How to cope when your primary family triggers you?

[Libra]

Hello,

This question originates from 2 different experiences I've had in the past month.
They are rather long stories... .sorry... .

1. During our holidays, my DH had another very painful hernia-like episode in the middle of the night. I know from past experience that I can stay very calm during serious health issues. I can turn down my emotions and function well and practically.  After giving DH some painkillers, putting him in the best position possible and leaving him alone for the meds to start to work, we had a whispered chat on the bed about something that was on my mind. As always, he took the upbeat positive approach, whilst I was the more pessimistic (I would call it realistic) one. This is classical in many of our conversations. All of a sudden he lashed out and said: 'I am so sick and tired of you always taking the most negative side of things. Why can't you just be positive for once.' I know he was still in great pain and distress, and I know this is a trait of mine that annoys him sometimes. But there and then, it felt like a slap in the face and a punch in the gut. I got up, told him he did not have to take out his frustration and pain on me, and went outside. I sat outside for more than 3 hours, quietly crying to myself, as if the whole world had come crashing down around me. The next day DH knew something was wrong, though he didn't know what. He gave me space and time (thank god). It took me a whole week to master up enough courage to talk to him openly. He responded like his beautiful self: he apologized, hugged me, and told me he had not realized how hurtful his words had been and he would never hurt me intentionally.
So now, the question I am left with is this: WHY did I feel so alone and so truly, deeply HURT, down to the core? I had no control over this desperate feeling, and this has still left me rattled. Mentally I knew he did not mean to lash out. Why could I not translate this emotionally? How can I manage this better the next time?

2.  This is not a specific incident, but rather an insight I have gotten about my interactions with D9. As stated in earlier threads, she has a sweet, very intuitive and giving nature.  But she can get very stuck in - mostly negative - emotions. She also translates everything into it being her responsibility or fault, and she can harp incessantly over any and every little pain or discomfort. This is very difficult for me: I see so many traits my mother has, coming back to haunt me.  I feel as if I'm back in the relationship with my mother, trying to assuage her negative feelings and to reassure her that it is not her fault. I tend to get defensive. I have tried validating and letting D9 express her feelings by simply listening, but she stays stuck and I keep feeling as if something is needed from me. Something I cannot give. As D9 is struggling a lot with negative emotions at the moment, this is really affecting our interactions. Is she asking for attention? Is she really struggling? How can I discern this? Can I help her learn to get unstuck, or does she have to find her own way?  I am soo frightened of passing on the wrong messages, it freezes me up. Does anyone else struggle with these emotions towards their children? What skills do you use to differentiate your feelings from the past from what is going on in the present?

Thank you for reading, any advice would be much appreciated,
Libra.

[Learning2Thrive]

Libra,

I want to send a more detailed reply, but just coming off some crazy shift work and severe lack of sleep, so that will have to wait until I rest up.

In the meantime, I want to tell you that you are not alone. I’ve experienced very similar situations to both your examples. It’s so difficult sou.

More soon. Sending you love and gentle hugs,

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

  Libra,

So now, the question I am left with is this: WHY did I feel so alone and so truly, deeply HURT, down to the core? I had no control over this desperate feeling, and this has still left me rattled. Mentally I knew he did not mean to lash out. Why could I not translate this emotionally? How can I manage this better the next time?

This sounds like you were triggered and experienced an emotional flashback. If you’re interested, here’s a great article:
www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

And lots more related material: www.pete-walker.com/

Have I mentioned I ride my bike a LOT? Also, coming here and practicing tools like using wisemind:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

What do you think? Does that sound like something you could try?

2.  This is not a specific incident, but rather an insight I have gotten about my interactions with D9. As stated in earlier threads, she has a sweet, very intuitive and giving nature.  But she can get very stuck in - mostly negative - emotions. She also translates everything into it being her responsibility or fault, and she can harp incessantly over any and every little pain or discomfort. This is very difficult for me: I see so many traits my mother has, coming back to haunt me.  I feel as if I'm back in the relationship with my mother, trying to assuage her negative feelings and to reassure her that it is not her fault. I tend to get defensive. I have tried validating and letting D9 express her feelings by simply listening, but she stays stuck and I keep feeling as if something is needed from me. Something I cannot give. As D9 is struggling a lot with negative emotions at the moment, this is really affecting our interactions. Is she asking for attention? Is she really struggling? How can I discern this? Can I help her learn to get unstuck, or does she have to find her own way?  I am soo frightened of passing on the wrong messages, it freezes me up. Does anyone else struggle with these emotions towards their children? What skills do you use to differentiate your feelings from the past from what is going on in the present?

