Big set back in communication since meet up/new girlfriend

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to sum up the new situation shortly. Maybe someone has advice on all this.
My heart is shattered about how things went after trying to be well prepared for the meet up with my ex fiancé.

I'm trying to get my ex back for a year now. We live in different countries, since he broke up we have seen each other 3 times in total, but every single time shortly before we met up for the sake of fixing our relationship, he suddenly told me he had a new girlfriend... .

We were texting daily again since his last break up in July.
Last weekend I flew over to see him for the first time in 4 months, it was quite a big deal for me as I miss him a lot.

This time he told me that he was seeing a new girl only a day before we met. It's a recent thing, long distance too.
We just wanted to meet up as friends anyway, so although it broke my heart I tried to react in a calm way and told him I was happy he let me know and would tell him as well if I had someone.

But I didn't handle the meet up so well.
He was running around with a tshirt with her name on all the time, kept texting her when I was around, bought a present for her when I was next to him... .that was hard... .I felt too clingy, wanting hugs from him and his attention... .

Most of the time we truly had a lot of fun, but a few times I couldn't hold back tears, told him I was scared there was no space for me in his life anymore, that I missed him so, I apologised for being so sad... .
He hugged me, said I don't have to be sorry, said he'll always be there for me and we'll meet soon again. He repeated this when he had to leave and texted me I don't have to be sad, he's here for me.

The situation now is:
Since I am back home he barely replies to my text messages again. I asked him if he was alright. He left the message on read and it took him more than 24 hours to get back to me eventually, saying nothing but "Yes, I'm well".
I just answered lightly that I am glad to hear this. Again he didn't get back to me since yesterday and I wonder if he will as I didn't ask him anything... .

While ignoring my messages he goes crazy about the new girlfriend on Twitter, calling her all the cute nicknames that he has always used for me when we were together. He knows I'm online there a lot, that I'm seeing all this.

So he went from sending around 30 messages a day to me each day to only replying like once a day after meeting me. While behaving really provocative online... .(I muted his tweets, trying not to check as it hurts too much). He promised to be there for me, he is not at all... .

How do I respond to this behaviour when I don't wanna push him further away?

Shouldn't I let him know I notice he got quite silent and that it makes me sad after all he promised?
Is it a good thing to be silent myself and don't contact him if he doesn't text back? It feels so petty to me to "ignore someone back" when I actually want to talk to him. I am used to sharing more with him since July.

I'm still having some pictures I promised to share when I'm home... .can I still do this or should I wait until he is asking for them? Could this push him away if I sent them when he is silent? He seems to enjoy my attention for nothing and I think I should stop this... .

Last night I went out on a date to distract myself. I know that's not the best solution but I think I need to find a way to heal and I didn't make much progress although I'm in therapy and the break up is one year ago. Should I let him know I am trying to move on by seeing others so our friendship is easier for us both? [While I still want him back of course... .]

I miss him so. I want to get back to talking more. I want to find a way to help him calm down and make him stop rubbing this new relationship in my face. He has never done this when he was with his last girlfriend, kind of hid her from me... .

I am confused and so sad... .

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[Inquisitive1]

This is a difficult situation. Sounds like unrequited love to me. While he seems to have feelings for you, he doesn't seem to want to give you the love and respect you want. You can't make another person do that. I doubt you'll even get to the relationship you seem to want by continuing to pursue him. Give him some space, and if he comes back maybe it could work. Don't send him pics unless he asks. If you're up for an experiment, see how much contact you'll have if you make him initiate communication. Try not texting him at all and see if he responds. Start focusing your energy on people who are more reciprocal with you.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey Inquisitive1, thanks a lot for answering me!

Yeah, I agree. Too often he is getting my attention without doing anything for it, it shouldn't be this way. He has complete control over me, I am just scared to chase him away further with whatever I'm doing.

