Marriage seems impossible

[Alia]

Dear all,

I found this message board after my couple's counselor told me in a private session that my husband might be borderline. I am a bit struggling with the ethics of this... .but she told me that he is not in a state in which she can tell him yet and that it could help me to cope if I read up on this. So that's what I have been trying to do. He is also depressed and takes medication and individual therapy for that.

This website seems helpful, though also confronting - I understand there is a greater need for me to find and accept my role in our fights. I might have been too focussed on the idea that he needs to get better for us to get better.

On the one hand, my husband does not seem as extreme as some of the personal stories I have read. But the things I certainly recognise and that make things hard for me are for example

- his extreme need for validation

- his need for me to know what he needs telepatically

- him seeing so much wrong in me, and blaming me for all kinds of things. For example, I have a demanding job for which I have to travel sometimes. He says that whenever I travel, it is impossible for him to work because it means he has to take care of our child. But our child is in full time child care from 9-6. Whenever he is out of town I work as much as usual. I understand that he cannot work as much as me because he is depressed and needs his own time. Like he spends hours o social media. Then he deactivates his account every other month or so because it becomes too overwhelming and he gets in lots of fights with his virtual friends, but the rest of the tie he says that the distraction really helps him. But even the last time, when he had been drinking till 5am and sleeping till 1pm the next day, he still blamed me being out of town for not having been able to work.

I read on this website that it is important to validate someone's feelings. And I see that whenever I challenge him on this point, that he has to sacrifice his work for mine, we just spriral into a fight. To break this cycle I would have to somehow validate his feeling. But I have been struggeling with this so much, because I really cannot accept his truth.

- his mind taking things hugely out of proportion in my experience. Like once I had to leave in the morning for an appointment, so he had to get up early which is not his thing and spend two hours with our child. So I had carefully thought out I should wake him not too early but also not too late so that he had time to slowly wake up and I had prepared him a coffee and eggs. Then just as I was leaving, already late, he asked me for a second coffee. I said 'oh I'm sorry but I really have to leave now'. I think I said it in an apologetic way. But he thought I said it in an annoyed way and related my reaction to 'my overall lack of empathy' and it led to a day long fight.

- when he gets angry he can become another person. He calls me a bitch, an arrogant racist, a bad and absent mother, selfish and without any emotional intelligence, someone evil who should rot in hell, someone with an empty soul... .he threatens to divorce me or to get me deported. He says that when he will commit suicide he will make sure the world knows that it was my fault. He screams with a horrible harsh voice.

- then when he is calm his voice and manners are again so soft I feel like i easily forgive him. I have been trying to set boundaries. We have fought in the past in front of our child and I never want to do that again. When he did this last week I asked him to leave. But it is making things worse. Reading the part about boundaries on this website confused me. Everyone around me (well, the 3 people I have discussed this with) tell me setting these kind of boundaries is good. But he is taking it as a punishment whereas he feels he is the victim.

We are restarting our couple's therapy soon after a half year break. But we have sunken in a huge spiral of fights in which he finds a few things I have done or not done so unforgiveble and my defense of them or trying to explain how he sees it wrong and I am not as bad as he things only infuriating... .and then shortly after fights he sometimes feels regretful and tired of fighting and wants intimacy but when I am sad I find it so difficult to switch to sex, and then again he is angry that I deny him sex and calls me frigid... .anyway things have gone bad in the past but we seemed on a good road to recovery and now there is such a huge setback that I have gotten really close to breaking it of. It seems hopeless at times. But maybe it is time for me to get real and start to really do my part.

So... .whether he is indeed borderline or not I cannot say. But I recognise these things and I am struggeling with the concept of boundaries and how they can help, as well as with giving him the validation he needs without accepting his truth in some cases... .Maybe I am not mature enough for this relationship. Maybe some practical examples from people who recognise my struggle and who have managed to overcome them somehow might help... .Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Alia,



Glad to have you with us! Yes, there are a lot of stories here from the more mild to the extreme. I know how shocking it can be!

There is so much in your post I'm not sure where to start. I ask that you stick with us a bit as we talk this all through with you.

It's helpful if you could start reading through the lessons on to the right of the board here to get a feel for what folks are discussing. We're all here learning together and supporting one another.  

The more you post on your own and others threads, people will in time know you a bit better and be able to offer even more insights and support. There are so many issues to detangle here!

