So confused as to what is best for my family

[GingerCookie]

Hi,

I am new to the site. I strongly believe that my husband shows many traits of BPD. This seems to have become particularly difficult after the birth of our son 3 years ago. But if I am honest with myself, the traits were there since I first met him over a decade ago. I don't know what to do. I feel emotionally drained. It seems we are always fighting. I have stopped trying to disagree with him or avoid speaking with him with my true feelings to avoid sparking a fight.

My three-year old is watching. Sometimes I think that so long I do my best to keep the peace at home and not trigger my husband I can keep our relationship going long enough for our child to grow up. But I wonder sometimes if exiting the relationship may be healthier for my son.

It is extremely difficult to see my husband change moods so much and get triggered so easily. People outside of the home say he is the friendliest, nicest guy ever. He sometimes is that way at home but at home he can also get ugly and yell and throw things. It is scary to watch.

I hope I can gain some insight about this in this website.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[macarena]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story.
“People outside of the home say he is the is the friendliest, nicest guy ever” - I can so relate to that. The most heartbreaking thing for me is that he really IS all that - nice and kind and helpful. But the people outside don’t see the whole person, they get only the superficial interactions, in which the possibility to be triggered/ scared is slim.
Only you can decide if you can stay in your relationship and what is best for your child. I can totally relate to feeling drained and exhausted (and I am not married). For me, reading the materials on this site and books on BPD has been very enlightening as to what I can try doing to save the relationship.
Also, please never compromise your safety if you feel like things can get physically violent.

[Radcliff]

I have stopped trying to disagree with him or avoid speaking with him with my true feelings to avoid sparking a fight... .

Sometimes I think that so long I do my best to keep the peace at home and not trigger my husband I can keep our relationship going long enough for our child to grow up.

15 years is a long time to go with things the way they are.  I am not suggesting how you resolve the relationship, we're here to support you whatever path you take.  But avoiding disagreement, stuffing your own feelings, and doing whatever it takes to keep the peace is not going to be healthy for you and your son.  We can help you develop healthier coping skills.  It's crucial that you not lose yourself in all of this.

Can you describe a situation in day-to-day life that happened recently that is an example of one of the things you'd most like to have go better?

RC

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us.  So many of us are in similar situations and understand how complicated these relationships can be.

I want to encourage you, along with macarena to read the articles available here as well as the posts of other people.  Jump in and respond and you will find it is very helpful for you too.

Radcliff is correct when he says it is vital you don't lose yourself in the relationship. 

But avoiding disagreement, stuffing your own feelings, and doing whatever it takes to keep the peace is not going to be healthy for you and your son.

This.  Remember and focus on this. 

It is good to have you here though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  I hope to hear more from you soon.

[Alia]

I could have written this post.

It is exactly what is happening with me. My son is 2,5 and for us it also got really bad after his birth, though with hindsight the traits were there. And the nicest person outside the house, yes. To me also, yes, which is why I have not given up. But episodes of rage in which his voice and person just seems to change. Verbal abuse, threats, nastiness. 1,5 years ago we started couple's therapy and she diagnosed him with depression and later, only to me, suggested to research borderline. I am also new to this board, learning, and trying to apply the communication tools. Not doing super great so far. Husband has left the house with a bag just this morning, saying he cannot be with me. And I know he will come back. If the relationship has to end then I will have to make that decision and stick to it. I am also in huge doubt whether staying together or divorce is better for my child. He witnesses fight sometimes and I am trying to end that as first priority. But he also always asks where is papa when he is not at home and when he is not there due to a fight it just breaks my heart.

So I don't have the solution but I just 100% recognise myself in this post and hopefully we can help each other.

[GingerCookie]

Thank you to all for your responses and for your encouraging words. One of you asked me to describe something that occurred recently that I wish went better. Here it goes:

On Friday night, I was home with my 3 year-old son and my husband was out working. I made dinner and texted husband to see if he wanted to stop by for dinner before returning to work. He did. Earlier in the week, despite me working outside of the home too, I had been able to do laundry, dishes, clean and cook. So when my husband came home he commended me by saying "you are incredible".

On Friday though I had a sore throat so did not pick up and dishes had accumulated. When my husband got home to eat dinner and saw the mess he began to throw dishes into the sink, making a lot of noise.