The thing is:
he always gets back to me eventually, even if it takes him 24 hours, he always does it.
I can count on it, so I don't even have to "try" not texting him and see if he replies, just gotta be being patient about everytime... .You think that is the right approach?
 
I have no reason to complain cause he doesn't owe anything to me... .and I'm sure in some way he meant what he said, but as communication changed so much so surprisingly after our meet up I was thinking about if I should try to talk about it?

I feel like I have been too clingy when we saw each other. Maybe I should clearly state that I'm sorry, that our friendship is important to me, that I'll try to move on fast so that this friendship can work out in a healthy way for both of us... ?
Not being silent about the people I'm meeting? Maybe he'll realise that I am not a "safe game" for him then... ?

[once removed]

I feel like I have been too clingy when we saw each other. Maybe I should clearly state that I'm sorry, that our friendship is important to me, that I'll try to move on fast so that this friendship can work out in a healthy way for both of us... ?
Not being silent about the people I'm meeting? Maybe he'll realise that I am not a "safe game" for him then... ?

a lot of your actions are based on how he will take it or not. this is going to trip you up again, and again.

i wouldnt have that conversation with him. just doing it, living it, is far more effective.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey once removed,
to be honest I'm not sure how much I can really live it... .all I want is him feeling comfortable talking to me more again... .I have no words for how much I miss him... .
All I heard from him today was an "Good evening, hope you're okay?" And I've asked the same thing back just to get no reply again... .
I feel like I did everything wrong at our meet up although most of the time I've really been enjoying myself and having him around

[Harley Quinn]

FIL,

Can you picture something for me?  Imagine in 6 months time or a year from now hanging out with him as friends as he continues to talk to you animatedly about how happy he is with his new r/s, wants to share with you about what they have been doing, where they went, what great things she does, how awesome she is.  How does that feel for you?  Do you see yourself being able to cope with that?

I ask because, being very direct with you, it sounds to me as though you are holding on so tightly because you fear facing the pain that is losing him.  However, holding on as you are is causing you more pain, and has the prospect of doing so for a lot longer than it might take to actually get over your relationship.  Because this new r/s is his life now.  He has moved on.  If you want to remain in his life as a friend, then you are going to need to let yourself grieve and give yourself some time to focus on yourself.  Become stronger, more fulfilled in your own life separate to him and find joy in other places.  When you are able to be around him without it hurting you there is no reason why you couldn't continue with a friendship and potentially a new relationship could form from that in the future.  One where you are in a healthier place emotionally to offer What it Takes to be in a BPD Relationship.  What do you think?  

Love and light x  

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello everyone... .

I got some good (?) advice from a therapist/relationship coach, telling me if I want him back he gotta miss me. Which means:
I can text him back but should never reach out myself, never double text... .if I text I should take my time and never be more eager than he is... .

The thing is: we were texting DAILY for months in a friendship way, we always took our time to reply to each other, but now things are coming to an extreme and I am scared that he feels punished by me taking my time which makes him give me the silent treatment now... .?


Let me tell you about the current situation:

He needed full 24 hours to reply to my honest text last weekend when I told him I still had feelings for him and that I don't want anything to be in the way of our friendship. He didn't say a word about that text, just let me wait and greeted me with a nice "good morning" the next day - which is a long time for us not texting.

Since then I was using the coaches advice, so took a few hours to reply and so did my ex, and it was okay. It was a little less communication than before, me holding back a bit more, but it was positive and all good.

Then on Tuesday I think I took this too far... ? He wished me a good morning when I've been at work. I didn't reply in my break but waited until I was at home.

HE double texted me. An hour after my break he sent a "Hi?" --> which I see as a  "HELLO WHY AIN'T YOU TALKING TO ME?" - although he sometimes takes that long himself without an apology.
I answered two hours later, said I'll get back to him when I have got XYZ finished and I hope he was alright. Then after I finished XYZ I sent him a short message because I have promised. I sent that last message Tuesday afternoon.

