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Author Topic: Stuck - please help  (Read 520 times)
Sky07
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« on: September 20, 2018, 06:04:16 AM »

Hi everyone,

I am new, haven't posted since my last 2 posts months ago. I have still been around though, reading all the topics.

I have been in therapy ever since the breakup, going once a week, sometimes even twice a week.

My ex is diagnosed BPD, we had a short relationship of 10 months. It ended with her accusing me of being abusive and that cut me to the core, it destroyed me. It has destroyed some of my friendships as well, and I also isolated myself because I was ashamed of being abusive, like 'how could I do this to someone I love?'

After urging my therapist to find a way to fix me being abusive, she tells me I am not. I kept printing messages where I was angry with my ex and showed it to her to prove to her that I was abusive and as long as she doesn't take that seriously, I'm not going to be able to get better. I was traumatised by the breakup and had to go to EMDR. Months of rehashing messages and my therapist still stands her ground that I am not abusive.

On my search for answers, I found this blog of my ex and it was so horrible to read. It was full of hurtful things about me being abusive and hurting them. I showed it to my therapist and she read some of it. I thought I had more proof to show that I am abusive and now my therapist would "get it". Instead she deconstructed the whole thing and says that now she understands why I am so stuck on the label "abusive" because abuse is the only thing my ex talks about all over that blog.

All over the blog, my ex says I am abusive, her mom is abusive and after having gone through the abuse from me, now she can see how her dad is abusive too. My therapist says that she sees everything through the lens of abuse. That even simple things get blown out of proportion and is seen as abusive. She tells me my ex is a "classic" BPD. That when she read the posts, she could see that my ex got angry if I did things wrong but at the same time, if I need things right, it made the ex feel disempowered and weak and the ex felt that was abusive and manipulative too. My therapist basically said "if you do it, you are damned, if you don't  do it, you are damned. What you do right is wrong, what you do wrong is very wrong. After reading all of this, I feel there is no win for you, Sky."

Thing is when I read the posts here about you all pwBPD, some of you say "I got out of this abusive relationship and went NC! Best thing I have ever done!" and it hits me like a slap every single time because I feel I am that abusive person that everyone should run away from. My ex went NC with me. I'm feeling so stuck, please help me.

~ Sky

P.S: I should note that my therapist made me do a PAI because she was sure I had nothing while I was thinking maybe I am the one who is Borderline. Everything was in normal ranges and she even pointed out the Aggressitivy part which was in normal ranges (to show me I am not abusive) and the Dominance part, which was in normal ranges too (to show me I am not controlling)
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2018, 07:54:47 AM »

Dear Sky07,

I’m sorry you have been struggling so much with this.  I think it is very wise of you to have sought therapy to help answer your questions.

Many of us have suspected that we may, in fact, be causing the problems one our relationship.  It’s almost easier to believe that we have a problem because we can get help and fix ourselves.  The hard thing to accept is that we cannot fix our pwBPD.  They have to do that for themselves, or not.

The point of no contact is to get space so that we can work on ourselves without the distraction of arguments, pleas, criticism from the person we are trying to detach from.  It is not supposed to be a form of punishment.  

What does your therapist suggest you do in order to get closure?  What can you do to focus more on taking care of yourself?

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway
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Sky07
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 09:14:37 AM »

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

Thank you for your reply.

My therapist understands that there hasn't been any closure and she entertains me and goes through any message thread between me and my ex or posts on the blog if I feel it is important and listens to my concerns but we are slowly moving away from the topic of my ex. We were already moving away until I found that anonymous blog of my ex and knew it was her and the hurtful things said about me on there made me have a relapse and my T and I worked on that together.

I am trying to focus more on myself, i do sports, work extra hours, try to meet up with friends who are not in the same circle as my ex. The problem is I cannot shake that label "abusive" from my being and the fact that there are people out there who believe I am abusive, some friends, my ex's friends, and my ex who is someone I loved so much, tears me apart in ways I never imagined.

My T, who is unbiased, knows her stuff and has made me do all the tests, is the one I should believe when she says I am not abusive but why can't I? Why am I still stuck?