I was across from the kitchen watching tv with our son. When our toddler saw his dad throwing things, he pointed at him and said "oh oh", then looked at me for direction.

In a half playful tone I told my husband: "daddy, can you please bring it down a notch, our son is picking up on what is going on". To which he replied in a firm, angry voice "don't talk to me now". While he continued with his dish rampage. So I took my son upstairs to his room and closed the door. Trying to soothe him, I told him that just because daddy is not feeling well doesn't mean we can't feel well, and that we did not do anything bad.

When I heard things had calmed down downstairs, I went back with our son to finish feeding him. I think things would have still been ok, but my husband said "oh, you took our son upstairs to make him afraid, so you could show him how scary daddy can be".

Since he mumbled, I said sorry, I didn't hear you. He went upstairs and said that is fine. Later when our son and I went upstairs to put him to bed, husband said "I'll get out of your way since I'm such a terrible father". I ignored the comment.

The following day I tried speaking with him about the issue but he turned it around saying there are many things about me that he worries can be hurtful to our son. But would not take responsibility for his actions. I could go on and on. But these are the essential parts I think.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for telling us the Friday story.  Working through how to handle situations and use new strategies and tools is a great way to benefit from the message board.  Before I get into that, though I wanted to respond to what you said, and others have echoed about our pwBPD acting great in front of others and only showing their difficult side to us.  This is a common experience, and it can be tremendously isolating.  We can become afraid that nobody would believe us, and not reach out for help and support.  We may start to doubt our own perceptions of the situation.  Coming here helps us get support in an understanding environment, and a "reality check."

Back to the Friday story, that was a good call to first make an effort with your husband in as low a conflict way as you could, then remove your son from the situation.  Do you think that your husband heard you say what you did to your son about still being happy if his dad wasn't?

RC

[GingerCookie]

Hi RC,

Thank you for your comments. To answer your question, no, I think there is 0% chance my husband would have heard what I told our son. He was still throwing dishes in the sink downstairs, and I had removed myself and our son to our son's bedroom upstairs, behind closed doors so as to minimize hearing the commotion downstairs.

[Radcliff]

To answer your question, no, I think there is 0% chance my husband would have heard what I told our son. He was still throwing dishes in the sink downstairs, and I had removed myself and our son to our son's bedroom upstairs, behind closed doors so as to minimize hearing the commotion downstairs.

OK, that's very good, thanks for clarifying.

This is peer support, and I'm not an expert, so let me humbly offer some thoughts for consideration and see if they ring true to you.  First, let me reiterate that nondramatically moving your son away from the commotion was a great first step. My basic suggestion after that is to reverse the flow of information/feelings to be from your son to you, not the other way around.  It's super important to kids' healthy development for them to be safe to form and express their own feelings.  Saying that it's OK for you both to be happy even if Daddy isn't may send your son a message that he needs to pretend to be happy in order to make you comfortable when Daddy is acting out.  I don't believe that is your intent at all -- it's just that these situations are super tricky.  

Another way to do it is, when you get to the quiet place, ask him what he is thinking or feeling.  He might say something about what Dad's going, or he might be oblivious and tell you he's hungry or wants you to read to him.  If he's oblivious, leave it alone.  If he has thoughts or feelings about what's going on, validate them.  If he has questions, you can answer them.  Those thoughts, feelings, or questions can be your points of departure for a teachable moment.  It takes some skill to do it without downgrading his father in his eyes (this is not just to be nice to your husband, kids need to see both parents as good).  If he asks about Dad, you could say, "Daddy's upset.  When you are upset, sometimes you make loud noises.  But what are some other choices for things you can do when you're upset?"  You've gotten him away from the commotion and are giving him attention, so he feels safe, and then you're making it about him and his choices, which works towards your goal of him not learning bad behaviors, without doing any extra damage to his feelings towards his father.

You know your situation better than any of us.  Does this advice sound potentially useful to you?

RC

[GingerCookie]

Yes RC, sounds like very good advice to me. I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate it very much.

[Radcliff]

Yes RC, sounds like very good advice to me. I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate it very much.

Glad it was helpful.  It's been about a week since the last incident you spoke of.  How has the week gone?

From your introduction, it sounds like things are wearing you down.  Can you describe one or two recent fights, with some detail about how they started, who said what, etc., and we can see if we can think of ways to approach things that would result in less wear and tear on you?

RC