DD20 follow up- won’t return to PHP

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
My DD20 dropped from her PHP assisted living due to several health issues. Since dropping out, DD20 has gone off all meds without titrating down off of Lamictal and to a certain degree, risperdal. She did finally titrating off of Effexor. So she’s done her own med wash with thankfully no psychotic event. She does sleep nearly 15 hours a day and spends most of her wake time looking at her mobile. Some nights friends do come over to get high, hang out or order in food and smoke cigarettes.

Since being home-and no meds, she’s not really binged. We’ve kept the junk food and sweets out of the home. I pry her out to drive with me to our local ice cream place weekly. She remains in the car while I run in. Because she’s not bathed and her eczema is horrible all over the rights side of her face, she doesn’t want to be seen in public. I get the ice cream, we drive to a nice spot, open the windows and eat.

As for bathing, her head looked as if an animal was growing out of it, her hair in such a huge knotted mess I thought for sure we’d have to just cut it off. Her father turned off her phone and said the phone would go back on if she bathed and worked with her hair. It took a huge bottle of conditioner and two hours to remove the tangles.
So that was her first bath in 4 weeks. She has changed her clothes maybe 5 times.

She’s been unable to most do chores. She did clean the bathroom but had a fit- she was enraged that she couldn’t remove all of the dirt on the floor. It seemed like an OCD incident. She’s had lots of issues with feelings on her skin- creepy crawlers - she called them. Her skin crawls and itches and water worsens the condition- she’s afraid to bathe because of that strange sensation. She’s had tremdous aches, back aches, body aches and some bouts of stomach issues that have lasted a few days at a time( we are still waiting to see the endocrinologist for a possible Cushing syndrome). I’m just thinking these are withdrawal symptoms from all of those meds. She does have an appt with her psychiatrist in late October. So she’s got time to consider going back and trying meds.

DD20 is not in therapy and has blown off 5 appts with her therapist. She’s scheduled to go next Monday, so fingers crossed. She seems to have some major problem like fatigue, skin issues or body aches that’s kept her from going.

Her BF isn’t allowed into our home nor is she allowed into his until they are both in treatment. So there has not been any huge fights- Thank Goodness, we’ve had some much needed peace there. Oh she’s snuck him in several times. But no huge violent fights.

The good news is I have not received any urgent calls at work for the past 3 weeks. That is huge. I’ve actually have been able to focus on my job.

So things have been chill with DD sleeping or remaining in her room. She’s not self injured or threatened suicide. She’s not trashed the house or gotten violent with my H or me. Oh there’s been conflict- mostly about cleaning up cigarette butts and getting the food products out her room ( which has lead to numerous ant infestations).

I spoke with DD stating that this doing nothing is not sustainable, getting a job, getting treatment, volunteering or taking a fun college course- that she needs to do something.

I said her dad was thrown out of his parents home when he was 16. He had to learn how to be independent in a sink or swim fashion. I asked if she thought she might need this tactic in order to grow. I asked if she wanted to begin working on disability so she could get Medicaid and public housing. Did she need more time at home toheal?

She said she was hopeless. Been in treatment for half her life and she’s still depressed. (She’s been on 3 different antidepressants, 2 different antipsychotics and hasn’t had good luck finding the right meds- besides she’s not med compliant unless her father or I bring her meds to her- which we’ve done for years- I’m not gong to do that anymore).
She said she just wants to continue as she’s been. I told her, her parents will most likely pass before she does and who’d take care of her then? She said she’s inherit our home and continue living there. I asked who’d buy her food, pay the property taxes, water and electric bills?

Weird.

So yesterday, I asked her if she’s given any thought to what I said. I told her that it does get better with time, but it’s going to require effort.
I mentioned a friend of mine who is interviewing for a job - the first in 12 years. I’d said his depression was so bad that he laid around for several years but then became inspired to go back to school. He’s 29 and just completed college. He’s gotten his resume together and his life is about to take another turn for the better. He’s worked so hard at his illness seeing a therapist 3 times a week and taking meds. And that she should keep hope alive.

I don’t know what else to do.
Sigh... .thoughts? Ideas?

Xdaisy

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Daisy123

The situation with your daughter is quite challenging at the moment. I am glad you are there to support her, but agree with you that this situation does not seem sustainable. Hopefully she will commit to therapy again

Oh she’s snuck him in several times.

How did you find this out, did she tell you or did you see him there yourself? What did you do afterward?

She said she was hopeless.

Feeling this way is very hard. BPD is a challenging disorder indeed. Still, there defnitely is hope. I think you telling her about your friend and how he is managing to turn his live around after years of struggling with mental health issues, is a good move and potentially could trigger something positive in her. Maybe this example can provide her some hope that things can also get better for her.

