Resiliency: Seven steps

[Libra]

Harri,

Regarding the tests. I find it very hard to answer such questions. Call it self-doubt, a critical inner voice, self-slighting, or still not accepting what happened…I don’t know what it is, but I struggle.

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?

Probably yes, but that was my norm(?). How do I know I was put down, humiliated? Based on our dynamics as adults, I suspect it is a yes though.
My ACE is 4 to 5, depending on the question above.

The Resiliency test is even more difficult.
What is love? It is a discussion that has been around on this board a lot.
How can I answer whether my mother and father loved me or not? My memory doesn’t go back that far, and my current feelings are tainted by my history and all I have learned.
On the other hand, saying ‘Probably true’ may just be wishful thinking, trying to fit into the standard/ideal family picture.
If I answer honestly, based on my current mindset, many questions get an ‘I’m not sure’ response, and then resiliency ends up at 7.

Libra.

[Learning2Thrive]

5. Empathy:  To become a survivor, one must demonstrate both awareness and empathy.

Awareness of the abuse? Awareness of ourselves? Awareness of triggers? All of these?

Empathy for the abuser? Empathy for ourselves? Empathy for others? All of these?

Yes, I have awareness and empathy. Though I am certainly not perfect and still learning so much. Currently, it is a constant work in progress and exercise of wisemind to move from awareness to and through empathy without triggering emotional flashbacks. The intensity of the work depends on how important the current situation (and person involved) is to me as well as the depth and nature of the flashbacks.

With empathy—as with responsibility—I have to keep myself on my side of the road. I can feel the feels without taking responsibility or rescuing but it is usually very difficult.

L2T

[Kwamina]

Yep, same here... .and I can do the karpman drama triangle solo too... .it is quite the sight.

Quite the sight indeed:
Beagle at it again!

Great thread and great to see you all resiliently working through the steps

[LeneLu]

Awareness... .this is the one that is most threatening... .to the BPD.  You are on to them.  But for me awareness was found thru this forum and therapy. 

My BPD has exploited the fact that I am in therapy as proof that I am the problem.  The reality is that I am in therapy as a self-check: Am I crazy?  Is this normal behavior?

Entering therapy is the first step toward awareness... .you know something is wrong, you are just not quite sure what.  But in your heart of hearts, you know it is not you.

If you are here, you are on your way to step 2.

[Turkish]

After my ex abandoned me in therapy (because I neededto get "fixed") I asked my T if I would look crazy if it went to court.  He said no, that continuing therapy demonstrated character. 

[Harri]

Libra:

Those feelings of anxiety and guilt should not have been placed on you in the past.   Yes, they are your issues. I understand you wanting to control anxiety and guilt by stepping in to help/fix. I completely get your logic of not wanting to violate the others’ boundaries.
I think people with healthy boundaries though, will often not even let you get that far. They will draw their line and you will not be violating their boundaries. My H is VERY good at this, and I had a hard time learning to cope with it, because it felt like rejection. I was not used to not being needed.

 I agree with the fact that people with healthy boundaries would never let it get that far... .but then again, they would not necessarily want to be around me after.  They are going to sense and eventually resent my inability to keep to my side of the road if I do not figure it out.  More importantly, if I am not tuned in and self-aware, I am going to miss the significance of my own behavior and how I am in essence pushing people away... .fixing is controlling, and also can come off as clingy, whiny and needy.  I am *not* talking about healthy giving and care taking.   There are degrees and I think for some of us, it crosses over into inappropriate behavior that is going to drive people away or prevent healthy relationships from developing.  This was my experience and I read about it on this site all the time.  Over time, my behaviors were toxic and I was left feeling confused, hurt and bewildered because people did not appreciate me, I felt used, and I eventually resented it asking in my head why they could not see my good intentions?  If this applies to anyone reading this, even in part, think about it.   If not, be grateful.  As part of learning about boundaries, I had to learn where I ended in relation to others and to stay out of their business.  It is all tied up in boundaries, differentiation of self and separation for me.  This also leaks into the step of responsibility:  being responsible for our own behaviors.

