Heartsick again and again

[Blue Bayou]

My wife has BPD traits. Married 42 years. Rarely if ever apologizes for ANYTHING.  She can withhold affection for months if crossed, & goes into extended seething silent treatment.  One time her with holding affection went on for over 2 years. Before we were married (but had been living together for years) she cheated on me & ran around with 4 other men.  I have never cheated on her. She is very easily angered by me. She can act caring and loving, but then suddenly shift to hateful mode over trivial matters. Or no matter at all that I can figure out.

The latest conflict is that I accidentally over watered one of her plants (which as it turned out, didn't hurt the plant). Moments before she noticed that, she was being loving. Now I am on day 3 of her angry hateful mode, which could go on indefinitely.  

I wrote her an apology--"I'm sorry I over watered your plant. I'm glad it didn't hurt the plant. Please forgive me. I love you."  
Today I found my note on the table & she wrote on it, "common sense? consideration?" Then she told me that this triggered thoughts of other times she felt I was inconsiderate.

I have been a victim of this kind of thing as long as I can remember. She does not understand compromise. Everything is always my fault. I am the only one she behaves this way towards. NO ONE would believe me if I told them! I am really struggling right now & have been crying a lot. I had been in therapy but nothing helps. I'm not perfect, but I am worn down, confused and heartsick by the punishment and the realization that this is my life. Our lives are far too entwined for me to consider leaving.
Please don't view me as weak; I did State Child Protective Services for 25 years. I just need words of encouragement before I sink under the weight of all this unnecessary drama. Thanks to all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow Blue Bayou,
You are a very patient man.    So sorry that you're dealing with so much difficulty from your wife. You've come to the right place. Welcome.

We understand that people outside your relationship have no clue what the reality within is and it feels really lonely, having to bear this all by yourself.

The sudden shift from loving to hateful certainly can make one's head spin and it can be incomprehensible how that switch gets flipped.

Be of good cheer because there are things you'll learn here that will make your relationship better. It's obvious that you are very strong because you've endured this sort of thing for many years. We understand how difficult it is.   

Please tell us more about your relationship and patterns you've observed.

Cat

[Blue Bayou]

Thank you for welcoming me! I don't know where to start, it's been a long haul and a deep pattern. The good times are great but fleeting, as I always seem to wind up in the exact same place as I am now: low, like a beaten dog & a hostage to silent treatment alienation in my own home.
I get in trouble for apologizing, as that validates that I must have done something awful--OR-- not apologizing--"You should know what you did!" But most of the time I'm apologizing for something or other. The stunning suddenness of how fast things can change from great to horrible is wearing me out. Wrath avoidance is my goal.

My wife has such a wonderful side, the side I once fell in love with.  In fact, she is one of the kindest persons outside the home.
The BP baggage from her childhood (sex & emotional abuse victim) is reserved for me alone.
I should have known early on there would be problems, as I married her even after her cheating and whoring around when we were living together (even gave me an STD). She even bragged to me about the sexual things she had done with those men at the time! Felt like a punch in the gut.
I allowed myself to be love bombed and take full responsibility for that.

I am by no means perfect; it's hard to be married this long.  It's just that I'm basically easy to compromise with and would never treat someone you supposedly love this way. Never. I feel frozen and very sad.

[Cat Familiar]

You've endured a lot of silent treatment over the years, but what keeps you hopeful is the occasional glimpse of kindness, the wonderful side of your wife that others see and who you fell in love with at the outset.

You're between a rock and a hard place with apologies. If you apologize, then it's assumed you've done something wrong, but if you don't, then she berates you for not taking responsibility for something you've done. At this point, you're just trying to avoid her anger.

As she was an abuse victim at an early age, you have compassion for her but her unkind behavior toward you is wearing you out.

You're an easygoing guy and that's part of the dynamic; she's taken advantage of your good nature.

