My husband got bad news tonight

[lonely38]

My BPD husband found out today that his 63 yr old brother was diagnosed with alzeimers.  He seemed to have little reaction to the news, saying, 'add one more thing to the list'.  Is this normal?  If that were my sibling I would be very sad to hear this terrible news.
We are just back from a disaster vacation and still are very little.  I am trying a new therapist tomorrow and may seek some emdr therapy.  I have just reached a place where everything is rotten 'nearly all the time' and is has worn me out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[macarena]

Hi lonely,

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I hope sharing your experience here offers you some insight and possibly some tools to approach it. What happened during your vacation if you don’t mind sharing?

As to the bad news, Everyone handles grief/difficulty differently. For some people, it takes time just to process something happened. Some try to push it away at first because it’s just too difficult to deal with. I’m sure it’s not easy for your husband, he just might not be able to express his emotion, at least now.

[lonely38]

Thank you for your reply.  I can see that about everyone tends to look at grief differently and process differently.

As to our vacation, we had an argument in the first 2 days of it.  Unfortunately, that argument pretty much took us down for the rest of the time there and even now as we are back home.  I can just see so much how my BPD husband handles conflict and how he distances himself.  I have spent time the last few days reading the book, walking on eggshells' and it explains so much to me about how my husband thinks.  It also gives me clarity on BPD and how I should be handling things.

Because all the stress is now playing havoc on my body and created anxiety, I am finally starting to seek help for myself.  What I am still working on is to not focus so much on my husband's stuff and instead focus on getting healthier myself.  That is way easier said than done.

The whole pattern of back and forth for our entire marriage has been an exhausting one.  I just wish I had figured some of this out before 38 years of marriage went by. 

[macarena]

Thank you for sharing!

I think it’s great that you are seeking help. Self-care is important (and also difficult in these situations). How exactly does your husband distance from conflict?
I myself am struggling with the way my very close friend handles a difficult situation (complete silence and ignoring), so I can imagine how difficult it must have been for you over the years.
Sending you strength!

[Notgoneyet]

The whole pattern of back and forth for our entire marriage has been an exhausting one.  I just wish I had figured some of this out before 38 years of marriage went by. 

  L in co, 
 Sorry your having such a rough time, Oh the so called (vacations) that have ruined by this BPD stuff   I'm right there w you married for 36 together 40 to my uBPDw.  Sometimes still can't bl I've only found this site a yr ago. Had been reading self help & relationship repair type books for 20 yrs before I ever heard the term BPD from one of our many MC.  I say better late then never.   From reading your posts it sounds you are getting off to a great start w selfcare & T   . Keep it up & hopefully like me you will notice the payoff in short order. This site is such a wealth of knowledge, support, & understanding ! 
   NGY  

[Radcliff]

I also found out about BPD and found this site after decades of marriage.  Like Notgoneyet, I say, "Better late than never!" I agree with macarena that it's fantastic that you are working on focusing on your own growth and healing.

The tools we teach here can make a big difference.  Can you tell us some detail about how the argument at the beginning of your vacation started and went?  There undoubtedly is some learning to be had there... .

RC