Have you asked her (appropriate versions) of the highlighted questions? If so, what does she say? Have you considered taking her for some family counseling?

One thing I know for certain is that my past absolutely affects my present.

To differentiate, I ask myself if anything about the present situation reminds me of my past. If so: Who, what, when, where, why, how. If no, then it’s less likely feelings from the past are in play.

You’ve asked some great questions, Libra. Let’s keep talking.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

[Turkish]

I think it's a good step to be aware of your triggers.  I think all of us here struggle with repressed and unresolved pain. Being unresolved,  traumatized or abused children bring it forward with term into their adult relationships.  

I remember S8 going through his terrible 2s... .then 3s. By 4 I was extremely frustrated and thought,  "is this going to continue?" That his mom left the house two weeks after he turned 4 didn't help.  He had a lot to deal with on top of being a growing little person.

I remember getting very angry at him at the dinner table once. I wanted to smack him but I smacked the table and shouted at him.  He looked afraid of me.  I had a horrifying thought,  I'm wanting to deal with him like my mother would.

From maybe kindergarten on,  I can't not remember a time of not getting slapped orsmacked for... .whatever,  sometimes going to school in tears for... .whatever.  My mother used emotional and physical violence to deal with anything I did that triggered her because that's how she was raised,  added to the fact that she had unresolved childhood trauma.

Cue an internal intervention.  

That all being said I think he still feels safer with me than with mommy.  

I was thinking along similar lines like Learning2Thrive suggested.  Listening is one component of validating, but have you flat out asked her,  "I can see that you're frustrated/ angry. What's going on and how can I help?"

This is a pretty good book,  and in reading it,  I realized how much I'd been invalidated as a child.  In that sense,  it also validated me.  

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

T

[Harri]

Hi!

I don't have kids so I can't help with this.  I am glad to see others stepping in.  I do know that kids have a knack at bringing up all sorts of wounds though and it is hard to manage.   I get a small taste of this with my nephew.  Working through all that and getting beyond your triggers is hard though.

Just rambling because I like talking with you!  Keep being you and keep reaching out.  this is important to talk about.

 

[Libra]

L2T,
Thank you for your quick response. I hope you managed to get some good rest (self-care is important!).
So, emotional flashbacks you say. Wow.
I have often read about it in other threads, but always skipped it. I thought it was all about reliving actual childhood memories, and as I don't really have any, it seemed rather pointless reading about it. From what I managed to read so far though, it could fit the bill. I will have to dig in and read more.
I am having a hard time accepting this possibility though. I have always been in 2 minds about labeling my mother with any traits. Even on this board I still feel the need to excuse myself for not really belonging here. The tools are great, and I am learning a lot about myself. But somewhere deep inside I am still convinced it really is all about myself, and how I can't handle reality. I have no really nasty memories. I cannot pinpoint any trauma and 'blame' my mother. It is all so insidious, and so hard to SEE.
That's not really to the point though, that's me complaining.
I will read and process. Thank you very much for the insight and the links.

Yes, I have read about your bike adventures. They sound awesome. Having a young family and a full-time job though, self-care for me is limited to the work here on this board and getting enough sleep/rest at the moment. I am currently ill at home. I am trying to use that time to focus on me and working on this board.

Have I asked D9 what she wants or needs? Yes, up to a point. She just stares at me with puppy-like eyes and  says she doesn't know. Hence the feeling that something is required from me. But maybe I have to keep asking, keep validating, and try to stay patient for longer.

To differentiate, I ask myself if anything about the present situation reminds me of my past. If so: Who, what, when, where, why, how. If no, then it’s less likely feelings from the past are in play.

Not having any real memories, it is very hard to link anything to my past. It's all a blur. Not even that. It's empty.

Thank you L2T, you have given me much to ponder about.

[Libra]

Turkish,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, recognizing the triggers is good. I am now hoping to learn how to NOT act upon them as I have learnt to.

I hear you on the horrifying thought... .there is nothing quite as horrendous as the feeling that you are copying your own mothers coping/raising skills.
Congratulations on seeing this though, and striving to do differently. Tables are definitely more robust than children.

I am still working on communication with my kids. Flat-out asking that is not easy, not even with my own children. I can't really explain why. Maybe I need to think a bit more about that one.

Thank you for the book referral. It will be my next book and I am looking forward to reading and learning. 

Libra

[Libra]

Harri,

Thank you for putting a smile on my face.

Please do keep rambling, I like talking to you too! 