So many of us who've found ourselves in relationships with a person with BPD (pwBPD) have codependent or caretaking aspects to our personalities. It's a perfect setup, or not very perfect for us, as you've now realized. Since we cannot change them, what we can do is change how we respond to them and by doing that, they discover that some of their patterns no longer work with us. (Simple stimulus/response pattern disruption--however it's easier said than done. Those patterns we've developed over the years tend to be deeply rooted.)

I came here in crisis a few years ago and now, for the most part, my relationship runs along smoothly, with very few conflicts. And those that do arise tend to be mild and flame out quickly--no longer big conflagrations, just a few sparks here and there.

What's different is that I've changed how I respond. I didn't realize that much of my behavior, though I was well-intentioned (most of the time), was fanning the flames. A simple acronym you'll see here is JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). As is much wisdom, the answer is simple: Don't JADE. The reality of changing our behavior is much more complicated.

For me, I could easily not do everything but Explain. I still catch myself trying to explain my behavior and thinking processes until I realize that when my husband is dysregulated it is a pointless endeavor.

Another thing that has really helped me deal with those inexplicable behavior changes is to recognize the very beginning signs of dysregulation. At that point, when I see his face starting to twist into the Mr. Hyde version and his voice becoming tense, I immediately pull out all the stops and validate, quit JADEing if I was doing that, and then get out of Dodge--either leave the room with some necessary task (put laundry into the dryer, medicate the cat, return an email--whatever). I tell him that I'm doing that and will return in 20 minutes, long enough for his biochemistry to return to a resting state of normalcy and long enough for me to get a break and compose myself.

There's lots to learn here and we look forward to getting to know you better, Blue Bayou.

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi BlueBayou,

I want to join Cat Familiar in welcoming you to the site!



She has offered you some great support and insights! I just want to add a little bit of information, piggybacking off what she has told you as well as what you have described.

Don't JADE.

Behaviors: Silent Treatment

Would you be able to take a look at those and tell us what you think?

The silent treatment can be especially damaging to a marriage. Does your marriage feel like it is on the brink? Does she share any interest in improving it?

Cat shares a very inspiring example with us here of how changes in communication, even from one party, can make a big difference!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

You are right about the facial change. I can tell the second the transformation takes place.  And it's not just a look of momentary annoyance, it's something different. And it lasts until she decides that I'm "sweetie" or "honey" once again.
She can be especially nice to me when our adult daughter is visiting, then pull the rug out from under me as soon as she leaves. She defines the terms of our relationship at any given moment, no mutuality. It's emotional bullying in my opinion.


Of course, I've never told our daughter (or anyone) that my therapist suggested a DNA test to make sure I am her Dad, although I think I am. That's how close my W cut it with her sexual betrayals. Now it sounds like the Jerry Springer Show.
When I called her on the cheating, her response was, "Try to see it though my eyes. I was only sowing my wild oats. It's none of your business who I made a soul connection with."  SOUL-DESTROYING to hear this.
 
At times when I've had my fill I have been guilty of yelling (no name calling) at her about how I hate it when she does this crap--which, of course, only makes it worse. Then a litany of every perceived wrong may spew out of her, or just go deeper into the seething silent treatment/ with holding affection which, as I said, can go on for days, weeks, months, or years. Trying to discuss it calmly only leads to her denying/justifying, so that's no better.  My best bet so far has been to shut the hell up and stay out of her way until Mr. Hyde goes away.  But I am on high alert for the next round, which always comes. I still love her.
We have no plans to divorce or separate. Been thru plenty marriage counseling over the years to no avail. No one picked up on the BPD because of great masking. It was all on me. I just need to change how this affects me, as you said.

[pearlsw]

I just need to change how this affects me, as you said.

In terms of this Blue Bayou, what do you think the first steps would be for you?

How is your self-esteem doing given all that has being going on?

warmly, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

"How is your self-esteem doing given all that has being going on?"

Outside of this relationship, it's fine. I know I'm OK. At home I feel like an utter failure, even though I'm aware this BP stuff isn't my fault. Cognitive dissonance.
It feels like she sets traps to nail me on, unless she's in a good mood, then it's all lovey-dovey. It's predictably unpredictable... .and not normal.  I've already been diagnosed with PTSD over her cheating; nightmares/flashbacks from being dragged through that horrible mess a long time ago. At one point I had to work in the same office as one of her f@ck buddies. She thinks that I'm just faking pain over all that! Lack of empathy with me, yet much empathy towards others.