It was not a question, it was something short and fun. He left me on read... .It is almost 2 days ago and definitely a long time for us both not texting each other as we used to talk a bit every single day, from a "good morning" to "enjoy your day" to "good night".

I really think he felt ignored/punished when I didn't get back to him on my break and is giving the silent treatment now, thinks I'm being petty and want revenge on how long he took to get back to me? Do you agree after reading this... .? :-(

It worries me! Every other friend I would have asked if things are okay between us, to clear up the situation... .but I don't think I should do this with him, especially after what the coach has said.

Can he expect it is okay that he ignores messages and needs a full day to reply me while I can't even take an afternoon off? That's a bit out of balance, I see and I'd love to get that balance back, but don't wanna do this in a petty/punishing way to be honest... .?

How do I react best... .do I do what my coach said and just wait it out without a word although I miss him? I don't want this friendship to end and I don't wanna ruin my chances to get back together with him... .

Thank you

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FIL,

I really feel for you.  You've been suffering a great deal and spending a lot of time worrying.  It would be good for you to come away from that place, I'm sure you'd agree.  The solution, as with most situations that are not getting better, in my view is to do something - anything - differently.  Right now you've taken advice which sounds reasonable, in that he doesn't have opportunity to miss you if you are in constant contact and pursuing him.  So backing off and appearing more relaxed about communication with him sounds like a good plan.  All being well, you will begin to actually FEEL more relaxed about your communication and this will be a positive shift for you.  

He's in a new relationship and there is nothing you can do to control that, so to lose the worry would be a good thing for your own wellbeing.  You can take this time to strengthen yourself and seek joy in your own life.  Someone who is happy, fulfilled and confident is appealing.  My suggestion is that you continue to follow the advice and if you find it hard, then 'fake it 'til you make it' and stick it out.  You're absolutely right that the balance is missing and that is something that you have every right to want in a healthy relationship - friendship or otherwise.  It's great to hear you acknowledge this.  So work towards that and know that it's going to feel hard and uncomfortable sometimes but is worth it to reach a healthier place for the two of you as friends.

I also fixed the link I shared with you earlier.  Here it is: What it Takes to be in a BPD Relationship  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this.  In particular this section:

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

If you are going to continue a friendship with your ex, how can you actively preserve your emotional health?  What emotional support network do you have in place?  

Love and light x

[macarena]

Hey Faithful,

I think your T gave you some sound advice. Just remember you don’t owe him instant communication/ validation etc - he is with someone else currently and he doesn’t consider important to reply to you quickly either, so... .I know you care about him, but your well-being is as important as his, and it’s crucial to both you as an individual and to your relationship with him.

[once removed]

I got some good (?) advice from a therapist/relationship coach, telling me if I want him back he gotta miss me.

weve been telling you this FIL 

there are two underlying problems though, that tactics alone cant fix.

there is a great deal of enmeshment on your end regarding this relationship. thats not a judgment, its fairly common place here, a relationship with someone with BPD traits can be both alluring and overwhelming. your thoughts and feelings, coping, strategies to have him in your life, are heavily dependent on what is or isnt going on with him, how he will react or not, and your fear of losing him.

thats a long term problem that will make a healthy, stable relationship impossible. tactics might at best buy you some attention. think in terms of diets. a person can try a crash diet, starve themselves, and theyll lose a lot of weight quickly. and then theyll gain it back, and usually more. medical and nutritional experts will tell you that getting healthy is about making lifestyle changes, not short term fixes. the same concept applies here.

the second is that you are trying to compete with his new relationship. this is a losing battle for anyone, it will push him away, and the result will be disappointment and pain for you.

i dont think hes giving you the silent treatment, revenge, or punishment. this situation, the getaway weekend, the push to talk more, the disclosing of feelings, especially while hes in a relationship is heavy, needy stuff. a person in his situation would at best feel sympathy toward you, and determine that its the kind thing to do to give you space. at worst, they may feel smothered, and resentful that their relationship circumstances are not being respected. the result will usually be distance, and the tendency will usually be to draw deeper into the relationship.