On validation I can give this background. I had done a wee bit of couples counseling to save an earlier relationship I had, read a stack of communication books, took up mediation, the works! So when I later had a relationship with someone with BPD traits and weak communication skills I tended to blame him and think I was awesome!   Okay, I was awesome, but still, I was not being fair to him. I really had to stop and say "It's time to completely rethink everything I thought I knew about relationships and start from scratch." Tall order, but I try to do this regularly. Assume I am wrong, need to relearn everything, and start fresh again. It's actually quite liberating this being wrong stuff!

If you read here you'll see many strategies for communication that will turn your assumptions about relationships on their head! For example, I thought I was pretty nice, but oh my, did I realize that I was very invalidating towards my partner's feelings. I was not used to being the "less emotional" of the two people by such a large margin so when his strong emotions came up I'd say lots of invalidating things, expect him to get over things, think his emotions were way off. But I had to learn to find a way to respect his emotions and deal with them with sensitivity. I didn't have to agree. But I did need to treat his emotions differently.

So, you will learn a lot here. I'd suggest rather than resist it, you embrace it like studying any other subject in school you may not have wanted to, but needed a good grade in.

How long have you two been together? How did the couple's counseling go before? Is he interested in improving things as well?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Alia]

Thanks!

We have been together for ten years, married for five, had some heavy fights before but not regular, it started to go wrong after our son was born 2,5 years ago. When he turned one we started couple's councelling - I wanted it earlier but could only convince him after he had a short lived affair. He felt so bad about it, it just did not rhyme with the kind of person he wants to be... .that he agreed to councelling. He can be extremely self-critical and willing to change things. At the same time, he strongly felt that the councellor was biased towards me. He wants to try another one now. He is also not at easy with the depression diagnose yet and the medication, he feels its stigmatic and a punishment for his affair, keeps saying he is not crazy. Had the short lived insight that its a disease and the medication helps him, but mosltly he wants it to be as temporary as possible.

Anyway, regarding this advice: "I didn't have to agree. But I did need to treat his emotions differently." I kind of understand what you mean and can see how to do this when it is an emotion that does not involve me ina direct way, but it is SO hard when his emotion is negative about me. When it is about me being at fault and I feel attacked unreasonably so. Then how do I validate? Does anyone has experienced getting passed this somehow? A strategy to validate feelings that involve anger towards themselves, the partner?

[pearlsw]

Hi Alia,

These passages should help:

Communication Skills: Don’t Be Invalidating

Remaining True to Ourselves
Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.

For these reasons, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.

And this:

Finding The Validation Target
Finding a validation target and mirroring it back from the other person's perspective (empathizing) is the crux of effective validating. There are two critical steps here. Finding the target. Empathizing with the other person.

An ideal target is one that is close to the other person's emotional epicenter.  It could be as simple as validating how the other person feels.  It could be mirroring back the other person's rationale of how they are seeing things and why they feel the way the way they do. It could be picking up on secondary elements that they're experiencing which are true, and confirming that.  

Empathizing with the person when validating the validation target is extremely important. There is little empathy in saying “I'm sorry if not having the car tonight makes you feel bad”. It's much more empathetic to say "Wow, after telling your friends that you would drive everyone to the movie tonight, I can really understand how embarrassing not having the car is". (to be continued on that link above)

I'm gonna check I have the right fancy links and drop those in here!

Validation Skill: Stop Invalidating Others

Validation Examples

It takes time to absorb all this! Let us know what you think!

Hopefully others will come by with their own stories/examples too!

take care, pearl.

[Alia]

I did see these pages... .I just find it hard to imagine how that would work in a real life scenario in my own case. Sometimes I try and make it worse so apparently do it wrong.

Like one time he had a clash with my parents in my absense. I immediately agreed that they had been unreasonable, rude, disrespectful. I apologised, I told of my parents. But then he thought I was downplaying by using words like rude, and said I had not been solidary enough, because in his opinion they had been manipulative sadists. He called my mother a manipulative sadistic bitch. How do I validate that? And balance it by setting boundaries? Because for me he was crossing a boundary there, but the second I challenge it, saying hey - I agree they treated you wrong but you are going a little bit too far her, he only gets angrier.

It is like it is never enough... .Once he was angry with a friend and I listened to him, validated, agreed on all points, repeated them, for hours - even though it was my birthday and I was hoping to have a nice time. Next day he had a huge outburst because I had not shown the solidarity by writing myself to this friend to show i was on his side. And the outburst happened in a full plane, in the air, with our son sleeping on both our laps. Then am I supposed to validate that anger? How? Should I say ok, I am sorry I made you fee I was not solidary? You must all be angels... .because at that moment I felt so taken of guard, the outburst came so unexpected, I could only cry.