Libra

[Learning2Thrive]

Libra wrote:

Yes, I have read about your bike adventures. They sound awesome. Having a young family and a full-time job though, self-care for me is limited to the work here on this board and getting enough sleep/rest at the moment. I am currently ill at home. I am trying to use that time to focus on me and working on this board.

Oh my. I hope you didn’t think I was telling you to go ride a bike. If so, please understand that was definitely not my intent. I only mentioned it in the context of your thread title question.

How to cope when your primary family triggers you?

I find that—for me—doing something intensely physical me process the negative energy (and replace it with positive endorphins) in my body while giving something for my mind to stay present with. Everybody has to figure out what works best for them.  Some people walk, some run, some swim, some hike, some play guitar, some sew, some quilt... .and so on.

Be gentle with yourself. There’s lots to learn—always. Some of this stuff is really difficult and painful, but it does get better when we face it and have a healthy plan of action and support system. We’re here for you Libra.  You might not be abe to see us, but I hope you can feel our genuine care and compassion for you.

  L2T

[Libra]

Oh my. I hope you didn’t think I was telling you to go ride a bike. If so, please understand that was definitely not my intent. I only mentioned it in the context of your thread title question.

No worries, I had not misinterpreted. I simply think it is awesome that you found something positive that helps you push forward, exploring new territories.

You might not be able to see us, but I hope you can feel our genuine care and compassion for you.

I truly can, and it is greatly appreciated. Thank you L2T

Libra

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Libra, 

You have gotten lots of excellent advice!

Your questions and story remind me of my own life and also of my middle daughter who is now 29.  So many parallels from what you shared. I struggled to figure out what she was saying and feeling, especially when she was about 10. There were so many reminders of my uBPDm. It was terrifying and scary, yet we made it through, and our relationship is intact, and stronger than ever. Some of the healing and understanding that I've gained for her have just come naturally as I have learned and grown on this journey to healing.

 One of the favorite tools that I have used to help myself (I think it may also be helpful for your daughter) is included in this link here.

https://childhood101.com/helping-children-manage-big-emotions-my-emotions-wheel-printable/

I don't know anything about this particular site, but as I reviewed the feeling wheel for children, I was pleased with what I saw. I have shared an adult version with others here as well, and they know that it is one of my favorite tools of all time. It can also be helpful for you. I have blocked out so many memories from my childhood, and I never knew what I was feeling for many years. I think it's something that you and your daughter could work on together as you discover the wonderful traits of having a daughter who is learning who she is and what she feels.

 
Wools

[Libra]

Wools,

I see many layers in your message, please correct me if I misinterpreted:

- It is normal for D9 to be struggling with her emotions and putting them into words. That is part of growing up into a balanced self.
- It is not abnormal for me to recognize many of my mothers' traits in D9 at the moment. I do not have to worry about D9 being lost, rather accept that my mother is at the same emotional level as her!
- We can walk this road together and learn to express our feelings together. This will not threaten our relationship or hold her back from finding her own self.
 
Wow. I wish I could phrase it as beautifully as you did.

You have put my fears into perspective and given me new motivation to walk alongside her. 
I know she can do it. Now I only need to stick my neck out and follow her lead.

Thank you so much for your input.

Libra

[Harri]

I really like the kids feeling wheel Wools and not just for kids!    The other exercises on that first page are wonderful too.  I wish I had seen it earlier in my healing as it would have helped me take care of my little Harri.  Now I need one for a teenager... . 

I still look up the grown up version for myself. 

Libra, yes to all you said.  And yes, Wools is a word master and writes beautifully.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Libra, 

Yes, you summarized what I said wonderfully! I'm so glad you understood.   Thank you for your kind words too. 

Because of my own inability to grasp feelings very well at all, I did not understand feelings taking place in my children, and I'm sure I wasn't very helpful to them at all with figuring out what was going on inside of them. As Turkish often says, "You don't know what you don't know." That was my situation. I wish I had known how to help them more when they were young, but I didn't even realize how much I could not grasp because of my own wounds and emotional crippling from growing up with an uBPDm. Now, however, I DO know, and I encourage these wonderful adult kids of mine with all that I am learning, and I encourage them to be honest with me even if it means saying to me that I messed up. I often will remind them that it is no wonder that they struggle to figure out their feelings since we did not teach them about it growing up!

A pwBPD definitely struggles to regulate any emotions, and it can help to realize the emotions they exhibit are truly like a child having a temper tantrum. Sometimes the scary part is letting our young ones share their emotions, and as an adult we do not need to react as our BPD parent did.

