I am in deep mental torment.

[In a bad way]

First of all let me apologise for not responding to people, I haven't posted for months. I read this board every day but sometimes feel it would be better for me not to post.
Strange things have happened but I feel if I give too much information someone will know who I am because it will be too obvious.
I've had a good summer, better than I ever imagined, the weather was brilliant and basically I just went to the pub every night, time went fast.
Now the weather is over I find myself slipping down but also I have heard news about my ex.
She will never leave my mind, not even after nearly 2.5 years, she has made a mess of things, things I tried to help her with but got nowhere and accused of trying to control her and worse.
Her life has got to s***.
I am sorry I cannot explain everything tonight but I am still trying to comprehend it all, especially after tonight.
I hope you can bear with me and I will explain.
I was lucky tonight and I saw a friend who I have spoken to before and it was a relief because my head was a mess, but it's not the same as telling everyone here because you have all been there.
I have two people to message tomorrow but I doubt they will understand, basically I shouldn't care what the mess she has made is but I do. Also there is more to this, I need time.

Thank you.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello In a bad way,

So sorry you are struggling.  As a community, we are listening whenever you are ready to tell more of your story.

Take care,

Mustbeabetterway

[Harley Quinn]

Hi bad way,

Looks like your title says it all.  As Mustbe says, we're here when you're ready to talk about this.  It's good that you talked to a friend.  Who else are you opening up to apart from those who you refer to as not likely understanding?  Having a support network is really important in your healing and also self care is crucial.  How would you describe your relationship with alcohol?

We're here for you.  This is a safe space to offload. 

Love and light x

[XSurvivorX]

In a bad way,

Take your time, mate.  The journey isn't always easy and the path isn't always clear. I know how the mind can torture us - even how our former partners can when they aren't even still here. I would say keep reading, keep feeling, and when you're ready share what you're comfortable with. I'll ask three questions, which are more rhetorical than necessarily needing a direct answer:

- Is she still involved in your live via your friends and other relations (somewhere on the outer fringes)?
- Does this chaos directly affect or impact you, or those closest to you?
- Do you feel some level of responsibility in clearing / cleaning it (help/rescuing)? If so, is it for your benefit, or for hers, and why?

I'm on a roll, so I'll ask a question a mentor of mine always aks me when I am talking through some work stuff with him.  And I quote, "to what end? and for what purpose?"   So, I guess as it applies here, the final question is:

- Based on how you answered the former three, is this in your best interests?

Take care, be well and wishing you the very best -

[In a bad way]

Thanks for the replies.
Not sure how to get this down but I will try.
Over 6 months ago I was asked by a friend if I had ever seen anything of her and I said no, then I was told she wasn't doing well, drinking heavily which was no surprise as she always did, but it was making her ill and lost a really large amount of weight and she was only small to begin with.
Then a few months later she came into a place with her sister where I go as often as I can, (she had not been in for 2 years).
I normally would have been there at that time every week but that day I was late and missed her, I was shocked that she went in because I am the last person she would want to see and to go to the one place where she knew there was a 99% chance of seeing me didn't make sense.
Now I see her sister in there once or twice a month on a Saturday night and for 2 years we never spoke to each other but I asked her how she was doing (my ex) and she said great. Now I knew that was a lie, but then it was a month or so later when she came in. Every now and then I say hello to her sister even though I know she hates me, her sister says hello back but never speaks first.
Any way I carried on as usual spending all day on that day every week as I had been doing and she never came back in. Then one night not long ago I saw one of her ex friends who is actually a friend of mine and she told me some pretty shocking news about my ex and how things have really gone south for her.
A few days later I went in on one of my other normal days and was told she had just been in again with her sister, now again any other week I would have been there already but I was running late and missed them by five minutes.
She knows I go in on those days, I cannot figure out how her sister talked her into going in, I know my ex, I know that her sister suggesting it would have been met with a flat refusal on the grounds I might be there.
Now here's the thing which my friends won't get because they don't understand the BPD thing, why after 2.5 years suddenly go in to the one place there is a chance of seeing the one person in the world she hates?
Especially on days I would probably be there, is she doing it on purpose because she knows I might be there, especially seeing as she has so many problems and I was her rock?
Is it as my friend said maybe she thinks after all this time it doesn't matter? I don't think so knowing her as she doesn't think like that.
Then again if she is trying to bump into me why leave it months between visits? Maybe she has been in on nights/days when I've not been there and nobody told me.
Why not go in on the Saturday when it is 100% I will be there, or would that be too obvious? Does she want it to seem accidental and Saturday wouldn't be?
Now to how I feel, I feel sad hearing what has happened to her but also I have a voice that says serves her right it's mostly her own fault depending on how you look at it.
I'm looking at it as sods law that I have missed her by minutes on days when I would normally have been there earlier. I can't decide if it's bad luck or good luck but it's frustrating.
Also I would like to be already there when she walks in to see the look on her face and if she turns straight round and walks out.
I don't know if I want to see her but also if she is going to start going in more often it would be best to get it over with and to be honest I'm a bit pissed off I just missed her by minutes the last time.
The other thing is I was doing well, I had my life more or less back to how it was before her and that took a lot of time, so I don't want her on the scene opening old wounds but old wounds have been ripped open by what I have tried to explain and I've not felt this bad for a while.
Her going in there doesn't make sense, yes we met in there but she only came in now and then on the Saturday night, I am a four or five day a week person and involved in things there and pretty much well liked.
 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi in a bad way,  it seems that you are upset that she is visitng your regular hangout.  Is that correct? 