As far as first steps, I just don't know.  I've read some of the BPD books, like "Walking On Eggshells" & others. I've researched BPD online for years.  I guess I just have to continue to suck it up, keep a cool head and accept it, as this isn't going to change. Ever. At least I can come here to vent & find some support.  I don't want to become a professional victim. I have no one I could discuss this with, without seeming like I'm whining over stupid trivia. I'm glad I found this site. Unless you've been on the receiving end of a BP person you can't really understand.

[AnuDay]

42 years sounds like a long successful marriage.  How long have you been uncomfortable with your wife's behavior in this marriage?  How many years ago did she cheat on you?  Is any of this behavior new or is this stuff that's been going on the whole time and you are just now discovering the name/cause?

[pearlsw]

As far as first steps, I just don't know.  I've read some of the BPD books, like "Walking On Eggshells" & others. I've researched BPD online for years.  I guess I just have to continue to suck it up, keep a cool head and accept it, as this isn't going to change. Ever. At least I can come here to vent & find some support.  I don't want to become a professional victim. I have no one I could discuss this with, without seeming like I'm whining over stupid trivia. I'm glad I found this site. Unless you've been on the receiving end of a BP person you can't really understand.

Hi BlueBayou,

One thing that is important to keep in mind is that BPD or not, she is not the person to help you with recovering from the affair. She can, if she chooses, certainly do things to rebuild trust and rebuild the marriage, but in terms of putting you back together after what happened, not so much. Affairs are difficult for any relationship to recover from, and that does take time and effort from each party.

In terms of ways you can approach this, without "being a victim", there is a lot to read here and elsewhere that can help you develop a perspective on this that comes from a place of strength, knowledge, and good self-awareness. I think until you get more time under your belt understanding the illness and finding better communication strategies (that are in your control to learn and try, no matter how she responds) you would not want to skip ahead to Radical Acceptance, but it is a concept that can bring a lot of peace. It is not meant to be resignation to despair though.

Perhaps it would be helpful to start back again at the basics:

Being An Emotional Caregiver

Supporting Your BPD Partner

I made this a practice. To read and review often when the confusion and weight of this was very heavy and all felt lost at times.

wishing you the best, pearl.  

[Blue Bayou]

AnuDay, kindly read my first 2 posts, as they answer your questions, thanks. The trouble started even before we were married.  It's been a long, difficult marriage. I finally realized it was BP traits after much heartache, thinking I must be a horrible person to be treated this way. 

I knew this wasn't a normal situation for me to always be in the wrong 100% of the time and for rapid, drastic mood changes for no observable reason, and no ability to compromise or apologize. I have spent much time trying to placate her, but when I'm finally pushed too far and verbally defend myself, the results are disastrous. Then projection starts and I am accused of being mean and awful.

As far as affair recovery goes, it is very true that I sometimes bark up the wrong tree expecting her to somehow help me heal from the cheating. I have just been appalled by her lack of remorse about it.  Had I been the cheater, I would have been falling all over myself begging for forgiveness and taking responsibility for it, and THANKFUL that the betrayed person still chose to stay with me.
Is BPD or any other PD really an "illness" pe se?

[pearlsw]

Hi BlueBayou,

I can only go from what I've seen and read on the boards here, but, yes, it is my impression that many (though not all) people with BPD have these issues, and remorse (in general for many things) seems to be in short supply. Again, not all. My SO was always very remorseful (for various things) because he had a huge sense of shame.

I think the only way you'd get to "remorse", at this point, would be via therapeutic sessions, and that in and of itself, again, from what I've read, is not so easy to do with someone with a PD. Tough stuff!

Have you been able to rebuild any trust without the expression of any remorse? That would be a tough spot to be in!