~ Sky
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 10:50:13 PM »

Hey there, Sky07,

That's progress to be moving away from the topic of your ex during therapy.  I have often been frustrated to spend so much of my therapy time with my ex as the focus.  But, as you have discovered, desometimes events/discoveries can give us a temporary setback.

I have been stuck myself, not trusting my own version of events.  I don't know if you journal, but it has helped me.  Writing your own truth, seeing it in writing is a powerful thing.

Keep focuswow on yourself and your recovery.

Mustbeabetterway
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Sky07
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2018, 11:24:01 PM »

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

I have started journaling and it has helped a lot. I cannot believe how easily I am filling up these pages. I write about my sessions and what my therapist says and tries to get me to understand.

Me still seeing this label "abusive" is making me have a lot of trouble facing friends so I have been avoiding meeting people who are in the same circle as my ex. It's affecting me a lot. Do you have any idea what I can do about it?

My ex went NC with me. To be discarded like that and just erased out of her existence was really traumatising and I learnt she got a new crush 1 month after the breakup. How? How is it that I cannot move on, that I am having to go to therapy and I don't think I will be in a relationship anytime soon and she is off falling for other people already?

~ Sky
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JNChell
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2018, 09:03:20 PM »

Hey there, Sky07. I’ve read through this a couple of times. Breathe easy.

It ended with her accusing me of being abusive and that cut me to the core, it destroyed me.

Let’s become objective here and try to let that override your emotions momentarily. It’s possible that your ex is projecting what she did to you, onto you. Are you familiar with projection? I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. You’re with peers here that have gone or are going through a very similar journey. I’m sorry for the friendships that you lost. This is also a fairly common aspect of having a relationship with an emotionally manipulative and abusive partner.

You’re very adamant on the perception that you abused your ex. If I’m correct, you tried to get your therapist to tell you that you were abusing your ex. If this is so, how did you abuse her?

It ended with her accusing me of being abusive and that cut me to the core, it destroyed me.

Did you feel abused at any point throughout the relationship?

P.S: I should note that my therapist made me do a PAI because she was sure I had nothing while I was thinking maybe I am the one who is Borderline. Everything was in normal ranges and she even pointed out the Aggressitivy part which was in normal ranges (to show me I am not abusive) and the Dominance part, which was in normal ranges too (to show me I am not controlling)

Do you trust your therapist?
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Sky07
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2018, 01:25:39 AM »

Thank you for your reply, JNChell. I tried my best to answer your questions.

Hey there, Sky07. I’ve read through this a couple of times. Breathe easy.

It ended with her accusing me of being abusive and that cut me to the core, it destroyed me.

Let’s become objective here and try to let that override your emotions momentarily. It’s possible that your ex is projecting what she did to you, onto you. Are you familiar with projection? I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. You’re with peers here that have gone or are going through a very similar journey. I’m sorry for the friendships that you lost. This is also a fairly common aspect of having a relationship with an emotionally manipulative and abusive partner.

You’re very adamant on the perception that you abused your ex. If I’m correct, you tried to get your therapist to tell you that you were abusing your ex. If this is so, how did you abuse her?

Well JNChell, when I asked her what she meant, she pulled out her phone and showed me a list of abusive behaviours from a website. She said I gaslit her which I didn't know what she meant by that because I didn't know what the word meant. She said I made mean comments about her and said it was a joke. Here, I agree, I did that but it were really just jokes and she does it to me too. She said I am controlling, telling her what to do and things but I was just giving solutions to her problems and some of the stuff I told her to do, I had legit reasons behind those and I explained that to my therapist.

It ended with her accusing me of being abusive and that cut me to the core, it destroyed me.

Did you feel abused at any point throughout the relationship?

I don't know... .I felt like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and what I needed wasn't important enough. She needed space all the time and I want to spend time with my partner. I tried to come to a compromise. She was always tired, sick or whatever when we had to do things, cancelling at the last minute. It frustrated me as I asked myself why is it so hard to get someone who loves me to spend time with me? Because she was always tired, sick etc, everything had to basically be done on her terms, how much we meet, how much we talk, what do we do etc.