If you and she continue to visit the same place, odds are you will eventually run into one another.  Maybe you should mentally prepare for this, if and when it does happen.  What would you like to see happen?  How will you handle seeing her? 

Mustbeabetterway

[Mutt]

Hi In a bad way,

I can relate with the confusion and mixed feelings. I also agree that it doesn’t make sense, I think that we have to seperate ourselves from the disorder. Now I’m not saying a pwBPD are defined by their disorder it’s the opposite depersonalize the behaviours.

The ego of a pwBPD has protective mechanisms and during times of distress it will trigger these mechanisms and protect itself and splitting someone black that you care about is one way that the ego protects itself.

BPD is defined by a few criteria but one I of them is chaotic interpersknal relationships and having not spoken to someone for months and then slowly splitting that person white is hurtful and confusing but understand that it’s something that a pwBPD are going through it’s not personal to us.

I read confused thoughts in your post the ball is in your court what do you think that you’ll do? Do you have strong urges to rescue when you say that you used to be her rock?

[In a bad way]

Confused thoughts is an understatement, my head is spinning and my anxiety levels have shot up. I suffer badly with it anyway although not all days.
She could just very well ignore me or as I said walk straight back out if I was there first.
I feel in a state of limbo, I never thought she would ever go in there again but now my mind is racing.
I don't know how my brain will take seeing her, and it could be months yet I am on edge.
I think the sooner the better, that's why I'm gutted I missed her by minutes, it could have been over and done with instead of this limbo.
Also as I said I know her and she must have either been talked into it which would surprise me or she wants to bump into me, but for what reason?
I would rather she never goes back but I know now she will and it's freaking me out.
My lines of communication with her are blocked except for a couple of email addresses which she hardly ever checked and they might be blocked, not that I know what to say and she would probably see it as harassment, who knows with her.
I can't get my head around it because I was sure it would never happen.
As for rescuing her, no chance, I tried but it always got turned round on me then being a bad man.
I have read enough stories on here to know that even after years they can pop back up especially  when they are going through a crisis and realise you were good to and for them.
Also I do feel for her despite everything she put me through even the discard which was worse than everything else.
Her family were the cause of her problems when we were together and they are the cause of her latest mess, but I tried to help and told her it would get worse and I was right, although even I am shocked at the latest developments, but something she has done proves to me she will never learn.
TO me it's like a waiting game to see what will happen, but no I am not looking for a recycle, I want the stress of it to go away and that will only happen if I see her there.

[SerendipityChild]

Hello Inabadway... .I can totally relate with your experience with your ex. All the stuff they put us through after the break up without them even realizing it. The waiting game is very dangerous. Like trying to go bungee jumping again and not certain if the rope is strong enough to hold you or finally kill you.

[Mutt]

I don't know how my brain will take seeing her, and it could be months yet I am on edge.
I think the sooner the better, that's why I'm gutted I missed her by minutes, it could have been over and done with instead of this limbo.

Don't get too far ahead of yourself we don't know what's going to happen in the future focus on the present and I'd shift my attention off of her and focus on yourself.

I think that you might be worried that you're going to recycle her ( I know that you have no interest ) because you're not sure how you're going to handle it should the issue arise maybe. You don't have to worry about it if you have boundaries boundaries are there to protect you, if you're not interested in a recycle it won't happen.

As I mention earlier don't think too much about the future and focus on the present don't focus on what she's feeling, doing, thinking I would suggest to work on your anxiety to bring it to more manageable levels if you say that it gets in the way sometimes. There is no cure for anxiety it does serve a useful purpose of warning us of dangers but it's a problem if it doesn't turn off or goes off when there is no threat.

I''m not saying that you do this I'm saying that I did this, I'm familiar with anxiety because I've had it for most of my adult life there was a period where I would medicate myself with alcohol to feel better because the anxiety felt overwhelming. I didn't like doing that but I didn't know how to make myself feel better, I was ashamed to talk to a GP or nurse about anxiety.

Anyways, have you talked to a GP or MD about anxiety, if so have they given you coping skills?

[XSurvivorX]

In a bad way,

Well, some of the things you've laid out certainly are confusing and I can see why you're in a state of limbo and turmoil.  I admire your determination to want to see her again and get over that "hurdle." I hope I never see my ex again, but if I did I am at a point in my life and recovery that she would have no control over me; nothing she could say or do would draw me back in or allow me to revert back to how I was when we got together.  For you, I truly hope you also get to that same point, or one similar to it.

Folks here are right though, this sort of is BPD modus operandi.  It might be hard to hear, but there is a chance that any of the hurt or discontent she may have wrought in your relationship aren't even an afterthought for her.  It certainly meant a lot to you because you're still in such pain and confusion now.  But BPDs oftentimes can just completely drop those feelings and move on to the next thing that they can begin to manipulate and seek support from.  She could be in such a crisis that yes, she may feel a chance encounter with you might give her something she needs, so stay strong! You sound determined to not give her that satisfaction so, I am happy to hear that.

Trying to figure out the he said /she said of how or if she is randomly trying to bump into you will do your head in. I would stick with fact: you know she was there a few times. You know you've seen her sister there routinely.  End of knowns.  Trying to put together unknowns that are unnecessary is just just extra (and wasted) nervous energy on your part.

Be well!  I am seriously hoping good things for you in this outcome -