New Relationship/ 'fleas' when she withdraws

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Have been seeing someone for a few months.

The relationship is going well for the most part but I'm finding it makes me worried/anxious when she withdraws.

After what I went through in a r/s with a pwBPD, I've been extra aware of patterns of hot & cold, actions not words, etc. My ex wBPD admittedly used silence to keep things off balance between us, as a form of control, and to run away when her emotions got too overwhelming.

The new lady doesn't show any signs of BPD, but does come from an abusive marriage and, in her words, isn't used to being with someone so nice, 'real', and "emotionally healthy".

But, when she withdraws, I find I get anxiety about it. Wondering if she's changing her mind about me/us, if she can't deal with things very well so shuts down, or... .I've offered to talk with her about anything at anytime, and we have. Although it's mostly been fun and sweet together without much heaviness.

This 'flea' from my past r/s is disconcerting, though. I don't want to take it personally, but find at times that I am. Like I need to be reassured she's 'still here'. I understand she's coming from a place where she learned to shut down to get through, and am hopeful that in time she'll feel more certain that she doesn't need to be that way with me. A

m posting this to hear how others have dealt with a similar situation. How to better handle the self-doubts and not take her occasional distance as something that makes me nervous. Yes, this is more about me than her.

Still working on myself... .Thanks.

[myself]

Have been seeing someone for a few months.

The relationship is going well for the most part but I'm finding it makes me worried/anxious when she withdraws.

After what I went through in a r/s with a pwBPD, I've been extra aware of patterns of hot & cold, actions not words, etc. My ex wBPD admittedly used silence to keep things off balance between us, as a form of control, and to run away when her emotions got too overwhelming.

The new lady doesn't show any signs of BPD, but does come from an abusive marriage and, in her words, isn't used to being with someone so nice, 'real', and "emotionally healthy".

But, when she withdraws, I find I get anxiety about it. Wondering if she's changing her mind about me/us, if she can't deal with things very well so shuts down, or... .I've offered to talk with her about anything at anytime, and we have. Although it's mostly been fun and sweet together without much heaviness.

This 'flea' from my past r/s is disconcerting, though. I don't want to take it personally, but find at times that I am. Like I need to be reassured she's 'still here'. I understand she's coming from a place where she learned to shut down to get through, and am hopeful that in time she'll feel more certain that she doesn't need to be that way with me. A

m posting this to hear how others have dealt with a similar situation. How to better handle the self-doubts and not take her occasional distance as something that makes me nervous. Yes, this is more about me than her.

Still working on myself... .Thanks.

[Skip]

I don't know if there is any merit to the idea of "fleas" - that we can catch some mental illness from a partner. I say this because you may want to direct your exploration in another direction.

Afer a brief reading of your past, I might look into attachment theory and attachment styles. You sound as if you have an insecure attachment style. That probably amplified the damage in your BPD relationship.

Your new girlfriend withdraws as a coping mechanism. Sensitive people do that. It's not a great coping.

I think you two have some working to do to over time to resolve it.

So what has happened recently? How does it tend to play out?

[gotbushels]

myself  

After what I went through in a r/s with a pwBPD, I've been extra aware of patterns of hot & cold, actions not words, etc.

I understand a bit of what this is like. It seems like you're sensitive when there's uncertainty in the relationship as a result of your experience with the previous relationship. If you're used to getting anxious feelings when you're faced with uncertainty, then I do want to share hope that you can adapt to different conditions.

The new lady [... .] in her words, isn't used to being with someone so [... .] "emotionally healthy".

I think that's a good sign that you're putting more positive foot forward early on.

So what has happened recently? How does it tend to play out?

I look forward to your sharing myself.

[tin]

As someone who withdraws when overwhelmed, and having exited a codependent relationship- I wonder if taking space can also be a healthy thing. That space apart, to process emotions, and disconnect from your partner, and to give some breathing room to cool down before diving into a discussion could be healthy as well.

I also wonder if/when I enter into a new relationship how to let go of fears of rejection/abandonment. Instead of clinging tighter and fighter harder to reclaim intimacy when a partner exhibits disinterest or not being ready to be there the ways I want- perhaps believing in myself that I am valuable and worthy with or without this partner. Without being overly attached to the idea of staying together and working things out. To release into the flow- and focus on my own personal and independent goals and efforts rather than pouring myself, my sense of self worth and value, and my happiness to be contingent on someone else. I'm not entirely sure how to get to that point, but I imagine it might give me more ease and confidence, and healthier dynamics within a relationship. And letting go of an imagined trajectory that a relationship needs to come to (does it need to be forever? end up in a lifelong marriage? or is it okay to be whatever it is?). Just focusing on myself, learning, growing, strengthening, and taking responsibility for being the healthiest and happiest I can be. And nourishing a wide variety of friendships and relationships that make me feel emotionally and intellectually connected and supported- outside of intimate relationship. Anyway, these are just the thoughts that arise in me, when reading your thoughts. Not sure how helpful or relevant they might be for where you are right now, but hope it might be.  

[Lucky Jim]

The new lady doesn't show any signs of BPD, but does come from an abusive marriage and, in her words, isn't used to being with someone so nice, 'real', and "emotionally healthy".

Hey myself, That sounds like an honest assessment from her about where she is at emotionally, which is to be encouraged.  I suggest you step back and try to let things unfold naturally.  In other words, let her be "herself" without taking on her issues as your own.  It's up to her to work through what it's like to be in a r/s with someone "nice, real and emotionally healthy," which is also a compliment to you.

LJ

[XSurvivorX]

I would say not to feel too disappointed in yourself, Myself.  Your r/s impacts you, and coming from something unhealthy and toxic can leave you battling with things for a while.  It's a knee-jerk, but as time goes on the more exposure you have with 'normalcy' I think you will start to become less anxious in those situations.

At the end of the day you both sound like you'd had to deal with some things, and each of you are on your own path (and trying to navigate what healthy relationships can be like!)   Thinking about it in retrospect, as compared to your before r/s anxieties, this is a relative good problem to have, no?

Be well -