I am starting my own therapy this week and can hopefully practice these things. But I would really love to read some specific examples of how to respond to unreasonable anger, how to validate it while keeping boundaries and staying true to yourself. That car-example from the page you shared is one but a bit limited... .

[Radcliff]

First, let me acknowledge the hard work you are putting into your relationship, and thank you for so clearly laying out your situation so we can understand it.  We're glad you're here.

One of the important things about validation is not to validate the invalid.  In order to make our partner happy, or at least calmer, we sometimes allow ourselves to criticize others or accept positions that are not reasonable.  We can end up violating our values to do this.  This may bring short-term relief, but is bad in the long term.

A helpful approach is to use partial validation.  We identify what part of our partner's position can be validated without violating our values, and we do that.  For example, if he says, "Your mother invited herself over!  She is a selfish, no-good, stinking monster woman who should be thrown in a pit!"  You can validate his feelings, that it must feel like an invasion to him, that you wish she'd been more thoughtful, without validating the invalid things.  The challenge, here, as you've said, is that it may appear that no amount of validation is enough.  Is that about the size of things?

Be cautious about "telling off" your parents in an effort to make your spouse feel better.  Take some time, and make sure that your communications with them are in line with your values, and not just driven by a need to keep your partner calm.  This issue is one of the ways that members here can eat away at their support system outside the relationship over time.

RC

[Alia]

Thank you. This is very helpful. It is definately a skill I need to practice and learn. I must confess that I do doubt sometimes if it is worth it. There are certain things I now know I have to give up on if I want to stay with him. Like family holidays and a second baby. This is hard for me. But so far I have decided it is worth it. To stay together with my love and son's father. To make the best of what we started and find our own path back to happiness. I will keep reading this place and discuss all this with my therapist, and try to apply it.

[Radcliff]

Great!  We're here to support you whatever you decide about the relationship, but we typically advice a new member to give the tools a diligent try for a good long while before coming to any conclusions.  That's good news that you feel he is on the milder side compared to some of the situations you see here.  Those milder cases tend to be ones where partners can get better traction with the coping tools.  

What are some of the things that you love about him?  What's going well?

As you look at the next couple of weeks, what situation would you most like to be able to handle more successfully?

RC

[Alia]

I love that he cares so much about the world around him - though it also means that he can sink in a depression from the news, but it is so much better than not caring. It makes me more aware of social ills. And he does more then thinking, he has strong values and acts on them. Though he can treat me bad with his swearing, he treats the people around him well, compared to most people. He knows the street cleaners and delivery people by name and he knows the names of their kids. I love that he is always open to changing his view points. Even though he might just come back at them again in a fight. But still. When he is his calm self he is much more self aware then others. That's why he struggles with himself also. Like with the influences of growing up in a patriarchal society might have on his behaviour unconsciously. Most people would not think about this at all. He is good with words and can cook well. He can be really funny. And even though he is struggeling with it what he wants the most now is being a good father.

We generally do well when its just us. When relatives, our child, my friends or work are involved there are lots of potential conflicts. So basically, dealing with all life around us

So what I want as a first priority is for him to come on board with my most important core value now, is to make sure our child grows up in a save and calm environment. So the boundary not to cross is to fight in front of him. Definately not to scream but even to not fight passive aggressively. I'm not sure how to act when the boundary is crossed. It is not easy to leave myself with a small child and when I ask him to leave he feels being punished. So I can leave to another room with the child, but this will only work if he gets on board with this. Otherwise he will only bang on the door out of frustration. I think he will get on board because of his wish to be a good father. I'll try to get this agreed on in therapy, maybe.

And to help in accomplishing this, it is key to find the right tools not to escalate fights. We did work on that earlier and succeeded for about half a year. We fought but it did not get out of hand as earlier (with things being thrown around the house, breaking glass, one of us storming out, bad screaming).

[pearlsw]

I love that he cares so much about the world around him - though it also means that he can sink in a depression from the news, but it is so much better than not caring. 

Hi Alia,

Thank you for sharing! It sounds like he has many wonderful qualities and that is nice to hear! I know it is so hard to see such a good side and such a difficult side in the same person.

