How has being the scapegoat affected you in positive and negative ways?

[zachira]

Those of us who grew up with caretakers with BPD and who post on this Board often write about being the scapegoat of the family. How did being scapegoated affect you, and how has the experience of being the scapegoat contribute to making you the kind of person you are today? Were you ever the golden child, and did that alternate with being the scapegoat? Do you think you have certain traits that made you more likely to be the scapegoat? Is there anybody that posts here that was exclusively the golden child and still is today?

[Notwendy]

I did't think this as a child, but I am grateful that I was/am the scapegoat.

Although my mother denied it, it was obvious that she preferred another sibling. Even family friends noticed it and mentioned it to me. Yet, she would say it was all sibling rivalry.

I understood later that her close relationship with him was a form of emotional incest.

We kids are all older and have had to deal with issues from being raised by a BPD mother, but from my perspective, GC is more enmeshed than I am, which makes it harder for him to separate emotionally. Even though he is an adult on his own, mother can call him up, and push all his buttons. She is both at her best with him and also at her worse. With me, there was not the same level of connection. I have better boundaries  with her.

[Learning2Thrive]

Those of us who grew up with caretakers with BPD and who post on this Board often write about being the scapegoat of the family. How did being scapegoated affect you, and how has the experience of being the scapegoat contribute to making you the kind of person you are today?

In so many ways, it has made my default frame of reference be that everything is my fault whenever anything goes wrong. I accept responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. There are both good and bad aspects of that.

Were you ever the golden child, and did that alternate with being the scapegoat?

Yep. Intermittent reinforcement keeps a kid (or dog) trying to hit the jackpot again... .always looking for that scrap of a treat or kind word.

Do you think you have certain traits that made you more likely to be the scapegoat?

Yep. At a certain point in the abuse, I tend to stand up for myself. Bullies, manipulators and people with personality disorders that are in positions of power (such as bosses/managers at work) like to make people who stand up (pointing out violations according to laws and union contracts) the scapegoat to keep the other sheep under control. This has been my experience in more than one employment situation.

L2T

[Harri]

I was mostly the scapegoat/split black but was also split white at times, enough to know it was no picnic to be the golden child. 

Being the scapegoat makes trust hard but it also makes me self sufficient and stubborn (in a good way).  Being bullied and painted black helped me learn to deal with more difficult people in a work setting.  I was called on to deal with the difficult ones.  But note I said work... .it was and still is not an advantage in my personal life.

Being the golden child led to distrust of others as well as I was being used, manipulated and emotionally blackmailed most of the time.  Being the golden child was more of a mind   I can't really think of a positive from it.  As hard as being the scapegoat or painted black child is/was, I think the golden child has it so much worse as the abuse is harder to identify and therefore, it is harder to work through it and heal.

I think the author of the book "Understanding the borderline Mother" says that the split black child is at higher risk of being BPD herself.  I am not expert but (!) I tend to disagree with that.  I think it is the golden/split white child who is at greater risk... .I am not a professional though, I just like to pretend I am   

[Star0009]

"In so many ways, it has made my default frame of reference be that everything is my fault whenever anything goes wrong. I accept responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. There are both good and bad aspects of that."

Yep me too. It is hard because I'm finally peeling myself away from my family and siblings who continue the abuse. I feel very alone and like I want to tell every single one of my family why they are wrong in abusing me or shunning me and all the abuse I suffered as a kid. I know reasoning will never work. It would be like the school kid who got bullied by everyone  standing up during lunch and asking everyone to be nice to him. It would only add more fuel to the fire. I know I have to walk away which leaves me basically starting my life with very few people from scratch at almost 40 but I know this is what I have to do but its hard to trust people. Friends I have gotten close with that were toxic and dropped me literally broke my heart to the point of destruction at times.It felt like a replay of my parents.  I have a hard time building myself up and learning to stand on my own feet even though I'm always there to help the underdog. The best thing it did for me is create a very strong moral code in me and make me a humble person. I will always stand against the crowd and do the right thing for someone else just not for myself yet.

