Please just leave me alone Am I being paranoid?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex and I have been over for almost a year except for a meeting/conversation we had 6 weeks ago (which I initiated after NC for 5 months) about reconciling.  She said she still loved me but couldn’t see a way forward given that we had two different end goals.  She wanted marriage (I believe that was just a “test of my love”) and I didn’t.  We parted amicably, but have not had any contact since.  I feel fine about the whole thing now and have come to terms with the fact that it is finally over.

She was with another partner when we talked.  They have been together for about 3 months now.

In the last 5 weeks, she has visited the store where my best friend works 3 times.  Prior to that, she had only been there once with me in the year we were together.  This store is 3 miles down the road and a full 45 minutes from her house.  

The first visit my friend was working, and she spoke with her and made purchases.  Ok... .no harm there, I guess. The second time, two weeks later, my friend was not working and she had the clerk snap a picture of her and sent it to my friend who of course showed it to me.  The third time, yesterday, my friend was not working and she had the clerk snap a picture of her and her new gf holding hands.  She never purchased anything the second and third times.

I don’t understand this behavior.  She is not friends with my best friend, just knows her casually through me.  She never contacts or texts her.   I feel as if she’s doing this purposefully to hurt me, and for the life of me, I don’t know why.  She ended it, not me.  There is no need for pictures... .she could have just texted my best friend that she stopped in to say hello.  The pictures seem like overkill.  

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it really makes me angry at her whereas before I was just sort of mellowed out whenever I thought of her.  She’s ruining any good feelings I had about her and me.  I feel as if she’s using my friend to tweak me a bit, and I don’t like it.  But more importantly, I don’t understand the need for her to do it, if it is intentional.  

What is she trying to do here? Why try to hurt me when she herself is happy and has moved on?

I wish she would just stay away.

Any thought into this behavior, or am I overanalyzing?  I feel like she’s inserting herself into my world now.

[stixx44]

My ex and I have been over for almost a year except for a meeting/conversation we had 6 weeks ago (which I initiated after NC for 5 months) about reconciling.  She said she still loved me but couldn’t see a way forward given that we had two different end goals.  She wanted marriage (I believe that was just a “test of my love”) and I didn’t.  We parted amicably, but have not had any contact since.  I feel fine about the whole thing now and have come to terms with the fact that it is finally over.

She was with another partner when we talked.  They have been together for about 3 months now.

In the last 5 weeks, she has visited the store where my best friend works 3 times.  Prior to that, she had only been there once with me in the year we were together.  This store is 3 miles down the road and a full 45 minutes from her house.  

The first visit my friend was working, and she spoke with her and made purchases.  Ok... .no harm there, I guess. The second time, two weeks later, my friend was not working and she had the clerk snap a picture of her and sent it to my friend who of course showed it to me.  The third time, yesterday, my friend was not working and she had the clerk snap a picture of her and her new gf holding hands.  She never purchased anything the second and third times.

I don’t understand this behavior.  She is not friends with my best friend, just knows her casually through me.  She never contacts or texts her.   I feel as if she’s doing this purposefully to hurt me, and for the life of me, I don’t know why.  She ended it, not me.  There is no need for pictures... .she could have just texted my best friend that she stopped in to say hello.  The pictures seem like overkill.  

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it really makes me angry at her whereas before I was just sort of mellowed out whenever I thought of her.  She’s ruining any good feelings I had about her and me.  I feel as if she’s using my friend to tweak me a bit, and I don’t like it.  But more importantly, I don’t understand the need for her to do it, if it is intentional.  

What is she trying to do here? Why try to hurt me when she herself is happy and has moved on?

I wish she would just stay away.

Any thought into this behavior, or am I overanalyzing?  I feel like she’s inserting herself into my world now.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  stixx44,

It’s good news that you have come to terms with the relationship being over.  Did you initiate the meeting because you were seeking to reconcile?  If you don’t mind me asking, why did you reach out after 5 months NC?  No judgement, just curiosity.

As to why she is trying to get your attention through your friend, did she attempt to contact you or get your attention during the time you were NC?

Maybe she wants to prove that she is happy with someone else?  There’s really no way to know why she’s doing this unless she tells you. Maybe there are other members who have experienced this kind of thing and can share how it played out for them.

Of course, you don’t like it, but expressing this will provide attention, albeit negative, reinforcing the behavior.  

If you don’t want to see her, my advice would be to ignore these pictures and messages.  Maybe you could advise your friend to ignore it too.  There’s no threat or attempt at harm, so ignoring should extinguish this behavior.

What do you think?

Mustbeabetterway

[Mutt]

Hi stixx44,



I think that showing up at the store and not saying anything to your friend was a test to see how she would be received by your friend. She is also going out of her way to go to a store 45 minutes away.

I think that the logic is fuzzy when she sent that picture your friend. She might know that your friend is going to forward it to you she probably thinks that you’re going to contact her if things are good between you two.

Why would she do this if she is with someone else? Maybe they’re getting serious at three months intimacy is what triggers BPD what a pwBPD fear the most is being alone. It makes absolutely no sense that a pwBPD will reach out to an ex but if you have someone that you can fall back in you’re not going to be alone?

[Cromwell]

it might be a form of soothing she is doing, not handling the stress of you being gone, its a way to validate you still exist.

not paranoid at all, you describe it well - its suspicious to me. I dont suppose you could get any feedback what she might have purchased - but if shes made a 45minute trip to buy a lawn mower thats hard to get that model elsewhere, it would say something, but if its a packet of chewing gum... .

closure can be one of the most difficult things for pwBPD.

ive read anecdotal stories on another board, a pwBPD looking at an aerial view on google maps of their ex, and describing that for some reason that gave a form of relief.

Dont panic about it though, its unsettling but it will fade away if there is no result gained from it.

[Mutt]

Hi stixx44,

I just had a thought that I wanted to add. If you explained what you just explained to someone that hasn’t been with a pwBPD and they don’t “get” the crazymaking behaviour then they might think that you’re paranoid.

Don’t put your exe’s behaviours on yourself you’re not paranoid. We’ve all been through this thinking that our exes behaviours is caused by some behaviour from us.

I know that you don’t think that you caused this but believe that she’s really doing this beause of a mental illness and a severe one - don’t second guess yourself.

[stixx44]

Thanks for the responses. 

To answer Mustbeabetterway, I did reach out after 5 months to see if anything had changed innher thinking about the marriage issue.  We had a very frank discussion, and since neither of us had changed our positions, we mutually agreed it wouldn’t work and left each other with good feelings between us. 

I didn’t go through a tough time after seeing her. I thought I might, but it turns out my feelings for her changed in the 5 month NC period. She didn’t seem to have the same hold over me that she once had.

Anyway, I have no plans to contact her.  I told my friend that I don’t need to know when and if she comes into the store again.  I can’t control what she does, and I guess it’s silly of me to even try and figure out her motives.  I wish her well with her new gf.  I just want her to do the same with me.  I think Cromwel is right... .ignoring this will extinguish this behavior.

Thanks again for reading.