In my EMDR session, my therapist told me to say my above frustrations out loud. I tried saying it but my T said I was being too polite. She told me to bring out the frustration and anger but I struggled, because I was trying so hard to stiffle those because I didn't want to be abusive anymore. When I finished saying my frustrations out loud, she said "Can't you see you are not the abusive one here?". This was quite weird for me, I keep thinking about it. My ex uses the word abuse easily. I don't do the same so saying I was abused in this relationship is hard.

P.S: I should note that my therapist made me do a PAI because she was sure I had nothing while I was thinking maybe I am the one who is Borderline. Everything was in normal ranges and she even pointed out the Aggressitivy part which was in normal ranges (to show me I am not abusive) and the Dominance part, which was in normal ranges too (to show me I am not controlling)

Do you trust your therapist?

I do trust my therapist. She has been really helpful to me and I have never been as open to anyone as I have with her.

~ Sky
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In a bad way
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2018, 07:57:16 AM »

Sky07

It all sounds like what happened to me, it's not you it's her projecting it onto you.
Mine was brilliant at it, I was in the same boat as in my trying to help her with her problems she accused me of trying to control her, I like you was affected by her problems so of course I tried to help her also because I loved her.
She was too weak to deal with the people who were causing her and our problems but she was very abusive towards me, taking her frustrations out on me and blaming me for everything.
When I had days of abuse and verbally abused her back which anyone will because we all have a breaking point she would then say "I told you that you are an angry abusive man!"
Sounds to me like she gaslit you.
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Sky07
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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2018, 08:20:36 AM »

Sky07

It all sounds like what happened to me, it's not you it's her projecting it onto you.
Mine was brilliant at it, I was in the same boat as in my trying to help her with her problems she accused me of trying to control her, I like you was affected by her problems so of course I tried to help her also because I loved her.
She was too weak to deal with the people who were causing her and our problems but she was very abusive towards me, taking her frustrations out on me and blaming me for everything.
When I had days of abuse and verbally abused her back which anyone will because we all have a breaking point she would then say "I told you that you are an angry abusive man!"
Sounds to me like she gaslit you.

Hi In a bad way,

Thanks for your reply.

My ex is diagnosed BPD and yet, I cannot seem to accept that she could do this to me, so I just end up blaming myself. What do I do? She called out things I did when I was a kid even to back her accusations. But I'm an adult now, I'm 26, working full-time. She is a 20 year old struggling to even be at university because she is too mentally ill to do her assignments. Yet I give more weight to what she said. Her accusations are not completely crazy that it is possible to just shrug them off, they have some basis in them. My therapist keeps telling me to put it in context and that what my ex is saying is blown out of proportion but why is it hard for me to accept?

Here I am, stuck while despite talking so much about being traumatised by my abuse, she already has a crush and is already falling in love with someone else.

~ Sky
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2018, 09:14:20 AM »

I wish I had the answers, I haven't seen or heard from mine for nearly 2 1/2 years and yet I am stuck also.
I blame myself for a couple of things but I tell myself I am only human and have a breaking point when it comes to being treated badly.
I also think that most people would have left her whereas I didn't.
Believe me I understand how you feel when you talk about how it is to be wiped from existence, it eats away at me everyday even after all this time.
How can she go from everything we planned and everything she said when she was in a good place to just nothing. I can't even describe how it makes me feel, that total eradication from her life, She had my unconditional love. She abused me but could never see it or never admit it, I'm not sure which but she also had no memory of anything after she had slept, so I suppose in her mind it was all my fault, she only knows one side of the story.
I know plenty of people that have split up but they still talk to each other so I can't and doubt I ever will come to terms with it, in fact it's gotten worse recently I think because of something that happened. You may or may not have read my post from a week or so ago which I need to go back to and respond.
As you said trying to accept that she could do this is impossible even though I tell myself she caused it all. It's the what-ifs and if only, yet I know I tried, I know I was loving and good to her but I also know I snapped because she broke me.
It's hard.
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Sky07
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« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2018, 11:31:56 AM »

