Is my nephew is BPD bashing? ...

[wendydarling]

It's a long story …

My eldest nephew (13 years between us) went travelling 15 years ago and suddenly married in South America. They settled here. His young wife had a three year old son who my nephew fathered as his son, they had a son together 10 years ago. From what I learnt from my sister, the marriage became highly troubled and protective order was put in place and my nephew given custody. At this time I shared with my sister I thought his wife had BPD. I've never raised with my nephew. His wife  walked out, in fact she disappeared for a while and when she made contact her eldest refused to see her. They had a highly toxic, long running custody case, still have, with supervised visits. Fast forward my great nephew at 17 disappeared late last year, he'd got on a plane to South America where his maternal Grandma and Auntie live and has spent the year there until now. He arrived back 2 weeks ago and went to stay with his mother as the college he'd enrolled in was near.

I was away working this week and received a text from my sister to say my great nephew had been kicked out by his mother and could I take him in, of course! Home I dash. The first thing he says when he arrives is my Mum has BPD. I thought you've come to the right place  . He did not want to talk further about it.

The complicating matter is my BPDD went to see her female cousin and her new baby 2 weeks ago and my nephew popped by to say hello. Great! No - I learn last night from my BPDDD he was bashing BPD, which is quite shocking considering he knows my DD suffers with BPD. I then receive a call from my sister inviting us to Sunday lunch next week. The purpose is to get my nephew and his two sons together. My great nephew has not seen his younger brother or father since his return from South America two weeks ago.

I can sense my DD feels estranged, anger towards her cousin, she does not understand the pain he's been through and he the stigma and hurt she feels by his comments. My DD is a quiet, gentle pw BPD from how she describes pw BPD she does not understand his hurt and vice versa.

I've not shared the lunch invite with my DD yet, that's for tomorrow. I think it unlikely she'll join us and I'm now thinking that may be a good decision if she feels that way right now. Likely best I go listen to my nephew, help bridge the gap in understanding. To top it all his partner of 2 years left him this week, the attempted, blended family that was is no longer.

I'm mindfully not jumping into the soup, nor will I be dragged.  

Things do get better... .

DD attended the new DBT course on Thursday, there were 15 people under 30. DD was sitting next to a girl who had done it before at this charity. They were the only ones who really participated by trying to reassure the rest of the group how valuable DBT is. I now understand why my DD was invited, she's not in crisis and can give confidence to others, how brilliant is that. She's teaching, bless her, so very proud of her!   Downside is my DD is scathing of the 1990 books I read, I know which books she's talking of, looking forward to that discussion!

That's a snippet of my head spin week that was and why I've not been here much.

Glad to get that out of my head. Supporting great nephew find a shared house with students and some part time work so he can settle.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

WD that is so fantastic that your DD is sharing her skills and experiences to help others . Wow . What a gal ! She’s amazing ❤️

It does sound like having a wee side chat with your nephew is in order. I totally understand he’s been badly hurt by his BPD mom but he also needs to understand that BPD takes many forms and his BPD bashing is hurtful to your gentle daughter .

I’m sure once he understands that , all will be well , and he has the best mentor in you x 

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Goodness, complications aplenty.

I think your daughter is amazing and she’s challenging you WD in your reading!  I wonder if she should train as psychologist or counsellor or something.

Your nephew is hurting right now. I wonder if some of his views has stemmed from his Dad?  It must be difficult to go through such a difficult breakup without making some horrible comments about the ex along the way. Also, it occurs that subconsciously maybe your nephew is scared he may have BPD. My son17 has really had a few moments when he’s questioned his own emotional reactions and compared himself.

I feel for you WD. It’s been a challenging year for you. Onwards we go, mindful of what the problems are and who they belong to. We are fixers by nature! I tell myself it’s “support” - sometimes it is and sometimes it’s a little over the line. It makes me laugh as it’s the external that knock us. You and your daughter are strong internally rocked by the external. I wish I could live on an isolated island sometimes - telling others to just bugger off. Ha! If only life was that easy - famalams are tricky.


LP

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WD,

I was just thinking about your situation at home and wondering how things have progressed with your nephew and daughter.  Did you get him settled into somewhere and what progress did they have in their communication? 

Love and light x

[once removed]

No - I learn last night from my BPDDD he was bashing BPD

where do you think this might be coming from? is he generalizing, or is he bashing his mom?

theres a ton of toxic stuff on the internet. do you think that might be where hes getting it?

[wendydarling]

Thanks guys, oh for a simple life, point me in the direction of the Island LP  …...

