My man’s currently slamming dishes

[123abc]

Moved in with my boyfriend who I’m 99% sure has BPD about a month ago.

Everything is fine and then it’s not. We had a great dinner and I went outside for a smoke. Suddenly I hear him yelling “f , f ” and slamming dishes.

I don’t even want to go inside. I’m so sick of this and he won’t get help. All I can do is tell myself that I cannot allow his mood to dictate mine, but that’s it. How do you tolerate it? He’s so perfect and lovely otherwie but my need to emotionally distance myself from him and his emotions puts a strain on our relationship and sex life.

I’m new to this.

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At 2:00 AM. Wow. Can you tell us more?

[123abc]

At 2:00 AM. Wow. Can you tell us more?

He is never abusive toward me or our pets, but he is miserable nonetheless.

I have discussed the possibility that he may have BPD and he admits he has looked into it but since he has tried therapists and medication for severe depression years ago, he feels that it will not help. Plus he hates the idea of medication. He refuses to get help.

One moment everything is fine and the next, for no reason, it isn’t.

It could be as mild as constantly sighing and holding his head in his hands, to full blown freak outs.

He scratches his own skin to bleeding and punches himself in his face, chest and thighs. He is constantly covered in black and purple bruises. Sometimes I hear him sitting in his car or the living room punching himself over and over again. He once had an episode where he punched himself in the face so severely his cheek and eye were the size of a cantaloupe.

He’s constantly saying “sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry” but won’t say why. He pulls his own hair out and several times a week randomly decides that I hate him and he needs to leave somewhere. Then he ends up swerving around the roads, driving recklessly and speeding before getting pulled over. Last week he had to do a field sobriety test because the officer thought he must have been drunk. He was dead sober, just having one of his psychotic, terrifying episodes.

He refuses to say what he’s thinking or what’s bothering him. Something as simple as being out of coffee will put him into a fit. It’s not directed at me, but I’m so sick and tired of trying to mediate him and his own insane and irrational emotions and trying to keep myself from feeling miserable with him.

I have my own depression and anxiety issues I am currently taking medication for, but if I show anything but happiness and serenity he believes it’s his fault and it will cause a fit, even though I’m very honest and communicative about everything. Now I simply learn to pretend because I don’t want to deal with it.

There’s too much to post. I don’t know what to do about him. How do you manage to live with somebody with these issues without compromising your own happiness? How do you listen to 2 minutes of loud sighing and then doors slamming while sill being emotionally okay?

Thanks in advance.

[123abc]

I want to clarify that I am asking because, contrary to what he thinks, I DO care deeply for him. He is funny, smart, loving, generous, good-hearted, adventurous, open-minded and beautiful to look at. I want desperately to make it work, I just don’t want to see him so desperately miserable and I don’t want to get dragged down with him either.

[once removed]

I have my own depression and anxiety issues

for a person with anxiety, seeing a loved one hurt themselves, or go into a dysregulated fit is really hard.

but since he has tried therapists and medication for severe depression years ago, he feels that it will not help. Plus he hates the idea of medication. He refuses to get help.

do you know if he would be open to couples therapy?

how are things going the past few days?

[123abc]

for a person with anxiety, seeing a loved one hurt themselves, or go into a dysregulated fit is really hard.

do you know if he would be open to couples therapy?

how are things going the past few days?

It never gets better. About 10 mn ago he lost it. His cat has a peeing problem and he peed on a blanket. He lost his mind, tossed the cat in the bedroom, started punching himself in the face and yelling “___” and then got in his car and peeled out.

Every little thing sets him off. Yesterday he scratched his own neck bloody and turned over a bunch of heavy carts at work because a girl said she didn’t want him to be a part of her conversation about her ex because she was afraid he would make a joke that would hurt her feelings.

I could bring up couples therapy but I’m afraid he will think it’s because I’m not happy with him and set off another chain reaction.

Last night o told him he needed therapy and he seemed unsure. How does he not see that this isn’t normal?

[Radcliff]

Last night o told him he needed therapy and he seemed unsure. How does he not see that this isn’t normal?

Many pwBPD blow up when their partners mention therapy, so him simply being uncertain may be a sign that he is open to your influence (though if you were to apply too much pressure, you'd likely get a backlash).  His self-harming behaviors are impairing his ability to function, which may actually make him more willing to seek help.  You asked why he doesn't see that what he is doing is abnormal.  Since his behaviors are so non-functional, and nobody else is likely tipping over carts at work or walking around with bruises, on some level, he may understand.  But there's a term, "anosognosia" that describes the situation when a person with mental illness does not understand they have it.

To learn more about anosognosia, I think you would find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy.  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past unawareness of a mental illness and into therapy.  The video is long -- an hour and forty minutes -- and the example he uses is about schizophrenia, but I was patient and watched the whole thing, and am glad I did.  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  In the video, he says that one of two things needs to happen to make it likely for someone to stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (usually not going to happen), and 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  

You mentioned that he doesn't want to take drugs.  The most effective therapy for BPD is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and does not involve drugs.  It is a cognitive behavioral modification approach that was specifically developed for people with BPD who were exhibiting self-harming behaviors.  This page discusses Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and includes a 45-minute video that introduces BPD and talks about how effective treatment can be.

How did the situation with slamming dishes at 2am end?  Did you wait until he stopped?  How long did that take?  Do you feel physically safe?  Does he drive recklessly with you in the car?