I wish I had the answers, I haven't seen or heard from mine for nearly 2 1/2 years and yet I am stuck also.
I blame myself for a couple of things but I tell myself I am only human and have a breaking point when it comes to being treated badly.
I also think that most people would have left her whereas I didn't.
Believe me I understand how you feel when you talk about how it is to be wiped from existence, it eats away at me everyday even after all this time.
How can she go from everything we planned and everything she said when she was in a good place to just nothing. I can't even describe how it makes me feel, that total eradication from her life, She had my unconditional love. She abused me but could never see it or never admit it, I'm not sure which but she also had no memory of anything after she had slept, so I suppose in her mind it was all my fault, she only knows one side of the story.
I know plenty of people that have split up but they still talk to each other so I can't and doubt I ever will come to terms with it, in fact it's gotten worse recently I think because of something that happened. You may or may not have read my post from a week or so ago which I need to go back to and respond.
As you said trying to accept that she could do this is impossible even though I tell myself she caused it all. It's the what-ifs and if only, yet I know I tried, I know I was loving and good to her but I also know I snapped because she broke me.
It's hard.

2 and a half years is a long time... .I feel for you. I was in a 10 months relationship and it's only been 5 months since she broke up with me and erased me from her life like it was the easiest thing she's ever done. It was so easy, it makes you feel like you meant nothing at all to them. Complete eradication, I cannot do that to anyone ever, it is the most heartless thing I have ever experienced. It made me insignificant, and hollow. Like she had erased me altogether, I didn't exist anymore.

I understand you reaching your breaking point, nothing I did was good. When I did something good for her, she was happy it helped her but underneath was annoyed that I made her feel weak and invalid. When I made mistakes or said the wrong thing, it was the worst of worst, she kept records of it and never forgave anything. What I wanted didn't mattered because it encroached on her needs and boundaries. When I prioritised her, it was too much for her, she told me it was "unhealthy"and she cannot do the same for me, when I left her to her devices, I was not doing any effort. When I was drained and tired of her crying over everything, I wasn't being supportive, when I needed support, she was tired and needed to go to bed.

I think most people would have left her as well, just like yours. I didn't because I had loved her for nearly a year while we were friends and when we finally got together, it was my dream coming true.

Recently I found these messages on this anonymous blog and I know it is her. I looked up the messages she wrote before she asked me out and she wrote things like "it is so typical for her(the ex) to fall for someone who is caring for her", "that I said to her that she might break my heart and obviously she will as she is not fit for love and can only love for what people do for her" and "she cannot see herself getting married to me". Why ask me out then? Why?

~ Sky

P.S: I will go have a look at your posts.
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In a bad way
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« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2018, 11:56:40 AM »

Excerpt
     2 and a half years is a long time... .I feel for you. I was in a 10 months relationship and it's only been 5 months since she broke up with me and erased me from her life like it was the easiest thing she's ever done. It was so easy, it makes you feel like you meant nothing at all to them. Complete eradication, I cannot do that to anyone ever, it is the most heartless thing I have ever experienced. It made me insignificant, and hollow. Like she had erased me altogether, I didn't exist anymore.                 

That is exactly how I feel, and yes it's a long time but the thoughts won't go away.
Now everything I do is multitasking because I am thinking about that and what I am trying to do at the same time. I have to cope with two sets of thoughts at once.
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Sky07
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« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2018, 03:21:06 AM »

That is exactly how I feel, and yes it's a long time but the thoughts won't go away.
Now everything I do is multitasking because I am thinking about that and what I am trying to do at the same time. I have to cope with two sets of thoughts at once.

My therapist helped a lot with that and I slowly stopped feeling hollow and devastated. I still hurt from it all but I know I exist.

Have you done any therapy at all, In a bad way?

~ Sky
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JNChell
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« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2018, 11:27:37 AM »

Hello, Sky07. Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Well JNChell, when I asked her what she meant, she pulled out her phone and showed me a list of abusive behaviours from a website. She said I gaslit her which I didn't know what she meant by that because I didn't know what the word meant. She said I made mean comments about her and said it was a joke. Here, I agree, I did that but it were really just jokes and she does it to me too. She said I am controlling, telling her what to do and things but I was just giving solutions to her problems and some of the stuff I told her to do, I had legit reasons behind those and I explained that to my therapist.

