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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: T goes on maternity leave soon...  (Read 361 times)
mama-wolf
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« on: September 14, 2018, 02:25:04 PM »

I'm still trying to prepare for my T's departure for maternity leave next month.  We'll have about two more sessions before that happens, and it just feels like so little time.

We talked last session about support for now being focused on helping with the dynamics with my stbx since we're still in the early months of our separation... .dealing with things like co-parenting struggles, her emotional volatility, and continuing to combat the criticism that I have been conditioned to turn on myself.

We also talked a bit about future support that’s probably more appropriate for when she returns from leave in January.  She said I'm still in a pretty vulnerable place right now, making it hard to tackle some of these topics just yet.  She didn't name it specifically, but I'm pretty certain one of those topics is actually working through recovery from the trauma and emotional abuse in my marriage.  Other topics that we did discuss include:

  • Identifying the experiences in my past/childhood that have affected me and influenced my choices; understanding how they may still impact me today
  • Building my emotional vocabulary; being able to identify the feelings without having to get flooded, and being able to work through them without fear of completely falling apart
  • Not shutting down when the feelings are uncomfortable (she said she has watched me do this on multiple occasions and she is trying to help me see that uncomfortable isn’t necessarily a bad thing)
  • Recognizing and speaking up for my needs; not overperforming when I could ask for help

She said I'm "doing really well" but I'm struggling with that assessment.  My first question is: By what standard?  I find it really hard to calibrate on that... .to understand what she's basing it on.  The other issue I have is that I have this pervasive thought and feeling that "I'm not OK."  So what do I do with that?  If I'm doing really well, then why do I feel that way?

I figure my T will work with me on some of this in these last couple of sessions, and am pretty sure we'll talk about what's making me most anxious about the coming months.  Aside from the obvious stressors of continuing to deal with co-parenting, of our anniversary coming up in October, and the first holiday season since separation, I have two big points of anxiety about her going on leave in particular:

    1) That she won't come back (she has one young child and is now having twins) - she and I have discussed this some and she has provided reassurance, but I still feel anxious about it
    2) That she WILL come back, but I will have convinced myself that I got by for three months without her so I don't need to continue with therapy

I would like to think I can keep in mind the things I still need to work on and stay the course on therapy, but I know my tendency toward avoidance can be strong and has been ingrained in me over the decades of my life.  With the crisis of my emotional burnout, looming separation and now the transition period over, that life-or-death motivator that finally prodded me to seek therapy is gone.  I continue now based largely on momentum, and come October that will be gone, too. 

So I have my family and my friends around me, and will continue plodding along.  I may not feel ok, but I can keep up the appearance for my kids' sake.  There's just this sense of dread, hopelessness, and isolation that's hanging over it all and I really don't like it.

mw
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2018, 07:35:21 AM »

Hi mama-wolf,

So sorry you are feeling anxious about your therapist’s maternity leave.  I am short on time this morning, but I wanted to reach out to you with a  .

When you say you feel “not ok”, I can relate to that general statement.  But, it is helpful to me to break it down, ask myself some questions to identify the thing that is creating my anxiety.  For example, in what ways am I not ok?  Are those valid or invalid?  What can I do to feel more ok.  The breaking it down from general feelings that I can acknowledge like - ok you are not feeling ok.  What can I do about it?
For me, it’s the general feeling that gets me down, it’s pervasive.  But, breaking it down in steps helps me deal with it better.

So, what’s making you feel “not ok”?


I will get back with more later.

Mustbe
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Harri
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2018, 10:30:48 PM »

Hi mama-wolf. 

I am sorry to hear about your T going on maternity leave.  It is difficult when a major character in your support system will be gone for a bit and it is a big adjustment.  You can work this though.  You are not the same person you were when you started therapy.  You have more and better skills now that will carry you through. 

I have also been afraid that I will lose momentum, but I can say that while my energy can wax and wane, I do not lose my drive to get better and continue my emotional work.  Do not underestimate how much discovery and healing can happen right here on the board.  We have people who can help you here and tools that you can use to help you stay present with your emotions.  I have found Mindfulness to work very well.  I used to dissociate/disconnect from my feelings several times a day but have gotten much better both in therapy and by my work here. 

have you read Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind before?  if not, I hope you do.  It takes practice but it helps.  Also, self talk is a great way to get yourself through the rough spots.  Reminding yourself you have the choice to continue to work, that feelings are perfectly okay and are temporary, etc. 