RC

[123abc]

Many pwBPD blow up when their partners mention therapy, so him simply being uncertain may be a sign that he is open to your influence (though if you were to apply too much pressure, you'd likely get a backlash).  His self-harming behaviors are impairing his ability to function, which may actually make him more willing to seek help.  You asked why he doesn't see that what he is doing is abnormal.  Since his behaviors are so non-functional, and nobody else is likely tipping over carts at work or walking around with bruises, on some level, he may understand.  But there's a term, "anosognosia" that describes the situation when a person with mental illness does not understand they have it.

To learn more about anosognosia, I think you would find it valuable to look at this page on how to get a borderline into therapy.  There's a video at the end by a clinical researcher who figured out how best to approach the challenge of getting someone to get past unawareness of a mental illness and into therapy.  The video is long -- an hour and forty minutes -- and the example he uses is about schizophrenia, but I was patient and watched the whole thing, and am glad I did.  He drops a nugget 37 minutes in, and finally gets down to business at about 1:19.  In the video, he says that one of two things needs to happen to make it likely for someone to stay in treatment:  1. Awareness that they have a mental illness (usually not going to happen), and 2. A relationship with someone who listens without judgement and thinks they'll benefit from treatment.  

You mentioned that he doesn't want to take drugs.  The most effective therapy for BPD is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and does not involve drugs.  It is a cognitive behavioral modification approach that was specifically developed for people with BPD who were exhibiting self-harming behaviors.  This page discusses Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and includes a 45-minute video that introduces BPD and talks about how effective treatment can be.

How did the situation with slamming dishes at 2am end?  Did you wait until he stopped?  How long did that take?  Do you feel physically safe?  Does he drive recklessly with you in the car?

RC

Thank you for your help. The slamming of the dishes ended with him playing video games for two hours and then coming to bed. I often encourage him to play video games because it gives him something to do, but even that backfires often because he gets mad at the game. It

I feel safe. He has never directed his anger at me in any way, unless it’s to tell me that I don’t care about him and that he is leaving because I don’t give a ___. I have sometimes wondered if he will eventually go full bat___ and shoot us both, but over a year later and he has never laid a hand on me or threatened me in any way.

He often drives recklessly with me in the car because parking/traffic/etc really sets him off. He only got his license a few years ago and is a terrible driver so this adds to the stress.

I usually remain 100% calm with him in his outbursts but tonight I let loose and feel bad about it. I told him that his behavior was not normal and that I worried for him every day. I told him that I was going to make an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow and that I didn’t care what he thought about it, that he was going to go to those appointments. I told him that livin this way and hoping it will get better is like a diabetic person hoping his illness will simply fade instead of seeking the appropriate treatment.

My house is full of anger and yelling and door slamming and negativity constantly and I’m sick of it. I don’t want to live this way either. I know he can’t help it but if he won’t go and get help for himself then I don’t know what to do. I can take it if I know he’s trying, but if I don’t make him go he never will. He needs to try.

This was all over a cat who peed on a blanket it’s so stupid. If I were him I would be thinking about how totally dumb it is to be acting this way over something so ___ing menial. But maybe he just doesn’t get it. I don’t know. It’s every single day and I can’t even escape it at work because we work together.

My man is so lovely and so miserably awful at the same time.

[Coastered]

One moment everything is fine and the next, for no reason, it isn’t.

It could be as mild as constantly sighing and holding his head in his hands, to full blown freak outs.

Wow, something I know, sorry knew, only to well.  Its why 'walking on eggshells' resonates so much.

It really is a desperate, exhausting and painful exsistence to live but with the right tools and therapy it is achievable.

Have you thought about yourself for a moment, I knew that when I was going through it I lost weight, became depressed, cried constantly and just laid on my bed wondering how the latest blow up happened.  THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.

This is about him, not you.  If you give everything to him you will lose who you are and that cannot continue.  Read up on the articles on the right hand side.  Ask away here and we will help and support you.

It is possible to make this work but it will be very, very difficult and you need to be in for a long and arduous struggle.

So I must ask, however horrible it might sound... . Is he, or the relationship worth it?  You need to think long and hard about that before you go ahead.  What brought you here?  Did you google what was happened and BPD appeared in the search results?

How do you manage to live with somebody with these issues without compromising your own happiness? How do you listen to 2 minutes of loud sighing and then doors slamming while sill being emotionally okay?

Eventually you don't, it will affect you mentally and physically.  You need to get help or learn coping strategies, without them you will slowly lose who you are.  Books like WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, I HATE YOU DONT LEAVE ME, and HIGH CONFLICT RELATIONSHIPS and of course this forum will give you coping strategies.  Without these in place sadly most relationships like this fail eventually.

Doing this alone, and without learning about the disorder and most people do suffer alone, will be very very difficult.

Wishing you the very best.

[Radcliff]

You are on the Bettering board, so we're here to support you with all the tools to take this relationship as far as you can.  There's a lot you can do to reduce the wear and tear on yourself and avoid making things worse.  One of the first things I'd advise learning, is how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Just mastering this technique can reduce conflict in a way that you really notice quickly.  You can also take a look at this Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.  Do those tools look like they might apply in your situation?

When you spoke of the psychologist, how did he respond?  Did he seem like he might follow your lead?

RC