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Author Topic: Night With Kids, Free From Anxiety  (Read 367 times)
Turkish
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« on: September 06, 2018, 11:16:52 PM »

I told my ex four months ago that I wanted to take the kids to a concert yesterday. She asked of she could come.  I said that while we did things together ok,  that she could come off she didn't exhibit her usual anxiety (I gave past examples). I was blunt, but truthful. She said,  "I have plans that day anyway." Four months in advance? Not likely,  but she was saving face.

I had considered it.  The kids wanted her to go,  as little as two days ago, in front of the four of us. We handled it well. I thought about caving. Then I thought,  "she's married.  It's a public event.  She took her H, even though they aren't cohabitating, on vacation with the kids two weeks ago.  It kind of bothers me that I let myself do "couples" things with the kids and her sometimes like we are an intact family (like she has her cake). I'm not responsible for 'rescuing' her. "

So I took the kids by myself. 

She trusts me,  kind of,  but bringing D6 to a venue with over 5000 people made her nervous, mostly bathroom issues. I was kind of worried also, mostly if we had to give up our place on the lawn to take either kid. We ate there but I rationed water, not like a neglectful parent. ,you ex, due to her mom, pushes food and water constantly. If either kid had to go at would have gone.  I'm not a monster. 

The kids took off their shoes on the grass.  I could imagine their mom telling them to put their shoes on not to get dirty. I let D6 get two rows ahead of me by the wire so she could see (I did carry her at one point,  but she found a "buddy" girl a little older whose parents I had talked to), but I could imagine my ex saying "watch her!' Which I was doing,  S8 being taller next to me.

I actually wanted their mom to be there.  I used to take her to concerts all of the time; that read my thing.  Yet I couldn't predict if her anxiety would have ruined it,  as it ruined so many things when we were together (and a few things after we split). Together, something simple like going to the mall a mile away.  That used to drive me nuts.  I never knew whom I was going to wake up to.  I didn't always handle it well. 

So the kids and I had a great time,  even if we couldn't stay for the second band that I wanted to see,  but it was a school night.  We got home at 10PM but I still got them to school on time this morning.  D6 had fallen asleep in the car on the half hour drive home.

I kind of feel like a Narc thinking that the more on involved in their lives the me chances they'll have growing up not bring anxiety-ridden basket cases. People on my real life have indicated this. 

I still feel a little but badly because the kids wanted their mom to come. Despite what I said, it might have been ok,  but based upon past experiences,  it could have gone either way. I didn't want to deal with possible WOE. Bottom line is that it went well and it was a good time for me and the kids. 

Despite her rudeness to me the other week about her subsidised housing issue, I had moved past that.  But I'm glad I was able to stand firm and enjoy my time with the kids sans mommy. 
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« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2018, 01:35:40 PM »

Turkish,

It sounds like you have experience in this, my friend - and that you made a very educated, informed, and heartfelt decision.  It sounded like it went well despite some of your regrets? Overall, I think you did very fine.  I am sure it was pleasurable for the kidos as well, and will be a positive memory for them.
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2018, 04:26:51 PM »

I actually wanted their mom to be there.  I used to take her to concerts all of the time; that read my thing.  Yet I couldn't predict if her anxiety would have ruined it,  as it ruined so many things when we were together (and a few things after we split). Together, something simple like going to the mall a mile away.  That used to drive me nuts.  I never knew whom I was going to wake up to.  I didn't always handle it well. 

I kind of feel like a Narc thinking that the more on involved in their lives the me chances they'll have growing up not bring anxiety-ridden basket cases. People on my real life have indicated this. 

I still feel a little but badly because the kids wanted their mom to come. Despite what I said, it might have been ok,  but based upon past experiences,  it could have gone either way. I didn't want to deal with possible WOE. Bottom line is that it went well and it was a good time for me and the kids. 

