addicted to addicts

[hotncold]

I've recently had an lightbulb moment about my patterns in relationships and close friendships. As it turns out almost all my very close friends for the last ten years and/or serious relationships were with alcoholics or addicts.

My ex-boyfriend of 4 years was an alcoholic. I didn't know it (he hid certain parts of it to me) until he came out and told me he'd been coming home late because he was out chugging a bottle a wine in a field. I asked him to go into recovery and he yelled at me for it. I ended it.

My BPDex was a recovered heroin addict, when I met him he was using cocaine and alcohol.

My two female best friends were raging alcoholics who would often pass out drunk to the point where sometimes they weren't sure if they'd been slipped the date rape drug or were just too drunk... .those friendships dwindled when both of them left the country.

Another close friend of mine is addicted to weed... .he even admits he has a problem and has enormous shame and guilt about it. Our friendship waxes and wanes. We won't talk for a year, then we'll get really close and then it will again dwindle or explode in a fight. This time I told him that I could not have a close friendship with an addict.

The thing is that no one in my family had substance abuse issues. My mother is uBPD and was incredibly emotionally abusive growing up.

More recently I have formed new friendships with recovered addicts. Two of my closest friendships that have formed in the past year are with a recovered heroin user, and an alcoholic who is in recovery. I a hoping that this is also a sign of my own emotional recovery? In the past year I have formed friendships that I have found incredibly rewarding, nurturing and fulfilling.

Has anyone attended Al Anon? Does anyone have insight into this kind of pattern.

I have finally realized that I am making choices in friendship that are seriously affecting my well being. I have also finally realized that I have other options. I used to resent my alcoholic friends for being flaky, and was always upset that I didn't have other people who were more reliable. While I used to drink to excess when I was in my twenties, I seriously stopped doing it when I was in my thirties. I really didn't like how I felt from it. This applies to all drugs and alcohol.

I think I used to think I was the problem with the addicts. That they were flaky because I wasn't good enough. I understand that it's not the case. They are simply addicts and will continue to be flaky. One of my alcoholic female friends is returning to where I live and I've heard that her drinking has gotten even worse. I plan to tell her the same thing: I cannot have a close relationship with an addict/alcoholic. I suppose this is my way of staging an intervention. It's also me being very honest.

I would very much like to be able to read more resources on this. What is it about these addictions that was so attractive/familiar for me? Where can I find support groups for this kind of behaviour? Is anyone familiar with linkages between uBPD parents and subsequent familiarity in the world of addicts? Does a pwBPD behave like an addict? If so what is their "substance"? Sorry for hte long thread but I've just put all these pieces together.

[hotncold]

I've just recently told one of my addict friends that I could not maintain a close friendship with him because of his addiction. He told me I'm losing my marbles... . 

[once removed]

What is it about these addictions that was so attractive/familiar for me?

often times, there is a pay off. its not always obvious or intuitive.

what do you think it might be?

[hotncold]

hi... .what do you mean by a payoff?

One thing that being with recovering addicts has done is that I sometimes find myself feeling a bit vulnerable and in more emotionally "embarrassing" situations where I have to express positive feelings of friendship and affection which doesn't come to me naturally and which I used to consider as cheesy and inauthentic. There is a closeness there that also makes me feel a bit uneasy at times. Like... .if I get too close will I get blowback. I haven't gotten it though. They keep wanting to spend time with me, making time for it, and being available and talking about important life and relational topics in mature and healthy ways. And they are constantly valuing me and our friendship, in the way they talk, and the way they act. This is all very new territory. Because I know I should reciprocate and it's not always easy nor does it come naturally.

Maybe the lack of intimacy I had with addicts was in fact a comfort zone and I was not challenged to really get close to people and could consider myself "superior" to them in a way.

While the friend I recently made an intervention with told me that he was relieved I was ending the friendship because he was fed up with me anyway, I told him I valued the friendship and it was difficult for me to do what I was doing. That is something I have only recently learned to do. To value something even if the other devalues. I also owned that I am angry with him. He owned nothing.

[zachira]

You might try an Al-anon support group which helps people who are involved with addicts. So many of us are caretakers and want to help others. We have to learn who we can help and who we can't, which is not easy after years of care taking others who do not improve or appreciate us. Just speaking from a life time of experience of care taking my family members with BPD and NPD, and things only getting worse not better.

[hotncold]

Yes. Thank you very much for the advice. I think the thing that was fundamentally life changing for me was when I moved from relationships that do not value me (idealization is not valuing) to relationships that do. It felt weird. And from time to time it still does. A little voice often pops up telling me I am undeserving of the kindness that people show me. Or telling me that because there is kindness it cannot be authentic. But I am convinced I am moving forward.

I had moved away from my city a year ago and over the past year I built new relationships and friendships that were nothing like my old life. I am preparing to move back now, but I don't want to "go" back to the life I had. I need to keep building a circle around me that will give me what I need. I guess I have started with my first intervention. I will have to do another intervention with another friend. But I need support. Because as I've now realized with the latest friend who I've told I cannot tolerate someone in the throes of addiction there is blowback from them. "You've lost your marbles" is triggering for me.