Come here, post, we've got you.  If you want to talk about childhood issues that still affect you today, you can do it here or head over to the Parent, Sibling and In-law board.  It is what we do and we all work together.

You've got this.
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2018, 11:45:50 PM »

Ok, I am able to continue my post.  Adding to my first post, I think you have been committed to making positive changes.  This has included therapy for you.  I can’t see you letting your progress go at this point, when you have worked so hard.

I agree with Harri that you now have more tools and are in a better place to keep your momentum going.  

Continue to post, we are listening and as a community we are here for you.  Take good care.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2018, 10:00:30 AM »

She said I'm "doing really well" but I'm struggling with that assessment.  My first question is: By what standard?  I find it really hard to calibrate on that... .to understand what she's basing it on.  The other issue I have is that I have this pervasive thought and feeling that "I'm not OK."  So what do I do with that?  If I'm doing really well, then why do I feel that way?
Mama-wolf,
I think this is really hard for people like us to understand.  I can imagine myself responding to that kind of statement with - "My life is in shambles, I'm operating at 50% or less of my "normal" capabilities, and I feel like  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post).  How can I be "doing really well"?". 

Then there's the fear of "If this is what 'really good' feels like, what if I lose this tenuous grasp on what is left of my sanity.  I don't think I can survive feeling any worse". 

I'm realizing that I associate pain with failure.  If I'm in pain, I must be doing something wrong.  And since I generally identified the source of my pain as being external (usually dBPDxh), the way to end the pain was to figure out what the right thing to do was and work harder at it.

What I'm learning is that the pain I'm dealing with now is from deep wounds.  Some of them were self inflicted, but most of them have been there since early childhood.  So the source of this pain is inside me and that scares the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) out of me.  Because that seems to imply that I can't resolve the pain by doing differently.  I have to be different.  How in the world am I supposed to achieve that?  Do I even want to?  Because if I need to be different, then who I have been/am really isn't "enough".  My dad was right.  dBPDxh was right.  The voices in my head were right.

Does any of this sound familiar?

In many ways I'm a few steps ahead on this journey you're on, so I'm hoping that what I say now can give you some hope.  You are doing really well.  This isn't a pit you can't climb out of.  It's a tunnel that gets you to true healing.  This isn't about being different.  It's about peeling away the layers you've built up to protect your wounded self, so that true self can be free and vibrantly alive. 

You will struggle to see progress right now, because you're in the midst of the dark part and you really want to focus on the end of the journey, which seems so far away.  It's probably a good idea to sit down and spend a little time making a list of evidence that you are "doing really well".  I'll get you started, and maybe your T can help add to what you add to this list.

-You show a clear willingness (which doesn't have to be readiness... .that comes in due time) to learn and grow.
-You have demonstrated your ability to not only learn, but implement tools and techniques that improve your relationship with stbxw and your kids.
-You are getting out of bed and carrying on with daily life.  You may not be operating at your "normal" level, but you are functioning.
-You are reaching out for help and also reaching out to offer help (I see this very clearly here on bpdfamily).

I could add more, but I think it will mean more if you can see it for yourself.

Oh, and as far as being able to make progress while your T is on maternity leave goes, you've got this.  I see my T about once a week currently, but lately my sessions have been more about sharing with her what I'm uncovering on my own time.  I'm planning to enter a time of more guided work as I unpack my "box", but I'm realizing that it's okay for me to not be ready and rushing things won't help me get through this faster.  Maybe this break from T is God's way of slowing you down a bit so that you are really ready.

BG


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mama-wolf
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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2018, 08:34:20 PM »

Thank you, Mustbe, Harri, and BG for the responses and perspective.  I frequently remind others that this community is here to support them, and yet I find that it's helpful to have that reminder for myself as well.

So, what’s making you feel “not ok”?

I took some time to try thinking through this over the weekend, because it really does feel like this big dark cloud looming and I'm finding it hard to break it down. 