getting some distance/space from him and all of this can help in the short term, but it wont help in the long term without lifestyle changes. its about a gradual shift to a long term, workable strategy and attitude, and it can create the space for you to experience less pain, to have more harmony in your relationship with him, and for you, in the long term, to be seen in a more attractive light. its about finding that strength and balance the article Harley Quinn shared refers to.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hey Faithful,

The advice that your T and everyone on here has given is your best bet.  Give him space, especially if he is in a relationship.  Like everyone has said, you cannot control that.  I have been in your shoes before and although it was painful I had to give my ex space and respect the relationship.  I did what I needed to do to "move on" and be happy.  I kept myself busy and did what was necessary. I even blocked my ex at one point to keep me from texting or calling.  Not saying that's what you should do, but it worked for me at the time.  It completely sucks knowing they're in love and happy with someone else.  Keep reading the literature on this page and it will be of tremendous help.  I'm very new to all this; my ex shows traits of BPD and with my current situation, I have found this place to be so helpful and supportive. 

Hope all is well, stay strong...

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing FIL? You have support here. I know how hard it can be to hear or think of things which hurt to imagine. Just know we're here for you, whatever the situation. 

Love and light x

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey everyone!

The Situation is difficult and changes so much so often, it's draining!

Harley Quinn, thank you for caring and asking. I am thankful for the advice I'm getting here but I'm often not sure if the advice is to detach myself from the situation - which I really don't want to, or I'd switch the board - or if it really is to help me getting closer to him. That is painful for me. Getting him back is my goal in life, I really love him and believe in us.

What happened the past days is: I really took your advice and I went out a lot and posted happy Pictures. Went out on Dates a lot and didn't make it so obvious what exactly is going on - but you could still see that I was not alone.
His reaction: first telling me the app we're talking on "was broken", then unfollowing me on the site he has seen my pictures on, saying "nevermind, bye"... .The next day he wished me much fun (through the "broken" app!) - my reaction was telling him that I sensed something was wrong and that he could come talk to me about it if he wants to... .5 days of silence were following, he left me on read there... .

Yesterday he and his girlfriend broke up - I don't know about the reason.
He texted me, told me he wants me to know he is okay after all I might have read on his social media, sent hearts, left some likes on my social media posts... .

As I was at work and it took me a few hours to reply he got mad and texted he sees I am to busy to talk to him... .
I answered that I felt how this could make him sad and that he is right, I'm at work and busy at the moment and that this does not mean that he doesn't matter to me, that I am happy to hear from him after we didn't talk for a while... .

No more answer from him yesterday... .just a few social media likes on the things I've posted about my night out.

It confuses me so and I don't know how to react. Like, I don't understand how he expects me to reply right away and gets mad if I don't after he has been away for 5 full days... ?
I don't know how to set a boundary here/Show him that this expectation is out of balance without losing him... .

I know I have been silent on here, still I'd be happy if someone could help me with advice about how to go on in this situation.

He obviously thinks I don't care/ignore him on purpose/want revenge... .I just want balance in this chaotic friend-/relationship... .

[FaithfulInLove]

Let me update you again ... .
I reached out today, told him I cared and that yes, I might be busy but if he needs someone I'm there for him. He could ring and I'd hear him... .

He shared with me that he was thinking about just shutting everyone out for good... .(which is obviously including me) because people always hurt him... .

I told him if he needed space he could go and take it, but if he needs a friend I'm there. Told him how I understood that it hurt so much to be disappointed by people. That I once stopped talking to family myself for some time because I just didn't feel safe around them.

He said he meant it and this is not just a phase. He's done with everyone.
I told him I understood that it must've sounded as if I didn't take this seriously. That I understand he is in a great deal of pain and that he means it all. I said what I was trying to say is that he has a friend who won't just leave and wished him all the best.

