My sister has just been diagnosed with BPD

[Babypenguin]

Hi, I’m new here, I’m new to all of this. I had not even heard of BPD until last week, until the psychiatrist put a label to it. My parents seperated when we were young and the only thing they agreed on was that she “had spirit” and “was rebellious”. They blamed each other incessantly for that too. She was always kind to me and took it out on them so I just thought she was angrier than me about our parents separating. Now that i’ve started learning about BPD, I am certain that my father has it. He’s been verbally abusive to us his whole life, he’s impulsive, he’s extremely unpredictable - we were all terrified of him and we still are. Back to my sister, she’s always made damaging life choices. She used to skip school from as young as 12, she would skip exams and eventually stop attending altogether. She had much older boyfriends, often very inappropriate people like men in their 50s, married men, etc. She had a lot of unprotected sex with strangers. She abused alcohol and drugs. She flew overseas at a monent’s notice to have sex with strangers. She would bail out of family holidays. She would never save any money and spend her last money on frivolous things. She quit jobs impulsively. She would get angry and throw things at people or walls. She got so drunk that people took advantage of her several times. She got into fights and was punched by men in bars. She’s always just been “one of a kind”. I don’t know why I never saw it, I just always knew she was a kind person and I focused on that and never saw the scary parts of my father. Recently, things changed, she took on a lot more responsibility in a family business (she told the family she wanted this) and it was too much for her. She’s dark, mean, angry and she keeps talking about killing herself. She says she’s a burden and she wants to die. She says she hates the way she thinks and feels and she can’t trust what she wants because it changes all the time. She stopped showing up at work, so I have been doing the job for her full time. She told me she hates seeing me happy and functional because it reminds her of how she isn’t either of those things. I’m extremely concerned about her well being, i’m terrified that she will jump off a bridge. I feel so guilty for not seeing the signs before, I let her make so many bad choices because I thought she was making those choices independently but now I realise that they could have been prevented. The bad things that happened to her could have been prevented. She was diagnosed last week and since then she’s been acting very angry towards the family. I’ve been living with her for 3 weeks, I came as soon as she told me she wanted to die. I took the work pressure off and booked the doctors appointment. She won’t speak to my parents because she blames them for being here in the first place. She tolerates me but she just has so much anger in her. The psychiatrist is recommended therapy and lithium. I don’t know what she needs from me right now. I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. I’m emotionally drained from trying to convince her that life has value. I’m mentally exhausted of doing her job full time in addition to my own work. I’m emotionally exhausted of being told I never understand and my life is so easy when it feels anything but easy. I’ve been away from my partner for 3 weeks now, doing her job full time and feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. As I mentioned, she has always been temperamental but kind historically. It’s just in the last few weeks that she has been angry and having suicidal thoughts. It’s been a lot worse since her diagnosis. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Turkish]

She’s dark, mean, angry and she keeps talking about killing herself. She says she’s a burden and she wants to die. She says she hates the way she thinks and feels and she can’t trust what she wants because it changes all the time. She stopped showing up at work, so I have been doing the job for her full time. She told me she hates seeing me happy and functional because it reminds her of how she isn’t either of those things.

Her words are communicating deep inner shame, which is the core feeling which governs the distorted world view of a person with BPD. 

Trying to convince her that life is worth living may be invalidating because it's telling her that her feelings are wrong.  In the words of a recovered pwBPD (person with BPD), "I feel that my feelings are inherently worthless; therefore, I'm inherently worthless." Rage and emotional dysregulation can follow.

Have you had a chance to take a look at the validation tools here? They were developed to help interact with emotionally sensitive people.  Check out the Tools pull down menu at the very top of the page. 

It's a good thing you're talking to her.  We can help support you through this 

Turkish

[Harri]

Hi Babypenguin and welcome to the board.  You have landed in a great place to get support for yourself and to learn tools that will help you cope and communicate better with your sister.  BPD is a difficult diagnosis to have and to work with.  Many of us here have family members who have been diagnosed or even not diagnosed but we feel they fit the criteria.  Regardless, having a support system is vital and that is what we do here.

Turkish talked about shame and he is right.  Shame is very difficult to work with and even harder to try to overcome.  The good news is is that with hard work and therapy things can get better.  Things can also improve greatly as life settles down and you learn more about the disorder and appropriate role you can take.  One important thing is self-care.  You can't help anyone if you are not okay yourself.

We have lots of links and articles to refer you to.  There is one I am going to suggest in addition to hwat Turksih pointed you to.  It is actually one of the articles offered on our other boards but I think it applies here in your situation:  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

I hope you find something useful.  In the meantime get comfortable, read, post, settle in.  Youa re in good company!

[Woolspinner2000]

I want to join the others in welcoming you, Babypenguin, 

I am very sorry that this is going on and that you and your family have had to go through this. There definitely is a lot of great support and help here at our site, kindness and understanding too. I imagine you are feeling overwhelmed with information too, so be sure and take your time to digest and learn.

 
Wools

 

[Learning2Thrive]

  Babypenguin,

It’s been a little while since you first posted. How are you?

I hope you’re doing well and that you’ll come back and update us when you have a chance. We’re here to listen and support you through this.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T