I really messed up. I don't know what to do.

[msardri]

Hello again.

I need to get this off my chest.

Backstory details that you may need to know:

1. Two days ago I found a marriage counselor who knows BPD well and does DBT. I made an appointment for next Thursday. I did this because I have been trying to talk about some serious stuff with my husband, who is a pwBPD. For weeks (months/years, but specifically the last few weeks) I've been trying to talk to him about my needs--which is what my therapist has been telling me to do. I've approached him calmly, etc. He can't seem to hear what I'm saying. When he repeats it back to me, it's all reframed and focused on breaking up, which isn't really what I'm talking about at all. I want to be able to talk to him in front of someone else and see if he can hear what I'm really saying.

2. Three weeks ago, he went to see the doctor without telling me and cut his depression meds in half. He told me afterward and I was concerned. He just started a really stressful job, and his worst depression season is coming. He is usually really bad in autumn. This concerned me for a bunch of reasons. We had agreed that when it comes to his MIs, he would talk to me and make sure he was "right" in his thinking re: meds, etc. We didn't argue over it, and I took a few days to figure out how to tell him I was concerned. When I told him, he blew me off. Since then, the depression is obvious. I haven't been able to be as kind as I wished I would be about it. I chose instead to blow it off, too. In fact, I guess I think this is where I started messing up. I feel I should have been caring about it. But I also feel so alone because he is not caring toward me at all. Like--not even when I have to go to the oncologist and get a bone marrow biopsy--he doesn't act lovingly toward me. He doesn't ask me if I'm okay. He doesn't ask me anything, really, so I guess if I was to tell you where I started messing up, it was when I felt so alone that I stopped having compassion for him when he was clearly not doing well? Something like that.

3. For the last four months, he has more than ten times told me that he does not have BPD. He has completed a DBT course, does not meditate or journal. It's as if he never believed his diagnosis. He still sees his DBT therapist, and has told me that he is working on the PTSD he has because she said he has that more than BPD. He doesn't tell me much more than that. And these denials of having the problem have been super hard for me because this was his excuse/reasoning for abusing me for 26 years. But then after a while, he'd say that yes, he has BPD. And then yesterday he said that he knows he has it and he needs to journal and meditate more--that this would help him. So this has been going back and forth for a few months.

4. I have to quit smoking. My health hasn't been great. He knows I have to quit and I spent all weekend reading a really powerful book about it. The book made me feel like I was in a conversation (between the author and me) with a genuine adult. It made me see how normal people operate. It was all so darn logical and I loved it. I felt I could easily quit smoking and yep--yesterday was my day.

So, yesterday I woke up and went to work and I was really strong about the smoking and it was good. But my brain would NOT stop thinking about the problem I've been trying to talk to him about for weeks. My needs/stuff that's missing/stuff I really would like to change in our relationship. And instead of waiting to talk about it later or something more sane and calm, I just lost my mind. Like--my brain went all over the place. I was so scared and unhappy and I felt like I was doomed. I texted him a screenshot of some stuff I was reading that related to the problem he won't talk about. As the day went on, I felt more and more like I was losing my mind. And then, he called me and I was so scared and I think that's the thing. I'm scared and when I'm scared, I get angry because I'm so tired of all this. I get into that mode where I can't see us ever being good. I can't see anything working out. I can't see how 26 years of abuse is going to just suddenly go away. I don't know. I lost it. That's what I know. And I asked him to talk a while before he came home because I just wanted to feel safe.

My kids came home from school--I did the usual running around with them to get them to their things. In between we were texting. I made the kids dinner. And when he came home, I was terrified. I have no idea why. I just know he's been falling into this depression hole and it scares me very much. I was really terrified.

So I wanted to talk to him and I tried and I don't know even what I said anymore. It wasn't calm, that's for sure. It was like I was him and he was me and I was the one with the BPD reactions. What caused me the most distress was that he started saying all these absolutes and lies in front of the kids. And the kids had to hear all this stuff--the usual stuff about how everything is my fault. I try to never argue in front of the kids. Ever. But he was doing this with them in the room. And he was saying very black and white stuff and i could not just allow him to say it and remain calm. I argued with everything he said. Just blanket things, like "I never said that!" and stuff like that. I should have just ignored him, I guess. I couldn't believe he was dragging the kids into it in such a physical way. The kids started to cry. My teenager stood up and yelled at me that everything was all my fault and I just nodded and said that that must feel awful. After a while, I was so shocked by some of the things he was saying that I had to walk away. I went for a walk and tried to clear my head. In the meantime, my teenager called my sister and asked her to come pick her and her sister up. They went with my sister. Then, once they went, he told me everything that's wrong with our marriage is my fault, he doesn't have BPD, I'm the crazy one, and wouldn't sit and talk about anything concrete. He then went to my sister's house as well.

I sat there and realized that we should probably just end this now and get divorced. But I also realized that this was totally me. You guys, I swear I caught BPD from him! I have read about that here on the site and I understand it. And I know not to do the things I did last night.

Here's my present problem: I want to apologize to everyone. I want to apologize to the kids, to my sister, and eventually, to him. But when I apologize or admit that I have messed up, he gets super cocky and acts as if I'm responsible for the whole 25 years. And I really can't deal with that right now. I just want to apologize and have someone hug me and say it's okay. But he doesn't hug me. Or touch me. Or anything like that--which is the exact problem I've been trying to talk about. He's just always angry. Always. And he recognizes that one day, but forgets it the next or denies it the next, and so I guess I'm afraid that if I apologize and own what I did yesterday, it will just feel so empty and pointless because this whole cycle will happen all over again and there is no forgiveness in him because he's always trying to be 100% innocent.

