New Member: How can I have a relationship with my mom?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't really know where to begin. I am here to hopefully find some tools to one day have contact with my mom again. We have been a combination of LC and NC over the past 4 years. NC with the exception of my grandmother's passing since December 2017.

We have always had somewhat of a surface relationship. We work in the same industry and she actually trained me. I finally went out on my own because we could not work together. She was this nice mom that wanted to help me with my career but then when I didn't do things the way she thought they should be done, I was the worst person in the world. I would get nasty emails about my horrible behaviour and how it all goes back to my childhood, my dad, my brother, and my moms sister.

4 years ago after a conversation about my grandma (mom's mom), I had enough. My grandma had been in and out of the hospital for the couple years prior. She was living on her own, driving, and was showing signs of dimentia. I had commented at one point about grandma and her driving but my mom made some comment not wanting to take her car away and about how she would need rides places so I let it go.

One weekend after a long few weeks with my grandma, my mom and her husband and my uncle and his wife went out of town together. My mom came back saying that my uncle has decided he would help more (he lives 1.5 - 2 hours away) and that my aunt said she thought grandma shouldn't be driving anymore. I said oh, I've been wondering about that for a couple of years now. My mom said, I've got to go and hung up the phone. I knew by the tone in her voice that things were not good at this moment. I decided texting would be the path of least resistance so I texted her, it sounded like you were upset by what I said. I'm sorry if I upset you. That was not my intention. I love you and hope you have a good day. A few minutes later she accepted my apology then turned around and started in. Texting with she knows that I'm having pow wows with a friend, my attitude has changed, and more. I let her know that I was working and that I couldn't have this conversation right now. She let me know that there was nothing else to discuss. So I left it at that hoping that she would calm down and things would be "normal" tomorrow.

The next day came and when I opened up my emails, there was the first of many angry emails letting me know how callous I am towards grandma, that she doesn't need my help with grandma anymore, that she's always kept a long term health care plan because she knew I would not be able to take care of her when she gets old, and so on. She also said that she was very angry and hurt and to not contact her, she'll contact me when she's ready to talk.

At this point I started seeing my therapist again. She helped me through the many hurtful emails and to this day continues to help me with the struggles that go along with no contact. My mom and I had a sit down hoping to work things out a little over 2 year ago. I thought I was ready but I was not! By this time my grandma was living in a care facility and every time something was needed, she told them to call me. She would not ever take care of anything that came up unless she was the only one that could. At this sit down meeting, she told me that I had no right to voice my opinion about my grandma. That pissed me off since I had spent the last 2+ years rearraging my life to help make my mom and grandma's lives easier. So I spouted, F*** you and walked out the door. To that, I received an email letting me know that she has decided that I am an alcoholic, I need serious help, and am passing my horrible behaviors onto my daughter. (Oh, btw... she is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in +/- 20 years)

About 9 months after that, she sends me an email that says she can't do this anymore, it hurts too much, she's taken legal steps to make sure I can't be her power of attorney, she has taken me out of her will, and that she wished I  that all this time she has been suggesting counseling and that I am just not willing to take the steps to make our relationship better. Quite frankly, I was scared to go to counseling with her and wasn't ready. I kept telling her that I wasn't ready and that maybe would could revisit that suggestion in the future. She asked to not be contacted after that email so I didn't.