Is she withholding all affection from you? What is the current state of things?

take care, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

The ice is melting a teensy-weensy bit as it cycles through once again.  I'm "Hi hon" but no good morning kiss yet. No other verbal interaction though, still silence.  As long as I don't defend myself, maybe this one will be over in, say, a week or so if I'm lucky.  I've become adept at estimating the time based on her facial expression alone.  I'm just along for the ride.

Conjoint therapy did more harm than good, as BP and her sexual betrayals were swept under the rug. I didn't even know about BP back then. Therapy is out, been there, done that, wasted tons of money in the process. I myself have been a licensed Social Worker as well as a Substance Abuse Counselor for many years. I'm well acquainted with the DSM. "If it walks like a duck... ."

I'm afraid to make a move in my own home because I might break one of her rules.  One time out of the blue, I heard her crying, wailing like you might do at your parent's funeral.  I thought something HORRIBLE had just happened! I rushed over to her to find out what it was--"You'll never be able to give me what I need! You disorganized the linen closet!"
I don't expect her to cry that hard at my funeral... .

[Blue Bayou]

PS--Please remember that this started over a plant... .

[pearlsw]

I don't expect her to cry that hard at my funeral... .

Hi BlueBayou,

Ouch! 

Oh yes, I recall! You were watering a plant and her mood changed drastically. You've been dealing with silent treatment over this for days now.

So, okay, let's keep talking here!  Is OCD also an issue?

We can't do much now while she's not talking, but when she does, do you speak with her using Validation on a regular basis?

What are the "good times" like?

How often do these cycles occur and what seems to prompt them, if anything?

take care, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

No, OCD is not an issue.
It feels like I'm in a chess game--move, strategize, countermove. I don't want to win the game. I just want the game to stop!
I want some acknowledgement of MY pain. If wishes were ponies, beggars would ride... .

Should I express how awful it makes me feel when she shuts me out? Should I just shut up & hope it goes away for now? Usually it's best for me to stay quiet, which is torture to me, as I'm a problem solver type and more talkative than she is.

Anything I say about MY feelings will likely be taken as an attack or an invalidation of why she's angry/sullen--a mortal sin.
"I" statements don't work, have tried that before. Tried active listening-no go. Apologizing, as I had said, is a non-starter, it just makes her madder or opens another can of worms about her long list of things I need to apologize about. Pathetic.

Then, when she finally "comes around" (she always does, but it wears me out waiting) I feel resentful for having to have gone through another classic episode of this horrible crap. Again and again.

Meanwhile, I feel lonely, cheated out of companionship and what could have been a great life.
That's why I'm Blue-By-You... .

[Red5]

As far as affair recovery goes, it is very true that I sometimes bark up the wrong tree expecting her to somehow help me heal from the cheating. I have just been appalled by her lack of remorse about it.  Had I been the cheater, I would have been falling all over myself begging for forgiveness and taking responsibility for it, and THANKFUL that the betrayed person still chose to stay with me.

Hello Blue Bayou,

The above exert for your post sounds exactly like my first marraige.

But the cheating happened nine years in, and after three children, at least the cheating I knew about.

I remember it all and I do understand how you have felt and are feeling now.

This is tough stuff this BPD, I however had zero clue about BPD or any other such PD during my entire first marraige... .I had chalked everything up to the fact that my first wife was a child sexual abuse victim and that this was the reason why it was happening... .I thought I could “save” her, it is long story.

We finally divorced after almost twenty two years of being married... .

She really slipped her rail... .left me and the kids who were all teenagers by then.

I went on to be a single father for about five years before remarrying again.

It’s been ten years in this new relationship and seven married.

I now understand so much more now... .and I now am just about positive that the current wife is BPD.

I admire and respect your courage and commitment to your marraige after having endured so much, forty two years is a long time.

Best regards Blue Bayou,

Red5

[Radcliff]

Blue Bayou,

I'm sorry to hear of your pain.  I've been married 24 years, so I haven't put in the time that you have, but I do understand how tough it can be over the long haul.  You've done your reading and you've got a social work background, so you've figured out a lot of coping techniques.  The power of this board is to get feedback from multiple perspectives and see if there are opportunities for improvement you've overlooked.  I know for me, there certainly were.

