First Post. Lost. Confused.

[Lost_in_nc]

First post. I have been reading and feel lost and like nobody gets what I am going through. I met my ex at work. She was sweet charming and her spirit caught my soul. I resisted anything with her since we worked together but she wore me down. Insisting no problems and being so sweet. Pretty much immediately she started sending me “sexy” pics that escalated in nature. She consumed my life. We rode to work together. Worked together. She would text or FaceTime from when I woke till I went to sleep. I mean thousands of text a day on top of spending 13 hours a day together. Had me neglecting my kids for her. Pushing me to say I loved her. I told her. I care you deeply. But I don’t want to say I love you again to a woman till I meant it and knew I wanted a serious if not marriage relationship. She pushed. I was always affectionate and dedicated to her needs.
I would ask about her past and she would never answer. I could not get to know her beyond the present. She hates her mother. Never said why.
I know trauma in her childhood. She shared the day she broke up with me. When she broke up. I cried. Told her I loved her. She said too late.
Had new friend in less than week. Kept telling me for months just friends. Nothing going on. Wanted to concentrate on being a better mom. For 10 months we have been going back in forth. She would say I have no feelings. Not coming back. I should move on with my life. But then would say if we were friends at work only she might get feelings back. I tired. But she would lie. Kept escalating things with friend who is married. And serial cheater. Worse is his wife destroys the other woman when she finds out. She keeps saying everything my fault and if I would have said I love you we would be together. Blames me for everything and over time her narrative changed on past events.
I went no contact. She confronts me all angry and says she can play this game longer than I can. She will bait me into confrontation and knows mentions new guy I will argue and give her attention. People at work have told me she is “mentally ill” and to run. I can’t. I love her. I have a fixer personality. But I feel she got in deep and I hurt.
I question myself like I want her to be BPD and I’m just not rejected.
She has no friends. Loses them. I’ve seen her go after in helaisu manipulation other women at work and had run a few off with tactics.
Never talks on past. Talks to everyone like she is their mother and men have left over that complaint. She has to be center of attention. Smarter person in the room. Highly competitive on stupid stuff. Has to have the best.
Yet I still love her and she says she is broken and knows she hurts me. Will not look me in the eyes. She looks sad and talks low and sad around me. But if others around over the top laughter.
Sh said she was over for 10 months but kept stuff on her desk I gave her. I took mine down 3 weeks ago cause felt I could let go. Move on. She takes her down and angrily confronts me about erasing her out of my life.
Thanks for lettting me talk and being there. Hurts. But I know she can’t be trusted. She cheated on last husband. Always told me other guys hitting on her. I know bad. But still. It is her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc



Sounds like you are having quite a tough time! Would you describe yourself as currently in a relationship or trying to get one back? Did she end the relationship with you?

It sounds like you have strong feelings for this person, but are not sure about the relationship overall. Is that correct?

Have you had a chance to review the lessons to the right of the board here to get a better handle on things?  Understand the illness, see if anything matches up in what you have observed in her behavior?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

Thank you, she ended it. I want her back in my life. I have noticed a lot of behavior. From the beginning she told me she was using bad thoughts to dislike me. Said it is something she just does. She started seeing a married guy few weeks after she ended it and kept telling mecjust friends. However she kept pushing me further away and having me be there to do things for her while from my vantage spending more time with him. She keeps telling me no feelings and to move on but keeps going through my office just looking through stuff when I am out. She also keeps blaming the abrupt breakup on me. Yet will tell me if I remain friends and help her at work maybe sh will fall back in love.
Now says has crush on new guy. But not going to do anything. Before I read this I kept asking her how could she say I was the one but now treat me so poorly. She thrives on attention and when I don’t give it to her she throws other guy in my face which I am not proud of but will get a reaction out of me.
I even told her I wanted to marry her. She cried. Looked sad and said no. She said she is broken. Has feelings for other guy. I hurt her. I ask her if she thought she hurt me. She can’t recall anything she did to me. Says her life is falling apart. She needs me as a friend. But then she looks fine when other guy is around. Then totally ignores me around him. For now I am doing no contact. Been hard. Work in same office.
When she gets near me. Won’t look me in the eye, voice soft. Looks sad.

[Lost_in_nc]

I’m going to read stuff to the right now.
Thanks again guys. Having tough time.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

So you would want her as a friend or to date again? Would dating a co-worker be risky for you in the long run, especially if this does not work out?

You saw each other over a 10 mo. time period? Or am I misunderstanding?

Does she date other guys at your workplace too? Or you don't know the other guys she's seeing?

Sorry you are feeling so bad! Relationships can be very confusing and painful at times! 

take care, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

Thank you Pearl

We dated 2 years. Been “broken up” 10 months. However during this 10 been more or less going back and forth with battle of wills. Neither of us willing to walk away but not exactly dating.

So, past 6 weeks very little contact. Yes I know other guy. He does not work with us, however she would if she found a suitor. Other guy is married and his wife will go beserk if she finds out. I am NOT hoping that happens. Would be bad for her and I would hate to see her hurt more
I love her very much and this isn’t fleeting. I honestly carecfor her and her kids.

Reading stuff on right. Would have been so much more helpful but I honestly didn’t realize something was wrong till speaking with a friend who suffers from BPD.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

Thanks for the extra info.! So, for the last 10 mo's still attracted, a battle of wills, not able to be together, or quite let go. She is seeing a married guy. Does she go on dates with you too? Do you spend time together? Talk?