September of 2017 (only 4 or 5 months after the previous email) I decided I was willing to give counseling a try. After a couple of weeks trying to find someone that we both agreed on (that was a chore!) we set up a date. We had 4 interesting sessions. Before the first one we saw each other for the first time and all she could talk about was her assistant who was getting her license in our industry and how proud of her she is. All I could think was that was a stab at me to make me jealous. This assistant is not too much younger than I am and they have this great relationship. So it did work but I didn't let her know that. After the third session, my husband was hospitalized on Nov 4, 2017 and was there until the end of the month. We decided to put counseling on hold so that I could concentrate on him. During that time, my mom offered to add a little extra to the food she was already making my brother. I politely declined. She checked on us sporadically throughout the month. She would ask how things are, I would respond, then I wouldn't hear from her until the next time she decided to ask how things were going. She invited my daughter and I to her house to bake cookies with her, my grandma and my grandma's friend. I know I was wrong in not responding to her but I couldn't think of a nice way to respond, so I didn't say anything at all. Our next, and last, counseling session was heated. She started off with she didn't think I was there to work on our relationship and why are we here. It was the first session I actually thought we were getting somewhere. We yelled and cried and talked. It was "good". The emails of the past few years came up. My homework assignment was to send them to the counselor and to my mom again as she said she didn't have them anymore. The counselor said that she would read them and we were to look at them and try to see things from the others perspective. She was going to take the Winter break to read the emails and would decide if we could move forward from here. As we walk outside the office, she says to me, can't we just call a truce and get to the love? I said get to the love? I'm still angry over things that have been said over the past 4 years. I'm not going to brush this under the rug and get to the love. She said, "all you had to say was no" I told her I hoped she had a good holiday season and got in my car and drove away. After that, she sent me an email saying that she was no longer going to counseling with me that I was not there to work on our relationship and all I wanted to do was hold on to my anger. I haven't really talked to her since then. My grandma passed away in April 2018 and we were able to be cordial there. My nephew came into town in June and she took him and my daughter on a fun outing one day. We were talking and she sent pictures of their adventures. I thought we were on the right track to maybe talking again. Then the day my daughter got her driver's license, I sent her a text with a picture of my daughter driving off waving out the window and said, Look out city... .this girls on the road! To this day I have not received a response from her.

I don't know where to go from here. She thinks that I talk crap to my daughter about her so she refuses to have an ongoing relationship with her. It's sad. She's missing out on a great kid. Thank you for reading this far. There is so much more that has happened over the past 4 years but I can't put it all in here. I got off the daily emotional roller coaster but now I'm searching for answers. Will we ever be able to have any sort of relationship again? I'm not sure but I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

[WknOnIt]

I don't really know where to begin. I am here to hopefully find some tools to one day have contact with my mom again. We have been a combination of LC and NC over the past 4 years. NC with the exception of my grandmother's passing since December 2017.

We have always had somewhat of a surface relationship. We work in the same industry and she actually trained me. I finally went out on my own because we could not work together. She was this nice mom that wanted to help me with my career but then when I didn't do things the way she thought they should be done, I was the worst person in the world. I would get nasty emails about my horrible behaviour and how it all goes back to my childhood, my dad, my brother, and my moms sister.

4 years ago after a conversation about my grandma (mom's mom), I had enough. My grandma had been in and out of the hospital for the couple years prior. She was living on her own, driving, and was showing signs of dimentia. I had commented at one point about grandma and her driving but my mom made some comment not wanting to take her car away and about how she would need rides places so I let it go.

One weekend after a long few weeks with my grandma, my mom and her husband and my uncle and his wife went out of town together. My mom came back saying that my uncle has decided he would help more (he lives 1.5 - 2 hours away) and that my aunt said she thought grandma shouldn't be driving anymore. I said oh, I've been wondering about that for a couple of years now. My mom said, I've got to go and hung up the phone. I knew by the tone in her voice that things were not good at this moment. I decided texting would be the path of least resistance so I texted her, it sounded like you were upset by what I said. I'm sorry if I upset you. That was not my intention. I love you and hope you have a good day. A few minutes later she accepted my apology then turned around and started in. Texting with she knows that I'm having pow wows with a friend, my attitude has changed, and more. I let her know that I was working and that I couldn't have this conversation right now. She let me know that there was nothing else to discuss. So I left it at that hoping that she would calm down and things would be "normal" tomorrow.

The next day came and when I opened up my emails, there was the first of many angry emails letting me know how callous I am towards grandma, that she doesn't need my help with grandma anymore, that she's always kept a long term health care plan because she knew I would not be able to take care of her when she gets old, and so on. She also said that she was very angry and hurt and to not contact her, she'll contact me when she's ready to talk.