How are you handling all of this yourself? Do you have time for some self care to recharge your batteries?

The Board Parrot

[wendydarling]

It's good to hear from you Daisy, I've been wondering how you're doing.  

That sounds like a fair amount of change in all directions. No violent outbursts, suicide threats, self-harm, emergency calls must be such a relief, may peace, calm continue.  I also hear your frustration, doing nothing is not sustainable, she wants no change is incredibly hard for you to hear, she feels helplessness.  I hope your DD is able to maintain no self-harm, that was significant progress for us.

Why won't your DD return to PHP after attending to her physical ailments?

WDx
Olive oil and nail scissors also work well

[Daisy123]

Hi Folks,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.
Kwamina, I caught DD’s BF in our home 3 times since laying down the limit of no visits unless both of them were in treatment. I just walked to her room, knocked on the door and politely insisted that he leave and he did within minutes of me asking him to.

Wendy- I’ve no reason from DD as to why she won’t return to PHP. She, when asked, replies the she is useless.

I’ve just tried prying her out of the house as she has been in bed on her phone all day. It’s early evening and all I seem to be doing is agitating her.

She did manage to slip away about 5 a.m.a few days ago. I went to say goodbye to her around 7 a.m. when leaving for work and she wasn’t in bed. I FAcebook messaged her stating that I’d call her BF and need to find out if she was safe. She quickly messaged me
Back begging me not to do so as she was with a ‘friend’ for breakfast. When I asked her who she was with, she refused to tell me. She said she was having an early breakfast and that she was safe.
Strange- we’ve been through this kind of behavior before- her slipping out in the middle of the night about 6 months ago. I don’t want to start that again. It’s exhausting.

DD finally made it to therapy but got high before she went. Don’t think that’s all too helpful.

You are so right, watching her do nothing is so challenging. I feel so helpless, worried and sad. I’m just trying to lift her spirits by remaining as Lolipop has said, light as a feather. DD I really do believe, is in the middle of some serious withdrawal from her meds and I’m just trying to sit this out.

 Her father is at his wits end. He’s angry that she does nothing all day but hop from her bed to ours. He’s angry that he’s asked her to clean up her room for the past 5 days, he’s angry that she’s got cigarette butts all over our yard. If he only could see some of the strides she has made... .I can live with cigarette butts, a dirty room and a stinky daughter. I don’t want her to go back to Xanax or back to sneaking out at night(strange that this didn’t seem to affect him) or more meet ups with Sugar Daddies.

H is making it twice as difficult because of his constant anger and complaining. His Complaining just makes me relive her hell twice.
I’m trying to validate his frustration. I’m not sure how to head off the whining and complaining. He puts it on me to get her to do his bidding by telling me to get her to do things. I know he feels helpless, but why can’t the man just lay off?

Kwamina, I’m trying to get rest. I’m just so worn down after work, exhausted in the morning. I try to get to bed early, but have difficulty falling asleep. I’m trying to eat better and get in some yoga on the weekends. I’ve been trying to build in some quiet time on weekends by having my groceries delivered- saves me a few hours so I can get to yoga. Lesson planning and grading homework takes up so much of my time. I’m trying to find easier ways of grading. I just crave more sleep.
Things just seem to look so much better on a good night’s rest.

As for DDs continued statements of feeling useless, my mantra to her is, this too shall pass. Remember my good friend and try to have hope.
I try not to validate the invalid-so I say, I see you are feeling down right now... .

Daisy123

[wendydarling]

Hi Daisy

Oh for home deliveries and more yoga time for you! Good move Daisy, carving out as much time you can for you, quick wins. I’m taking some time off work later in the month, I’ll be including an early evening swim everyday at our local lido to get into the routine.  My aim is to continue when I return to work, though it’s more likely to be every other day to start with. I’m really looking forward to it, I think it’s just what my mind and body need! There are some groovy swimming costumes I’m eyeing up.

I think you are right, if you think your DD is going through serious withdrawal from her meds, sit it out, acknowledge, validate. This is 'work' your DD has decided to do, taken responsibility for. And if she decides to have another try with the meds again it’s her decision and responsibility to comply and take control. I kept all meds underlock when my DD was in first in crisis, I handed back to her when she was still in crisis, her daily meds left on the kitchen table each morning and then gradually increased to a few days supply, weekly, monthly.

I focused on the glimpses of DD’s self-care, not the state of her bedroom, that symbolised her mind for me, nor what she could not do, yet. And that still applies, today. I don’t push her into what she can’t handle, I could easily tip her overboard.
 
You clearly have a good understanding and loving relationship with your DD.  She is young.

What’s the bed hopping about?

WDx