Can you describe "the battle of wills" a bit more? What are the sticking points between you two?

take care, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

No dates. Pretty much no contact right now. Just awkwardness and I think neither knowing what to do.
I have caught her in a few lies. I think she knows I have and feels shame about how she is treating me. Just a guess I have no idea what anyone is thinking.

Battle of wills. Was shecsaid she knew I wanted more. Wanted to work on us. She said fine. But kept pursuing more with other guy. All the while saying I was crazy and nothing going on. Yet she wants to be friends so I will help her at work. Look out for her.
Others at work who are aware of our relationship say she is crazy and I should run and go zero contact. But I see her in their and can’t wlak away.

Battle of wills was her saying move on. She lost feelings never coming back. But texting and wanting to be close at work yet when other guy comes around ignore me completely.
I feel I should walk away but I make excuses and maybe lie to myself. I guess hard to believe ah never loved me as much as she said and the way she looked at me to now she won’t even look at me.
We have spoken for hours. Yet until I decided I can’t do this anymore. I am drained neither of us would say they were done.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

Would you say she sends you mixed signals? Seems to want more than friendship, then cools off because of the other guy?

Would she spend time with you outside of work if you asked?

Do you think she just might want a friendship with you? Would you want just that if that was all that was possible?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

She sends mixed signals. I don’t think she knows what she wants. She has said in past her worst fear is me hating her.

I would be fine with friendship as long as I felt I could have boundaries.
Coworkers tell me I’m blind to her and a she has had a few women quit because  they say something dark inside and very competitive where she shouldn’t be. I’m not sure I see clearly. Hoping there is good in there. But don’t want her to be alone and afraid. Maybe I’m in over my head?

[pearlsw]

She sends mixed signals. I don’t think she knows what she wants. She has said in past her worst fear is me hating her.

I would be fine with friendship as long as I felt I could have boundaries.
Coworkers tell me I’m blind to her and a she has had a few women quit because  they say something dark inside and very competitive where she shouldn’t be. I’m not sure I see clearly. Hoping there is good in there. But don’t want her to be alone and afraid. Maybe I’m in over my head?

Hi Lost_in_nc,

What kind of boundaries would you want to have?

Can you talk about the "good" side of her?

What is making you doubt how you see things?

You see her as being alone and afraid? Are you wanting to rescue her in a way? Or?

sincerely, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

It has been pointed out by friends I look for women to reduce. I am a giver. To my own detriment.

I guess on boundaries knowing she is being a friend and not manipulating or just being friends so I will look out for or do things for her.

Good things. I felt she is first woman who saw me. Sweet mad kind. But then I saw evil some times. Like a few people in there. Always fun to be around. Well I’m past. As of late like different person.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

Have you been seeing others too in this 10 mo. time frame, or pretty focused on her and wanting her back?

Do you feel you give in healthy ways or is your giving in relationships a bit lop-sided would you say?

Do you feel manipulated by her at work? Or just in general? Do you feel she is using you somehow? Or is there genuine friendship there?

What did she "see" that you feel hadn't been seen before? Do you have much other relationship experience?

take care, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

I have been on a few dates. But they arent her.
I am 44. Been married. Never been like this. I am a giving person. I have been told I can be a little intense in the past. But I am a giving guy in healthy way I think.

I feel manipulated at work and others have come to me and pointed it out also.

I guess she saw the guy who has always pushed out love. I just never expected I could feel this way toward anybody. She bought out the best in me. Yet was all consuming.  It her her all day. 1000s text a day while working together. Had me neglecting everyone for her. I was consumed.
Her complaint. I didn’t give enough.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

Have you heard of the term "love bombing"? Where the person comes on REALLY strong at the beginning, is very intense?

This can make things very confusing because we get all this love and attention and then it gets taken away... .and then sometimes given back, and then taken away again.

What kinds of BPD symptoms did she seem to have in your estimation?

Oh yes, many people who have not been in such situations will find it hard to understand many aspects of such relationships!

sincerely, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

Yes. A friend pointed out love bombing. I definitely got that. She came on hard, fast and all consuming.

What I observed, she has no friends from childhood. Loses friends fast when she makes them. They are either great or they leave her. Pretty much all women dislike her. She has to be the center of attention. Talks down to people like their mother. Switches between intense arguments and back to sweet. Multiple affairs with married men while she was married. Wow. When I type this I think what am I thinking? Lies for no apparent reason in small stuff.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lost_in_nc,

What about her attracts her at this point? Would she go out on a date with you?

What did your friends mean by "you look for women to reduce"?

warmly, pearl.

[Lost_in_nc]

Typo. Rescue.

Right now she probably would not. I’m currently no contact and she is no contact. Just stares at floor when I am near. She is mad I cut her off. She thrives on attention and all coworkers avoid her. ( I had no hand in that. Just there own observations.

I have tried to get her to go out and talk. She just says I hurt her. However from when we broke up to now thecstory and reasons have changed. She has split me.

Last we spoke. I was calm. Told her I was there as a friend. She went into victim mode and felt she had to tell me about affair with married guy again. So said some hurtful things to her in anger. I regretted it instantly. I have no idea what to do or if salvageable.
But I miss her.

[pearlsw]

Typo. Rescue.

But I miss her.

Oh!  Got it!

The important thing, I think, if you do talk, is to listen and stay in control of your own emotions. It is really important not to add fuel to the fire!

You see her all the time at work? Could you invite her to lunch or for a coffee after work? Instead of having a relationship talk, best not to go there too soon, how about some casual friendly time together? One of you would have to break the ice for any change to happen.

Sounds like she could use a friend if all are shunning her.

About "rescuing" is this something you have a tendency towards? What is that about if I may ask?

take care, pearl.