At this point I started seeing my therapist again. She helped me through the many hurtful emails and to this day continues to help me with the struggles that go along with no contact. My mom and I had a sit down hoping to work things out a little over 2 year ago. I thought I was ready but I was not! By this time my grandma was living in a care facility and every time something was needed, she told them to call me. She would not ever take care of anything that came up unless she was the only one that could. At this sit down meeting, she told me that I had no right to voice my opinion about my grandma. That pissed me off since I had spent the last 2+ years rearraging my life to help make my mom and grandma's lives easier. So I spouted, F*** you and walked out the door. To that, I received an email letting me know that she has decided that I am an alcoholic, I need serious help, and am passing my horrible behaviors onto my daughter. (Oh, btw... she is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in +/- 20 years)

About 9 months after that, she sends me an email that says she can't do this anymore, it hurts too much, she's taken legal steps to make sure I can't be her power of attorney, she has taken me out of her will, and that she wished I  that all this time she has been suggesting counseling and that I am just not willing to take the steps to make our relationship better. Quite frankly, I was scared to go to counseling with her and wasn't ready. I kept telling her that I wasn't ready and that maybe would could revisit that suggestion in the future. She asked to not be contacted after that email so I didn't.

September of 2017 (only 4 or 5 months after the previous email) I decided I was willing to give counseling a try. After a couple of weeks trying to find someone that we both agreed on (that was a chore!) we set up a date. We had 4 interesting sessions. Before the first one we saw each other for the first time and all she could talk about was her assistant who was getting her license in our industry and how proud of her she is. All I could think was that was a stab at me to make me jealous. This assistant is not too much younger than I am and they have this great relationship. So it did work but I didn't let her know that. After the third session, my husband was hospitalized on Nov 4, 2017 and was there until the end of the month. We decided to put counseling on hold so that I could concentrate on him. During that time, my mom offered to add a little extra to the food she was already making my brother. I politely declined. She checked on us sporadically throughout the month. She would ask how things are, I would respond, then I wouldn't hear from her until the next time she decided to ask how things were going. She invited my daughter and I to her house to bake cookies with her, my grandma and my grandma's friend. I know I was wrong in not responding to her but I couldn't think of a nice way to respond, so I didn't say anything at all. Our next, and last, counseling session was heated. She started off with she didn't think I was there to work on our relationship and why are we here. It was the first session I actually thought we were getting somewhere. We yelled and cried and talked. It was "good". The emails of the past few years came up. My homework assignment was to send them to the counselor and to my mom again as she said she didn't have them anymore. The counselor said that she would read them and we were to look at them and try to see things from the others perspective. She was going to take the Winter break to read the emails and would decide if we could move forward from here. As we walk outside the office, she says to me, can't we just call a truce and get to the love? I said get to the love? I'm still angry over things that have been said over the past 4 years. I'm not going to brush this under the rug and get to the love. She said, "all you had to say was no" I told her I hoped she had a good holiday season and got in my car and drove away. After that, she sent me an email saying that she was no longer going to counseling with me that I was not there to work on our relationship and all I wanted to do was hold on to my anger. I haven't really talked to her since then. My grandma passed away in April 2018 and we were able to be cordial there. My nephew came into town in June and she took him and my daughter on a fun outing one day. We were talking and she sent pictures of their adventures. I thought we were on the right track to maybe talking again. Then the day my daughter got her driver's license, I sent her a text with a picture of my daughter driving off waving out the window and said, Look out city... .this girls on the road! To this day I have not received a response from her.

I don't know where to go from here. She thinks that I talk crap to my daughter about her so she refuses to have an ongoing relationship with her. It's sad. She's missing out on a great kid. Thank you for reading this far. There is so much more that has happened over the past 4 years but I can't put it all in here. I got off the daily emotional roller coaster but now I'm searching for answers. Will we ever be able to have any sort of relationship again? I'm not sure but I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi WknOnIt, 

Welcome! We are very glad to have you here. You will find as you read other posts that you are not alone. There is a lot to explore and read on our site, and a great place to begin is the list on the right hand side of our board. ----->> >

You asked if you will ever be able to have some sort of a relationship with your mom. It is hard to say. I know that most of us with a BPD parent struggle to maintain connection, and we always hope for more. For most of us, that is the hardest part, the hope that we don't see fulfilled.