So I don't think you mis-read me, I think we have different experiences in this area and that is good.     Being able to see this in myself was healing and liberating for me (once I got over the embarrassment that is!) .  

Removing yourself, is all too self-punishing IMO. It is taking on the responsibility of the other persons’ feelings or reactions. The base assumption should be that the other person has healthy boundaries they can communicate, and they will not feel controlled/offended with your reflex of trying to fix or help.

I might have mis-spoke (mis wrote?)  I can't for the life of me figure out what I was trying to say with the line:  "I can still remove myself though."  heh heh  Hmmmm... .thinking about what you said about it being a self-punishment has got me thinking though.  Stay tuned?  BTW, thanks for challenging me.  It helps me organize my thoughts and see any inconsistencies!  

Well said. I had not looked at it from that angle: our own perception of self is so askew that we need to learn to accept other, healthier views of ourselves from others. It’s very true: I still don’t know how to react to – or rather accept - the simplest of compliments. There’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind that will always find a ‘reason’ for the compliment.

I think many of us struggle with this so you are not alone.  They used to make me cry and get angry.  Now I cry and feel grateful.  Though I do still squirm sometimes and have a limit... .then I have to shut it down.  And do not say nice things to me if I am crying... .dammit!  How is it for you?  BTW, that tiny voice in the back of your head can get softer and softer you know.  I happen to think you are doing very well and I find your willingness to look within so very helpful!    

[Harri]

Libra:

My ACE is 4 to 5, depending on the question above.

When taking these sort of evaluations, I try to answer them based on where I am today.  Over time, how you label your experiences may change so don't fret and try not to over think it.    Same with the resiliency.  I answered yes for being loved as I believed all my life (and still do believe) that my mother loved me.  I know now that it was distorted and abusive love, but it was what I knew at the time and I still believe my mom loved me even today.  (and yes, some think I am crazy... .and maybe I am but it is where I am).

L2T Regarding empathy:

Yes, I have awareness and empathy. Though I am certainly not perfect and still learning so much. Currently, it is a constant work in progress and exercise of wisemind to move from awareness to and through empathy without triggering emotional flashbacks. The intensity of the work depends on how important the current situation (and person involved) is to me as well as the depth and nature of the flashbacks.

With empathy—as with responsibility—I have to keep myself on my side of the road. I can feel the feels without taking responsibility or rescuing but it is usually very difficult.

  Empathy for others is important and I can see how it can be a juggling act with keeping on your side of the street.  How are you with empathy towards yourself though?  The 5, 10, 15 year old L2T who was so responsible and so abused and so deserved to be loved and cherished for the precious beautifully spirited little person she was and still is?  Empathy for others can be draining in part because we do not have enough for ourselves.  I also find that as my empathy for myself and the kid I was increases, I am more relaxed, less tired, feel less drained as I give empathy to others.  I am more confident in my ability to regenerate and bounce (resiliency!)

With the resiliency steps, I think the focus is to be more on us than others so lets work on this:  So what do you do to show empathy to your little L2Ts?    Are you able to connect with your little kid?

Thanks for popping in Kwamina!  We beagles are always rambunctious... .you definitley caught us in a drama triangle.  You're wonderful you know!  <--- parrots are good with compliments right?

Lenelu!  So good to see you again.   

Entering therapy is the first step toward awareness... .you know something is wrong, you are just not quite sure what.  But in your heart of hearts, you know it is not you.

I agree that therapy is a good and healthy step.  I am so glad you are benefitting from therapy and working on the board.  One thing that was very important for me when I first came to this board was being able to finally point towards my abusers as being responsible.  I think a lot of us on PSI tend to blame ourselves so when a shift occurs we have to look outward for a time before stepping back and looking within and without at the same time.   I needed to be able to 'blame' someone before I was able to embrace the facct that I am responsible for fixing the damage to me regardless of how it happened.