Which brings me to: I am having a lot of trouble with the idea that I must be this man's caretaker for the rest of our lives together. I've read here what it takes to be the spouse of a pwPBD and I don't think I'm up for it. I have a lot of lasting trauma from all those years he raged and had no explanation for it. He's never apologized for those things in any sort of meaningful way. (And he repeats the behavior constantly.) I think yesterday was me realizing that my needs will not be met in this relationship, AND I have to also meet all his needs as a pwBPD. This was essentially why I got the therapy appointment.

But then yesterday I was a mess and here I am today, feeling like such a jerk. Because I was a jerk.
I really just want him to be able to show love and stop being angry all the time.
I didn't try to talk to him on any work days, really, since he started the new job and I had some (what I thought were/and he agreed at the time) great conversations with him on the weekends but we didn't really get anywhere with them. But I was really proud of myself for being calm and cool and adult while bringing those things up.

I have no idea what happened to me yesterday. I do not want to make excuses for it but I do want to explore my feelings and figure out why I reacted the way I did.

I messed up. Big time. But I don't understand why when I mess up once, it's a huge deal and yet when he messes up 100 times, I'm supposed to be fine with that as if it's normal.

I just feel nothing is going to be okay now. I'm even afraid to apologize to my kids. I was trying to keep the argument away from them and he literally sat them on the couch while he yelled at me. And I don't think he's going to ever own that. And my kids now believe whatever he told them last night. And as an adult, I can deal with that. Kids grow up and their minds grow and they can see stuff. But for right now, I am so afraid they're going to reject me and say I'm the problem.

I don't know, you guys.

I'm trying. I read a lot here. He's not researching or doing any stuff to move this forward. And I just don't see what to do anymore.

And I really have to quit smoking now.
And I feel very weak willed about that because it's hard and I just need a safe space for a few weeks to be able to ride that out. And I need to be able to 100% in touch with my adult self in order to do that. And I don't feel I can be an adult when he's in my life. Because if we're living together, he refuses to meet any of my needs--not even a kind word. And I feel like I am living with a kid. And then I feel like a kid. It's so weird.

Thanks for listening.

msardri

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[Woodchuck]

msardri,
I can empathize with how you feel.  I have come to the same realization about being 'required' to meet my W's needs and never or very rarely having mine met and that being the norm for the rest of the time we are together.  I don't know that I can deal with that either.  I believe I am a strong person but I think that may just be asking too much. 
Don't get down on yourself too much.  None of us are perfect.  The important thing is recognizing when we fail and moving and attempting to make ourselves better from our mistakes.  I think that the feeling like you have to apologize is quite normal.  From my experience, continuing to apologize for things does not really do any good.  In fact, at least for me, it just creates resentment because I keep apologizing and nothing changes.  I am told that I am not really sorry etc.  Like you, there are almost never any apologies that are offered from my spouse.  Everything that she does is justified.  This really makes the playing field uneven and it takes a lot of skill to keep 'playing' without getting overwhelmed. 
I think the biggest thing to do is to focus on you and what you need to take care of yourself.  This is what I have realized over the last several months.  It is not easy but realizing that and working towards it does help.  Hang in there and don't give up.

WC

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear friend-
I am so so sorry... .please try not to be so hard on yourself.  On top of being subjected to abuse for so many years and placing such high standards on yourself, you, my friend are going through nicotine withdrawal-pure and simple.

The anxiety leading up to and in the early days of quitting smoking, along with the actual physical withdrawal from cigs is ENORMOUS!  And this is what you can explain in your apology to your children.  And it’s true, not an excuse and not a lie.

So please take it easy on yourself.  You did NOT “catch” BPD.

Wishing you strength in your journey against nicotine (as my pack lies near me).  I haven’t found my “reason” to quit yet.

With love and a real big hug for you,
Gemsforeyes

[msardri]

Dear friend-
I am so so sorry... .please try not to be so hard on yourself.  On top of being subjected to abuse for so many years and placing such high standards on yourself, you, my friend are going through nicotine withdrawal-pure and simple.

The anxiety leading up to and in the early days of quitting smoking, along with the actual physical withdrawal from cigs is ENORMOUS!  And this is what you can explain in your apology to your children.  And it’s true, not an excuse and not a lie.

So please take it easy on yourself.  You did NOT “catch” BPD.

Wishing you strength in your journey against nicotine (as my pack lies near me).  I haven’t found my “reason” to quit yet.

With love and a real big hug for you,
Gemsforeyes

A day later, many apologies later, and my kid yelling at me for 2 hours, saying really awful stuff (Dad has never been the problem--you're the problem, you're the reason I am so messed up, etc. usual teenage stuff) I have to say: thank all gods for my therapy appointment last night.

But I never mentioned the nicotine. Because anything I said was wrong anyway, so I listened. My sister was far worse, airing things in front of the kids that should have never been aired in front of kids. Funny how I attract controlling, boundary-free people. Universe, I have taken note.

Things with the husband ended up pretty okay once all was said and done. He was able to be loving and set himself aside and helped me. This was more than a relief.

Bottom line: I figured out why I've been terrified lately. That's the biggest win here. I think I end up being a caretaker so much that I forgot how to take care of myself. I just take it all on. Again, Universe, I have taken note.

Thank you so much, both of you, for your replies. I am taking today slowly and trying to figure out what a family--my family--looks like. My husband and I have circled the wagons.

msardri