Mom with BPD living situation

[Donavan243]

Hi! I am new, I have been in search of a place to interact with others who have a loved one with BPD. This is my first post and I am going to start out from the beginning asking for advice and for stories from others who have been in similar situations. A little background, My mother struggles with BPD like behaviors, never given a formal diagnosis due to the fact she has been to 2 different professionals and immediately decided they were against her and would not return or take any of their support/advice. I have not lived in the same state as her for years and recently decided I would like to move close to her. I'm 30 and single so it was easy to do. We have a good relationship, as long as I stay mellow and aware of my responses and when there is an argument it is quickly forgotten and ignored by her in order to maintain this feeling of a good relationship. Per her multiple requests, I moved in with her. I was against this at first but realized it allows me to save money and I hoped it would help her to see my love everyday, and feel less alone. I was clear from the beginning it would not be permanent.

It has been 5 months and she has recently bought a new house, this took over a year of looking at houses and putting in at least 6 offers on other houses only to back out due to one reason or another. Now I have moved in to the new house with her. She has deemed all bedrooms in the house unlivable except for the one she insisted I live in. So now, with both our beds in the one "livable" room I would really like to move out and in to my own house. I mentioned it today and immediately she began accepting the other bedrooms in the house and figuring out how to make them acceptable to her in hopes to keep me from moving out. Asking "well if I do ___ will you stay?" My mind is cycling from thinking "I want out of this situation and out from under her control" and then thinking "How selfish am I, why would I abandon her when her house is in shambles and there are so many projects to complete that are overwhelming to her".

Anyone have any advice on how to respond or navigate this situation? I would love to hear any of your thoughts or stories!

[Turkish]

Is the house really in shambles or is that her perception?

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome Donovan243,

Many of us on this board have a mother that does not have an official diagnosis. If she is displaying BPD-like behaviors, you can find some great tools and support here.

Before I offer stories or advice, I have a question for you. Let’s set aside your care and concern for your mother for a moment. Let’s focus just on you.  What do YOU want for yourself and your life. What dreams do you have for your future?

I’m heading to sleepy town right now, but I will check back in tomorrow afternoon to see what your thoughts are.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

[Donavan243]

Is the house really in shambles or is that her perception?

It is her perception. She has made it a bit shamble-like by pulling out all the carpet and taking down cupboards in random places, pulling off baseboards, insisting these things need to be done immediately even though no professional is available to fix these things for the next 2 months due to the fact that this is a small town.

[Turkish]

I experienced kind of the opposite,  that my mother thought that her Hoard home which was literally falling down was livable.

How is her mental state otherwise with regards to finances and such?

I sense that you feel trepidation if you left,  like how would she do.  How do you think that she would do?

[Donavan243]

I experienced kind of the opposite,  that my mother thought that her Hoard home which was literally falling down was livable.

How is her mental state otherwise with regards to finances and such?

I sense that you feel trepidation if you left,  like how would she do.  How do you think that she would do?

Oh Dear! That would be a difficult situation as well.

Although not necessarily smart with money she is quite capable of maintaining her finances and has lived alone and independently for the last 5 years. My fear is that she will take my leaving as proof that I don't care about her and that my moving closer to her was for my own benefit. That she will spiral into feeling unloved and alone and not settle into this house she just bought, will sell it and continue moving around aimlessly, living out of boxes without a path or a home base to feel comfortable in, as she has for the last 5 years (since she left my father). I guess I put a lot of stock into the thought that buying this house would help settle her and help her get a little more regulated emotionally and I don't want to do anything to get in the way of that.

[Donavan243]

Welcome Donovan243,

Many of us on this board have a mother that does not have an official diagnosis. If she is displaying BPD-like behaviors, you can find some great tools and support here.

Before I offer stories or advice, I have a question for you. Let’s set aside your care and concern for your mother for a moment. Let’s focus just on you.  What do YOU want for yourself and your life. What dreams do you have for your future?

I’m heading to sleepy town right now, but I will check back in tomorrow afternoon to see what your thoughts are.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T

I imagine it is hard for others to obtain an official diagnosis and was curious, I'm thankful you mentioned that. Truly I have dreams of having my own home, decorating how I want, bringing home animals when I want, I am taking steps toward becoming a foster parent as that has been a goal of mine for quite some time now, one that I have put off too easily for far too long. And, a little further in the future, to have a family of my own, which I would love for my mom to be involved in. However, I don't want to one day not have my mother and look back and wish I had spent more time with her or put more effort in our relationship.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .
Truly I have dreams of having my own home, decorating how I want, bringing home animals when I want, I am taking steps toward becoming a foster parent as that has been a goal of mine for quite some time now, one that I have put off too easily for far too long. And, a little further in the future, to have a family of my own, which I would love for my mom to be involved in. However, I don't want to one day not have my mother and look back and wish I had spent more time with her or put more effort in our relationship.

This is excellent. I want you to know that it is not one bit selfish to want those things for yourself. It’s your life and as an adult you get to choose. Just like your mother chooses. We all have to live with the consequences of ourchoices, both good and bad.

From reading your initial post, itsounds like your mother maybe using FOG to manipulate or attempt to control you.  We have an article on FOG here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Does that article resonate with you at all?

L2T