Turkish, her loss was your gain (and your T's too!  hehe)  and ours here.  Thank you for sharing yourself with me and with everyone here. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Harri wrote:

With the resiliency steps, I think the focus is to be more on us than others so lets work on this:  So what do you do to show empathy to your little L2Ts?

I need to do more work in this area. Here goes with what I can identify so far... .

 I’m pretty sure it’s the teenage L2T who fiercely defends the little L2Ts’ truths. It can be a little shocking when she does this because L2T is usually very quiet and well behaved... .a rule follower with a soft voice.

After I lost my pup in August, we cried. A lot. We cried more than we ever cried before. We weren’t allowed to cry when we were little for real, we had to take care of mother and others. No crying allowed.

Are you able to connect with your little kid?

Sometimes. Like the instances above. And also when I ride my bike. I feel free like a little kid again when I ride.

Speaking of riding my bike, I gotta get to sleep. 40 - 50 mile ride tomorrow morning. 

Good night dear Harri and family.

  L2T

[Harri]

 

I’m pretty sure it’s the teenage L2T who fiercely defends the little L2Ts’ truths. It can be a little shocking when she does this because L2T is usually very quiet and well behaved... .a rule follower with a soft voice.

  What do you think you can do to let the 15 year old know she can relax, she does not have to protect little L2Ts so fiercely and that you have things in hand?  I used to come  up swinging in defense... .until I started to realize there often wasn't anything there to defend anymore.  The battles were in the past.  My inner badass teen has quieted down and relaxed for the most part.

Have fun connecting with your 15 year old self tomorrow!  have a blast and just let her relax. 

[Learning2Thrive]

6. Laughter: To be able to laugh at particular circumstances requires us to step back and to assume a new point of view.

Yes, laughter is such good medicine.

It is very helpful when I am able to step back and realize the humor in situations, like when I am JADEing myself to myself.  Or like when I am able to not react but take a step back from the drama and rewrite the scene (in a fictional way) from an outrageously funny or twisted perspective. The laughter breaks the painful trigger and gives me time to gain a broader perspective.

I’m guilty of being pretty serious most of the time, so this is definitely an area I would like to improve.

L2T

[Harri]

Nice job L2T!   

Laughter is such a release and can give us distance from our emotional pain.  That said, it can be overused too.  I am guilty of that but I am working on it.  My dark humor will always be with me though.  Not everyone gets it and that is okay.

[Turkish]

I get it.  As my T told me,  "your sense of humor is dark and twisted." As he laughed, win! I keep it off the boards.

[Harri]

I get it.  As my T told me,  "your sense of humor is dark and twisted." As he laughed, win! I keep it off the boards.

   I try to keep it off the boards but will use a bit of it when talking about my own stories.  It helps me to share but it also serves as a way to try to keep people from giving me too much sympathy... .before they even offer it.  So there is some twisted thinking involved there... .making assumptions, future telling, etc

[Learning2Thrive]

 7. Compassion and love for self and others:  The victim’s psychological, philosophical and spiritual interpretations of his or her traumatic experiences are critical, often overlooked parts of the recovery process.

This step is the one that I feel I’m exercising the most when I come here. So much of what we write and read here is heartbreaking. It’s hard to read it and it’s hard to share/write it, though both are therapeutic.

So often (for me) it’s easier to hold out compassion for others as they share their stories, but totally dismiss my own painful history. The process of listening compassionately to others helps me see that I can also be compassionate to myself even if it’s awkward and a completely foreign concept. Practice, practice, practice.

  L2T

[Harri]

Hi L2T.  Sorry for the delayed response. 

So often (for me) it’s easier to hold out compassion for others as they share their stories, but totally dismiss my own painful history. The process of listening compassionately to others helps me see that I can also be compassionate to myself even if it’s awkward and a completely foreign concept. Practice, practice, practice.

