Silent treatment might be a tool she is starting to use

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So... .I generally do the shopping and cooking... 80%.  My wife does about 20%.

She just gathered the kids and is planning the menus for the next two weeks.  By and large they are resistant.  I've not been asked.

There have been some put down comments about meals up to this point... nobody else has bit... she kinda dropped it.

I can't imagine I would go along with a meal plan I wasn't involved in making.  Should she want to buy it and make it... that's great.

Just trying to think ahead to how I handle this... when, if there is a demand made I follow "the approved plan".

She is talking about all the things "she can make"... .(I'm overhearing)... and it sounds wonderful.

Unless there is a drastic change in her work schedule... I can't imagine she has time for this... perhaps I'm wrong.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

So... .I generally do the shopping and cooking... 80%.  My wife does about 20%.

She just gathered the kids and is planning the menus for the next two weeks.  By and large they are resistant.  I've not been asked.

There have been some put down comments about meals up to this point... nobody else has bit... she kinda dropped it.

I can't imagine I would go along with a meal plan I wasn't involved in making.  Should she want to buy it and make it... that's great.

Just trying to think ahead to how I handle this... when, if there is a demand made I follow "the approved plan".

She is talking about all the things "she can make"... .(I'm overhearing)... and it sounds wonderful.

Unless there is a drastic change in her work schedule... I can't imagine she has time for this... perhaps I'm wrong.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

Dented cans of beans?

Personally... I don't buy them if there is a dent on a seam, even a small one. 

This is slightly entertaining... .very curious to watch.  Kinda like an anthropologist watching some remote tribe... .

Sigh

FF

[Notwendy]

Just try not to get triggered by Bible speech. It derails you from the topic at hand.

I wash the bras in the house. I would have been mortified as a teen if my Dad washed my underwear. Mrs FF can wash her own underwear and if a girl is old enough to wear a bra - she’s old enough to wash it. If FFW is complaining she can wash her own bras.

FWIW - my H has never done my laundry or the kids’ laundry or the household laundry ( sheets towels etc) . He has never changed or made a bed. He does his own personal laundry ( what doesn’t go to the cleaners ) but would prefer I did that too.

[Red5]

So... .I generally do the shopping and cooking... 80%.  My wife does about 20%.

She just gathered the kids and is planning the menus for the next two weeks.  By and large they are resistant.  I've not been asked.

Me2... .usually after Church and out to eat afterwards I shop for the week... .I am a staples kind of guy... .by this I mean that I keep the basics around and the galley well stocked with “options”.

She does (when she is not pouting ST) cook sometimes but mainly it’s me.

And she isn’t working now as she is on disability... .

She stopped eating anything that I prepare long ago... .it’s very rare now that she would eat anything I make other than say if we grilled something outside... .not so when we were dating, I was a “great cook back then” ha ha ?... .them daze are over now.

I am a meat and potato’s man, you know standard Navy issue/USMC mess hall chow... .Also southern food/soul food, and Asian ;)

S31(A) will eat anything I put in front of him.

I keep enough “stores” on hand to conjure up just about anything, I am no gourmet chef by any means, but Incan make stew, chili mack, meat loaf, spaghetti... .yes, I can rustle up some chow for the crew.

We do eat out quite a lot too,

I M pretty good with the grill, I like to try rubs, and  “maranaids” and the like.

I was single dad for five years... .and I am still of that frame of mind now, if she cooks we eat her chow... .if she’s p-o’ed and being a crank then we “fin for ourselves”... .no worries !

My Grandmother taught me how to cook before I had a drivers license, she told me, and I quote... .“better learn how to fry an egg boy, and how cook up a mess of greens (collards) so you can fin for yourself if you have to”... .thank the good Lord for Granny !

I don’t buy dented cans either !... .or fricken “generic” yuk !

But if I was in a survival situation I would not turn it down !

I like spam too  !

As far as planning meals, my operation is not that big, it’s just me, my son and her, so I’ll cook / prepare what ever “strikes me”, depends on what day it is, and how work went the day... .and if she is “happy” and wants to cook a meal then that’s “Cool Beans” !

The crock pot and the Steamer are two great pieces of gear... .along with the rice cooker and the “wok”... .

