So, I just received the first call from my mom from the hospital since I had her involuntarily committed earlier this week. (see my posts,
"All hell breaking loose... .Feel my mind losing it... .**UBPD loved one**" and
Legal guardianship over loved one (especially if parent) with BPD or uBPD... .? from earlier)
She tells me that the psychiatrist is leaning towards having her admitted as longer-term inpatient after tomorrow out of concern of her hurting herself, to which my mom apparently kept vehemently rejecting any intention to do so. And she essentially wants me to claim the same for her and to basically convince them to let her go and she'll just leave my brother and I alone and go stay a few hours away with her sister and just proceed to be taken care of by her and her best friend who lives in another part of the country.
Of course I can't do that. And I tell her that and that I think she should just try this out -- just be open to the process and see what happens. To let them help her. That it's the one thing we haven't tried yet, and it couldn't hurt. She's convinced that it will and that it will only make her worse -- that she'll really "lose it" in a "mental institution." I told her she'll only lose it and it won't go well if she has that mindset about it and that she should try.
She also mentioned bills she has to take care of and that if she does this and for no telling how long and then comes back out later, she'll really have nothing and will have to start from scratch. I told her we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I remind her that she just pressed charges on me earlier this week for something that didn't happen so clearly something isn't right with her. Of course she tries to argue with me about that, saying we have our own versions of what happen and that we would just have to talk about that in counseling. I'm like (-__-) ok.
Of course nothing I was saying to her was what she wanted to hear and just basically kept wanting me to help her to leave, saying all that she need is "love," not to be there. I'm like but you've had love. Lots of it. And you can and will continue to but also with professionals there to help along the way.
I also suggested she let the doctors be able to provide me with information and updates on her so I'll know where she'll go, what's going on with her, etc. in case she does end up going that route and that that was the best I could do. But again, nothing that was what she wanted to hear.
I'm writing this post because ugggghhh... .With her in certain situations, this being one of them, I tend to feel so much like the abused wife. Feels like my abusive husband just called begging for me to bail him out of jail or to speak on his behalf to help him get out of prison... .or out of rehab. And I know why he's there and that it's for the best... .for everyone. And yet I still feel bad. And a small part of me is tempted. Uggh... .
I keep having to remind myself that I didn't do this. She did. We tried everything. EVERYthing. Nothing worked. And she's so stubborn, un-self-aware, arrogant, manipulative, power-obsessed, control-obsessed, and proud that trying to rely on her to help herself to get better psychologically and emotionally I feel almost convinced now would likely never happen... .and in the meantime, she'll continue to terrorize and drain (mentally, emotionally, and financially) those around her who love her and always feel obligated to help. I feel like this has to happen. Or that we at least have to try.
And yet still... .I feel bad.
UGH.
