Undiagnosed mother with BPD-first timer here

[alpal]

Hi there!
 I happened on this site because I am in a desperate place with my uBPD mother.  I am getting married in November, and with many other important life events- she has managed to make it a living nightmare.  It always seems to be my fault, the one always giving the apology for things I didn't even know I did; or things from the past that she has continued to hold on to, twist and manipulate to make me feel like the crazy one.
One of the hardest parts is accepting that she has this and that she won't change without serious help-which I don't see happening anytime soon.  She is incredibly smart and kick ass at her job but everything behind the scenes is in shambles, yet it is everyone's fault but hers.  I am hoping that a community like this can give insight into this, that I am not alone, and that I can come back from this and grow in my new life and as an individual- I am sick of being a prisoner in our relationship and it is time to make some changes.
 I am seriously having to consider what kind of relationship, if any I can have with her. It is scary to have to come to terms with the notion that you have an ill parent. I am on the hunt for a therapist within my area that can help. I am happy to have found this site and hope to be able to find peace within my life.
Thank you for reading

[Harri]

Hi alpal and welcome to the board.  You're in the right place for support, insight, learning about the disorder, and even better, learning how you can help yourself grow, heal and cope!  I am very glad you found us.

We have had many members post here about the difficulties of planning a wedding while dealing with a parent (usually mother) with BPD or BPD traits.  Most definitely you are not alone!  You can get through this, you can make changes and you can improve things for yourself.  It takes time and is hard but fortunately you have found a great support group.  The people here have helped me in so many ways over my years here and I had never felt so welcome and cared for before in an online community.

We have people in all different types of contact with their parent ranging from no contact, to limited contact to full contact.  All of them are difficult choices and take work.  Boundaries are vital as is accepting that we can only change us.  It is all doable though especially when working together.  I am glad that you will find a therapist as that will help a great deal too.  I have found the combination of posting here and therapy to be a great way to progress in my healing.

Anyway, I do not want to keep chatting your ears off about me.  Can you tell us one or two things you would like to focus upon first?  What behavior of your mother is most problematic?

In the meantime, take a look over on the right side of the page.  towards the top we have links to articles that might help and then below that we have The Survivor's Guide.  Where do you think you fall?

I hope you feel comfortable and settle in and ask question and jump into other threads.  There is a lot of benefit in posting in other peoples threads as well as our own so poke around a bit.

Glad you are here.

[Star0009]

Every Mom is different but I diffuse the situations with my Mom by saying no details about my wedding for example if I was getting married, change the topic and try not to let her in on any of it if possible without telling her so or her thinking you are withholding info. Maybe tell her just small things so she is not onto you. By keeping distance with my Mom it keeps boundaries. The more I let her in/the closer I get the more the boundaries get pushed and the quicker she tries to enmesh herself with me. Its sad I kinda have to manipulate her back but its the only way to keep the loving most peaceful relationship with her. My Mom has crashed family weddings she was not invited to. She would be going bonkers if I was getting married and prob make a scene. I would have to tell her the wedding was off which she would love and try to pamper me at this point then at the last minute as possible tell her its back on if I wanted her there so she could stir up the least amount of drama possible. Sorry yr dealing with this but these boards are a great help as I've found lots of common ground with others here. Borderlines paint people in black and white/ good guy/ bad guy so I must always try to keep strong boundaries with my Mom with positive loving feedback. There is no heart to hearts with my Mom or reasoning. Even if I'm ranging mad at her behavior I have to be nice, polite and loving and remove myself from her as easy as possible. Even sharing loving sentiments that are true to my heart will get used, twisted and distorted and come back to haunt me later.

[JNChell]

Hello, alpal. 

I’m sorry about the distress that you’re feeling about your special day. I’d like to echo Harri in letting you know that you’ve found a good place of support and knowledge here. Probably the best around, but I’m biased.

many other important life events- she has managed to make it a living nightmare.

If you’re comfortable, what other life events are you describing and how has she made them a nightmare.

It always seems to be my fault, the one always giving the apology for things I didn't even know I did; or things from the past that she has continued to hold on to, twist and manipulate to make me feel like the crazy one.

Two things here. It’s hard to tell through text, but it seems that you’re very emotionally charged. Take some long deep breaths. Feel them go in and out. When we’re anxious we forget to breathe. The body becomes anxious without oxygen. Try to calm a little.

Harri brought up the very valid point of setting boundaries. Your wedding is in November? You’ve got plenty of time to adopt some tools that will help you with allowing your wedding to go smoothly. Congratulations by the way!  I’m sure that you’re excited about this next step in your life.

What is she doing as far as injecting herself into your wedding plans? I’ve heard/read countless stories of this happening. Is she basically trying to take ownership of the situation? How does your soon to be spouse feel about it all?

It is scary to have to come to terms with the notion that you have an ill parent.

It certainly is, but it sounds like you’ve come to the understanding that it can longer be pushed to the wayside. What are your notions (instincts) telling you? How do those notions weigh against what your heart says?

My parents were passed long before I realized the severity of their personalities and behaviors. Through literature, the internet and this support group I’ve started to find my own center and ground around it. This support group is priceless.

Now, your wedding day is a priceless occasion. Let’s help you get this aspect in place so that it’s one less worry on your plate.

What has your mom been doing to interfere?

[Turkish]

You're "growing up" and naturally progressing in life as an independent entity. Your mother's likely scared beyond that which she can handle,  despite her high functioning exterior to others. 

How is she making things a living nightmare given your coming nuptials? Congratulations, by the way 



Turkish