I know or at least suspect that my marriage has done damage to me, to my psyche, but I still don't really have a grasp on what the damage is.  Sure I can identify an impact to my sense of self-worth (though how deep and how to address it are another matter).  The emotional drain of the last few years plus the separation itself is fairly obvious, too.  So I have spent the last few months with my T patching up surface wounds and avoiding additional injury, but what I'm worried about is what "internal bleeding" there is that's just waiting to knock me down--especially with her leaving soon.

I have family and friends around me, who I love and trust.  But I also know they are 1) biased in my favor no matter how objective they try to be, and 2) not clinical professionals with the education, training, and experience to identify and help me effectively address the underlying issues that will truly help me deal with these wounds.

There is also the recovery process itself that I should be going through--am going through, I guess, though it doesn't feel like there is much forward motion these days.  I have heard and read quite a bit about the anger/rage part of the process, and that intimidates the hell out of me.  My uBPDw managed to provoke me many times, sometimes intentionally, into being flooded with anger and frustration.  I did not like who I was then--mostly a ball of raw emotion.  I never did anything other than yell back at her, but I still hated the loss of control.  And I really don't like the idea of facing circumstances as part of this process that will likely push me to similar limits.

Adding to my first post, I think you have been committed to making positive changes.  This has included therapy for you.  I can’t see you letting your progress go at this point, when you have worked so hard.

True, I have been committed to getting through all of this as intact as I can, for the sake of my kids and on some level for my own sake.  I still struggle to see a path beyond basic functioning, so from where I stand it feels like there is a limit to my capacity for progress.  Part of what prompted me to make this post was the feeling that I'll get through my T's maternity leave and will have convinced myself I have reached that capacity by virtue of just making it through the months without completely falling apart.  But on some level, I know that "just functioning" is not supposed to be enough.

It is difficult when a major character in your support system will be gone for a bit and it is a big adjustment.  You can work this though.  You are not the same person you were when you started therapy.  You have more and better skills now that will carry you through. 

Thank you Harri for articulating the pending loss so clearly.  She is absolutely a major component of my support system, and the prospect of losing the reality check and perspective that she provides is... .more than intimidating.  I struggle to find the right word.  Terrifying maybe.  I have been--and continue to be--very grateful for the ability to get similar reality checks and perspectives here (multiple on the same topic even).  It's just the in-person element with someone who I feel has come to really know me that I'm having trouble coming to terms with.

have you read Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind before?  if not, I hope you do.  It takes practice but it helps.

I followed the link you posted and read the information there.  We did touch on Wise Mind with the MC that we were seeing earlier this year.  She brought it up more for my uBPDw's benefit than for mine, but yes I see the value.  I'm working on it... .

If you want to talk about childhood issues that still affect you today, you can do it here or head over to the Parent, Sibling and In-law board.  It is what we do and we all work together.

I appreciate the invitation to the other board, but I'm not sure that's the place to work though my past.  When I refer to things in my past, it's not from having a parent or sibling with BPD.  It's other abandonment topics and then coming out in college and the additional elements that added to it all.  I know there are several things that are part of my childhood and young adulthood that would need exploring if I am to truly get a grasp on my abandonment wounds.  I figure it all has to be explored, in addition to the damage from my marriage.

Then there's the fear of "If this is what 'really good' feels like, what if I lose this tenuous grasp on what is left of my sanity.  I don't think I can survive feeling any worse". 

Yes, exactly.  That is part of my dilemma.  Setting aside whatever emotional breakdown I fear is around the corner and how destructive I feel that might be... ."really good" feels pretty crappy in general, and that's just depressing.

I'm realizing that I associate pain with failure.  If I'm in pain, I must be doing something wrong.  And since I generally identified the source of my pain as being external (usually dBPDxh), the way to end the pain was to figure out what the right thing to do was and work harder at it.

Yes, I think I'm somewhere in this same space.  So, when it's blatantly obvious and I just can't ignore the pain, then I have done something wrong and I'll plow through until I fix it somehow.  But for the most part, I just deny the pain... .to the point where I really don't think I am feeling any.  But I must be, right?

