I Too Experienced Suicide of BPD mother

[DaughterBPDmom]

Mod Note:  this thread was split from a thread posted a couple of years ago by DrainedDaughter.

I too lost my BPD mom to suicide over three years ago. I witnessed her death. It’s been traumatizing before, during and since her death. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but you have my complete empathy.

[Learning2Thrive]

I too lost my BPD mom to suicide over three years ago. I witnessed her death. It’s been traumatizing before, during and since her death. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but you have my complete empathy.

Hi DaughterBPDmom, I see this is your first post. I’m so very sorry for your experience with your mom’s suicide, but I am glad you’ve found us and posted here. I think you’ll fid that spending time with people who are able to empathize and who also understand what it’s like to be raised by a BPD mother will make a difference. 

I would also like to encourage you to start a new thread of your own so we may get to know you a little better.

  L2T

[Fie]

Drained Daughter,


This must be a strange and surreal time for you. The loss of your mum and the birth of your daughter.

Please accept my condolences but also my congrats for your new child.

You are saying that you are grieving. You also are saying that you feel like it is finally over. You probably know this but I wanted to reaffirm it, just to be sure ... it is perfectly alright to be happy with your child, and to somehow feel a relieve that you are as you said 'free'. I probably would feel that.


@DaughterBPDmom,
Welcome on these boards !
I don't know if you have been reading on here for a while, or if you are really very new. It is always difficult to introduce ourselves because sometimes we just don't know what to say, what to pick out from our lives that we could talk about ... .it is very much ok if you open a post and just say anything at all, just a 'Hi' will do. We would love to hear from you - that is, if you are ready for that. No stress  ;)

[OceanRow]

Hi there,

I know this is an old thread but, probably like DaughterBPDmom, I just searched the forum for people who may have lost a BPD parent to suicide. I lost my mother this way in February. I posted about it back at the time but have avoided the boards ever since as the whole situation has just been so painful. Even though there was always an underlying threat of this happening, I still feel shocked and tremendously guilty about what happened.

I just wanted to let DaughterBPDmom (and others) know that she is not alone with this terrible burden and also to extend my condolences to Drained Daughter for her loss (which although not recent I'm sure is still difficult to deal with).

xx

[Panda39]

Hi OceanRow,

It's nice of you to touch base with DaughterBPDmom, sadly you are not alone.

How have you been doing?  I can hear the sadness your post. 

DaughterBPDmom that question goes out to you too.  How have you been doing?

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

DaughterBPDmom,

I'm glad you shared this with us, and I am very sad for you. I cannot imagine what you have gone through.   My uBPDm often threatened, and my dad threatened too. Those are things we don't ever forget.

OceanRow,

How are you doing? I have thought of you often. Hugs to you as well. 

Wools

[OceanRow]

Thank you so much for asking after me Wools and Panda39. I feel like I am emerging now from some kind of awful fog and looking back I really wonder how I got through the last couple of years.

The constant fear, worry and guilt I used to feel about my mum is now replaced by massive guilt about how she died. However, and I feel horrible saying this,  I do feel more free now in a sense. I am able to make arrangements in advance and don't feel sick when my phone rings or beeps. So all in all, a total rollercoaster!

I managed to find and reread my thread from February and it's funny that it contains details I had entirely forgotten. I was obviously in shock at the time. I also reread the many lovely, kind and thoughtful responses which I appreciate as much today as I did at the time. They brought genuine comfort to me so I really appreciate that people took the time to respond.

DaughterBPDmom, I hope you are ok. I can't imagine the horror of witnessing what you did. Unimaginably awful. Hang in there.

Take care all! I will keep reading and posting a bit more now I think.

xx

[Harri]

However, and I feel horrible saying this,  I do feel more free now in a sense. I am able to make arrangements in advance and don't feel sick when my phone rings or beeps. So all in all, a total rollercoaster!

I can understand this and I do not think it is horrible at all, though i understand that feeling as well.  I would imagine there is a great sense of relief, not having to worry.  The removal of that pressure feels freeing but there is such sadness as well.  It is so complex. 

I am glad you came back and I hope to see you more often.  It takes time to work this through and I think you have done very well. 

[Panda39]

Hi Oceanrow,

Your conflicted feelings guilt and relief make complete sense to me.  You don't miss the dysfunctional behavior but you do miss your mom.

In terms of the guilt about your mom's death, that is going to take time to process, but at the risk of being invalidating I will say that the only people we truly control is ourselves and I hope you will keep that in mind. 

What have you been doing to take care of yourself since your mom died?  What have you found to be beneficial?

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

OceanRow,

So glad you have come back to visit with us.   

It is a journey, and we are all on it. When my mom died, I also felt relief and the guilt of wondering how I could feel that way. Yet my siblings also felt this too, and we knew our uBPDm was finally released from all that controlled her. I know this is probably strange to say, but most of the time I don't miss her. There was so much pain and wounding and hypervigilance in my life. I also don't miss the phone ringing!

DaughterBPDmom,

How are you doing? Just checking in on you. 

Wools