I think I was chosen because my father got my Mom knocked up with me while married with another kid. My dad just replaced my older half brother's Mom with my Mom. His mom disappeared from his life for seven years and I was blamed by everyone by my dads encouragement to ruin his life by being born even though he had two more kids with my Mom. I was a girl and the oldest and he had women issues. I was always shy but also did what was told and the peacemaker and mother to my siblings. As I got older I did always stand up to what was wrong doing too to my parents and developed a strong moral code against their actions. On my Mom's side I was also used as the scapegoat because when she got pregnant with me my father was her much older shrink and hid her from her family with me for several years after I was born. Sometimes I feel like I should take my mom's abuse because my birth is the reason she is messed up. She sought a therapist for help as a young women and my father her doctor knocked her up. Ugh my story is too much. 

[yamada]

I grew up unable to take any criticism that I didnt take personally but I am so much better now.
 I grew up with out a base sense of logic or critical thinking which I am so much better at,
I grew up addicted to being of value and worth and I still have to manage that addiction.
I grew up begging o be recognised as something better than my continual "stuff ups
I grew up rebellious in the end.

I grew up knowing everything was my fault and therefore mine to fix... getting better at not being a rescue ranger

I grew up knowing that my mother conned my father into getting married because she was pregnant with me until I did the dates and it didnt makes sense. I realised she lied to dad and then blamed me... .
And I now know and accept my sister is the golden child and she has to be because to stuff up with two children looks bad. Whilst they can all join together and blame me they are safe from themselves...
So when there is a problem and they blame me I say yeah I am so used to that... .but the difference is unlike my golden child sister I can walk away because  I am going to be accused of rubbish no matter what I do so I do what I want.
then other thing is that they will try to crowd source  against me and at one stage I thought everyone knows... .now I am trying to tell my head its a trixk, whoever they tell I dont care and if anyone approaches me I will have it in the front of my head 'I am sorry they dragged you into this. It happens alot when they need someone to blame. Its not your problem." So far noone except the golden child has done it. And she is cut off too.

[Turkish]

Being the single child of a single mother I suppose I was cast on both roles given my mother's moods. I could never trust the message: was I good or was I bad?

I think I really intellectualized it when I was 14 or 15 when she said, "everyone thinks you are so great,  but I know the real Turkish!" An a-hole as she called me.  I still share a joke with my brother from another mother who heard that. 

I guess my BFAM'mom and my teachers were wrong about me according to what my mother said.  She did like to show up and take credit for raising me when I did well however.  Mixed messages.  The bad is that. 

The good is that I learned not to take unjustified criticism to heart. It took me until my 30s not to give a crap what others thought.  That was part of what attracted my ex to me.  But then I ended up with her and trying to please and soothe an empty person with her own severe wounds.  So back to the bad. 

Also the bad is that I don't take compliments well,  likely because I formed a defense mechanism not to believe what people said about me.  Digging deeper,  it was likely due to a sense of shame,  that I'm not good enough.  My mom shamed me; my ex shamed me. 

[isilme]

I was an only child of two disordered parents, isolated from any other family by distance and from having friends by the BPD taboo of no outsiders allowed into the family dysfunction. 

They waffled between adoration and contempt.  I was either the light of their lives, or the cause of all misery, and sometimes I was painted black by one only to be painted white by the other.  Triangulation and the Karpman Triangle were my norm.  I had felt privileged s a child to be included in so many "grown-up" parts of life, but now see it was wholly inappropriate, and like others stated emotional/covert incest.  Mothers should not talk to 8-year-old daughters about their sex lives, the topless club their dad goes to, etc.  Dad should not rent topless stripping contests from the video store and watch them openly as a family movie night.  I was told I was to be up and at school on my own, fear of physical punishment and later, withdrawal of affection kept me on the straight and narrow.  I could never be "good" enough to avoid all commentary, all hurt, but I did my best not to seek it out.  My biggest offense was hated of homework, I never did it until high school, and I decided to buckle down to get a scholarship, having been told no one would pay my way to college. 