Because that seems to imply that I can't resolve the pain by doing differently.  I have to be different.  How in the world am I supposed to achieve that?  Do I even want to?  Because if I need to be different, then who I have been/am really isn't "enough".  My dad was right.  dBPDxh was right.  The voices in my head were right.

Does any of this sound familiar?

So very familiar.  I get caught up in thoughts that 1) I am more like my stbx than I would ever want to be, and/or 2) maybe my stbx was right about all that crap she tried to convince me of over the years.

It's probably a good idea to sit down and spend a little time making a list of evidence that you are "doing really well".  I'll get you started, and maybe your T can help add to what you add to this list.

Thank you for this list!  This highlights where part of my struggles are right now... .

-You show a clear willingness (which doesn't have to be readiness... .that comes in due time) to learn and grow.
-You have demonstrated your ability to not only learn, but implement tools and techniques that improve your relationship with stbxw and your kids.
-You are getting out of bed and carrying on with daily life.  You may not be operating at your "normal" level, but you are functioning.

To me, these are expected and should be the case anyway.  The difference of course being the awareness of what learning and growth may be needed, but ultimately I know of no other option than to learn, adapt, and carry on with daily life--especially to make sure my kids have what they need.  This not "doing well" to me... .this "meeting minimum requirements."

-You are reaching out for help and also reaching out to offer help (I see this very clearly here on bpdfamily).

This one I'll agree on without much arguing.  Asking for (and actually accepting) help is a big change for me.  And I'm really working on taking the opportunity to help others, because that's a part of my nature that has been suppressed for so long in my marriage.  I don't manage to do as much of it as I would like here, but I'm still glad for the opportunity.

Maybe this break from T is God's way of slowing you down a bit so that you are really ready.
 
This is an interesting point.  Slow down to be really ready to deal with all the other things mentioned above?  That leaves me trying to figure out how to get ready and wanting to work on that, but I know that's not the idea here.

Thanks again for the responses.  I'm hoping to work through some of this before the next session with my T so I can express more clearly what direction I need from her.

mw
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2018, 11:35:44 PM »

Mama-wolf,
There’s a lot I want to say but I’m tired and it’s late. Before I get some sleep, I do want to share a Henri Nouwen quote I just read.
“What has remained separated and unreachable will let itself be drawn into the love you have been able to receive. One day you will discover that your anguish is gone. It will leave you because your weakest self let itself be embraced by your love.”

BG
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2018, 06:13:33 AM »

BG that’s a beautiful quote.  It’s encouraging, hmmm “Let your weakest self be embraced by your love.”   

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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2018, 10:35:20 AM »

Mama-wolf,
As I said last night, I have a lot to say.  So brew a cup of coffee or tea and feel free to take breaks. 

I have family and friends around me, who I love and trust.  But I also know they are 1) biased in my favor no matter how objective they try to be, and 2) not clinical professionals with the education, training, and experience to identify and help me effectively address the underlying issues that will truly help me deal with these wounds.

I have found that my friends (not so much my family, but that's a whole other topic) have been more integral in my healing process than my T.  She would agree, and I believe she would say that's as it should be.  That isn't to discount the amazing help that her perspective and professional insight have provided, but she's only able to see me an hour a week or so.  Even over the course of years, that means she still does not know me as well as my friends.  Yes, my friends are biased.  They are also fiercely protective, even when it comes to protecting me from myself.  I have courageous friends and I have been courageous enough to allow them to know even the darkest parts of me.  They may not have degrees in psychology, but they have degrees in BeagleGirl.    So they are able to speak into my life in ways that even my T can't.  And I'm finding that some of them have addressed or are addressing similar wounds to what I am in the process of uncovering and healing. 

I don't know if you have that level of vulnerability with any of your friends.  I didn't until I HAD to and it's still a battle some days to let them see all of me.  They aren't perfect in their perception, or in their advice.  I'm allowed to argue with them (and I do) and know they will support me even if I do the exact opposite of what they suggest.  There are times that I or they suggest running their observations or advice by my T before acting on it.  Usually my T smiles and says "I see that too" or "That sounds like some good advice" and we explore it further.

I have heard and read quite a bit about the anger/rage part of the process, and that intimidates the hell out of me. 

