Riding the storm out (dBPDW)

[Inquisitive1]

My diagnosed, high-functioning BPD wife and I have been getting along very well for a while now, she even commented on it in the last week. However, yesterday the storm broke. She's received a lot of rejection from her family and professionally over the last couple of months. Yesterday this boiled over into a big fight. The biggest we've had in a year or so. She was really angry all evening and has not answered or returned my two calls today. though she did respond to a text.

I'll accept some responsibility, as it started last night when i was wrapping up work and was not at my best, probably responded to a couple of her comment a bit shortly. But as she repeatedly tongue-lashed me last night, it became apparent that much of her anger came from the family/professional rejection. She made a lot of demands. The problematic one is she wants me to apologize. And I just don't see what i have to apologize for. I guess i just need to put on my big boy pants, prepare to Support, Empathize and Tell-Truth, and... .ride the storm out.

I have seen her this upset in a long time, funny that it should pop up after such a long good spell... .wish me luck and provide what advise you can.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what happened? what was the fight about? what does she want you to apologize for, in her words, specifically?

has the tension been building?

[Inquisitive1]

I don't believe the tension has been building in our relationship, but over the last week she's been very unhappy with her professional situation.

The fight started because I didn't want to cook dinner and I didn't want to cover the grill with this ratty, torn grill cover that she says protects the grill. Given the holes in it, i don't think it provides any significant protection, in fact, it tends to hold moisture against the grill and may speed oxidation. I also refuse to duct tape the cover because it is falling apart.  She got really made about that and said it represented how i didn't do any work around the house. This last is absolute rubbish. She does clean the house much more than me, but i work full time, do yard work most weekends and, lately, have done much of the grocery shopping.

Once we were fighting, i suggested we sell the house and move in someplace lower maintenance. This sent her over the edge. Later she explained that the house was the one thing she really loved. And, it represented our family, moving out would destroy the family. I understand this emotionally as she's led several renovations on the house. But, rationally, a less expensive, smaller house would take a lot of the pressure off both of us and put us in a better financial situation. She said I could !never! suggest we sell the house again. While I don't want to sell it now, at some point it could be the right move.

She said I should apologize for being a jerk, which i might do. What galls me is she takes no responsibility for her part in the fight. But I guess it's pointless to try and get her to see that.

[once removed]

What galls me is she takes no responsibility for her part in the fight. But I guess it's pointless to try and get her to see that.

theres a whole lot in taking the lead and owning our part. its appreciated, and it tends to lower the defenses of the other party, and they may reciprocate. it builds trust.

if shes got a lot going on personally, the person in the best possible position to support her is you. it may be less about the grill, or the home, and more about a need for support.

what do you think?

[Inquisitive1]

The funny thing is she'll acknowledge where's she at and how much she needs support in one breath, and then turn around and tell me what a jerk i am and how lazy i am. Calling me lazy hits a button, i don't respond well to that. If she would just say, she needed support i'd be all over it, but the weird combo of anger and needs has me bunched up.

It annoys me to say that you are correct that the surest, quickest path to resolution lies through owning that I lost my temper last night and trying to be supportive.

Begrudgingly thankfully yours, I1 :-)

[once removed]

If she would just say, she needed support i'd be all over it, but the weird combo of anger and needs has me bunched up.

sadly, people of all stripes frequently do not do this. people with BPD traits especially, have a lot of difficulty identifying, let alone communicating their needs. youve heard of "hangry". i can be super irritable at anyone and everything for the smallest stuff. its not rational, and itd all be a lot simpler if i ate, but it is what it is.

the trick is not to mind read, per se, but to read a bit between the lines by listening, asking validating questions, not escalating.

then, in times of calm, work to get on the same page with the disrespectful stuff like calling you lazy, a jerk, etc. build trust in the mean time... .thats the best way to get someone to come out and tell you they need support.

[Inquisitive1]

Validation... .ugh... .Roger that once removed. Wish me luck as I return to the lions den.

[once removed]

keep us posted.

[Inquisitive1]

So, things went really well last night. In fact, she didn't even mention the fight the night before. I took that as a win. My adult son was home with her all day, and I suspect he provided some needed support.

Thanks for the feedback though, i was in need of a refresher on how best to deal with these situations and my son won't always be there to pick her up when she's down.

[once removed]

I suspect he provided some needed support.

is this the typical dynamic?

[Inquisitive1]

i'm not sure where you're going with that question. Our adult children know their mother has BPD, they try to support her when she's upset. Sometimes she gets mad at them, but her BPD rages are much less frequent for the last few years. Overall, I think they're relationship has improved during that same time and is reasonably healthy now.