Positive - I am a very self reliant individual who even when scared, is able to usually try to make something work, to dive in and figure out everything from taxes to wiring a ceiling fan.  I got that full-ride scholarship, into the National Honor Society, graduated with honors from high school. cum laude from college, and was the first woman on my dad's side, second on my moms to get a 4-year degree.  High school friends' parents knew sending their kids with me meant a night of following rules (mostly) and trusted me to get everyone home by curfew.  I think they knew I'd catch holy hell if I was late.  I try really hard to get along with everyone, knowing no one can be quite as bad as my parents, and I really don't want people to feel unhappy. 

Negative:  I am a very self reliant individual who is afraid to ask for help, can fall into pits of shame time to time when the critical voices come out and while I love him dearly, I found a man with BPD who complimented my personal dysfunctions, so I have BPD in my life, still, albeit to a lesser degree and I think we're overall doing much better than I ever saw my parents do.  I am childfree by choice because (party due to H's slowness in getting married but also due to his BPD) I am so scared to make all the old mistakes or all new ones.  My instincts are very feral?  I feel people don't try hard enough sometimes and then get ashamed for those thoughts.

[Turkish]

You should be proud of graduating with honors isilme. Those stew laudable accomplishments!

[Harri]

I feel people don't try hard enough sometimes and then get ashamed for those thoughts.

Thoughts, for the most part, just are.  I can imagine anyone punishing someone or shaming someone for a thought they may have.  My mother did that all the time. 

Isilme, thoughts just are ... .well, unless you are planning mass murder or something, then yes, be concerned.  I don't think you are talking about those kinds of thoughts though.

[isilme]

I don't think you are talking about those kinds of thoughts though.

No - I fear I'd have too high of an expectation for any kids I'd raise.  I worry I'd not understand when they need help genuinely, and my "meter stick" for reasonable help versus reasonable expectations for teaching a healthy amount of age-appropriate independence for children are certainly not set right. 

I'd think I'd either err on the side of being too enabling, based on my codependent needs to provide for others, to "make them happy", or at least keep them safe and comfortable, or I'd err too far in the other direction, thinking, "I learned it by myself, so can they."  Or maybe even worse, a weird, inconsistent mix of the two. 

I would get impatient with high school classmates, or friends in college, who still expected and relied on parents for things, like laundry, cooking dinner, who'd want me to understand how hard things are when Mom forgets to wash your favorite jeans.  I was parentilized, and I think they were a little infantilized. 

I guess one more thing that goes back to the OP, I do feel that compared to the worst my parents were able to dish out, most insults, barbs, and other negative things anyone can say can't really compare.  H can get close, but only him.  So when people are rude, mean, whatever, I might feel initially upset, I might gripe a bit if it's a constant issue (like with a coworker) but overall, it's not going to weigh on my mind.  Nothing a rude coworker can say will ever compare to what a BPD mother/BPD father can say to strip you bare. 

[Learning2Thrive]

... . 

I would get impatient with high school classmates, or friends in college, who still expected and relied on parents for things, like laundry, cooking dinner, who'd want me to understand how hard things are when Mom forgets to wash your favorite jeans.  I was parentilized, and I think they were a little infantilized. 

I super duper identify with this, isilme. 

I guess one more thing that goes back to the OP, I do feel that compared to the worst my parents were able to dish out, most insults, barbs, and other negative things anyone can say can't really compare.  H can get close, but only him.  So when people are rude, mean, whatever, I might feel initially upset, I might gripe a bit if it's a constant issue (like with a coworker) but overall, it's not going to weigh on my mind.  Nothing a rude coworker can say will ever compare to what a BPD mother/BPD father can say to strip you bare. 

Yes, can identify with this as well. The only thing that hurts me worse or affects me more viscerally is invalidation or disbelief when I report a situation (even unrelated to my past or me personally, as in a work report). How does disbelief/invalidation affect you?

  L2T

[zachira]

Everyone who has replied was a scapegoat and some at times were the golden child. All expressed strengths that made them the scapegoat. There has been nobody who has replied who was exclusively the golden child. I am wondering if golden children are apt to be more impaired than the scapegoat, in particular in regards to having a tendency towards NPD. My sister is the golden child and on paper appears to be the success story: married, children, rich, brilliant, great career, etc., I on the other hand have none of these things, yet it is my sister who is terribly jealous of me. She gets furious if anybody pays the slightest bit of attention to me, and is always talking badly about me behind my back. She is terribly immature. I have had to pay my dues in life because nobody ever worshiped me, and have had to learn to get along with others. It seems that being the golden child only builds insecurity and an inability for self awareness. The scapegoat stands up to the mistreatment by parents, and later is often a strong advocate for injustice. Can we scapegoats take pride in who we are today and how we have overcome so much?