When our oldest D was in Jr. High, she would often come in the door crying after school, and she needed time to unload the emotional roller coaster of her day. I realized that if we didn't meet her emotional needs, she would find someone who would because that is a basic need for every human being. So we began to make some adjustments in our schedules to be sure one of us was home to greet her. It was important.

I can see how much you care about your D9 and also about your relationship with her, and that is so good. Don't be afraid to seek help from a chidren's T too if you get to a point where that is necessary. Each child is unique in their needs, and having validation and some tips from an expert can also help. I did that with the D I mentioned, about the time when she was 10. It was a huge help. I valued our relationship so much and wanted it to be healthy.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Woolite, this is such a good example of owning your stuff and being a good parent:

I often will remind them that it is no wonder that they struggle to figure out their feelings since we did not teach them about it growing up!

Awesome.  There is no way we learned everything we needed to learn, so how could we be comfortable guides to our own little ones?

Libra, keep reaching out about this.

Did you get a chance to look at the feelings wheel and other activities on the page?  It might help both you and your daughter.

[Libra]

Hello Wools,

Because of my own inability to grasp feelings very well at all, I did not understand feelings taking place in my children.

I am working on accepting this. It hurts to realize I am falling short on such an essential part of guiding my children into adulthood.
I am already starting to see how I have used some inadequate replies when my children are at a loss themselves.
We copy what we know, true, but only as long as we haven't been introduced to other and better ways.
I am very grateful that I am learning better ways, with the help and support of this board.

I often will remind them that it is no wonder that they struggle to figure out their feelings since we did not teach them about it growing up!

Harri is right, that truly is an awesome example of owning your own stuff and being a good parent. You should be proud of that Wools!

A pwBPD definitely struggles to regulate any emotions, and it can help to realize the emotions they exhibit are truly like a child having a temper tantrum. Sometimes the scary part is letting our young ones share their emotions, and as an adult we do not need to react as our BPD parent did.

Again, a beautifully layered message. I do need to differentiate more between my communication mode with my mother and the way I communicate with others, especially my own children.

Going to T with D9 is not an option I need to consider yet, I think. I will work with what I've learnt here first and see how that evolves.

I do care very much about my 2 children. I love seeing them grow into their own, individual and very different selves. Being there to help them with this is so rewarding!

Thank you for your guidance and your gentleness Wools. 

Libra.

[Libra]

Harri,

Did you get a chance to look at the feelings wheel and other activities on the page?  It might help both you and your daughter.

Yes. I had read about it in previous threads as well. I forgot to thank Wools for it... .=> Thank you Wools!

So... .yes, I looked at it. It feels….awkward?
I need to get my head around sitting with my daughter discussing this. Because I know I will be out of my depth and I will feel very vulnerable.
That is very hard to match with the prevalent feeling of having to provide a solution all the time.

I am processing it though... .I will try to find a quiet time to talk about this with my daughter.

Thank you for your -> __________ Harri.
And thank you for gently turning my head back in the right direction, i.e. to the road ahead.

Libra.

[Notwendy]

Libra- there were several times my kids "triggered" me because they were acting like my BPD mother. Over time, I realized that they were going through normal stages of child development. Young children can not regulate their emotions well. It is a skill they need to learn through maturity and practice. Thankfully they did. My mother has the emotional regulation skills of a young child- so it makes sense that at some ages - and even adolescence- with hormonal swings- that they would behave in similar ways. It was triggering to me as it triggered my fears when I was a child and my mother was raging, but this is different- I am the adult and a child having a hissy fit isn't the same thing. However, it can feel that way to me.

Being a mother helped me to learn to self soothe better. We need practice with that too. I recall helping my children to do this and as they got older, speaking to them about their feelings, validating them. " I know it upset you when you didn't get that toy you asked for, or when your classmate took your pencil... ." They would come home upset about something at school and we'd talk about it.

I didn't have a mother to role model emotional regulation, so I too needed to learn to do this better. I did it better than my mother did, but there is room for practice. Being triggered is an opportunity to learn to do this. Also for me ,I tend to numb out sometimes and not feel my feelings. Growing up, my mother's feelings took priority and others were invalidated. It's important to validate your kids' feelings. In the moment, your child is really upset about something- and it is OK for them to be upset. Often, if we feel our feelings, then they will pass. What we need to do is feel them and manage them in an appropriate way. Going off by yourself for a cry is fine- for you and for a child. Young children ( and pwBPD ) have temper tantrums, or they hit another child, or break something- it is our job to teach them to express and manage these feelings appropriately, but not to invalidate them. We can also self validate and self soothe. Don't fear the triggers- they are learning opportunities.