I can offer encouragement that as you seek to find healing for the wounded places within you that your uBPDm has not been able to fill, there will most likely be empowerment and encouragement and a greater sense of settling within you. It won't come overnight, but as you move forward, there are a lot of healthy things you can do for yourself to meet the needs you have.

What do you think?
Wools

[yamada]

Emotional blackmail is a great book to know the tricks about how these people operate. sounds like he has found your hard wired buttons and pushes them. One of the things I have found is that I accept that I am different from them. I dont play the games that they do. Nor do I want to. There is nothing wrong with being different or having 'changed" if you are who you want to be. The rest with dragging people into it is an old cheap trick of trying to cause shame. Keep asking quesitons here.

[isilme]

There is nothing wrong with being different or having 'changed" if you are who you want to be

I like this ^^^^

I am NC with my mom.  She can't understand I am not her property, her doll, her chance to relive life, and is invalidated every time I assert myself as an individual.  Invalidation led to attacked, guilt trips, etc.  Add to this she was used to child-Isilme being her caretaker (I was her mother) and things are a bit of a mess, and she was mad I did not quit college or my job, leave my BF (now Husband) and come back to wait on her hand and foot.

I got called lots of things, have had strangers message me telling me how horrible I am as a daughter, even a half-brother mom gave up for adoption as an infant who has since found us, none of them lived it, so it's easy for them to set boundaries, to see her as a sad victim. 

BPD parents have little to no boundaries and see you as property to control, take pride in or shame as needed. 

She thinks that I talk crap to my daughter about her so she refuses to have an ongoing relationship with her. It's sad. She's missing out on a great kid.

Unless she can believe she can control all of the narratives, yes, she will miss out on this.  Please let your daughter know her grandmother is not well emotionally in an age-appropriate way, so she knows it's not about her.  I was hurt very badly by my BPD dad's disordered mother ignoring me my whole life.  She only paid attention to me when I landed on her doorstep during dad divorcing my mom at 15. Our birthdays are 5 days apart, and she never called, sent a gift or card.  Her best compliment to me was "at least you're the smart one," comparing me to my cousin, who was very pretty.  So I'm smart but ugly, she's pretty but stupid.  Got it.  Anyway, let your daughter know this has nothing to do with her.

Other than that, I'd accept NC/LC and run with it.  What do you get from being in contact?  Would you work so hard to maintain a relationship with an ex-lover who treated you like this?  "Mother" is not a title granting access for abuse for all ages to come.  It's actually a title full of certain responsibilities, that a BPD mother often fails to fulfill.  I kinda see BPD mothers as being in breach of contract... .which makes my obligations null and void. 

I see H's mother because even though she makes us sad, we DO want to see her.  And she's on the disordered spectrum herself as a hoarder.  But most of her actions are self-harming, things we can't stop her from doing.  My mother saw me as property, tried to steal my identity, and so I can't be in contact.

It's okay to be NC.  If you want time to learn more about BPD, seek therapy on your own, and then feel up to reengaging, go for it.  NC is not forever unless you need it to be.  You get to set the rules and boundaries around access to you.

[Learning2Thrive]

  WknOnIt,

It’s been a few days, how are things going? How are you doing?  I hope you’ll pop back in and let us know when you have a moment.

Sending you good thoughts and positive energy,

L2T

[Harri]

WknOnIt, how are you?

I am here to hopefully find some tools to one day have contact with my mom again.

You said you are not ready to give up on a relationship yet and that is okay.  Not everyone decides to go no contact.  Some, like me, had limited contact with boundaries as I learned to implement and enforce boundaries, set limits for myself and my mom and began to separate emotionally so that her behavior did not have the same devastating effects.  It is possible.

Have you seen our article on the Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle?  This is an excellent article that helps you see the dynamics that are going on and helps you get out of conflict.

Another article you may find useful is one on Projection.  Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

These are just two articles that came to mind when reading your post.  I hope you find them helpful.  If you have any questions or these articles miss the mark, let me know.  We can figure something else out.