Anger has always been difficult for me as well.  I'm the kind who reverts to "cold" in arguments.  I'm logical.  I hate losing control of myself, much less the situation.  "Hurt" I can manage.  "Angry" feels wrong.  I will say that I'm growing more comfortable with the anger stage of grieving.  It's not as dramatic as I envisioned.  It's more about allowing that anger to rise, sitting with it long enough to understand where it's coming from, and then releasing it in some way.  I don't walk around angry.  I don't (often) find myself out of control, but I do allow myself to release control, if that makes sense. 

My T reminds me frequently that anger is a natural response to injustice.  Anger is a an alarm that indicates that something is wrong and needs to be addressed.  When we tell ourselves (or are told by others) that it's not okay to be angry, we short circuit that protective mechanism. 

BUT anger doesn't have to look like we've seen it displayed by people who have used it as a weapon against us.  I don't yell or hit things when I'm angry.  My volume goes up a notch, as does the intensity of my tone.  My body tenses and my heart rate goes up.  My thoughts narrow and focus.  It's not unusual for me to start crying.  Anger doesn't feel good, but it feels a LOT better than what happens to me when I don't allow myself to feel it.  Anger suppressed, for me, becomes anxiety.  Anger allows me to say (in a far less structured manner) "You did something that hurt me.  It was wrong.  It shouldn't have happened and I don't want it to keep happening".  The key is that you don't have to experience that anger in an unsafe environment, at least not until you learn how to deal with it effectively.  My anger usually comes out when I'm safe - with my T, my friends, or when I'm alone.  I'm learning to listen to my body and, rather than suppress the anger, get to a safe place where I can deal with it. 

I have also found it incredibly helpful to watch my friends express their anger over what I have experienced.  For a long time it kind of shocked me.  I wanted to justify the behavior of the person who wronged/hurt me.  I wanted to tell them to not be angry.  But then I realized that I needed to see what healthy anger looked like.  Their anger was not directed at me, or even at the person who was hurting me.  It was voiced.  It brought clarity.  Yes, there were the occasional sessions where they talked about the vandalism they would be willing to do on my behalf, but even watching them work through that was helpful. 

I'm realizing how long this post will be if I keep going.  I think I'll stop here and let you read/ruminate/respond. 

BG
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mama-wolf
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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2018, 02:47:45 PM »

As I said last night, I have a lot to say.  So brew a cup of coffee or tea and feel free to take breaks. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to dig into these topics with me!

I don't know if you have that level of vulnerability with any of your friends.  I didn't until I HAD to and it's still a battle some days to let them see all of me. 

Not really, but that's a result of the isolation I went through over the course of my marriage.  I also have to be careful with quite a few of them, as they are mutual friends with my stbx.  While I may trust them a great deal, I don't want to put them in a difficult position.  Nor would I want to risk things inadvertently getting back to my stbx and causing brand new drama for the co-parenting dynamic.  Of the few (3 maybe) friends who I consider "mine," with whom I am close and feel I can take baby steps into the vulnerability space, two are incredibly busy with their jobs, and one lives in another state (phone conversations are OK, but not really the best medium for this kind of support).

I know I need to expand my social circle, though with new friends I feel you really have to be careful not to overshare--particularly something like this.  Plus, there's the whole trust thing and general lack of feeling like I can be vulnerable with most folks.

Anger has always been difficult for me as well.  I'm the kind who reverts to "cold" in arguments.  I'm logical. 

I hate losing control of myself, much less the situation.  "Hurt" I can manage.  "Angry" feels wrong. 

BUT anger doesn't have to look like we've seen it displayed by people who have used it as a weapon against us. 

Same.  I know most of this is my rational nature, and part of this is my tendency to shut down and numb uncomfortable emotions.  I know the shutting down part is on my T's list to work with me on when she gets back.  What you described about your experience at least gives me some hope.  I get the purpose of the anger, and it makes sense.  My T called it a secondary emotion, which leaves me unsure about how to identify and properly deal with the underlying emotions causing it.

And that last statement is powerful.  My "relationship" with my emotions was already not so great, and the idea of getting closer to my emotions after witnessing (being subjected to) so much instability and volatility is very daunting.  Intellectually, I get that I'm not her, but the aversion is so much stronger now than it ever was.

mw
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