I live there too. Mine are older (in college), but I've had multiple times when I wished that their dad was there. Everything from discussions at the dinner table to the graduation of one of them from a special program. He missed all, but if he was there, the probability of drama would have been high. Our last face-to-face was excruciating. He angled on ongoing basis to show his contempt of me and dumped a full load at the end. I wish now that I had walked out early on once the business was handled.

I still shake my head over all of the turmoil in our relationship. As if that's normal (as he says). He doesn't get that you treat people like he treats us and come out with them not wanting to be around you.

Once I was moaning to the therapist about being a codependent married to someone with BPD and how our kids would turn out. She commented that the key was that I was there getting help and didn't deny that their father was off. I also took both of them to her even prior to our separation.
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Turkish
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2018, 11:42:08 PM »

Quote from: MeandThee29
Mine are older (in college), but I've had multiple times when I wished that their dad was there. Everything from discussions at the dinner table to the graduation of one of them from a special program.


My ex left me after about 6 years when the kids were 1 and 4 (or 1 and 3 when she started her other life while living with us). That's nowhere near your long marriage, but I feel that I miss the idea of her more than her.

When she asked to come back last spring, it was more the kids than me,  but also I think the idea of me (safe, no drama).

I was thinking about all of this earlier today, and then remembered net brother's wedding two summers ago.  How I was a little jealous when the family pics were taken and age and her H were in the one with the couples and family (I did make one family pic... .they asked me to). And it was only a couple of months later when she reached out to me about her DV with her H. She told me at the time about calling the cops on her H and he got beaten, hog-tied and charged with resisting arrest. In retrospect, no wonder he was so subdued at the wedding as it was only a month before that event. 

Still, they made a pretty couple, all dressed up.

I know I'm safe, but I still struggle with people being fake.  I guess it's what we sometimes do in order to cope.  It's not like they,  for instance, would tell anybody that if they were still together. It was six more months before she separated and went LC.

This biases me about future relationships, but I know it's about me and I need to deal with that myself internally.
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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2018, 12:15:41 AM »

Turkish,
I'm so glad to hear that you had a great time with your kids.  It can definitely be hard reframing the "family time" experiences to exclude your ex.  It's only been recently that I've felt like I could play board/card games with my boys.  That was a "family" activity and it felt like it highlighted that our family was split.  Now it's feeling more like the two(when S19 is at school)/three of us are a family. 

One thing that stood out to me was the fact that you still have your ex's voice running through your head.  It's tremendous that you were able to overcome the messages it was sending, but I am hoping that it will fade.  Do you think this might be a pattern in your life; carrying your ex's voice around with you? 

BG
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Turkish
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2018, 12:40:58 AM »

Excerpt
Do you think this might be a pattern in your life; carrying your ex's voice around with you? 

Now that you mention it... .*ugh*

I'm a People Pleaser, I'll admit.  While I like to think about some things that I will just ignore or that she can just pound sand,  you bring up a good point.  Maybe I shouldn't think as if detaching from external negative voices but more from my own internal negative voices.  Her criticisms and "advice" can drive me nuts even though I see them as not over the top like some members deal with,  but maybe I let it get to me more than I should. 
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2018, 04:23:45 PM »

Now that you mention it... .*ugh*

I'm a People Pleaser, I'll admit.  While I like to think about some things that I will just ignore or that she can just pound sand,  you bring up a good point.  Maybe I shouldn't think as if detaching from external negative voices but more from my own internal negative voices.  Her criticisms and "advice" can drive me nuts even though I see them as not over the top like some members deal with,  but maybe I let it get to me more than I should. 

I'm a People Pleaser and an Empath. Perfect set-up. My self was in the background, and I used to perpetually second-guess myself and take the blame.

Getting better though.
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Turkish
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2018, 11:30:54 PM »

I'm a People Pleaser and an Empath. Perfect set-up. My self was in the background, and I used to perpetually second-guess myself and take the blame.

Getting better though.

Inborn personality may have something to do with this (my son is a natural pleaser, not so much my daughter). How we were trained growing up likely has more to do with it. 

As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-create our family in adult relationships. - When Parents Make Children Their Partners - Kenneth M. Adams, PhD
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