Going Non-Contact

[Kermit]

Hi Everyone,


I am just a little sad today. I had to finally make the choice to go non-contact with my mother (and probably family will go hand in hand)

I am going to stay positive and say it might not be forever, but I just can't keep going in this cycle of love and hate. I needed time away so I can just see who I am on my own and to stand up for myself and say I will not take any more verbal abuse and broken boundaries.

In the last year and a half, since I had told myself things needed to change. I have moved a little farther away and started limiting how much we talked during the week (from every day to once or twice a week. I have attended the Family Connections course to help with communication and have gotten professional help, but nothing seemed to work.

Actually, it has only gotten much worse. My mom is now convinced I have a mental illness and my siblings are resentful of me because they are now taking the brunt of the relationship with mom.

So, I just can't see this getting any better. I said that I needed a break to sort out my feelings, but I know this will just fuel her idea that I have 'personality problems.' I thought it was better to put the blame on myself rather than tell the truth that I just cannot meet her standards and get along with her without giving up a part of myself.

I am hoping to get a few months off and see how I am without all this stress in my life. I was thinking about calling closer to Christmas. I am honestly freaking out inside because they are just going to hate me for this.

They won't understand or see how much I have been hurt over the years. I'm just the child. I am expected to conform and obey. "Honour thy mother and father." That saying (I have heard my whole life) is really bothering me lately.


Just a rant to people who might understand.

[zachira]

I hear your pain and sorrow about having to go no contact with your mother and likely will do so with the rest of the family. I admire your courage in doing what you need to do. I have gone low contact with my mother and two siblings who all have BPD and the hatred inflicted on me by all three of them has been unbearable at times, yet I cannot go on with how badly they treat me. Know that we are here to support you and listen. Keep us updated on how you are doing and how we can best support you.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Kermit, I can hear the distress in your post.  I’m so sorry for your pain.

... .
I am going to stay positive and say it might not be forever, but I just can't keep going in this cycle of love and hate. I needed time away so I can just see who I am on my own and to stand up for myself and say I will not take any more verbal abuse and broken boundaries.

This is completely understandable. You should not have to accept abuse.

So, I just can't see this getting any better. I said that I needed a break to sort out my feelings, but I know this will just fuel her idea that I have 'personality problems.' I thought it was better to put the blame on myself rather than tell the truth that I just cannot meet her standards and get along with her without giving up a part of myself.

Yes, we can not change anyone else. We can only change ourselves and our behaviors. And we must be our authentic selves to feel genuinely healthy and happy.

Also remember, you are not responsible for the feelings, choices or behaviors of other adults. No matter what they say or try to make us believe, we each must be responsible for our own.

They won't understand or see how much I have been hurt over the years. I'm just the child. I am expected to conform and obey. "Honour thy mother and father." That saying (I have heard my whole life) is really bothering me lately.

You’re right, they probably won’t understand. It’s likely they are incapable of understanding. But you understand and that combined with a lot of work will bring you to a much healthier, more positive and peaceful place.

Hang in there, Kermit.  

Just a rant to people who might understand.
[/quote]
Yes, we do understand and we are here for you.

 L2T

[Kermit]

Just an update and help with some text messages shes sending me.

I have been non-contact for 2 weeks now. I did tell my parents that I needed a few weeks apart to have some space from all the fighting.

Right after the two weeks was up, the next day she sent me this text message. She has sent me many messages like this one, they all have the same tone.

"you tol your dad you were going to call on sundays, then you texted him to tell him you were too busy to call for the next two sundays. I thought you were going to call this sunday. I don't know whats going on with you or where you are geting some of the ideas you have now. We got along fie or as well as most people do and I never fought with Gramma all the time. We only had one fight over you staying there. It seems to me liek youre distancing yourself from your family and friends. This is not good for you or the kids. Life is not easy these days and you may not think you need your family but you will. Its hard to talk to you since you wont come on and talk things out. I dont think dad or I have ever been mean to you or 'S' and I dont think we deserve what you are doing to us and the kids. You dont seem to realize that not bringing the kids into viit grandma and grandpa is probably very confusing and hard on them emotionally esecially when they are used to seeing us. It is not fair to make them suffer because you don't want to bother with your family. They always love coming over and we miss them. I thought you and 'S' and the kids can come for pizza Friday night or we can come and pick them up."


