He threatened me. Physically intimidating body language and tone of voice

[I Am Redeemed]

WW,

Sorry I just saw your question about the contact with s2. Cps closed the case without any restrictions, according to their file. The worker who did our paperwork was in training and she was the one who was adamant about me not allowing contact until a drug screen was passed. The family court attorney told me that at this point I have physical custody of s2 and visitation is at my sole discretion. There is no order, but I wish there was so I would have something to fall back on as a guideline because now he asks me to let him see s2 every free chance I get, which isn't much. I have little time when I am not working or watching my co-workers kids and I don't want to spend it at his hotel room for visiting purposes. I wish we had something else worked out where I did not have to be in that position, because I am subjected to his emotionally manipulating tactics for reconciliation and he always tries to initiate physical affection that makes me uncomfortable. He wants me to hold hands, kiss him, hug him, sit next to him and he tries to tell me that s2 wants us together and that s2 needs to see us being affectionate. It doesn't matter to him if that makes me uncomfortable. He thinks that I should do it because it's a sign to him that I love him and he has always needed constant reassurance of that. Though it was never enough, not anything I ever did.

He simply wants the reconciliation and forgiveness and is upset because I have not returned, nor given him a list of things to do that he can check off so he can come back.

Thanks again for your support,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

It's unnerving how he can switch from menacing to friendly and you're uncomfortable and cautious about being around him alone. It's too reminiscent of what you experienced in the past, when you were physically trapped in the same house with him.

He's suggested that you go by his motel room while he's at work--would that be to pick up the title to your van? Presumably he won't be there since he works late today, but you're not sure if you trust that he's telling you the truth.

Though there is apparently no legal restriction keeping him away from your s2, you would prefer otherwise, since he's so needy about wanting you to spend all your time visiting with him at his hotel room. This is becoming increasingly awkward as he's trying to manipulate you to reconcile and he is giving you unwanted affection.

Knowing that these requests will continue, what are you planning on doing so that you needn't be alone with your son with him?

[formflier]

Keep focusing on getting back to "center"... caring for the kids.  You can figure out what YOU want to do about visitation in a few days.  Take things a day at the time.

You are thinking through the title... .keep it up. 

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat, yes that would be to pick up the title to the van.

Example of things that confuse and unnerve me:
Phone conversation today about the title, I was not sure if I would have time to get it from the hotel room (also iffy about it) and he said he could have someone drive him by my work and put it in the van for me. I told him I wasn't going to ask that due to the protection order, I know he's not allowed at my work. He said if he wanted to he would go right into my work and hand me the title, because there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing except he's prohibited by a court order from coming there. Nothing definite was settled.

At work, he texted and said he came by but didn't see the van. Said don't ask him to do something if I'm not going to be there, he doesn't have a car.

Now, I never asked him to do that, in fact I said exactly the opposite.

Now he sent text that says he didn't see the van so it must not be in my usual spot.

How would he know that I didn't park in my usual spot.

Said he talked to his mother and he sure would like to go see her and his baby great nephew that she has.

I am sure that was a hint. I have not responded.

I don't know what to do about the pressures he is putting on me. I need a plan because the more I back away, I believe the more aggressive and vindictive he will get. I've seen it before.

Suggestions? I have got to set some pretty big boundaries here.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

I guess the first thing to do is to get clear with exactly what you want, and what you don't want. Maybe you could write a list here and we can help you work on boundaries.

[RolandOfEld]

Redeemed, as I read your latest updates and deeply frustrated I can't offer any help besides words.

Seconding Cat that if there was a second chance on the table, he has given it up. It does not sound as though you can safely engage with him. 

I strongly suggest you rally everyone you can to your side, friends, family, counselors, employers, church members. Notify them of the situation and your fears about possible violence ahead of time.

Praying for you and please keep us as up to date on developments as you can.

~Roland

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, am I understanding correctly that when he visits with S2 you are there, and it's just the three of you, and in his motel room?  I was getting the feeling from your description that the situation places an unreasonable amount of pressure on you.  Facing that pressure on a regular basis is not sustainable.  Is there some other trusted person who can help with visitation?

RC

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you ROE, good to hear from you! Your support means so much. I have told certain people about what happened the other night. However, few people knew that I was even having contact with him in person, because lots of people (my family in particular) do not understand why I even speak to him at all after the things he has done.

WW, yes, that is the visitation situation. I haven't come up with an alternative other than s2 visiting alone. I have been bringing my laptop and doing homework while they visit. But you're right, I am under pressure every time I go over there to resume the relationship as if nothing had happened. He tries every time to get me to engage in physical affection. Sometimes he will just sit directly in front of me on the bed and stare at me in a longing way. Then he says he misses me. This is extremely uncomfortable. I know he misses me. There's nothing I can do about his feelings. But he thinks there is. He wants me to stop his emotional pain.

This is part of what makes setting boundaries so hard. Without an alternative for visitation, I am facing the choice of continuing to be in an uncomfortable and potentially unsafe situation, or leaving s2 with him alone, or telling him that we can only meet at a public place which would be a restaurant probably. That's how I have to visit my kids, and I have never liked that because I don't get to play with them or really talk to them. If I proposed this visitation scenario to him he will most likely dysregulate and accuse me of being like my sister. He has done that before, and has assaulted me several times when making that accusation against me.

This is tough. Back to walking on eggshells and trying to determine what will set him off. That's not where I want my focus. How do I get back to focusing on what is best for s2 and me and staying safe. I keep thinking about how to keep him pacified while maintaining distance, and then I get angry because I don't have to pacify him. I want to break these thought patterns that keep me feeling defeated and stuck.

Redeemed

[toomanydogs]

Redeemed,
 I echo Roland of Ed: I wish I had something more to offer than my words. I read your post and am terrified for you.
 I also echo those who have advised finding a DV shelter--not even that you'd have to stay at the shelter but that there are frequently volunteers who can help develop strategies to keep you and your son safe.
 Where I live there is an excellent shelter. One of the volunteers offered to go with me if I needed to meet up with my STBX for anything.
  I am really relieved you continue to post because then I know you're safe. Again I wish I had something more concrete to offer, like come stay with me. We'll be safe together.
  Know that I'm thinking of you, praying for you.
 
TMD

[Cat Familiar]

What about meeting in a public park, a library--certainly there must be a public place in your area that could be suitable for a visit? After what has happened, it seems like you'd be exposing yourself to a high level of risk should you go to his motel room again.

[Harri]

This thread has been locked as it has reached the post limit.  Please see PART 2 here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329199.0