[naturalturn]

I am not very familiar with the character-types (if that's what you would call them?) that live within the BPD world. However, I think I was (maybe still am) the golden child/split white.

Growing up, I got a lot of pat-on-the-backs, I was told I was doing well often etc. I lived my life to please my mother and father and sacrificed fun kid/teen things and a lot of happiness to do so. I was willing to do anything to make my mother, in particular, satisfied.

The expectations for the "Golden Child" were always moving and once I would achieve one thing, there was another expectation for me to meet. Additionally, my uBPD mother has always been extremely, inexplicably sensitive to EVERYTHING. So, when I did something or acted in a way that did not go along with her idea of the perfect child (even though I never intentionally tried to), she FREAKED out, raged, accused me of things that weren't true, said I was out to get her, threatened to never speak to me again, etc.
I would say anything I had to in order to appease her and apologized until I was blue in the face, just dying to have her like me again. This created a vicious cycle. She always made me feel like I couldn't live or do or be anything without her.

Her rages made me terrified of not meeting the ever-growing, ever-impossible expectations.

My brother has been ignored by my mother for a while. He's not "cool" enough for her I guess. She also hated that he didn't care if he met all of her impossible expectations or not. Sometimes, I wish I was like him. My father has always been the scapegoat/split black. Sometimes I wish I was in his position only because he seems not to be emotionally enmeshed or even care whether she is nice to him or not. I, on the other hand, always have had guilt, shame, and anxiety surrounding making my mother happy.

No position is easy though when dealing with somebody with BPD.

[Learning2Thrive]

Skip shared an article link on another thread that touches on skapegoating earlier today. I had not seen this article before and found it a fascinating read.

While it references a biblical story, the information in the article is not religious in content or context. 

Have you read this zachira?
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174

Any thoughts?

L2T

[isilme]

invalidation or disbelief when I report a situation (even unrelated to my past or me personally, as in a work report). How does disbelief/invalidation affect you?

Hmmm.  I'm not sure.  I know I have people who can't put their impression about me based on my appearance into the little box of their preconceived ideas about people who "look like me" (I am white, I am in an area which predominantly is not, and the idea a white girl could ever have been poor, homeless, or struggled and not been helped by mythical rich family does not fit what seems to be an expectation).  

Work issues - I've never had people not believe me.  They just won't take action if my old boss' daughter is causing me grief.  Or his wife.  (yeah, he hired them both  :wee

I tend to not report things about interactions with myself.  I somehow muddled into middle management, and so I take my own employees complaints up the line, when people are rude, treat them badly, and tell MY boss, and he's the kind of person who can usually sort that out and get the other person to be civil.  He does not brook with disrepspect for people simply doing their jobs.

she make her peace with leaving behind the family that fails her so completely. And if she is strong and well-supported with friends, she may be able to do this. She will pay a lifelong price for sins she did not commit, however, because it is difficult and painful to extract oneself from one’s family. It is counter to the most basic of human needs for home, shelter, affiliation. It is a cruel and inexcusable undertaking for a family to scapegoat a member.

This.  This is me.    I've not seen it written out like this.  I don't know about strong, or healthy in any way, but yes.  I am NC because it was needed.  And I will always pay the price for it, but the price was lower than the cost of staying in contact.

Here's a question.  So, I believe I was rather more often the Golden Child (only child, but whatevs) as a small child, under the age of 7.  I got in trouble, big, horrible trouble at times, and was subject to rages I remember back to the age of 2 (only time we lived in a  trailer, I know I'm not supposed to remember age two, but I do, we moved by age three).  I'm not sure if I was just more malleable, or had less of a clue what was wrong in the house, but it's like those days, even if Dad was scary, were sunlit.

As I got older, developed my own personality (sin right there), my own wants, likes, desires, the blacker I got painted.  My individuality was an invalidation, and therefore punishable forever.  