The first thing to check on is JADE.  pearlsw mentioned it.  From the way you talked, it seems like you may have already learned that lesson.  What's been your learning curve with respect to JADE?

You mentioned that the infidelity was in the beginning of your relationship.  So does that make all the infidelity about 40 years ago?  Sorry to ask, but it would be helpful to understand that with clarity.

You said that one of your main objectives was "wrath avoidance."  That's exactly where I was when I came here.  I found that this was a maladaptive strategy that led me to give up way to much of myself.  I think you may have an opportunity to improve things there by setting some boundaries around things that are meaningful to you.

Truth in advertising -- the Bettering board is about more than venting.  We truly want to help you improve your situation.  As a fellow long-timer, let me assure you that we want to appreciate the depth of your experience; I agree that no quick fix is going to turn this around for you, and with a guy as experienced as you, we'll have to work a bit to find opportunities you haven't already tried.  But your life is too important to resign yourself to not being able to improve things.

Finally, let me say that with your professional background and your maturity, you're in a great position to help others here.  Learn the tools well enough you can teach them.  Read other's posts and reply to them.  Service here helps give meaning to the tough times we've been through.

Are you retired?  What things do you do outside your relationship that you find rewarding or relaxing?

RC

[Blue Bayou]

Thanks Red5, AnuDay, & all site Admins for your responses. I had often used JADE to my detriment, so you are right about that being maladaptive.

Every time this unpredictable, awful shutting me out/extended angry silent treatment happens, I need to assess the overall situational dynamics & tailor my response. I have actually had (short term) success with getting things back to a semblance of "normalcy" (if you want to call it that) by losing my cool, yelling about how I just can't stand the emotional abuse/silent treatment anymore.  Like bursting a festering sore... .
Other times, losing my cool makes things much, much worse. Then she projects & points out how rotten I am to lose my cool, which just verifies to her that she was right all along.  No way out! Yes, it is maladaptive on my part. I am at a complete loss for solutions.   She can be so sweet and nice, then flip to the monster without warning.
I love her. I hate what she does.

I feel like I need to treat her like one of my former clients when I did Child Protective Services (now retired after 25 years) & do a Treatment Plan!  However, the BP clients I have had to deal with in my career were not helped by professional treatment unless they could face up to the fact that they had a problem in the first place.  My W insists that I am the problem 100%.  
I realize that I'm far from perfect and a marriage is a give and take relationship.

The sexual cheating she put me through still colors my day to day existence.  I don't think she has cheated since we married, but... .the DAY BEFORE our wedding, she met with one of her f@ck buddies. I don't know if the had sex or not, but when I found out, I nearly called the marriage off.  Then ON OUR WEDDING DAY I had to wrest a photo of another one of her paramours out of her hand and throw it in the fireplace. Great anniversary memories for me. Please don't think me insane for staying.

I feel like I'm losing myself and overthinking everything, as I just want peace of soul and a decent companion. I hate waking up to this every day! I just want to crawl out of my own skin right now. I'm nearly 68 & time is running out!

[Blue Bayou]

I just read the excellent post by Joanna on how the silent treatment is a very damaging form of emotional abuse.  Do you think it would help if I cut & paste it into an email & send it to her? I promise not to blame anyone if it backfires... .

[once removed]

Do you think it would help if I cut & paste it into an email & send it to her?

not likely. its a loaded, accusatory conversation to have, where anyone on the receiving end will defend themselves, if not blame the other party.

theres a time and a place to have constructive conversations about hurtful behavior and how to get on the same page; in a time of calm and stability.

[Blue Bayou]

You're right.  I appreciate the insight.

[Red5]

Do you think it would help if I cut & paste it into an email & send it to her? I

Not a good idea Blue Bayou, it’s been my experience that ANY time the Non attempts such; that wrath of the pw/BPD would be unleashed forthwith, no Sir, I wouldn’t... .however I would retain this information as more valuable insight... .which it most definetly is.