Yes... .I was taught the skill of managing and preparing rations long ago.

Right now, me and the boy are “fin’ing for ourselves”

Day twelve of whatever... .I am perfectly capable of running the ship myself when she goes into ODP mode, (own damn program)  

Ahead FULL, turn the ship into the wind! Stand by to recover fixed wing aircraft... .

I can sew too !

Red5

[formflier]

I think that my wife and daughter are going to do a bunch of the cooking.  Ok... .they are great cooks... I'll eat what they provide and be thankful.

Hey... Notwendy, how do you handle kids laundry being done.

There is a logistics problem about others doing their own around here.  1 washer and dryer.


FF

[Notwendy]

What is important to me is that they know how to do it and will do it, ( which they do )but I am not a stickler for them doing their own all the time. Also I do mix loads of kid's clothes. I don't have 8 like you do. If I did I would probably combine their laundry for efficiency and cost, but have them help out in other ways- but be certain they also knew how to do it.

School work is a priority and they also had part time jobs at times. I feel they are mainly responsible kids, so I don't hold the line on laundry if they are generally responsible- keep grades up, etc. 

[Red5]

There is a logistics problem about others doing their own around here.  1 washer and dryer.

Logistics and facilities !

Eight children plus two adults... .that’s ten, they don’t all live at home do they FF?; aren’t a couple on their own now?

I don’t know your children’s ages either (private), but maybe the older ones could do their own laundry semi supervised on assigned days, then the younger ones of course either you or FFw will do... .maybe combine as Wendy says... .if it were me I would keep everyone’s laundry separated with hampers... .I really used to not like having to separate it all when it comes out of the dryer... .when mine were younger say first grade on, I had them to help me fold and put away their clothes... .

Yes... .me, definitely I kept it, and still keep it all separated.

Seven days in the week is seven wash days... .assign certain days to certain groups or single children... .and somewhere in there FF and FFw do theirs too.

Reminds me of that scene for the old movie... .“Yours Mine and Ours (1968)”... .starring Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball  !

If they can figure out laundry on an aircraft carrier this should be an easy day ha ha ha ;)

Red5

[formflier]

One of them is off at another state.

Rest of them are around. 

Breaking news... .if the other tools don't work a BPDish type will break out the big "effe you"... .and slam the door... stomp around the house.

Apparently she asked for something via email... .and I hadn't responded yet... .

I haven't heard that brought out in a long time... .things are "cooking" in BPD land

FF

[formflier]

Umm... I think she just sorta apologized.

After a bath I was relaxing in bed... .trying to get ready to go for a bit longer this evening.

The door to the bedroom flies open... she hops into the room... .a bunch of words were mashed together and I think "sorry" was one of them... .and I think it's dinner time.

She stopped speaking... hopped out of the room and slammed the door.

Hmmm.

FF

[Red5]

the big "effe you"

^= “ low yield extinction burst “... .ignore it; but “note it”.

I had a question FF, since this has been going on, last Tuesday if I remember... .what are the berthing arangememts ?

Do you and Mrs. FF share the same rack under these circumstances?... .just curious ?... .wasn’t just a few days back that it was “movie night”

I have always understood that when intamacy “happens”, won’t be too far downrange that a flare up will happen... .matter of fact, I can track these events in my marriage... .at least before the great drought came upon the land... .hmmm,

Hang in there... .sometimes we have to take it in half hour increments... .you got your hands full my Brother, you and your family are in my prayers tonight !

Steady as she goes now... .

Deep breaths... .

Red5   

[formflier]

I could have sworn I answered the rack question... .and posted it.  Perhaps I didn't hit the button to finalize it.

Anyway... .two nights ago she racked with me... .although came in late.  (I woke up and there she was).  She had been sleeping elsewhere for several days.

Movie night was 1.5 weeks or so ago... I think.

Last night she slept on the couch.  Looks very uncomfortable to me... whatever.

FF

[Red5]

Last night she slept on the couch.  Looks very uncomfortable to me... whatever.

Are things any better this morning FF?

Red5

[formflier]

It's kinda weird.

She seemed snuggly in bed... .a little bit.  Then got up and was doing the mumbles, where she was likely saying something vague and insulting under her breath.