I am wondering, given what you've said here, if he has much self awareness or any desire to change.  Has he ever expressed any desire to make changes, is he open to doing anything that could help him calm himself? Of course, I don't want us to focus on changing him, but introducing ideas to him, if he is open to it, may help. But first and foremost the focus should be working on the personal changes you can make that can possibly lead to better outcomes.

In terms of fights not escalating, one of the first things to do is to slow down your own reaction times and regulate your own emotions. What brought you those previous successes (for that half year) that you mention?

sincerely, pearl.

[Alia]

For us, I think couple's therapy worked for a while. The therapist diagnosed him with depression and he started medication for that. It helped him calm down his thoughts. She taught us to take distance when needed to prevent escalation of fights. She showed me that I feel a lot of anxiety... .because in fights he just really sees the worst in me. I feel the need to make him see my right intentions. And therefore keep going about certain point potentially making things worse. He also practiced meditation for a while, he learned in childhood and it helped, but now he has rejected it for anti-religious/political reasons.

Then we quit couple's therapy because she suggested he should go for individual therapy for a while first. He also felt the couple's therapist was too biased. And he has always felt that medication is something temporary and something he really does not want... .so he is a bit non-committed and irregular about it. And it is a very sensitive topic. If I encourage him to be regular or make a doctor's appointment for him hw goes into long rants about the right to self-determination of the patient.

Now I went to see our couple's therapist alone and she suggested that I would go and see my husband's psychiatrist, alone. To give him my experience and in this way make him aware that there is possibly more than just depression... .borderline or something related. I think my husband would resent this advice so I have now scheduled an appointment behind his back. Hoping it would lead to the doc asking him more questions directed to possible disorders and maybe ask for consent to speak to his therapist... .let's see. He also says that his therapist says that he should consider whether I am the problem or cause of his mental problems.

We currently have a huge crisis over something that happened over the summer. My husband had a panick attack after clashing with my parents in my absence. I have supported him for 95% in that my parents words and actions were actually not very nice and respectful. But there was one detail... .he says that my mother snatched juice from my son's hand and refused to give him juice. My mother says that she was feeling nervous because of the earlier clash, and that she might have therefore taken the juice packet from his hands a bit roughly. But that the intention was to help him open it and poor it in the glass (he is 2). My husband insists that she is lying and that she did it out of cruelty and jealousy because my son had said he preferred his father to open the packet.

I cannot support his version and his conclusion of my mother's motivation... .my mother's version makes much more sense. He has made this the core of all matters. Today he packed a bag to leave me (has not left yet), because I cannot validate his reality. And therefore he cannot trust me in anything. 

Typical situation of where I really don't know how I can possibly validate his reality within my own values. I tried saying that I know you suffered, I'm sorry for that. But I suggested there might be a misunderstanding and they are both right. But this suggestion caused him to explode.

And it all started by the way with him saying that he was feeling good, without taking his medication. It was already noon so I said, I think in a very loving tone, 'great. Do take it though'. It is not a crazy thing to say because he has been irregular and not really caring about a day with, a day without. But this comment immediately caused his mood to make a full u-turn. I should not have assumed that he would not take it. I guess he is right here... .he was feeling good and I should have validated his happiness about this. Instead I ruined it by acting controlling.

So... .lot to learn, still. Struggeling a lot. And on every other 'good' moment he is trying to convince me to have another child. But today he was again screaming and I crying with our child in the house. No abuses at least so some improvement but very loud voice. I am so worried about ruining my perfect, cheerful baby.

[sotiredofthis]

Wanted to take a sec to say I read your posts and relate very much. Don't have much advice or anything to add but just want to say I read it and I see you and feel much the same way on lots of what you brought up. You are not alone.

[loyalwife]

Hi Alia,

Oh wow. Your post really has touched me, as I know exactly how you are feeling.

Anyway, regarding this advice: "I didn't have to agree. But I did need to treat his emotions differently." I kind of understand what you mean and can see how to do this when it is an emotion that does not involve me ina direct way, but it is SO hard when his emotion is negative about me. When it is about me being at fault and I feel attacked unreasonably so. Then how do I validate? Does anyone has experienced getting passed this somehow? A strategy to validate feelings that involve anger towards themselves, the partner?

