I tried to do something good, but the reaction was bad.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I guess I'm in need of a little advice on how to best deal with this situation.

Basically I surprised my other half by turning up on her last two days of holiday. I thought I was doing a good thing as she kept saying she wished I was there and how much she missed me. So I turned up and it went south from there. She turned around and said how dare I interrupt a family holiday she was having with her kids, and that I did it deliberately to throw everything into her face, as it took her months to save up for the holiday, and I was just able to go without even thinking about money.

This was 2 months ago and I'm still getting punished for it. To attempt to ease the drama, I took the blame for it all and apologised, but she said it was simply not enough but couldn't tell me what else she needed by saying I should know that. She said she didn't know how to move on from this, and I am getting punished for it, mainly with her closing down on me, and giving me the silent treatment. There has been a couple of good times in there, but it doesn't take much for the whole thing to be triggered again.

I'm afraid now that the easiest solution for her is to simply break up with me so she cuts the issue off as she has done a few times in the past. I am so much more aware of BPD these days and trying to do everything right to avoid further issues, but feel so alone in doing so. And even though I am trying to remain positive and keep moving forward in my own life, and treating her no different, it's really starting to do my head in... .

[woundedbull]

I guess I'm in need of a little advice on how to best deal with this situation.

Basically I surprised my other half by turning up on her last two days of holiday. I thought I was doing a good thing as she kept saying she wished I was there and how much she missed me. So I turned up and it went south from there. She turned around and said how dare I interrupt a family holiday she was having with her kids, and that I did it deliberately to throw everything into her face, as it took her months to save up for the holiday, and I was just able to go without even thinking about money.

This was 2 months ago and I'm still getting punished for it. To attempt to ease the drama, I took the blame for it all and apologised, but she said it was simply not enough but couldn't tell me what else she needed by saying I should know that. She said she didn't know how to move on from this, and I am getting punished for it, mainly with her closing down on me, and giving me the silent treatment. There has been a couple of good times in there, but it doesn't take much for the whole thing to be triggered again.

I'm afraid now that the easiest solution for her is to simply break up with me so she cuts the issue off as she has done a few times in the past. I am so much more aware of BPD these days and trying to do everything right to avoid further issues, but feel so alone in doing so. And even though I am trying to remain positive and keep moving forward in my own life, and treating her no different, it's really starting to do my head in... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi woundedbull,
Sorry that you're running on empty. You tried to surprise your other half by showing up unexpectedly while she and her kids were on holiday and instead, your kind gesture backfired. And of course you apologized, but that wasn't enough and you're still paying for it. Another example of "no good deed goes unpunished." So sad that you're being treated this way.   

So you think the easiest way out of this is to end the relationship. You've tried to do things right and avoid triggering her, but at this point you feel out of options.

How can we help you?

Cat

[Red5]

To attempt to ease the drama, I took the blame for it all and apologised, but she said it was simply not enough but couldn't tell me what else she needed by saying I should know that. She said she didn't know how to move on from this, and I am getting punished for it, mainly with her closing down on me, and giving me the silent treatment.

Hello woundedbull,
What you are describing here is a classic BPD behavior, it’s almost as if there is some kind of playbook that every BPD”er follows. It’s the exact same senario every time.

It so frustrating and perplexing to have to deal with this type of behavior... .the silent treatment or “ST” is especially difficult to deal with.

You are certainly not alone in dealing with these types of BPD behaviors.

Kind regards, Red5

[XSurvivorX]

Hi woundedbull,

... .simply not enough but couldn't tell me what else she needed by saying I should know that.

Oh man, I got this same line time after time... ."You should know... ." what was done wrong, or what wasn't done right; what needs done to 'fix' it, or why what was just done to 'fix' it didn't work; why she is acting the way she is right now; why she is mad, or enraged; why we are getting the silent treatment.

I grew so tired of just not knowing what I was supposed to should have known!  So, I feel you.  I am sorry to hear something you did was something out of love and care, and how its turned around and now you're suffering for it.  As the others have stated, for sure that is a common BPD trait. 

If you want to try and remedy the situation, you always could approach her and explain that you've had a lot of time to reflect on it, and now you can see why she was upset, and why she said some of the things that she said, and acknowledge those as legitimate; you could then ask for her help in your trying to ascertain exactly what else you may need to do to seek her forgiveness? Surely there are minor transgressions she may have made that you've forgiven her for, and showing how you yourself forgive may help her in wanting to work towards forgiving you (even if you think there's nothing wrong with what you did - which I also would see as a nice gesture).  But approaching it with her on her terms might help her open up on a solution or way forward?

A lot of time in these relationships we end up taking quite a few on the chin and swallowing that pride in order to validate their feelings.  Best of luck to you on that!

[defogging]

I can't really help with advice, but can share a quick story about what happened to me last night to maybe help you in knowing you're not alone.  There's just no way to win!

After work she brought our two daughters to dance, and had our son with also.  She waited there for me to meet them and take the kids home so she could go to a night meeting at work.  Due to timing, I grabbed dinner for everyone so we wouldn't eat too late.  I got her a salad to be considerate, but they usually feed everyone at her night meetings, so I figured I would be "wrong" to have gotten her dinner as I've been told in the past.  No biggie, I got the chicken on the side and planned that I would tell her she could just save it for lunch the next day. 

I get there with the food, she's thankful I got her something.  It's going well!  As I'm standing there in the hallway of the dance studio holding four bags of take out she says "I need to give you the girls' backpacks so they can finish their homework tonight".  "Okay, no problem" I say.  I don't have anywhere to set the food down.  Apparently, I'm supposed to find a way to grab the backpacks for her that instant.  She repeats numerous times with disgust "So, I guess I'll go get the backpacks myself then".  She goes and gets the backpacks, carries them in grunting and groaning as if I made her carry a couch by herself.

Mind you, her car is sitting by the front door of the dance studio and she's been sitting there in the hallway for 40 minutes doing nothing while the girls are in class.  The logical side of me wonders "why in the heck couldn't she have thought ahead and grabbed the backpacks instead of creating drama over something so simple?"  But there is no logic with her.  Then I come to find out that the girls do have homework but it's not due for several days so there was no need to do it last night anyways.

For me, I'm just tired of the mental drain of having to think ahead about how I'm going to be wrong.  It's ridiculous that I had to anticipate how to get her the salad the right way so she could choose whether to eat it tonight or tomorrow, I hate that that is my world nowadays.  I guess one tactic I've come to use is just remind her that I can't be responsible for anticipating every thing she needs.  Sorry, but manage your own life.  You over scheduled yourself? (happens all the time in our house)  Sorry, it's not my job to jump in and bail you out of last minute schedule conflicts that I never knew about.  Life is better for me with boundaries, but BPDs are professionals at switching up the game, as I found out last night. 

Last night I just dealt with it by letting it roll off my back and not worrying about her behavior.  But after several years of doing this, I am finding I just don't care anymore about the relationship.  If there weren't kids involved she would be in the rear view mirror, sad to say.

[Red5]

Life is better for me with boundaries, but BPDs are professionals at switching up the game, .

True !

Red5