I need support to continue to build a new life for myself, to stay strong and keep moving forward.

[Turkish]

Maybe the lack of intimacy I had with addicts was in fact a comfort zone and I was not challenged to really get close to people and could consider myself "superior" to them in a way.

I was thinking maybe along these lines and then you said it.

Thinking about my own attraction to dysfunctional people in the past, I think that maybe the dysfunction dominates the relationship,  pushing aside real intimacy which requires vulnerability on both sides.  Maybe that was the payoff or "hook." What do you think?

[lighthouse9]

^this. I've been reading this thread, thinking about the payoff piece as well. I've been investigating my own attraction to dysfunctional people and agree that it has stood in the way of intimacy in the past. After my marriage ended, I can see how much intimacy we lacked and how much I desired it.

You're onto something here w/your musings about intimacy... .keep doing the hard work. I'll second the recommendation for Al Anon (and saw that you posted about it). I've only been a few times, but it was really helpful for helping me see some of my codependency issues in the past so I could do some of that work with a therapist. My split with my ex wife would have been a lot harder without having done that work. I'm now in the stage where I'm trying to build friendships that are equal and not based on dysfunction/saving someone or being saved by someone. It's different, to say the least 

[once removed]

i think its one very difficult thing to be open to these notions, i think its even harder to really see it. well done. that is seriously hard work.

generally speaking, in codependent type relationships there is usually a pay off. it can come in many forms... .feelings of self worth, self esteem, validation of particular qualities about us, a need to be needed... .certainly, this can translate to a sense of superiority.

additionally, you have touched on a common theme of what may drive a person in this direction: fear or discomfort of real intimacy. this one can be even harder to see, because there are very few people in the world that dont consciously crave intimacy.

none of this is intuitive really, as these tend to be intense relationships that are in many ways very close in nature.

Because as I've now realized with the latest friend who I've told I cannot tolerate someone in the throes of addiction there is blowback from them. "You've lost your marbles" is triggering for me.

why have you chosen this method/strategy?

[hotncold]

why have you chosen this method/strategy?

Good question and it's one I am asking myself. When I finally had that lightbulb moment I realized that all the complaints I had against these friends: unreliable, immature, flaky, unpredictable... .they were all symptoms of addiction. I felt extremely empowered when I realized all this as well as my own pattern. I decided to tell my friend that I could no longer be close to him because i saw it as way to not get sucked back in to a close friendship with him. I can't fade on people. I can't ghost them. For me it was essentially putting up a boundary. If he returns - does the fade in which is what he always does - I know that I can revert to this boundary: are you in recovery? no? We can't spend time together.

I told him that my past pattern was to be close to addicts, and my new pattern was different and that I could no longer go back to my past pattern. Part of it felt good. It was an important boundary that I laid down with him. His reaction while initially angering made me feel a bit bad for him and reinforced his immaturity and the fact that if I continued with him I would continue to have to tolerate pettiness, unpredictable outbursts of rage, and unreliability. I know he wants to make changes in his life and he keeps talking about it which is probably why I've stuck around for so long. But having said it openly to him feels like I put a boundary down. There is one more friend I will likely have to do something similar with.

It feels like these friends are pulling me back into old patterns and so I am telling them no. It causes blowback, in ways that are triggering... .but at the same time I feel strong for doing it. I am still not sure that this is the right way to do it. The alternative is to fade away I suppose?

But I feel like I needed to speak my truth even if he behaved horribly. He told me that because of my current situation (I am currently between jobs) that it's making me crazy and I'm losing my marbles. This is hurtful mostly because he's attacking me, gas lighting me. It's toxic and hurtful and horrible. He's also targeting a vulnerability (being jobless).  I'm even wondering if he stopped using whether I could get along. His anger is a mix of microaggressions (he once told me casually that he regretted not having taken advantage of a friend of mine when she was passed out in his bed) and macroaggressions - full on episodes of rage. I know someone with healthier boundaries would have ended the friendship with him sooner. While I'm not sure if an open intervention was the right thing, I don't regret ending the friendship with him.

[hotncold]

additionally, you have touched on a common theme of what may drive a person in this direction: fear or discomfort of real intimacy. this one can be even harder to see, because there are very few people in the world that dont consciously crave intimacy.

I really like how you have put this. When I was with these addict type friends I felt so frustrated and lonely because I did crave intimacy. When I finally got intimacy from non-addicts I began to realize that I was very uncomfortable with it: I felt enormous shame and completely unworthy of kindness and attention and love. I had to simply "sit" with it, as anyone is asked to "sit" with discomfort during meditation and overcome what I suppose were patterns of avoidance. I am incredibly more joyful person, surrounded with truly genuinely helpful and supportive people for which I am eternally grateful. My life has changed considerably. I am hopeful. I am making plans for my life and I am incredibly excited. I never ever dared even dream of anything good for myself before it all. I just wanted "my" addicts to get better.

Now I am excited to be building a life that suits my needs.