The internet is a proven tool for Cluster B’s. They are canny for weaponizing it. Maybe a past partner or even you had brought up the possibility of a personality disorder to your former person and they turned the tables on you through research. This is typical with people that are highly narcissistic. I rank fairly low on the narcissistic spectrum, but I brought these concerns up with my Son’s mother. I even went as far as showing her the evidence from the research that I dug up. I did this out of desperation. It sounds like your person may have done this as a defense mechanism. Perhaps they knew that you were onto them.

I can only speculate, but your concerns over whether or not you were abusive towards your partner are possibly a symptom of severe gaslighting. I’m struggling with this myself. It’s possible for us to adopt the behaviors of our abusive partners while trying to be with them. There’s a term for it. Catching fleas. It’s normal, although unhealthy, to react this way when we’re being systematically abused. Emotional abuse can be performed very subtly.

My ex went NC with me. To be discarded like that and just erased out of her existence was really traumatising and I learnt she got a new crush 1 month after the breakup. How? How is it that I cannot move on, that I am having to go to therapy and I don't think I will be in a relationship anytime soon and she is off falling for other people already?

These folks can’t stand to be alone with themselves. They are consumed by shame and can’t/won’t deal with it. They aren’t on this forum and in therapy trying to sort themselves out. However, you are. That speaks volumes about where you are with yourself and your ability to accept reality. Maybe you were sometimes abusive towards your ex. Many of us were at times. When backed into a corner and emotionally beaten down, it can happen. I’m learning that the key is to not allow myself to be backed into corners anymore.

I spend most of my time on the PSI board these days, but showed up here on the Detaching board. I’d like to invite you to do some reading on the PSI board. Maybe you’ll find some things that resonate with you. Take care.
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Sky07
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« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2018, 01:22:07 AM »

Hi JNChell,

Thank you for your response. She is diagnosed! She knows she has BPD but for some reason, cannot see how it controls her thinking and actions unless it made me annoyed.

When she thinks of me as abusive and controlling, she cannot stop and think that maybe it is her BPD making her feel that way. Instead she asks online if feeling like you want to kill yourself and have suicidal ideation while with your partner means that you are being abused. Obviously, people don't take into account she has BPD when they respond to that question. She said she feels more secure while speaking to strangers than to me. Obviously! BPD is not something that comes up with strangers.

But when I got annoyed that she told me she loved me before and now she suddenly said she is not sure, she said "sorry, it's because I'm splitting". When I get annoyed that she is avoiding me, she says "I'm dissociating". When I ask why she is not supporting me, not wanting to see me, she says she's tired because she is mentally ill.

The day before she broke up with me, we had a fight. I was really sick and expecting her to come to my place with some medicine but she cancelled at the last minute. Then she wanted to ask me why I don't support her like I used to, when she cries etc. I said I am drained and tired, I cannot to do. She asked how much can I do. I said maybe twice a week and asked her to find support with her friends too when I cannot support her. I told her she is always sad, always tired, always depressed and I need a happy environment. I need her to be happy to see me, excited... .else it just blows my mood too.

The fight escalated to every other issue we had in the course of our relationship. I was quite sick and all of that was draining me even more. I told her i was tired of ramming myself into the wall that was her. She asked me not to insult her. I wasn't insulting her. I just called her a wall. Then the fight moved onto her schooling me about conflict resolution, that I should point out her behaviours instead of saying that she is something, it's a personal attack. It messed my brain, I didn't understand how calling her a wall was such a big deal. She calls me abusive, controlling etc.

Sure, I agree that I should have been calm and maybe had this discussion another way but I was sick of having to change everything, my behaviour, my needs, how I speak, how much I speak. Seriously, all I was ever doing was changing, changing, changing myself. In one breath she says, I'm not allowed to be angry, disappointed, in another, she wants to know how much support I can give her, and in another breath, she says she cannot come see me to bring me some meds. 

I still hurt though, I still beat myself, if only I hadn't been angry, I hadn't called her a wall, I hadn't said those things, maybe she would have still been with me. I still love her. It breaks me.

