Return of some confusing old feelings.

[duncsvoice]

Hey everyone,

I haven’t posted in a while, over two years on now and I’m healthy, mostly happy and have zero thoughts about my ex. Reached that blissful indifference stage about her (although I did see her around town recently and dodged her completely).

My post isn’t strictly about her, namely some very confusing feelings, the same ones I had in the week leading up to her moving out and moving on.

I’m a manager of a small team in a busy office, and interviewed a girl earlier in the year, offered her the job and she was a great employee. I’ve always liked to be there for my team whatever personal problems they have, but this employee had a few problems throughout the year which we just talked through and that was that. I’m very conscious of the fact the reason I had a superman syndrome/ white knight with my ex, but she had some family problems, a health scare and I was just there for entirely in a professional capacity so all fine.

Unfortunately her dad was very poorly, so she made the decision to back home 6 hours away... .but in the week before she left I found myself dreading the end of her final shift, and felt exactly the same as I did when my ex was about to move out. We were both incredibly upset when she left (I hate goodbyes) and in the days after she’s left I’ve felt so down, it feels like I’ve just broken up with someone and have really been struggling without her at work.

We’ve stayed in touch as I did her a reference for her new job, but these feelings have just completely thrown me, as they’re scarily similar to what I experienced just after my ex left.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I suspect it’s because we grew close without my realising, but I’ve had lots of staff move on that I’ve been friends with and haven’t given it a second thought.

Thanks I’m advance,

[schwing]

Hi Duncsvoice,

My post isn’t strictly about her, namely some very confusing feelings, the same ones I had in the week leading up to her moving out and moving on.

My thought is that, it is quite possible that you grew attached to your employee in a manner than was sufficiently reminiscent of your previous ex that you projected some of the grief/confused feelings left over from that relationship.

In my experience, for some years after my primary BPD relationship ended, I found myself projecting feelings left over from my BPD relationship onto other people near/close to me.  Sometimes it was inappropriate anger.  Sometimes it was intense attachment.  In all these cases, my emotions were wildly disproportionate from what I would consider normal or justified in the context of these secondary relationships/attachments. 

I found that I was more apt to do this (project inappropriate emotions) when I was either neglecting or in denial of my own emotions.  It bothered me that I took as long as I did to "get over" these feelings.  The more I fought it, the more it bothered me. My advice is that, it takes as long as it takes, afford yourself the time and attention.  Professional assistance can be helpful.

I’m very conscious of the fact the reason I had a superman syndrome/ white knight with my ex, but she had some family problems, a health scare and I was just there for entirely in a professional capacity so all fine.

You might want to consider that you are some what habituated to the "superman/white knight syndrome" and that this is the only context in which you allow yourself to form attachments.  This is not an ideal dynamic in which to cultivate relationships.  Trying to form attachments in a more balanced or equal setting might be less comfortable, but in the long run, more rewarding.  And as busy as life may get, don't neglect your need for society -- it is a basic human need.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I suspect it’s because we grew close without my realising, but I’ve had lots of staff move on that I’ve been friends with and haven’t given it a second thought.

There is also the possibility that you are so attuned to the relationship dynamic with your ex, that intuitively, you are able to identify potential similar partners without your conscious awareness.  Again, I bring this up because this was my experience.  For some years after my primary BPD relationship, I found that I was particularly drawn to some women, who (after some time) consistently presented with familiar and alarming red flags that I (eventually) learned to associate with people with BPD. 

I did not feel this way with all women.  Only intensely with some women.  It's like when you hear some one complain "why are all men(or women) this way?"  The answer is: not all of them are, only the ones to whom you find yourself attracted.

This awareness eventually led me to realize that BPD exists in my family of origin (where as previously I was in denial).  This kind of familiarity (with family) made me particularly attuned to partners who presented similar or familiar psychology.  I kept seeking out women who unconsciously reminded me of my mother as I was motivated to win the love from them in order to make up for my mother's inability to love me.  You may or may not want to subscribe to this kind of thinking.  Just consider it and maybe sometime it'll lead you some where helpful.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Long_term_dad]

Hi Duncsvoice,

My thought is that, it is quite possible that you grew attached to your employee in a manner than was sufficiently reminiscent of your previous ex that you projected some of the grief/confused feelings left over from that relationship.

In my experience, for some years after my primary BPD relationship ended, I found myself projecting feelings left over from my BPD relationship onto other people near/close to me.  Sometimes it was inappropriate anger.  Sometimes it was intense attachment.  In all these cases, my emotions were wildly disproportionate from what I would consider normal or justified in the context of these secondary relationships/attachments. 

I found that I was more apt to do this (project inappropriate emotions) when I was either neglecting or in denial of my own emotions.  It bothered me that I took as long as I did to "get over" these feelings.  The more I fought it, the more it bothered me. My advice is that, it takes as long as it takes, afford yourself the time and attention.  Professional assistance can be helpful.

You might want to consider that you are some what habituated to the "superman/white knight syndrome" and that this is the only context in which you allow yourself to form attachments.  This is not an ideal dynamic in which to cultivate relationships.  Trying to form attachments in a more balanced or equal setting might be less comfortable, but in the long run, more rewarding.  And as busy as life may get, don't neglect your need for society -- it is a basic human need.

