Rage - what do I say or do

[Elva]

What do I say / do when the BPD is in a full blown rage?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[macarena]

Hi Elva,

I don’t have much experience but I think interacting with anyone who is in rage is not productive. From what I’ve read so far, maybe validating their feelings and suggesting to talk later might work, something like “I see that you are upset. Let’s talk about it when we are both calmer” and then leaving the room?
Let’s see what other members say.

[once removed]

hi Elva and

can you tell us more? what are the full blown rages like? what tends to trigger them?

[Turkish]

Hi Elva,

I'm glad you found us  and I'd like to join the others in welcoming you here  

What specifically is going on and how can we help? How have things been since you first posted?

T

[Elva]

I am new to this site as well. I am
Certain my husband has BPD and will not go to treatment.
He experienced a rage yesterday and has not come home ... .
He was threatening suicide ... .
Please help
I’m lost and confused"

[isilme]

Hi Elva.  I'm sorry you had to find us, but glad you did find us - we've all been the subject of one kind of rage or another at some point.

Can you describe a common way a rage event may take place?

What does he do?  How much warning do you have it's coming?  What does he do when enraged?  How do you usually react?  How long does it last?  Are there stages you can identify to feel out when it's ending?  Are there kids or others in the house to have to protect?

I've been with H going on 23 years now, known about BPD about 13 of that time.  I am codependent, and my need to placate his emotions, to try to manage them for him actually lead to more rage events than when I stopped.  I started working out how my "reverse BPD" (a term I've seen used for codependency) was making thing escalate, driving him towards being more and angrier, and how I could change what I do to stop the cycle, make it happen less often, and less intensely.  All in all, while rages will always happen, I think we are better than 10 years ago.  I just want you to know YES, things CAN improve, but it takes time for both of you to develop new ways to interact and manage emotions.  The hardest things for you to learn I am guessing, letting go of feeling it's your job to manage his emotions, feelings, and "make things better".

The first thing to try when a rage is starting, or full-blown - try to leave the situation.  However, you can.  Depending on how bad the rage is, if it's just starting, or if it's in a crazy-level, I have a few strategies that help me simply get out of the room (mostly). You may find you can't always do it, but it's the first way to change things up.

We leave because our simple presence is causing anger.  BPD makes us the blame for all negative feelings and emotions, the target to expel all bad feelings.  If we stay and take it and engage, we are actually enabling, playing the familiar game BPD wants to play.  My H can't process bad emotions well unless he yells at someone - guess who is most available?  Me.  By removing myself as I can (If it's early, I leave the room, and go take care of a chore I've neglected.  Thank goodness laundry always needs folding.  It gets me away, and he can't claim I simply ran away when I am folding his socks.  And, I think I find doing chores, seeing things get tidy to be soothing for me), I force him to resolve his emotions alone.  He needs to self soothe, a skill toddlers are supposed to learn, but pwBPD missed class that day.  I mow the lawn, I go to the store.  I remove myself not to control him, but to simply not be present to be yelled at.  Why stay?  BPD is an emotional disorder - I won't "win" by using reason or logic or facts.  I can't "win".  I can just diffuse the situation, and refusing to argue by not being present is one way to do this.

Can you find a way to leave the room or house when a rage is happening?

[isilme]

Breaking things apart because I write too long, sorry.

Suidice threats.  These are scary.  I tend to lean on the idea that people who follow through often don't make threats about it, but I've not looked up data.  This is just my experience. 

BPD makes him want to make you hurt as bad as he does, so he will say and do many things to force you to feel his emotions.  They need validation.  They need to feel their feelings are acceptable and seen as "right".  You having any differing idea, thought, or feeling, in a period of emotional instability, is invalidating, it's telling them they are "wrong".  This leads to feelings of shame, and BPD wants to avoid shame and blame.  So, everything is projected back ont you.

Have you called anyone about this?  Does he have friends or places he'd go if not coming home?  How are you doing?  Do you have anyone to turn to yourself?