~Sky
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« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2018, 04:59:24 PM »

Hi Sky,

Yes, it hurts when someone says something about us. We start questioning it and we start believing in what they say. It might be true or not. The question here is not just if you are abusive but also "why it hurts you to core" when he is saying it? Expressing your likes or dislikes is one thing but doing that in an abusive way is a different thing. If you don't want to be abusive, all you have to do is be "Soft and strict" at the same time. But if the other person takes it in a extreme way and gets mad at you, then it's their problem. Remember, everyone has a choice on how they can react to external factors and emotions. For example: If you are in a car and if your friend is driving it, and if he jumps red light or drives recklessly, you might say "If we jump red light or drive like this, it's not safe. I don't want to get into trouble". If you say that in neutral tone and express your idea, and your friend gets mad, it's not your problem. But if you say that by screaming and yelling and throwing things, then it's your problem. If your friend is mad and says you are abusive, and you get hurt a lot, then it's your problem (because you are feeling the pain and don't know how to deal with it). So you need to ask "why does it matter so much" on what this person says to you. If this person says you have other issues, would that hurt you as well? So do some soul searching to figure out "why it hurts you to core"? when you have some answer, dig more and find that exact feeling that's cutting you to core. Is it guilt or shame or care for this person? When you find it, embrace it and don't fight it. Then do what it takes to avoid that feeling. If it's because you care of this person, then tell him you care.
When you go through this cycle, you might realize that if you truly know who you are and if your confidence in yourself is like a rock, it doesn't matter what others say. If you want to express something, just be soft and strict when you convey the message, and you will never be abusive. And convey the message in a way where you use "I" instead of "You". Basically you are expressing your thoughts and ideas. But don't beat up yourself based on what others think about you.

Hope you feel better soon. Our prayers with you in this amazing journey to discover ourselves.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2018, 07:05:34 AM »

Hi Toad17,

Thank you for replying, I never screamed or yelled but I did say things frankly and that can come out as harsh. Her words mean so much to me because she means so much to me. It cuts to the core because someone I love so much is telling me I'm abusive. I have believed everything she has ever said to me, now I don't know what to believe anymore.

I care for her, I love her yet I cannot tell her that because she wouldn't want to hear any of it. She erased me from her life, blocked me everywhere and went NC from me. I couldn't tell her anything even if I wanted to. Please see this other thread of mine for more insight: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329632.0. I'm in a state of total confusion at the moment. I don't know what is real and what is not. I cannot distinguish if things are real, intentional lies or unintentional projections or splitting. I'm so utterly lost.

~ Sky
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Toad17

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 43


« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2018, 05:00:27 PM »

I care for her, I love her yet I cannot tell her that because she wouldn't want to hear any of it. She erased me from her life, blocked me everywhere and went NC from me. I couldn't tell her anything even if I wanted to. Please see this other thread of mine for more insight: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329632.0. I'm in a state of total confusion at the moment. I don't know what is real and what is not. I cannot distinguish if things are real, intentional lies or unintentional projections or splitting. I'm so utterly lost.