I used to ask her to clarify since I couldn't understand... but I don't do that anymore.

Who knows.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

... .where she was likely saying something vague and insulting under her breath.

I used to ask her to clarify since I couldn't understand... but I don't do that anymore.

I think that pwBPD often need a verbal outlet for the uncomfortable feelings and that's why they do that. It's taken me a while to just ignore that toxic verbal crap, which in my husband's case usually consists of loud curse words apropos of nothing. It used to startle me and I'd ask what was going on. Typically he'd say, "Nothing" which was totally incomprehensible to me. How could you suddenly, and loudly use the F word and then say it's nothing?

In the past, sometimes, I'd try to press him for more information, and you can imagine how that worked out.  

[Red5]

It's kinda weird.

She seemed snuggly in bed... .a little bit.  Then got up and was doing the mumbles, where she was likely saying something vague and insulting under her breath.

I used to ask her to clarify since I couldn't understand... but I don't do that anymore.

Who knows.

FF

... .no change at the Red5 domicile either.

The boy and I did chores all day yesterday, she sat on her butt and did needle point and watched her fav shows on the tele... .*Say Yes to the Dress, *Dr, Phil, *Project Runway, *H' Potter... .

Me and the boy did enjoy our "crack pot" full of jalapeno boiled peanuts I made, and I made him his fav for after chores get done, a "coffee milkshake" ; )

At least you and Mrs.FF are hot racking again, it's been thirteen daze since I was ordered out of the master, .

Even though LC/ST is in effect, the occasional snarky remarks from udx W are becoming more "saucy" now as well.

... .I don't bite, I just ignore it... .at least she is keeping her distance, and leaving S31(a) alone... .she has gone after him in the past when she is in this crank mode of hers... .and of course I intercept which makes it (crank mode) even worse... .(RWR Gear blaring in my headset)... .she is leaving his care and daily routine completely up to me, .however she does pick him up from his program in the afternoons while I'm at work, but I have started taking him again in the AM before I go to work, the less time S31(a) is with her when she is like this the better ; (

... .keep in mind she "relieved" his long time mentor I had for him in the afternoons back when she was working full time;... .due to her perceived slight / disrespect from the mentor to her one afternoon... .long story, and another "liver and onions" production brought to you by BPD... .so she takes on the full responsibility of "mentor" (her plan), and then sabotages it... .hmmm,

Apparently during the last rage / shouting match last Thursday was a week ago now (BPD won)... .I uttered the "nuclear option" as she leveled her flame thrower off at my position... .I remember yelling back at her... .(something like) I pay the mortgage... ."THIS IS MY HOUSE"... .and J is MY Son, .NOT yours... .so back the F -> off... .

... .yeah, .she got me... .BPD won.

So yesterday, and the day before that, I heard that all day... ."well it your house"... ."he's your son"... .blah blah blah.

... .ugh  !

Steady as she goes !... ."go on living everyday!",

I wonder how long I can last until I have to pull out the laminated apology chit... .she does not appear to even want to return to the "status quo".

Maybe I don't want to either?

-break-

Another question FF, how long does Mrs. FF usually go before she "lets you back in"... .do you ever agree to disagree?

Hopeful things will get back to magnetic north for you soon FF,

Pardon the "low-yield" highjack operation there ; )

Red5

[formflier]

There is no real pattern to when it's over... .

At the moment I'm taking this as a sign that "I'm dancing a different dance... "... .and she doesn't like it.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Of course she doesn't like it. She wants you to be predictable.

[Red5]

The record for ST is about five weeks for me and udxw, which was brought to a cease fire status by impending Thanksgiving (last year), as kids were coming over... .and also and concurrently... .a bad report from the doc at the c-cntr... ."we have to talk about some things" she said... .yes, that occurred last November as I remember... .I launched another thread in reference/regard to;

Being unpredictable is a good thing imho,

This has always been my personality ; )

She will come to me and ask a "one liner" occasionally, like "are you going to shower tonight"... .or "when are you going to bed"... .or "are you taking J to school in the morning", .I respond "yes", she then says, "well; he's your son"... .

I thought the "evil paver flying monkey flag man" was going to break it (ST), .but after I got home and "validated" her, she went right back to her queue again ... .

Keep dancing FF !

Red5