BPDBF ganged up on me while I was driving his friend home

[misuniadziubek]

It had been an okay day so far, minus me feeling really emotional and sensitive all day. My first son was telling my boyfriend that he needs to clean out his nose because it didn't look good.

I tried to be tactful, but if it was the other way around he'd call me gross and say I don't take care of myself.

So were taking his best friend home
It's been a really tough week for me. Bad insomnia resulting in overall depression so I haven't cleaned my car out properly. Was not prepared to take friend home or to transport tires. Boyfriend starts to comment on my car. How gross it is. (I deep cleaned it a month ago, usually do weekly maintenance but it's been a bad week). How it took two years for me to clean it and apparently it's gonna be another two before I clean it again. Friend jumps on the bandwagon because he's one of those people that likes to pick at things. Together they can be a nightmare sometimes.

I ask my boyfriend to stop. That it's upsetting me and that I don't appreciate it. He goes on how I'm now mad and so there goes the sex he never gets anyways (really twisted because we do have regular sex).

I tell him he's crossing a line and I'm at the verge of just leaving his friend at his house and going home.

He says, well it's upsetting to me that you never clean your car.

I'm like. There's a time and a place for those conversations but right now isn't it and I need him to stop.

He goes off on how there's never a time and a place and maybe hes fed up with me never taking care of my car and letting my brakes get so bad my car was unsafe to drive. (It's my fault, but I was asking him to take a look for two months before they got that bad) .

And so on. Eventually I stopped talking. I was upset and tearful and he acted and talked about it like I was having an emotional tantrum.


He also mentioned that this seems to be the only thing that seems to make me upset 100% of the time.

At this point I feel like it's revenge for me pointing out discreetly about his nose contents.

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[pearlsw]

Hi misuniaszuibek,

That is indeed tough when someone starts riding you! They see you are upset and seem to take that as a signal to keep going when it should be, in an ideal world, a signal to stop. And then you get blamed for it to boot! I am sorry!

I can imagine between insomnia and feeling depressed you are struggling right now! I also like firm plans, and not having things sprung on me when I am not prepared either. I try to be flexible, but that can really test one's patience.

Did he make this comment about sex in front of his friend? His friend heard this?

What is that he says makes you upset 100% of the time?

How often are such conversations happening?

As this is fresh, I don't want to get too far into how to possibly react differently. We can get into that more later if you like. Now, I think you just need some hugs!  

wishing you peace, pearl.

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniaszuibek,

That is indeed tough when someone starts riding you! They see you are upset and seem to take that as a signal to keep going when it should be, in an ideal world, a signal to stop. And then you get blamed for it to boot! I am sorry!

I can imagine between insomnia and feeling depressed you are struggling right no.! I also like firm plans, and not having things sprung on me when I am not prepared either. I try to flexible, but that can really test one's patience.

Did he make this comment about sex in front of his friend? His friend heard this?

What is that he says makes you upset 100% of the time?

How often are such conversations happening?

As this is fresh, I don't want to get too far into how to possibly react differently. We can get into that more later if you like. Now, I think you just need some hugs!  

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thank you for your response.

Yes to in front of friend and he meant talking about my car and how it's got a few dents and didn't get cleaned too often was a big trigger point for me 100% of the time.

The frustrating part is that I told him, gave him a heads up that it was a tough week and that I'm more sensitive than usual so I need him not to nitpick. He used his friend being there as a diving board into painful things. This conversation happens probably once a week. Even if I have a clean car and things are properly done, he'll say things like it's an awful car and an awful decision and you probably didn't bother to clean it
 

And yeah. I'm totally open to interpretation. What he did was shi*y but I still need to react appropriately and prepare myself for future situations that are similar.  I feel like he's projecting his own anger and disappointment and insecurities into picking on me about my car.

[Radcliff]

Let me join pearlsw in welcoming you!  I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience in the car.  It sounds particularly miserable to have two passengers in your car sniping at you at once.  

While their behavior is not OK, the only thing you can control is your own.  I'm not going to pretend that you ought to be able to turn that experience into three happy folks singing car songs, but certainly with some coping tools we can help you get up to speed with, things can improve.

Have you seen this link on how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE)?  Do you think that working on this might help?

Another thing that strikes me is your vulnerability on the car issue.  Can you use humor to defuse the situation?  "Alrighty folks, let's move on over to my rickety, raggedy, rat trap of a car!  Be careful of that fine finish, don't scratch it!  Sorry, I haven't cleaned it, don't sit on a banana peel!"  Kind of "fake it until you make it," and pretend that you're not sensitive about it?  If they give you a barb, give yourself one humorously.  Might that work?

RC

[pearlsw]

Hi misuniaszuibek,

Taking the focus back to you a bit, because it's hard to make things better when you aren't doing well, are you treating your depression and insomnia? Do you have any support around you there?

Which symptoms of BPD, BPD traits, or perhaps other mental health issues does your partner have may I ask?

sincerely, pearl.

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniaszuibek,

Taking the focus back to you a bit, because it's hard to make things better when you aren't doing well, are you treating your depression and insomnia? Do you have any support around you there?

Which symptoms of BPD, BPD traits, or perhaps other mental health issues does your partner have may I ask?

sincerely, pearl.

Im taking things to help, yes. It's not clinical depression but rather a depressed mood from the couple of days of sleep deprivation. As soon as I started taking st John's wort, my symptoms began to lessen. Definitely reach out for support usually but the weekend left me feeling too overwhelmed to reach out and really talk about it, so I just went for small talk conversations and just socializing instead.


My boyfriend has very quickly shifting emotions with extreme anger and anxiety being two of his foes. Bringing him the wrong lug nut is enough to set him off sometimes to the point he's throwing things. He's very intensely attached to me, sometimes too close for my own comfort. If I'm not by his side 90% of the time while we're out and about he gets anxious and implies I don't care enough to be around him. Constant idea that he's not good enough for me followed by expressing how important I am to him and that he hopes I never leave.Utter need to control everything, otherwise his anxiety gets too much.

I can go from being his sweet misu to "being a bit+ch" and doing "bi+ch moves" within minutes if I don't respond or validate his feelings. Lots of projecting stuff on to me. He's had a history of self harm and suicidal tendencies in the past but thankfully that has tapered off in the last year or so. The only thing that's lingered is somewhat reckless driving. He was so angry that he needed to help me with my car tonight that he blew out his cv axle. But when I came to keep him company while he waited for a tow truck, he was calm and caring and eventually affectionate.

He dissociates if things go too far and he's extremely paranoid about my intentions when I make mistakes. Like he was up half the night and slept until noon and he decides it's my fault he woke up at that time because I just didn't care enough about his plans that he never told me about to wake him.


It's a lot, honestly, but he doesn't spend impulsively, or cheat on me, and he's extremely careful to never hurt me when he's mad. At least physically. Verbally he can be a firecracker, but at some point within minutes, he will try to reconnect, whether by playfully poking me or singing one of our special songs to make me laugh.