There is also the possibility that you are so attuned to the relationship dynamic with your ex, that intuitively, you are able to identify potential similar partners without your conscious awareness.  Again, I bring this up because this was my experience.  For some years after my primary BPD relationship, I found that I was particularly drawn to some women, who (after some time) consistently presented with familiar and alarming red flags that I (eventually) learned to associate with people with BPD. 

I did not feel this way with all women.  Only intensely with some women.  It's like when you hear some one complain "why are all men(or women) this way?"  The answer is: not all of them are, only the ones to whom you find yourself attracted.

This awareness eventually led me to realize that BPD exists in my family of origin (where as previously I was in denial).  This kind of familiarity (with family) made me particularly attuned to partners who presented similar or familiar psychology.  I kept seeking out women who unconsciously reminded me of my mother as I was motivated to win the love from them in order to make up for my mother's inability to love me.  You may or may not want to subscribe to this kind of thinking.  Just consider it and maybe sometime it'll lead you some where helpful.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Hi Duncsvoice,

Schwing has great advice and insight.

I can relate to the superman/white knight thing.  Not only was that a role I played in my past relationship with my spouse but I find it a convenient and familiar role as I meet new people.  Your description of it raised my awareness of it, so thank you.  In my case, as I think about this I am reminded of what I know about the utility of "mental models" as a kind of shortcut to help us make sense of our world, our work, etc.  And in that context, for me, adopting the "superman" role is something  to pay attention to.  For me "superman" is something other than me.  It's OK if I am helpful and an actual white knight so long as I am also human and vulnerable in that relationship. Otherwise I run the risk of occupying a role, not so much being me, for better or worse.  In my case occupying a role is more one-dimensional than if I am a more balanced mix even it is of superman so long as I am  also the real person.  I dunno. I haven't developed the theory but I relate to your experience and I think it's good you shared.

[schwing]

For me "superman" is something other than me.  It's OK if I am helpful and an actual white knight so long as I am also human and vulnerable in that relationship. Otherwise I run the risk of occupying a role, not so much being me, for better or worse.  In my case occupying a role is more one-dimensional than if I am a more balanced mix even it is of superman so long as I am  also the real person.  I dunno. I haven't developed the theory but I relate to your experience and I think it's good you shared.

For me, "superman" was the role that made it (slightly) more likely for my mother to idealize me (as opposed to devaluing me).  So long as I was "rescuing" her, this allowed me to stay away from the "persecutor" role (see Karpman Drama Triangle).  She retained exclusive rights to the "victim" role.  Years of this kind of conditioning made me a sucker for "waif"-like BPD behaviors.

Being the "white knight" also was an avoidance behavior for me.  If I was always the person who was "rescuing" the other person, I could *avoid* being fully rejected.  You see, if they reject me while I was trying to "rescue" them, then they are the idiot who didn't know how helpful I could be for them.  Also if they reject me as the "white knight", then they are rejecting the role I was playing and not me directly.

If on the other hand, we are equal, then I would be in a more vulnerable position of being rejected.  They can "reject" me for just me.  Not because I'm a white knight.  Not because I'm superman (or a "nice guy"), etc... .  The hard part was learning to deal with real rejection.  I learned to survive rejection.  Rejection does not reflect badly upon me, it is only an expression of the other party's preferences.  We're all just trying to figure out what works for each other.

If I put forward an honest representation of who I am, and they do not prefer this, then this saves me time.  I only require that they put forward an honest representation of who they are.  And I may or may not prefer these qualities.

Being a "white knight" or "superman" or "rescuer" may limit the pain of rejection, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, it is a huge drain on time.  I waste time by being too busy playing a role and not being myself (or even figure out who I am).  It's a waste, but for a long time, that was the limit of what was comfortable for me.  And this is ok too.  After a while though, I decided comfortable was not the same thing as happy, and I'd rather be happy.

[Long_term_dad]

Being a "white knight" or "superman" or "rescuer" may limit the pain of rejection, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, it is a huge drain on time.  I waste time by being too busy playing a role and not being myself (or even figure out who I am).  It's a waste, but for a long time, that was the limit of what was comfortable for me.  And this is ok too.  After a while though, I decided comfortable was not the same thing as happy, and I'd rather be happy.

I get it.  I agree.  Sounds like you have some really powerful insights.  I too hid in various ways for so so many years I am almost afraid to count.  If nothing else this realization serves as incentive to waste no more time f*cking around.  Good luck and thank you so much for sharing. You've helped me.

[Mutt]

Hi duncsvoice,

For me Superman / white knight complex related to my self esteem if I can do good for others at the expense of my pleasure and self care then I thought that in other people’s eyes I look like a good person not very balanced way of thinking and I definitely needed to work on self esteem in a more functional way.

I wanted to touch on what Schwing said about projection and to the OP’s point, I can relate with the residual effects of a r/switch a pwBPD the current person that I’m with us the first person that I’ve been in a r/s with its something that I’m going to ask her to explain a little bit limite at an appropriate time she said that I’m not emotional enough / emotionally under developed she is correct that an important stage that I lack are relationships but sometimes I still act as if she was my exuBPDw anticipate something bad is going to happen like she’s going to get angry with me, not expressing my feelings because I fear retaliation it’s almost like I became conditioned to my exuBPDw and it overlapped into the next r/s.

The r/s couldn’t be more different than what I had with my exuBPDw but the r/s experience that I had was mostly a negative r/s. I agree with Schwing you sound like you got attached to your employee not judging you on that I can relate with easily getting attached maybe you’re experience the negative aspects that you had with your ex.