But please ask any questions that come to mind.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been rough lately, but am really happy to hear that you've had a good, long run of relatively trouble free time together.

How have things gone in the last day?  One of the things that worked well for me when I was on my game was noticing when an outside stressor was bearing down on my wife.  I found that if I was extra validating, set boundaries around work so I could be home, avoided raising controversial topics, and otherwise made things a little easier for her, it sometimes reduced, delayed, or eliminated trouble.  What are the ways that you provide your wife extra support?

RC

p.s.  I'm on the same page as you with the grill.  I've got a nice cover, and I'm pretty sure it caused my grill to rust out!  Anytime I've tried to explain something like that to my wife in the moment, I've failed miserably.  The most effective behavior I've used is to get through the moment and give myself more time to solve the problem long term (e.g. I'd duct tape the cover, thinking that I love my wife, and I'd give myself a budget of a few more days to figure out how to love the grill properly ;)

[once removed]

i'm not sure where you're going with that question. Our adult children know their mother has BPD, they try to support her when she's upset.

is there any pattern of "wife goes to husband, doesnt feel supported (not for lack of effort from husband), has conflict. wife goes to son, feels supported, conflict with husband is reduced".

[Inquisitive1]

The new grill cover she bought arrived this weekend. ha ha.

Regarding providing extra support, mostly i'm coming here to get better at interacting with her. I'm not sure i have the bandwidth for extra support effort, I need more effective, efficient support. I am trying to spend more time with her. We spent the both days this weekend working on the yard. Overall this we good, but she got really upset when she found rodent droppings outside our house and started yelling at me and getting angry. She kept saying, "I'm not mad at you" but it is hard not to take it personally and get angry when someone is yelling at you for an extended period of time. Which is what happened to poor effect. The good news is that after a day of yard work, we were able to patch things up and move on.

I'd say the pattern Once Removed described regarding my wife getting support from my sons is accurate, though not that frequent. My wife will shop around for support, through her family and friends. The version of the events she tells if often slanted to elicit maximum sympathy--splitting.

[Radcliff]

How long did she yell at you for?  There may be an opportunity for a boundary there.  When we start to get good with boundaries, it can save our energy and save us pain.  It is a more efficient way to handle things.  It's good that she recognized and voiced that she was not angry with you.  That may be an opening to introduce a boundary that is not threatening to her (like you tell her you're going to work on a part of the project in a different part of the yard for 20 minutes).  Another thought that comes to mind is validation.  It sounds like rodent droppings hit a sore spot for her, and brought up lots of emotions.  Can you give us more detail on what went down, what she said, how you reacted, etc.?

RC

[once removed]

I'd say the pattern Once Removed described regarding my wife getting support from my sons is accurate, though not that frequent. My wife will shop around for support, through her family and friends. The version of the events she tells if often slanted to elicit maximum sympathy--splitting.

not inherently a bad thing, by any means.

in family systems, you have a lot of triangulation, some of it good (stabilizing) some of bad (destabilizing).

a great deal of it very subtle either way.

so what im aiming at is how this might play out in your marriage, in ways both big and small, and what it means in terms of everyones role, and how each person views the other participants. since youre trying to get better at interacting with her, building your empathy skills, better understanding things as she perceives them, can go a very long way.

have a read of this: https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

think in terms of what we are talking about regarding support, but also think broadly. what do you see, if anything?

[Inquisitive1]

Well RC, I did not react well. I tried to keep neutral for a while, but eventually broke down and yelled back at her. Your suggestions are fodder for next time. Today a family member had a health emergency and she's being very supportive.

OR, i'll check that out later and try and circle back here with my reactions.

[Radcliff]

Well RC, I did not react well. I tried to keep neutral for a while, but eventually broke down and yelled back at her. Your suggestions are fodder for next time. Today a family member had a health emergency and she's being very supportive.

I'm sorry to hear about the health emergency, and will wish for the best outcome possible.

The best strategy is to remove ourselves from a difficult situation like verbal abuse well before we lose our cool.  Even if we maintain our cool, it can get to a level where we're sustaining damage and it would be healthier to take a break.  If we stay, we're sending a message that we'll tolerate the abuse.  I'm not saying we should storm off, which would escalate things.  It's good to have some patience, but at some point it gets to where you can see the other person needs some space to cool down.  You could say why you are leaving, or you could simply come up with another reason, like a chore elsewhere for a bit, or going to the bathroom or walking the dog.  A key is letting them know how long until you'll be back, so they don't feel abandoned, and having the time away be proportional to the situation. 

Are you giving her validation for how supportive she's being regarding the health emergency?

RC