One of my fears is that I would act like my mother and hurt the people that love me like she does.  Anything my H says about me that reminds me of her is very triggering. I have to step back and realize that, yes, she is my mother and so it makes sense that we would have some similar characteristics- but I am not my mother. She also has some great characteristics and so I should not deny those as well. My H is married to me, not her, and may not even be aware that what he says might trigger a fear, and he probably doesn't mean it that way.

[Libra]

Notwendy,

Thank you for joining in.

I am the adult and a child having a hissy fit isn't the same thing. However, it can feel that way to me.

Yes. I need to learn to recognize this. I need to slow things down when I start to  feel overwhelmed, to recognize that I am the adult now, and that it is normal for my children to act out. They need to learn.

Being a mother helped me to learn to self soothe better.
I didn't have a mother to role model emotional regulation, so I too needed to learn to do this better.

I am still having trouble with this. When I get overwhelmed I have a really hard time getting ‘over’ it. It’s as if I’m on ‘high alert’ or something. My H notices this the moment we communicate. I think I mostly manage to validate and be there for the children, though I realize some of this pent up energy must be trickling through to them. That should not happen.

It's important to validate your kids' feelings. In the moment, your child is really upset about something- and it is OK for them to be upset.

I understand this. I have been working hard on validating the children and talking with them about their emotions, telling them it’s ok to feel what they are feeling. This is quite new territory for me. It’s draining, but also very rewarding.

Don't fear the triggers- they are learning opportunities.

Yes. They are. Thank you for pointing that out.
I think I need to give myself some space and time to get to grip with all these things. I expect myself to get it right at every turn. I need to accept that this will take time. It’s a fall and get back up and try again kind of thing.

One of my fears is that I would act like my mother and hurt the people that love me like she does.  Anything my H says about me that reminds me of her is very triggering.

Oh yes. So true. My H has learnt NOT to compare me with my mother though 

Again, thank you for joining in Notwendy, it is sad but consoling to know that others have struggled with the same feelings.

Libra.

[Harri]

I think I need to give myself some space and time to get to grip with all these things. I expect myself to get it right at every turn. I need to accept that this will take time. It’s a fall and get back up and try again kind of thing.

 Exactly.  It will take time and work but you will get better at this. 

 

My H has learnt NOT to compare me with my mother though

  hahaha  Those are fighting words for sure! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Ah Libra,

This is perfectly fine! 

I think I need to give myself some space and time to get to grip with all these things. I expect myself to get it right at every turn. I need to accept that this will take time. It’s a fall and get back up and try again kind of thing.

When our brains are first unlearning and then relearning, it can be excruciating! How often my head hurt after T sessions, and I would sit and rub my forehead because it literally hurt from learning these new things. Our brains are amazing, having this incredible ability to grow new neuron pathways to bridge to new happy experiences. I like to picture it this way:

There is a river in our city and the bridge was old and wearing out, losing it's safety, so the city decided to build a new one. It took months and months of work, and each time the cars traveled over the old bridge, they could see the new one going up. It was strange to see it growing in scope next to the old, and it definitely didn't seem as if it belonged because it was very much out of place. Then came the announcement: "The old bridge will close for a few days and the new one will open. The old one will be destroyed." The next time I drove across the bridge, it was the new one, and there were no remnants of the old one anywhere to be seen. Was there ever another bridge there? I couldn't see it anymore, but I knew it had been there. Yet it was no more, and the new was so nice and safe and beautiful. You see, the new replaced the old so gradually that one day I discovered I was already traveling on it!

It's the same with our thoughts and feelings. One little adjustment and step at a time, you are building new pathways for your brain to think. It is a lot of work at first, but it will become normal. Do not fear, you will get it. Takes time, but don't worry. One day you'll look and wonder how you every thought otherwise. 
 
 
Wools

[Libra]

Wools,
Thank you for the beautiful analogy. 
Now, when I feel overwhelmed or impatient with myself, I will recall your bridge, and I will imagine the new city I will be building on the other side of that bridge.


Harri,

  hahaha  Those are fighting words for sure!

Yes. Beneath the uncertainty and self-doubt a (medium) strong and giving personality lies hidden away. It has popped up a few times in my life, put it keeps getting pulled back down. I think it’s time to get it out into the light.
Work in progress…

Libra

[Harri]

Libra wrote:

a (medium) strong and giving personality lies hidden away.

 I've been seeing her right along Libra and I must say it is a beautiful thing to see and hear.  Just keep working and being you.  You have good instincts and a good drive.

Wools, I love that bride image.  So true.