He's silent since then. I remember how many times he said something similar and still came back. Still I'm scared that this time he just won't come back.
He was hurting, l didn't contact him for 5 days. I understand how he must think I'm not making an effort.

Could I've handled this any better or do you think I am getting a grasp of the tools finally... ?

[hopefulbutlost17]

Let me update you again ... .
I reached out today, told him I cared and that yes, I might be busy but if he needs someone I'm there for him. He could ring and I'd hear him... .

He shared with me that he was thinking about just shutting everyone out for good... .(which is obviously including me) because people always hurt him... .

I told him if he needed space he could go and take it, but if he needs a friend I'm there. Told him how I understood that it hurt so much to be disappointed by people. That I once stopped talking to family myself for some time because I just didn't feel safe around them.

He said he meant it and this is not just a phase. He's done with everyone.
I told him I understood that it must've sounded as if I didn't take this seriously. That I understand he is in a great deal of pain and that he means it all. I said what I was trying to say is that he has a friend who won't just leave and wished him all the best.

He's silent since then. I remember how many times he said something similar and still came back. Still I'm scared that this time he just won't come back.
He was hurting, l didn't contact him for 5 days. I understand how he must think I'm not making an effort.

Could I've handled this any better or do you think I am getting a grasp of the tools finally... ?

Hi FaithfulInLove,

I totally understand what you are going through. My ex sent me the same messages last weekend after no contact for a week (I was giving her space after a fight we had). She said she was done with me and wanted nothing to do with me.  She said she wanted to get away from and anything having to do with me and to leave her and her family alone and that she'd rather shoot herself than hear my voice or see me.  The whole week we were no contact I was miserable, desperate, and emotional feeling the same way you are right now asking myself "is this it? is this really the time she walks away for good?"

No, we have been messaging all week since she "damned me to hell" but it is awkward.  Our conversations are short but last all day (if that makes sense) and we have seen each other twice. Fast forward to today and I got a message in the morning saying, "No 'goodmorning, rude',"... I explained I woke up late and was in a major hurry to get to work and she called me a liar. I changed the subject and asked how she slept.  Our conversations are still weird, distant and kind of "whatever." 

I believe you are doing what the tools have been guiding you to do. I'm very new to this and have been using some of the tools myself and here my ex and I are, having decent conversations.  She, too, has done this more than once in the 3 years we have been on and off. I suggest, along with others who have suggested to me as well, to take care of yourself in the mean time.  I know I'm trying my best to.  It kills me not having conversations like before or seeing/living with each other but I'm taking this time for self care (super important).

Hang in there...

[babyducks]

Faithfulinlove,

There is no single set of words.  There is no approach.  There are no tactics that will bring some one back.

That's not how relationships work.     That is especially not how BPD relationships work.

You can not control some one else.     That doesn't mean you have to detach from that person.   Detaching doesn't have to mean giving up, or walking away.    Detaching can mean letting go of ideas and thoughts that are no longer helpful.

You had a good, kind conversation.  You expressed your care and concern well.     Detaching from the outcome of the conversation means you can let go of trying to control his response.

The tools are more about you than him.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear FIL-

I understand this situation is very painful for you and I’m sorry.  If there’s one thing I’d suggest it’s to lower your presence on social media.  You and your ex obviously both look at one another’s posts.  We know it’s a painful trigger for you.  And it’s likely a painful trigger for him, too.

Why not take that off the table for a while as something that will negatively impact things as you work on yourself and this friendship?  I’d say it’s fine to post pics of family gatherings... .but you and other guys... .nope, not for a while.

My 2 cents.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[1stTimer]

Hi Faithful, sorry you are going through this, I am sure most of us here have been in something similar in our lives.