Yep, it is amazing how far DD’s come, she’s now week 3 of the 20 DBT skills group sessions (round 2 of DBT skills for those new to my story). No sign of her finding a therapist yet. I think this is key in helping her move forwards, setting herself some goals, she’s avoiding, she needs support. I also have to remember what she presents outwardly is not always how she is feeling.  She describes her life is often in a state of tempestuous turmoil. Some days she just wants to sit and cry. Most often, she says she is irritable as a result of bottling everything up and turning inward. She says she doesn’t share her experience because she fears no one will understand, she will be judged or pushed away. To say this is strange to me as she has a wonderful group of friends, she has shared with and who have supported her these last years and in her darkest of days. I guess it’s how she feels in the moment and that changes what she keeps sight of. It’s autumn here and the days are drawing in, DD struggles with the lack of light, sun, the SAD lamp is out. I think we both need and deserve a break, I’ve been googling the cost of flights to Guyana in the new year, where a friend is presently living.

GN is still with us HQ.  He’s studying politics and philosophy, leading to some interesting conversations over dinner, I’m learning a lot!

We went for the lunch and had a lovely time, my sister, her H, nephew (his exwBPD), two great nephews (GN), DD and me. I did not get chance to speak in private with my nephew re BPD and his comments about his exBPDw DD felt hurt and conflicted by. That's still a conversation to be had and is complicated by the fact nephews his partner of over a year left him, suddenly moved out, the week GN was kickout by his BPDmum. 

once removed I believe my nephew was generalising, he’s been through similar to parents on our Family, Law, Co-parenting board with children. I think he’s smarter than entertaining the toxicity out there. I believe my nephew was venting his frustration about his exBPDw, mother of his children who he’s recently back to co-parenting with, to the wrong person, my DD. I’m confident it'll all come good and these conversations will bring with them all greater understanding and stronger bonds. I’ve planned to meet my nephew next Sunday, we’ll go out for coffee and catch up, I’ll report back.

I did sort out my nephew 'told' me to make sure his son applied for student travel passes. I gracefully handed his responsibility back to him. My nephew and sister also deposited large amounts of money in my bank account. Happy to receive subsistence from nephew for GN, spoke with my sister and have since transferred the money back to her which she’s happy with. GN was set the goal by his father of securing a part time job to pay towards a room in a shared house and living expenses. Once he’s secured a job, his father will support him searching for accommodation. I've been clear a new kitchen will be installed commencing 25 October and it's going to be chaos as flooring will be taken up to lay new gas pipes... .3 week job, possibly longer. If GN fails to get his act together nephew said GN will return to live at home, have a HUGE commute to college every day and miss out the city lifestyle GN is now loving. I’m not sure GN’s taken this on board, nor a timeline set for him. Here we are week 3. No sign of job, he’s just departed to go to meet his father and brother for a day in the city. And a text’s arrived from my sister asking how GN is doing.

Week 2 DD became overwhelmed by GN wanting to spend all his time with her, vying for her attention. She placed a notice on her bedroom door - Do not disturb! And retired for 2 days . She needs a lot of 'her space', quiet time. By day 3 I heard them talking in her bedroom as I was passing. They were talking about BPD, her new DBT class. Later DD shared with me, their conversation was generally positive, though she was concerned by what GN shared with her, his relationship with his Mum, he’s been through a lot. They’ll a lot from each other.

Meanwhile DD's long time best girlfriend of 15 years hit crisis this week, she's been struggling for a while, she reduced to a four day working week earlier in the year, seeing a psychiatrist.  She manages her bipolar, it seems more than this perhaps. I'm not sure what's triggered this crisis. She's flown home to her Mum (another country) and apparently is not coming back so DD is distraught, trying to process, accept she's not coming back. Her friends flat is a few hundred yards down the road from us, DD's been staying there cat sitting, crying and taking part in Inktober. She’s staying over the weekend and has offered to help with errands, jobs, the front garden which is being landscaped Sunday, Monday, new turf, hurray.   

Yikes I have the house to myself today, I’m grateful for that.

Let's see what the week ahead brings.

WDx

[Only Human]

Hi wendydarling 

I read your update quickly early this morning and have been thinking of it off and on all day. You inspire me every day, thanks for sharing your stories.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Thanks OH I appreciate your kindness and support, there are so many similarities of all our stories here on the board, while unique to our personal situations, we learn from each other and how to manage the complexity.

Today there were offerings  My GN arrived home earlier than I expected, mid afternoon? I asked if he'd enjoyed his museum trip, he had. I asked how his Father and brother were, they're well. Then he said he left early, walked out as his Father was on one, he's not shared what happened. I'm guessing his Dad's set the goal he likely should have 3 weeks ago. To focus on getting a job, then he'll help GN find accommodation and provide an allowance, top up. There is a miss in communication, guidance, offer of support coupled with GN is also not listening, his head is in the clouds, he feels independent camping at mine. Bam.

My GN is full of bravado, he's come back to the UK to study and then go back to South America, he loves it there.

he says he never makes plans, lives day by day. Every now and then he shows his vulnerability and he certainly relates to that in my DD. DD popped back home while we were having dinner, for an hour to do jobs. He's so needing her.

Here on Saturday night wondering how the exit ball may fall?

WDx