There are so many false things in this txt. My kids are totally fine, I have lots of friends and we are doing okay. Actually better than before since I am not receiving daily calls from my mom who is so critical, depressive and mean.

I guess I will txt her back today. I still need a bit more time. I am not coming back to the relationship just because she sends me a threatening guilt-ridden txt message. I have heard this exact type of message many times before.

[Harri]

Hi Kermit.  Good to see you.

Can you be okay knowing that you know the truth of your situation regardless of how she sees it?

[cedarview]

Hi Kermit,

I feel your pain as well. The sentiments your mother expresses in those text messages are designed to make you feel miserable and guilty. It's such as easy tool for the BPD to fall back on because it is usually pretty effective in getting the victim of abuse "back in line" and doing what the BPD wants them to do. Before both of my parents decided to place myself and my family on "permanent silent treatment" to punish us, I had a lot of conflict about even opening messages from them. I was pretty certain the messages would not contain anything to help me or make me feel better about myself; actually, just the opposite. Then I felt guilty because what if they needed my help? What if something terrible happened?

My parents also tried to use our kids, their grandchildren, as a weapon, stating that we were "withholding" the kids from them or that somehow the kids not interacting with their grandparents would damage the kids or other such foolishness. My parents won't understand that my kids world does not revolve around them. As long as my wife and I provide a loving home for them, they are fine. At this point they really don't want to have anything to do with my parents.

Have you thought about truly going no contact, blocking the texts and phone calls, and seeing if that is therapeutic for you?

Best,
Cedarview

[Kermit]

My hope was that with a few months away from each other I could 'toughen-up' and have a relationship with my parents and not really take it to heart when they get so upset with me.

Its only been two weeks and they have already started the guilt trip.

I think you are right that maybe the next step will be just not to open the message because I do know its not going to be helpful to read it.

I have tried the family connections approach were I acknowledge and validate their feelings but do not apologize for anything.

It is realllllllly hard to 'know the truth' and not fall into blaming myself.

Thanks for the advice

My gut tells me I can't take anymore and its not good for my marriage, self, or kids the way it is now and that reading the texts isn't helpful.


I responded with "I appreciate your concern, but we are all okay so not to worry and we will see you for a birthday dinner next month"

She responded with a demand that she was going to come and get the kids on saturday for a visit and she would be there in the morning.

I just said we were busy that day (which is true) but I didn't like the demand. She just doesn't see to get it or to stop or to see that she has been so hurtful towards me.

[Harri]

Kermit wrote: I just said we were busy that day (which is true) but I didn't like the demand. She just doesn't see to get it or to stop or to see that she has been so hurtful towards me.

I would not like the demand or the expectation of acquiescence either. 

Kermit, she *can't* see it and she *can't* see how she is hurting you.  It hurts, I know.  It hurts a lot and it is hard, but changing your expectations here, your expectation for her to be someone she is not or to do things she is incapable of, will lessen the hurt over time.  I say this whether you choose to re-establish contact on any level or go no contact.  Knowing her limitations will help you in the long run.

Kermit said:  I responded with "I appreciate your concern, but we are all okay so not to worry and we will see you for a birthday dinner next month"  You handled this very well.

They will increase their pushing behaviors and try to get you back in line.   Stand firm and do not validate the invalid (do not even deny her accusations and any attention, even negative attention, is validating to her).

Kermit said:  "It is realllllllly hard to 'know the truth' and not fall into blaming myself."
Over time, you will be able to have these sort of conversations without them affecting you so deeply as you keep working on this.  Even if you go no contact with them, you will need to work on separating the behaviors from you and detaching emotionally.  It is hard and it takes a lot of time. 

[Panda39]

I guess I will txt her back today. I still need a bit more time. I am not coming back to the relationship just because she sends me a threatening guilt-ridden txt message. I have heard this exact type of message many times before.

First of all you don't have to text her back today if you don't want to. 