Maybe it's because I did not have siblings to bounce preferences off of, or pit against me, but does anyone see a pattern with age, puberty, teen years being more likely to result in being a scapegoat or painted black more often?

[Harri]

I just lost a longer reply... .Oh well.

but does anyone see a pattern with age, puberty, teen years being more likely to result in being a scapegoat or painted black more often?

I did not see that.  What was different was my mothers behaviors became more aggressive and more violent towards my brother and I as we got older (though i would not say we were physically abused really).   The mind games and boundary busting and blackmailing continued though.  I think my brother was split black more when he was just a little guy and it got really bad for me when I hit age 6 or 7. 

[isilme]

What was different was my mothers behaviors became more aggressive and more violent towards my brother and I as we got older (though i would not say we were physically abused really)

Mine was a bit the reverse.  I think someone somewhere reported my dad.  I know I spent time in a waiting room while he and mom spoke to "a special doctor".  I think the Army or someone reported bruises on me, my weird behavior at school, or maybe even some of the odd injuries my mom would end up with, but she rarely left the house and had few friends who'd be close enough to notice.  They never called me in.  I can even remember how the psych's name was pronounced, heck if I could spell it tho. 

So, the outright beating declined the older I got, but the mind games from both incerased.  My dad was scary because while he could lose control, I think overall he knew how to be meanwhile just under the radar. 

I also can't tell if the treatment of me declined as their marriage became more and more rocky, and if that was due to age, job changes, or what. 

I think being an only child with no siblings made the situation different than what others with siblings faced in some ways.  Like, the number of people might somewhat dilute the crazy dosage overall, but at the same time, they add to the family dynamic.    My experience was probably like freebasing on BPD, while those with siblings simply had lots of "pushers" from all angles to manage.

[JNChell]

Hello, zachira. In response to your thread title, at this point in time, it feels like the negative outweighs the positive so I’ll start there.

One negative aspect is being robbed of a loving and safe childhood. I’m currently very angry about that. I’m also very sad for the little boy that had to endure so much pain and live in fear. I was adopted and this adds a great deal more to my confusion. I relate to a senior member with this. This part of the dynamic still baffles me.

Another is that I’m just now beginning to get a real grasp on my situation. I’m turning 42 next month and I’m afraid that my best days are behind me now and that that I’ve squandered them within the realms of toxic relationships and having a hard time focusing on my own direction. My parents were terrible role models. I was taught nothing positive about life from them.

Also, I’ve carried an anxiety disorder (CPTSD) with me since I was very young. This was clinically diagnosed just a few months ago. I’ve learned that my self esteem is in the gutter and that I’ve been having emotional flashbacks for quite some time. Some of them were very severe. I almost didn’t survive the relationship with S3’s mother. I would say that I “hit my bottom” while trying to keep that relationship together.

Ok. Enough of that. Let’s hit on the positives.

One that has been pointed out to me by my sister is that I’m resilient. I can agree with her on this upon reflection, but my resiliency is either worn out, or it needs a very long vacation. I’ve bounced back from a lot over the years, but as I stated in the “negatives”, I feel like I hit my bottom. Perhaps resiliency has viscosity that can break down over time. I imagine that resiliency doesn’t have to be tapped into quite as much in a healthier individual than myself.

Another possible positive of being picked as the scapegoat is that it may have been because my abusers sensed that I was strong. Learning2Thrive gave Cromwell and I a great link to an article about being the scapegoat on another thread. I’ll post it at the end of this post.

Since joining this support group and finally connecting with a proper therapist, a trauma specialist, I’m finally connecting the dots and it’s happening fairly quick now. I’m happy about this.

Being the scapegoat has ultimately led me to a wealth of knowledge about the human condition and how it’s affected under certain circumstances which has allowed me to understand what empathy truly is and how vital it is amongst society. I’m still a fledgling on this, but I understand it so far. I’ve only recently come out of the FOG from my relationship with S3’s mother, and information is starting to compute a little better.

This has been long winded enough and I’ve expressed some of the pluses and minuses of being the scapegoat child. Great topic, zachira!

Here’s the link to the article. Thanks, L2T.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174