My husband rages at me too, out of the blue and without any warning. One minute we are having a nice dinner, and then I say something or worse yet he thinks something and then he's off on a tangent. Today, he told me that all of his problems stem from me and the fact that two years ago my son lived with us, and I had two dogs and that all the money he spent on them could have gone for his bills. I acknowledge this, sometimes without too many words, all the while knowing that this is in his head, not real truth. To him, yes, it's justified, but he has also been holding on to old beliefs and when he wants to rage (as I feel it must make them feel better), he picks the lowest fruit. Me. It feels terrible to be the brunt of their unhappiness, but the truth is, we aren't. I admire that you have made an appointment with his therapist with the advice of yours so that they are aware of the circumstances. I was recently told by my therapist that unless the pwBPD goes into therapy wanting to help themselves and not blaming others, it will be of no use. My husband did the same thing and blamed me and the circumstances on his unhappiness and was told to change them. This led to a year of divorce papers (two) and lost time. It has to be scary for them to think that perhaps the problem isn't someone else, but them.

I have found that the best remedy for the explosion is to control your reaction and let them be. Find a place that you can have the peace you need, anywhere but in their presence. I will only fuel the flame, and cause anxiety for yourself. Use this time to take care of yourself, it's paramount. When you do this you will have the strength you need to take care of your kids.

The BPD marriage is a roller coaster existence. The highs (which is the happy times) reach epic heights sometimes, but the lows can make you feel like your crashing. The smooth times still have some curves, but never as surprising as the downhill. Stay the course, and learn more here on this site. You aren't alone, ever, your in a good place and we have all been on this ride alongside you.

Stay the course.

[Radcliff]

Alia,

Regarding the juice incident, it's completely understandable to feel a need to understand what really happened and defend the person who "should" be defended.  But it just adds to the conflict and prolongs it.  It's impossible to know what really happened, nor do you need to know.  You can support and love both your mother and husband.  Validate their emotions ("that situation sounds upsetting, I'm sorry it happened.")  But they need to work it out between them.  You cannot be a referee.  It creates something called a Karpman Drama Triangle.  Don't let it be your crisis.  Validate the emotions without taking sides, and move on.  It takes some practice, but once you see situations like that happening and learn to avoid them, it makes a big difference for the better.

You mentioned that arguments with your husband are a big thing, and you've been doing some work on it.  Take a look at this Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.  Does anything in that lesson look relevant to your situation?

There's another tool I'd like to introduce you to, and a book that could be helpful.  Would you like to hear about them?

RC

[Alia]

Wanted to take a sec to say I read your posts and relate very much. Don't have much advice or anything to add but just want to say I read it and I see you and feel much the same way on lots of what you brought up. You are not alone.

Thank you

[Alia]

I have found that the best remedy for the explosion is to control your reaction and let them be.

That is good advice. Sometimes difficult... .I cannot always pack up and leave the house, because of our child. The other day he was raging from the other room while I was with our child and I pleaded with him to give it a break at least and I closed the door. ut he just opened the door and came into the room to continue the rant. But definately important to find ways. And particularly to control my own reaction.

[Alia]

Alia,

Regarding the juice incident, it's completely understandable to feel a need to understand what really happened and defend the person who "should" be defended.  But it just adds to the conflict and prolongs it.  It's impossible to know what really happened, nor do you need to know.  You can support and love both your mother and husband.  Validate their emotions ("that situation sounds upsetting, I'm sorry it happened.")  But they need to work it out between them.  You cannot be a referee.  It creates something called a Karpman Drama Triangle.  Don't let it be your crisis.  Validate the emotions without taking sides, and move on.  It takes some practice, but once you see situations like that happening and learn to avoid them, it makes a big difference for the better.

You mentioned that arguments with your husband are a big thing, and you've been doing some work on it.  Take a look at this Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.  Does anything in that lesson look relevant to your situation?

There's another tool I'd like to introduce you to, and a book that could be helpful.  Would you like to hear about them?

RC

Thank you. This does seem helpful. I guess my strongest urge is to defend myself (or in this case my mother - who is the opposite of evil and is experiencing sleepless nights and is in therapy herself to make sense of what happened between them) and to try to make him see reason. That seems like a good idea, but I guess it often is destructive because I am not able to convince him and to him is is invalidating. He is using this word himself a lot. I think it is in my character to want to be right - my father always jokes about that because he is the same. But in my marriage it makes it even harder to control this urge to use what I find logic and reason to convince him not to be angry.