Yes.  I am still working on this but over time after posting here I have gotten better with self-care, self-compassion and incorporating my history into a workable context. 

You give so much to others here I hope someday you can give it to yourself as well.  You are worth it.  Keep working on it and sharing.  You shine L2T.

[zachira]

To me, my level of compassion for others is a measure of my level of compassion for myself and where I am in the healing process. I often try to remind myself that nobody wants to be a terrible person that makes other people miserable and how sad it is that people abuse others to get the attention they crave and to mask the jealousy they feel when others get the love they so desperately crave.

[Harri]

Hi zachira.  Yes.  I too try to remember that it is rare someone is doing something intentionally or with pure malice.  It is usually a function of their own pain.

And yes, we can't really give to others what we can't give to ourself. 

[Learning2Thrive]

To me, my level of compassion for others is a measure of my level of compassion for myself and where I am in the healing process. I often try to remind myself that nobody wants to be a terrible person that makes other people miserable and how sad it is that people abuse others to get the attention they crave and to mask the jealousy they feel when others get the love they so desperately crave.

zachira, this is an excellent point and I am so glad you posted. You helped me look at things from a slightly different perspective and it really helps. Thank you.

Do you find that your relationship with the person (history) matters at all?  I find my level of compassion is variable and greatly affected by historical interactions. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I have difficulty envisioning a time where historical interactions would have no effect.

Hmmm... .perhaps, what I really mean is that the manner in which I express compassion would likely be affected. I might still feel deep compassion for someone who has been historically abusive, but I would be much more cautious with my resonse in all future interactions.

Or am I misunderstanding this step?

   L2T

[Harri]

Or am I misunderstanding this step?

I don't think you are misunderstanding the step.

I think what you mentioned is part of it.  The other part(s) revolve around questions like:   How do you make sense out of the abuse happening?  How you see yourself as a person with dignity and strength and purpose after what happened?  How do you make sense of the world?  How do you find meaning in life if this was allowed to happen to me?  We have to get to a place where we can say it wasn't my fault.  It is a part of me but not all of me.

About the historical relationship... .I can have compassion but that does not mean I have to have a relationship with the person or be friendly with them (I am thinking of my mother here and a few other people who have abused me in my life).  I can see their behavior as a part of their pain and dysfunction and have compassion for that but still hold them accountable and still be okay with not wanting them in my life in any significant way.

[zachira]

Having compassion for those who abused us is similar to forgiving those that abused us. We choose forgiveness and compassion because it allows us to move forward and not be consumed by the bad feelings we have towards our abusers. It essentially means we have healed much of the pain from the abuse. I think it helps to think in terms of how memories are stored. Normal memories do not overwhelm or control us, and we choose to access them when we want to. We can say I don't want to think about that right now. Traumatic memories have often never been properly processed and filed, and can overwhelm us at any time unless they have been fully processed and put into a normal file in the brain. These traumatic memories can be verbal or non verbal or both. The challenge is to process the traumatic memories and put them in a normal file so we feel completely neutral when thinking of the past and can choose not to think of these traumatic memories just like with normal memories. I found EMDR therapy to be an effective way to process traumatic memories.

[Harri]

I am not sure if this is part of compassion or not but what helped me to move through the anger and begin to heal the really deep wounds was when I was able to see my mother as just a damaged person.  She was no longer this bigger than life person who could scare me with her anger and rage or who sexually abused me at her will and shamed me both publicly and privately.  Knowing that, seeing her as she was not as she felt in my own mind and clouded by long held fear allowed me to further separate and realize I could exist without her and I could withstand her rage (I mean really believe this, no false bravado). 

I came to see her as small and almost delicate she was so broken and damaged.  She lost her power over me and I stopped giving her my own power.  That is when I felt pity and compassion for her.  It was all so unnecessary.  All of it.