Spouse has not been officially diagnosed... .Behavior is concerning and scary, had to leave Home based on threats made toward me. Spouse woke up one day this Spring and just stopped speaking, she had deteriorated and is on a campaign to very obviously harm me, threatening false police contact... .We have 3 young girls, who she has been able to convince that I am a danger and they are now “scared of me.” Also, refuses to let me see or speak with our girls. She has commenced a divorce action, and is impossible to speak with, displays no reason, and has verbally “attacked” me... .
These were behaviors my ex exhibited too. These and other behaviors are not uncommon for the Cluster B acting-out personality disorders. Most of us members are Nice Guys and Nice Gals who were so very unprepared for such high conflict and oppositional attacks. Here you can learn how to communicate in less triggering ways (SET and DEARMAN are two of them) without necessarily caving to the other's demands and ultimatums.
She is trying to separate your children from you. That's alienation, there's a new approach to alienation advocated by
Dr. Craig Childress. Also, Richard Warshak has an excellent book,
Divorce Poison, that identifies how the children are impacted and strategies that can help.
It’s as if my wife is literally gone. Says she does not remember any of the good memories we used to cherish, and is trying to convince me, she hated me our entire marriage. I am very much in love with my wife and fear for her safety, and the safety of our girls.
I suspect this phrase I highlighted is why your post was moved to this board. Even though your spouse has started a divorce, you haven't addressed this emotionally. A divorce has been started, right? The fact is that though you could delay it a bit, court is not there to fix your marriage or make her stay in the marriage. Court's task is to be the (somewhat passive) referee while your marriage is undone... .regarding finances, custody and parenting schedule.
In other words, you may love your spouse but you also have to realize she is making herself your worst opponent. That is a reality. Can you find a way to defend yourself well and also step up for your children? The reality is that your priority list during a separation and divorce is far different than in a healthy or even struggling marriage. You and your children have to be top of the list. Your spouse must be lower or else you will be sabotaging yourself (by opening up ways for her to sabotage you).
Can you accept the reality of a divorce? With an acting-out PD involved and a divorce started, it's unlikely the pieces can be taped together again, at least not in a healthy way. The typical exception to such a stark reality is if the disordered spouse gets into meaningful therapy (DBT or CBT are good ones), makes solid improvement to thinking, perceptions and behaviors over a long period of time, years. Does that sound like her?
So, for how you feel about the impending end to the marriage, good to post here. For the divorce questions and practical strategies that can help you, yes, you can post on the Family Law board. We've been there, done that. We can help but also realize that turning things around is a process and will take time. Some things need to be done now or ASAP, other things can wait. We'll help guide you on the priorities. For example, right now you need to find yourself a good, experienced and proactive attorney, the usual form filer and hand holder attorney will soon be floundering with the unrelenting obstruction and conflict. Also good to have a counselor who has dealt with difficult cases like yours.
Regarding counselors and lawyers, with both searches it is okay to get consultations or interviews so you can pick ones that have the best experience, strategies and approaches. They know they won't get everyone walking in the door as clients.
Have you read
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? William Eddy's handbook is top priority for you. You may think that court will be fair. Sadly, it's not, it follows laws, case law, procedures and policies that often ignore how good you are and how obstructive and negative your spouse is. So thinking "I will show how fair/nice I am" is not a good strategy on it's own. You need many good strategies working together for you. And a good lawyer, a good cousnelor, good local support (family and
trusted friends) and of course peer support such as here.