I do feel I have tried validation. When the clash with my parents started I said these things, like 'I am so sorry this happened to you' but then he turned to me immediately, saying that it happened because I was away to work and that I am always working leaving him without any help. So then I acted on my urge to reason with him and defend myself and that me not being there was planned and agreed on months ago. And things got worse and out of hand. So here I should validate not only when others are the target but even if I am, I could have said 'I am sorry I was not there for you, you must have felt alone' - instead of immediately responding to the allegation that it was my fault and I am always working. It came out in our couple's therapy also, that I cannot deal even for a while with him seeing me in a bad light, I have the urge to make him see the good in me. So I'll have to learn to suppress that urge because from experience I now know that this is not helping.

Sometimes its also hard because he is forcing me to make certain statements that I can't. I never do. Like when he had a panick attack he was screaming at me afterwards that I had to accept now that it was my fault for being a workaholic. He really wanted me to repeat those words while he ws in a rage and saying them seemed the only way of taking him out of that rage, but I did not want to accept fault, nor this judgement. So I just cried and said sorry in general.

Now with the juice I'm not sure how to go back... .I have tried saying that I supported him in all that was said and done, just he is going too far by claiming evil and sadistic motives. I told him I can love both my mother and him. I cannot validate that she is evil, but I do validate your experience. But that is insane according to him and impossible. I have to try to avoid the evil motive argument and validate his experience without saying 'but I cannot support that part'. It seems to be the only way for him to justify his own reaction, by making the other evil and seeing his experience in the context of victim vs suppressor. It just keeps coming back to this somehow. I feel he is trying to push me to accepting the evilness of my mum.

But... .if it comes up again (at the moment he has not come back home and says its over) I will try to just validate his emotions and experience, without using any buts and suppressing the urge to make him see the good in mum, but also without accepting what I see as falsehoods. Also I will delay my response if need be.

Other tools and book you can tell me about... .

[Radcliff]

You've got some really good awareness and insights.  This stuff is hard.  It's one thing to think about it during calm times when you're alone, or when you're talking to us, but yet another thing entirely to practice it effectively in the heat of the moment, especially if your partner starts applying pressure.  Keep at it, be willing to fail and try again.  Over time, you'll hopefully find that though you may take a step back, you'll take two forward.

On the juice thing, don't go back and try to fix it.  Is he still bringing it up?

So, the tool I was going to mention is learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  I think you'll find it to be applicable!  Though it takes some discipline and effort to get a handle on this technique, you'll get a lot of bang for the buck as far as reducing conflict.  You don't have to get your partner to do anything different.  It's all you, suppressing that urge to... .justify, argue, defend, or explain.  Give it a try for homework -- can you try to catch yourself in the act over the weekend, and let us know how it goes?

On the validation thing, what you're describing is partial validation, where you validate the part of his position that you believe in, but avoid validating what you don't.  For logical folks it's natural to lay out the parts you believe in as well as the parts you don't believe in.  Why wouldn't we be thorough and cover everything?  Well, with a pwBPD, that doesn't work so well.  You'll get much better results by ignoring the part you don't believe in and being smooth and quick to validate what you do believe in.  Feelings are an especially good target for partial validation.  Let us know if you have an opportunity for partial validation this weekend!

The book I was thinking of is The High Conflict Couple.  It's written by a BPD expert, but it doesn't mention BPD at all, so at least a couple of members have shared it with their partners (with mixed success; you'll want to judge your own situation).  I felt like the author really understood the types of conflicts that occurred in my relationship and had good advice.

RC

[Alia]

Thank you.

This all makes sense - like you say, when reading about it in calm moments. I won't get the chance to practice it immediately, because as of now he is staying with a friend. Planning couple therapy in the coming week which might be the first time we will have a conversation. Regarding the juice: yes he keeps bringing it up. This happened in June. Bus this week time a minor argument turned to - how can I trust you considering you did not support me with this juice. He is actually staying with his friend because I did not support him on the juice. And I expect couple therapy to be focused on the juice. So I'll try to prepare for this keeping all the tools in mind.

thanks for the book tip I have ordered it.

[Radcliff]

OK, so the juice incident lives on ;)  It's a common experience for members to find their partners bringing up incidents long after they are over.  If he brings it up again, which it sounds like he will, you have an opportunity for partial validation.  If you were to think about how you might have more healthily handled the situation, and you were to word a partial validation statement to him that focuses on things where your new healthy perspective is likely to align with what he feels, what would you say to him?  You can draft it with us, and let us know how it goes when you talk to him.

RC