Gone girl? I broke up, she's sort of moved on. Maybe she'll come back?

[Turkish]

I have trouble with self care.  My T asked me that and I decided I heard the trombone adult voice from Peanuts.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Euler2718]

I'm feeling very devalued right now. Getting nothing positive but lots of judgements (minor things like I watch too much TV am not interested in news or politics, etc). I feel so unloved, she was my only "source", so I try to go back to the well. But maybe I can let go for awhile (a short while) since it's not doing much 4 me (might be hurting me). What to do with my intense unlovednees though -- I can't start up with someone else now like she did, it's nit right and not my way. I exercised moderately ( helps me sleep) and went to see a movie about a demonic nun. I bet she would judge me 4 that too!

On a more positive note, I saw the therapist today, he said I was doing gr8, I asked him when I would be ready for a date. He said my heart would know, but he said not too long and also that my prospects for a family are moderate at least.

I'm fixin to transform myself with God's help in a way that blows everyone's mind. It's my new mission.

Time for the demonic nun movie. Have a blessed night all.

[Euler2718]

By the way, she sorta has to devalued me for 2 reasons 1. Loving me while she's with someone else is angst for her and 2. It hurts to love me and I failed her. But knowing it doesn't completely fix my emptiness.

[Radcliff]

I can relate to wanting the love to come from outside, but you gotta learn to love yourself.  I see a couple of good signs.  You talked about exercising, and want to make a transformation.  What are the elements of your transformation?  One thing that helped me finally get real about self care was making a list on a spreadsheet, with a row for every healthy behavior I wanted to do (several exercise lines, meditation, walking the dog, practicing an instrument, talking to a friend each day, etc.).  Then a column for each day of the week.  I'm not that organized, this was just me trying to power through and make it happen.  I completed as many items on the list each day as I could.  There's more on there than I can realistically do each day; I don't worry about that, I just do as many as possible, and if I have a lame day, I get back on it the next.

Tell us more about what you want to achieve in your transformation!

RC

[Euler2718]

I wanna be able to love someone in a way that majes them happy, not sad. I wanna feel safe when I do it.

[Euler2718]

Not sure how the transformation goes. It's not a plan of mine just a thing I believe in and as am open to. I talk to a lot if people about my heart now (I have material), I seek out crowds, I have dinners with friends, tonight I'll be at the rodeo, etc. Lots of people and places other than being at home alone but it's just desperation to avoid being alone with my feelings.  Hard for me to give back I only feel my own pain 80 or more percent of the time.

[Radcliff]

I wanna be able to love someone in a way that majes them happy, not sad. I wanna feel safe when I do it.

The thing I learned the hard way is that the other person has to be responsible for their happiness.  We can't take an unhappy person and make them happy.  They need to bring the ability to be happy to the table.  It does feel wonderful to make someone happy, but my goal is to find a healthy person who's reasonably happy on her own, and being together makes us extra happy.  I'm not sure if I'm being articulate.  Does that make sense?

Not sure how the transformation goes. It's not a plan of mine just a thing I believe in and as am open to. I talk to a lot if people about my heart now (I have material), I seek out crowds, I have dinners with friends, tonight I'll be at the rodeo, etc. Lots of people and places other than being at home alone but it's just desperation to avoid being alone with my feelings.  Hard for me to give back I only feel my own pain 80 or more percent of the time.

That's totally OK if you're forcing yourself to go out but are feeling crummy inside.  There's a principle for managing emotions called "opposite action."  Basically, if you're feeling depressed, you force yourself to get out and about.  If you are feeling anxious, you do calming activities.  I have spent a whole lot of time at events with people in the last year where I felt like a zombie who wasn't giving back.  It got better, slowly.

Have fun at the rodeo!  It's been too long since I've been to one!

RC

[Euler2718]

Not sure how to ask anyone else about this, but one thing that seems to bring me (temporary) relief is an orgasm. Of course, I'm thinking about her when I do this (my mind can't picture anyone else). Anyway, it maybe buys me some respite from my obsessive thought patterns. Does this sound like a good idea? We're tslking once a day, maybe twice on weekends.

It also helps me feel less"needy" so that I'm less likely to call out to her, which it seems may be unhealthy since she's with someone else.

[Radcliff]

Sure an orgasm can be healthy, though if you're thinking of her maybe it's a breakeven as far as healing goes.  It could be a row on the self-care spreadsheet.  You're going to want a pretty diverse set of self care activities.  What other things might be good for your self care list?

RC

[Euler2718]

I'm torn. She calls me and I know she still loves me and she knows I wsnt her back but she's with someone else. We dissect the past then she hangs up. I'm trying to be loving, I'm trying to maintain contact (cause I feel SO unloved without her) but I'm still attached and hurting... .meanwhile she has a new guy( WHOS WINDERFUL). She's very loving to me and vice versa (but we can't talk about it anymore since she has a new guy) and I let her go do I dirt of regret it but I'm torn. I just want someone to hold me and live me and not leave (so I got those aspects myself). Maybe I'll fall asleep soon. I'm considering not answering the phone. Buy I miss her so much. I'm in hell. I may be slowly detaching though. And she's so calm and cool. Ick.

[Euler2718]

Earlier I just wanted to feel better and it felt like if I puked I would and I sort of tried to, but of course nothing came out. I wish I could just get the poison out of me. Before I met her I felt s little empty and alone, maybe, but I was normal.

The good news is that maybe I can have a meaningful relationship someday since now I'm seeing a therapist to deal with the trends in my romantic life that predated this one.

Puking it out would make for an easier night, too bad it's a fantasy.

[Euler2718]

I'm pretty sad today. A lot of days, actually. I feel like I'm gonna die unloved and childless. The therapist says the odds are in my favor, though. I can't cry well so the pain gets stuck inside here. And I won't use tv to go numb ever again ( I got home early and am reading "setting free the bears" though).

Just checking in, no questions. BPD is on travel and work-focused (we both know how to be in this mode).

[Euler2718]

Update: its been another month. Seeing the T about weekly. Started listing myself on dating web sites, ok. But there do seem to be some potential mates there. Flirting with girls who don't live close, making no firm commitments. I think I want a whole enchilada (wife and kids both), so a lot of women can't really hit that target.

Anyway, she still calls me, is still with the replacement, is considering marriage perhaps -- but I'm not freaked like before. Maybe it's because I have a bit of hope. Maybe its because I can see her more clearly, including her self-absorption, which is obvious now.  Oh, and I told her I was in love with her (clumsily) but it didn't change the current trajectory.

I'm in God's hands, ill be ok -- sticking with the T so I can become a better me. Time helps, thank God .

[Turkish]

My T said that sticking with therapy demonstrates character (juxtaposing it with my ex who quit).