Second of all to me her entire text is FOG (Fear, Obiligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail and designed to suck you right back into your usual role in the family and to where she is comfortable.

If you respond try not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) it will just get you pulled in further.  You decided to take time for you, that's it, you don't need to explain anything to her.  When we JADE it just takes us down the rabbit hole.

What is your plan going forward?

Panda39

[naturalturn]

Hi Kermit,

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I truly feel your pain. I am currently no contact with my mother (for 2 months now) and it was hard for me to get to this point.

Like others have suggested, I think it may be a good idea to consider blocking the contacts in your phone that are troubling you. I know personally I do not have the will power to just not read the text or just ignore it or delete without reading it-- these messages were making me feel terrible too. I had to block my mother's contact in my phone and this has helped me tremendously in maintaining this boundary. I think it's hard to see what no contact can help/change/heal until it's truly no contact at all... .of course, you need to decide what's best for you though. We are here to support you 

[cruiser23]

To the original poster,

the text you got... .struck a nerve with me. This could have been written by my mother too. You are not alone. My  mother told me from the beginning that I shouldn't trust my husband, and I shouldn't choose him over her because he will leave me, and she will be the only one there left to pick up the pieces and be there for me. And it haunted me for a long time. The hubs and I have struggled for a long time because of all the crap she says to me.

I truly appreciate you starting this thread and sharing your story, as I am learning so much from it.

I blocked my mom for the first time this weekend (and the family that lives w her, as she will automatically go pick up their phones and text me and act like them to get me to touch base with them). She always starts with "u ok" afterwards, which is so annoying to me (need to work on this). She always acts like she's the victim after she destroys one of us with her rage. It's exhausting.

This weekend was the best I had had in a long time. I got to relax, enjoy my husband and go do things with him without worrying about the phone going off. I feel like technology has made it so much harder to deal with her. When I was younger, and I didn't have a cellphone always around me, it was easier in some ways... .although then she would just call the police to come to check on me since I didn't answer the phone/wasn't in my dorm/apartment (embarrassing!)

Good for you for setting that boundary and respecting you and your family enough to enforce it. I'm going to keep following along, to see what else I can learn! There is so much to learn!

[naturalturn]

To the original poster,

the text you got... .struck a nerve with me. This could have been written by my mother too. You are not alone. My  mother told me from the beginning that I shouldn't trust my husband, and I shouldn't choose him over her because he will leave me, and she will be the only one there left to pick up the pieces and be there for me. And it haunted me for a long time. The hubs and I have struggled for a long time because of all the crap she says to me.

Hi Cruiser,

I relate strongly to your response to Kermit... .  My mother has always told me since I was a child that a man will never be there for me, a man will leave, men (in general) are terrible and can't be trusted. This has been troubling for me and led to me never going on date or having a boyfriend until I was 19 years old. Now, I am engaged and my mother still tells me that everybody will leave me eventually and she will be the only one there which is why I need to put her as my priority in life and dedicate my life to pleasing her.

This was actually the last thing she said to me before I blocked her 2 and a half months ago. I struggle now as I plan on legally getting married soon (the wedding won't be until September,) and with the holidays coming up, the guilt of not speaking to her is getting worse. However, the truth is, my life is so much better without her in it.

Hugs to you Cruiser, I know you understand 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Kermit:  First, I need to say I am new to this group, relatively new to the diagnosis of my child, who has BPD, and so please keep this in mind.
When I read your mother's post to you, what I saw was a lot of "You" and not any "Me" or "I."  I recalled all the times, while I was in therapy, that the therapist taught me that one finger pointed at another leaves four pointed at me, and that good communication must begin with me making statements about myself to others, and not starting my sentences with the "You."

So, my impression was that your mom needs therapy and a good therapist to learn how to talk about herself and not keep pointing to you and demanding of you.  I guess boundaries would be a good thing here, is what I am trying to say.  Maybe a response that requires she work with a therapist to help her communicate with you will be essential in order for you to be able to continue to engage the relationship.  She may or may not take your request or requirement in order to continue in an ongoing relationship with you, but certainly this would be helpful for both of you.