Red5

[AnuDay]

Definitely not. 
In order to make things better you just have to educate yourself and ride out this wave that you caused by overwatering the plant.  Now that you know how sensitive she is and how easily she can be triggered it will be easier for you to prevent things like this from occuring again.  No, she will never be able to support and empathize with you the way that you support and empathize with her.  You will forever be her "caretaker".  I recommend you read Stop Walking on Eggshells if you want to regain some control in the relationship.  But first I would brush up on the communication skills talked about on this forum ... .JADE.  If you learn how not to JADE I bet your relationship will improve tenfold and you will easily be able to do another 20 years together.   

[Red5]

In order to make things better you just have to educate yourself and ride out this wave that you caused by overwatering the plant.  Now that you know how sensitive she is and how easily she can be triggered it will be easier for you to prevent things like this from occuring again. 

I have not heard anything about boundaries yet in this thread?

Maybe I missed it,

Boundaries need to be part of a BPD relationship or else pw/BPD will run roughshod over the Non.

There has to be a measure of consequences that come with bad BPD behavior.

In this case Blue Bayou... .you inadvertently over watered her plants.

*Did she ask you to water the plants?
*Does she expect you to water her plants?
*Did you water the plants out of a spirit of shared household chore responsibility?

Here, if it were me, I would not be watering anymore of her plants for quite some time... .if ever.

Even if she asks you too, I would say something like, “I am sorry, but the last time I watered your plants you got angry with me, so you are going to have to do that yourself.

A boundary... .she may get stuffy or even snarky or worse... .but she has to learn that she cannot treat you as such anymore and that you are not going to put up with these behaviors.

What are your thoughts in regards to boundaries in your relationship - marriage.

Think about it this way, what if your wife overwatered your favorite plant, of threw away a bird house that you had made? How would you handle this if the roles were reversed.

It’s the “golden rule” analogy, .which is most times nonexistent in a relationship with pw/BPD.

Red5 

[Radcliff]

There is a fundamental fact that is both frustrating beyond believe yet also freeing -- we can only control our own behavior.

Your situation has many facets, but let me zero in on one for now; her infidelity 40 years ago.  It was a big deal.  Right at the start of your marriage.  What a terrible way to start.  I am sorry for that, and for the memories that you carry with you.  It seems that she is not going to help you get over it in the "normal" way.  I'm sure any of us could script a "makeup" session between you two that involves heartfelt discussion, a little anger, apologies, hugs, and kisses, and ultimate repair that would get you past this.  That is what you deserve.  I'm sorry it doesn't seem possible.

So you're left with an old trauma that has been dogging you and causing you to suffer for way too long.  I'm thinking that getting to a place where it is no longer causing you such suffering is a key element to making the rest of your life happier.  I won't pretend to know enough about psychology or recovery to know exactly what would need to be done.  But it seems like the first step would be for you to decide that you're going to do it, then learning, making a plan, and following through.

What are your thoughts on that?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi BlueBayou,

Does she have any awareness about BPD, that she may have this issue? It is really important to be cautious in talking with our partners so directly about such issues. It can be very upsetting for them. It is not really advisable!

I'd share another reading about it, but I'm afraid I've done too many for one thread!

I would also be cautious... .I get the sense you are trying to use logic to get her to see things "your way" convince her she is behaving badly and needs to change that. I don't think that will work. Best to focus on what you can control - yourself, your own behavioral choices.

Also, I would caution about the idea of "never" doing something ever again. You can. You can set that boundary, or any kind you want. Sometimes that may become necessary. But I would caution about forever ones just speaking from relationship experience; that can be a bit inflexible and cut off opportunities where things might have a chance to improve.

But just my two cents!

take care, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

A lot going on here for me to respond to, and thanks to all for your concern.  I'm not new to BPD issues, but this time I really felt I needed to seek help for myself.