~ Sky

Dear Sky,
It's very hard when someone we love so much goes away, and causes pain and suffering. It's worst when they break the trust and misunderstand our intentions. To add to that, it's even more painful when we lose friends in this process. I have gone through this pain. I lost 12 years of best friendship. I went through the same "push and pull". I chased everyone away to be with the "true love". I continued to pursue the love, got married, have kids, and now in the process of leaving the relationship. So trust me when I say few things - it's better to leave a relationship that's built on this extreme "push or pull" model, if the other person doesn't take professional help to change their behavior. It's not healthy. On the long run, it will affect you A LOT.
The love of your life is gone, she hurt you in ways you never expected. We get it. It's very very hard buddy. Here's something I have learnt in a hard way. Take anything that applies to you.
1. Always remember 3 Cs - you didn't CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, you cannot CHANGE it. At any cost, do not blame yourself. Love yourself more than anybody and take very good care of yourself.
2. At any cost, don't fight your emotions. You are very sad, she left you, embrace the fact, feel sad and sorry. Accept it 100%.
3. Do not try to find logic or reasons in her behavior, because you won't find one.
4. Know that she is the one who doesn't deserve your Love. Just look at how much you love her. You can find someone who totally deserves this type of unconditional love. If she is not the one, you need to move on and find someone who is worth your love. In fact, because of her nature of "push or pull", even if she comes back, you need to really think through and ask if you want to give your amazing heart to this person.
5. Work 100% to learn from your mistakes. Make a list of things you want to change or improve, so that you don't get involved in unhealthy relationships in future. Extreme push or pull is one big red flag. The lesson is, learn to put "healthy boundaries", instead of apologizing for being frank and honest.
6. Put your happiness before anyone else - make a list of things that makes you happy, and go make it happen (other than going after her or thinking about her). Make new friends, new hobbies, work on new ideas. Life is full of fun and energy. Why should we spend so much time on people who don't care about us? Go have fun with others. Actions and feelings have equal reaction on each other. If you are sad, embrace it, put a smile on your face and have fun. Do the opposite of that feeling - fun. At the end of the day, you might start feeling happy. Trust me, it works. But don't ignore the fact that you are sad. Accept and have fun. Many great leaders have used this trick when they get cold feet. Act brave and strong, and you will become brave and strong. This can only happen when you accept that you are sad.
7. If you still need a closure, put a card with her picture on it, write everything you want to say to her, then in the end mention that it's time to say goodbye to the relationship. Kiss it and let go of the card in a river or lake. It might give you some closure.
Your ability to recognize real versus your feeling is distorted because you are believing in everything she is saying. Don't let that happen. Believe in yourself. After you are out of this phase, you'll be a new person who is stronger than ever. It doesn't matter what the world says about you, you'll know who you are and nothing can affect your self image. It's not easy and it takes time. If you put efforts, you can totally do it. Others have done it, you can do it too!
Our prayers with you buddy!
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Sky07
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2018, 08:57:27 PM »

Hi Toad17,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my message and write such an amazing list. I relate to all of it, it made me tear up. I'm slowly, with the help of my therapist, learning to accept my reality. At the same time, finding that anonymous blog of her helped as well as I can see how she finds everyone who has gotten too close to her as abusive, her parents, her sibling, a high school best friend and me. I believe the trend will not stop.

She is diagnosed, quite aware sometimes so I just don't understand how she cannot see that her BPD is affecting the way she sees the people closest to her. My therapist says that while yes, she seems aware sometimes, the question is "for how long?" It really hurts. I sometimes wish she would wake up and get out of this black hole she is digging herself into.

You are right when you say she doesn't deserve my love. To think I loved her for so long when we were friends and gave her all the time she needed to come to a decision whether she wanted to be with me or not and still, I get accused of being "abusive from the very start". Yet when you look at what she wrote anonymously on that blog from the start, it feels like she was being untruthful to me all this time. I feel like I lived a lie.

The issue is the BPD. Despite doing all of that to me, I still cannot be rejecting of her because it feels wrong to blame her for being mentally ill. Anyone else, without BPD, I would have seen them cruel to the core. With the BPD, I see it as this entity that took over the nice person I love. I cannot seem to understand that they are the one and the same. It makes me sad and makes me feel powerless that I cannot do anything. I want to go in there and yank that entity off the woman I love but I can't. They are one. At the same time, I want to point out to people that the entity is there, "Can't you see it?" but it's invisible to anyone that is not too close. I hate it.

I'm doing a lot for myself. Going out with friends, exercising, signing up for sports, therapy regularly (through my therapist has started spacing it out), and I am even planning on taking some self-development course. It just makes me wish I had had 1 chance to try again, armed with the knowledge I know about BPD but I didn't get that chance. I was stupid to not research what BPD was when she told me she was diagnosed. Before I had tried helping her with her depression and anxiety and read a bit about it, she loved that for a bit but then told me I was being too pushy when I tried to help so I let go, decided to leave her illnesses to her to deal with. I didn't know that BPD required so much from the non as well.

But then now, I think what would that chance do anyway? Give you back the person you love so you can work something out? But this person from the very start didn't see a future with you, didn't see herself getting married to you. Not that I knew back then, I just recently found all this on the anonymous blog. I am still torn over what to feel about everything I read on there.

~ Sky
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