I chose to evict my daughter from my home due to the chaos that almost daily ensued when she was living with us.  It has been utterly painful for me, and to be honest, while I feel it was the better overall decision for us, I am still sad and hurting that it ever had to come to that drastic move, and I know she is young (almost 19), and still reasonably needs so much from her parents.  In the best of circumstances, she isn't able to provide fully for herself, yet, when she lives in our home, the dynamics are toxic and the results are more damage.  All that said, I think of her first thing when I wake up, all through the day, and at night... .wishing and wanting a solution to the questions of her needs and our (at present, but hopefully not always) difficulties communicating.

She has agreed to see a therapist for DBT and my husband and I will also see a separate therapist for the same.  I am hopeful that this will help us all to have a better way of communicating when we are together.  Until then, it is better that we not further harm each other with the dysfunctional things that go on when we are together.  Also, we need to break habits and cycles (ways of communicating) that have become the norm for us (while not being normal or healthy at all!). 

Working on myeslf and learning how to do better with her, for now, is the best course of action for us.  I am not putting a time on it... .because that stresses me... .so "no contact" is for now... .and hopefully won't be forever... .but anytime there is contact, I have to ensure my needs are met... .which those needs revolve around not having the interaction be chaotic and unloving/unhealthy.

I certainly understand your pain and the difficulties this presents for you emotionally.  I am right there with you.   

[Star0009]

I totally understand your pain and have gone non contact with my BPD mom for several years at a time on some occasions. I always got guilt from my grandmother to talk to the large family but the large extended family always snubbed me and verbally abused me. I have low contact with my mom and plan to go low contact with my grandmother and prob stay away from the extended family. I will no longer be attending holiday events. I also have a future BPD mil I have now chosen to happily go no contact with after years of manipulation from her. Its hard but you will get guilt trips from the BPD in yr life. They never take responsibility for their own actions and both women in my life love to trash talk me to others so even strangers hate me. I can see clearly now all the toxic behavior and abuse and the guilt doesn't get to me anymore. I have anger if anything as I've reached my limit. I see them and their behavior almost as contained in a jar so I no longer enmesh myself with their lives as they want, including guilt trips, and lies, even telling me things I said I never said. After reading your post I saw your Mom contained in the same jar away from you. It seems removing your children from the lives of a toxic person is a good thing. Its crossing boundaries her saying she will come get your kids. They are your children remember and she has no ownership over them or you. I have learned to love and want whats best for the BPD's in my life from afar but not get wrapped up in their lives as I need to protect myself from toxic people and find loving, healthy people in my life. Stay strong!

[cruiser23]

Hi Cruiser,

I relate strongly to your response to Kermit... . My mother has always told me since I was a child that a man will never be there for me, a man will leave, men (in general) are terrible and can't be trusted. This has been troubling for me and led to me never going on date or having a boyfriend until I was 19 years old. Now, I am engaged and my mother still tells me that everybody will leave me eventually and she will be the only one there which is why I need to put her as my priority in life and dedicate my life to pleasing her.

This was actually the last thing she said to me before I blocked her 2 and a half months ago. I struggle now as I plan on legally getting married soon (the wedding won't be until September,) and with the holidays coming up, the guilt of not speaking to her is getting worse. However, the truth is, my life is so much better without her in it.

Hugs to you Cruiser, I know you understand  

I completely understand! I have a lot of guilt having blocked my mom... .but at the same time, I feel so angry at her for treating me like this all the time... .I use that anger to suppress the guilt til I can work through it all... My mom continues to badmouth me to my brother (He still lives at home) and my dad (they're divorced but she's regularly calling and texting him again, after 20 years!) to try to turn them both against me... .If they can't see it, not my fault. Also not my problem!

We are both worthy of love, and I congratulate you on your upcoming marriage! It is actually terrifying, but don't believe what she said... .You are worthy of love and to be treated well... . You deserve to be happy. And not every man out there is terrible. Her messed up world is it's own tiny place, thankfully!

I'm super thankful I don't live in Mom-land all the time (mom's world). My  mom's been blocked for almost two weeks now, and although I wrestle with the guilt of it, I'm so much happier without her constant harassment!

Be strong!