Adult Sibling causing Family Drama

[Blueviolet]

Hello All,
I'm not sure if I belong here, but here goes - my sister is in her early 60s. She has always been 'sensitive' and critical but five years ago our elderly mother needed care so my sister moved in with her (she lives nearby, as do I). Soon after that my sister started to throw tantrums and became very demanding and mean. Fast forward two years and my mother goes into assisted living. Well, then all hell broke lose and my sister would spend days crying uncontrollably, sending horrible texts to other siblings, and lashing out because she claims she lost everything. There's a huge martyr component here and she says no one understands the depth of her suffering. Making matters worse is she has Power of Attorney for my mother's financial affairs. This has caused huge problems as she refused to move out of my mother's house for 1-1/2 years, leaving her own house vacant and crumbling, even though we need to sell my mother's house to pay for her care. She finally moved out and we are putting my mother's house on the market, but we are dangerously close to running out of our mother's money. This has put enormous stress on me, along with her constantly blaming me for everything under the sun and lashing out.
I began seeing a therapist and she is the one who suggested my sister might have BPD.  She has been seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety but refuses counseling.

[Harri]

Hi Blueviolet and welcome to the board!

Based on what you wrote, it sounds to me like you belong here.  Whether your sister ever gets diagnosed with BPD or not does not matter.  We deal with trying to heal, protect ourselves and learn about the disorder so we can depersonalize the behaviors.  So you are in the right place.  We have people dealing with all sorts of family situations including siblings.  They are all difficult and painful.  The good news is we get it here. 

Your situation does sound very stressful.  Financial issues are always difficult especially when they could have been avoided.  On top of that, your sisters behavior is very upsetting.  You mentioned siblings; how many do you have?  Are you all able to support each other?  I am glad you have the support of a therapist too.  We can also support you. 

What would you say is the worst behavior your sister displays against you that you would like to focus on (sorry, that is an awkwardly worded question!).

I am glad you found us and I hope you feel comfortable and settle in and read and jump into posting.  You will find some great company here.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Blueviolet! Welcome! 

Harri has shared some great thoughts with you already.   I'm so sorry though that you have been going through this situation. It sounds very difficult and stressful with worries about your mom as well as the finances and your sibling Now too.

 I'm so glad that you are seeking help from a T as well as our online family.   How soon with the house be up for sale?

 
Wools

[isilme]

Legal/pragmatic stuff:  Is there any way (or desire) to contest the Power of Attorney?  How many other siblings are there?  Where do they fit along the lines of putting up with your sister's actions, and concern for making sure your mother has money for care?  What are the options should the money run out?  Is someone going to have to take her into their homes?  Are there assistance programs in your area that can help out?  It's not ideal, but Medicare/Medicaid sometimes can help with home hospice providers if your mother cannot stay in her current care facility.  Has anyone had time to research this?  In my area, the pickings are slim (2 hours from Mexico, less than affluent rural areas pocketing the countryside), but even my H's mother in a smaller town than mine was able to arrange for hospice care in their home for her 95-year-old mother following a  stroke.  There may be more options than are readily seen - finding a few might help alleviate some stress. 

Emotional/BPD person issues:  Other than your mother's care and finances, do you HAVE to be in contact with your sister?  Does anyone?  I know it may sound mean, but honestly, if you all live in your own homes, you can pick and choose most of the time when you NEED to interact with her, and possibly accept the potential of her "martyrdom", and the rest of the time, you can just go about your lives as you need.  We are all trained that we have to take it when it's dished out, when a disordered loved one starts in on us.  We don't.  We can hang up.  Not return calls/texts.  Leave their presence if we are in public or at their homes.  You are totally allowed to have a boundary about what communication is appropriate to have, and what is not and will result in you leaving the conversation. 

Only where you have to get her to manage your mother's affairs (assuming that PoA can't be contested/transferred) do you need to be in contact and in any place for her to "lash out'.  Can you explain more how this occurs, what she does, and how it makes you feel?

[Turkish]

As frustrating as this is,  at least your sister moved out and the home is on the market.  God time to sell rather than in a downturn.  If your sister has POA, it sounds like she'll be the one that the skilled care facility calls regarding money and assets,  yes?

[yamada]

Oh Welcome to my world.  right now I have a sister who lives five hours from my parents and myself and has managed to gain control over everything with out my knowledge. Right now I am 'bending over backwards to find a solution to her refusal to include me in the information ring. Yes there are only two of us. I know she will will refuse but if it escalated I have to prove I am reasonable.
 I do not talk to her. I only email or text. Its good evidence.
I am gathering information about her unsuitability to be POA because of her non inclusiveness.
Collect evidence.
Do you have a trustee or guardianship board where you are where you can apply to have her removed and an independent person placed in charge