In the heat of an argument, I once accused her of having BPD traits, so that cat's out of the bag. At one point, she actually agreed to seek therapy (!) but reneged and now denies BP traits and blames me for falsely accusing her of that, along with everything that's ever been wrong with our marriage.  The times when my frustration at being isolated or frequently having to apologize for trivia has boiled over I have lashed out (verbally) and told her to cut this goddamned crap and stop acting like my jailer!  Then I am accused of being the "crazy" one by losing my temper. Yes, I have botched things up by doing that.

I made another glaring mistake, years ago when I finally accepted that it was BPD/traits, of giving her the "Eggshells" book and other BPD info in the misguided hope that it would be a "lightbulb" moment for her.  
I recall myself going through the Eggshells workbook, and there were so many things that fit so precisely in the story of our lives, that I thought that maybe, just maybe, she would see herself in those pages. This backfired, of course.

Please understand that she has many good qualities, she is a hard worker and can be so sweet to me, it's like I'm in Heaven when she shows that side. This reels me back in, I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated, but then the monster comes out again and I'm back in Hell.  One time I was in Hell for over 2 years, trying to work a rather stressful day job & coming home to more stress, as well as (at the time) being a caregiver to my 90 yr. old Mom.  I needed outpatient therapy just to cope.  
BB

[pearlsw]

A lot going on here for me to respond to, and thanks to all for your concern.  I'm not new to BPD issues, but this time I really felt I needed to seek help for myself.

Hi BB,

No worries. I know there is a lot of info. here and it can be a lot when a bunch of us are talking to one of you! Reply as needed as we go!

Yes, I hear that you have some background with this. And oh yes, many of us have been there too! In Heaven with a person and then straight to Hell!  We get it for sure! That's why we are here day and day out - so no one has to face this alone because it is a lot!

At times I would remind myself that even a therapist needs a therapist when s/he has clients with these issues! And who am I to be doing this alone 24/7 year after year? We get it!

One thing to keep in mind is that basically all that you thought about communication has to be tossed and you have to retool yourself from scratch a bit.

Have you worked with any of these tools yet?

Validation
SET

I remember I used to think I was awesome and he was ruining everything until I realized that I was pretty invalidating at times! I wasn't really allowing him his emotions. Frankly his emotions were way too high for me and I just could not understand where he was coming from and just wanted him to get over things. That didn't work! At all!

I had to learn to at least try to interact with his feelings, in small doses, and listen past the stuff that made no sense to me, how he sees the world. I am thinking now of how he used to talk to me about his feelings about co-workers at times. It made no sense! My replies tended to be totally insensitive, the equivalent of "suck it up" or "so what". And I thought I was nice! ;) But I just could not relate! They sounded like non problems to me. But they were his real feelings and I wanted to be a better partner so I retrained my response to this.

I had to learn to listen to his feelings and talk to his feelings. That is what this is about. Listen past the junk to the feelings and you might, might make some headway!

Also, step #1, do all you can to keep calm. Always. I was monk like when I started in this relationship, hadn't been mad at another human in years, or lost my cool. I loved that me! But the things I've heard, and I'm sure you have to, but... .stay in control. Walk away when you have to, but also say when you'll be back so she does not feel abandoned. Slow down your reaction times. All that will help tremendously. Depersonalize.

Are you still doing therapy? How do you get breaks from all this? What is your self care like?

Do I understand that you lost your mom? If so, I am sorry to hear that!  

take care, pearl.

[Blue Bayou]

As far as the infidelity goes, I have intrusive thoughts & nightmares about it & been diagnosed with PTSD. One of the 4 guys she slept with was a good friend of mine at the time. Once the cheating was finally out in the open, she gleefully volunteered (in excruciating detail) some of the sexual things she had been up to! I should have run like my hair was on fire. I was a young man who was smitten with her--beautiful, sexy & desirable.  She had me on a string--guess where the string was tied! But I was playing 5th fiddle.

We had been living together for years and I just didn't want to give up. She still has a zillion excuses why she "needed" to cheat on me. I was the first one she ever had sex with, so she didn't want me to be the only one ever... .Also, her sister egged her on.

I'm not in therapy anymore.  My therapist retired & we live in a small rural town with no other private therapists in the area.
BB
ps--My Mom passed away in 2015.