I  am 50/50 on your therapist's advice. For a couple reasons; #1 is I don't know how healthy it is for someone to want/need you because or when they miss you. I mean it is NICE but availability shouldn't make you less attractive to someone who wants you, not a healthy person or relationship anyway.

That aside; not communicating with him so that he misses you has some really potentially poor repercussions for you. First of all is the expectation/hope that that is the outcome of your lack of communication with him. That may or may not be what occurs but it is what you will hope every time you don't reach out. And in doing so you don't not reach out for the right reasons; to take care of yourself and move on.  When you intentionally realign your thoughts and goals to things outside of him and organically stop contacting/reacting to him two things will happen; one is you will be doing yourself a world of good taking care of yourself and not contacting him for all the right reasons. The other is that you will actually be creating the natural state you are hoping he will find more attractive; independence from him.  If the goal is to be more attractive to him by not needing him and not being available to him then the goal should not be to be more attractive to him but to no need him and not be so available to him. Splitting hairs to be sure but a world of difference. Perhaps your therapist can find a way to tweak your outlook so you can take the steps to not communicate with him for your own self, independent of him in any way shape or form and you can both see how that turns out both for you and, if it turns out that is the case, for any interest that may generate in him. Consider that a bonus gift for now, however, not the goal and (I know you don't believe me now) you might find that that bonus gift is not of much interest when and if it is presented to you. Moving forward is about yourself and moving forward, not about him and moving backward. From someone who has been there... .

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello you all,

thank you for your encouragement! And yes, you all are right, I gotta take good care of myself.

Thank you, hopefulbutlost17, your words gave me so much hope throughout the silent days and reminded me how fast emotions can change and that just because he sais he feels that way now, it doesn't have to be forever.

Gemsforeyes, I took your advice - I'm silent on social media now.

What I can't get away from is reading his. I want to understand what he's going through so I can react in a way that is appropriate... .

I decided to reach out yesterday, told him I care and it is hard for me to accept his decision and he can reach out whenever he feels like it... .He did. He said thank you and it was clear he was happy having someone being there for him. But as soon as I said I gotta go to bed he must've felt like I don't really care for him again... ?
At least he didn't reply back and he didn't get back to me until now while his social media is full of "nobody cares about me" texts... .

I don't know how to make him feel that I do without staying in this weak position and giving him all control in this friendship. He comes and goes whenever he wants, expects me to always be available while he ignores me whenever he likes. I do have a lot of empathy and don't wanna push him for more contact, but it hurts me so. I just want him close but he keeps drifting away.
I didn't really show him how much I really care over the past months and weeks especially. I kept myself busy and tried to look happy, so that this friendship could work.

I ran behind him crying, telling him I wanna fix this for so many months. He said he still had feelings for me, but as you see, he keeps looking for someone new. That trust seems to be all broken.

I don't know how to proceed from here... .Do I really gotta remind him that I care every night? I feel used. Because I always think about how he must be feeling, while he never considers how much it hurts me when he is breaking his promises... .

When we've seen each other he promised me that we'll see each other soon again, that he'll always be there for me. This is just a few weeks ago. Then he unfollows, sais goodbye and ignores me, just to follow me again a few days later... .then he is going through a break up, sends me hearts, just to tell me he never wants to talk to me anymore because I am too busy anyway, just because I took a few hours after he took 5 days... .

I really don't know what to do anymore. I love him from all my heart but it seems like he doesn't even think about giving us another chance. I am full of anxiety that I will lose him for good eventually, out of my life... .I don't want this to happen. I know I mean something to him, otherwise he wouldn't be overreacting so much. I am scared to be discarded.

[FaithfulInLove]

Little update:

He reached out tonight, asked if I was availabe for texting. I said I was and we started talking lightly... .at some point I asked him how he is feeling if he doesn't mind me asking... .he opened up a bit about not being okay.
Then when I stressed that I truly care and wanna be there for him, he pulled away big time, said it wouldn't change anything, went more silent... .

How do I show him I care when I feel that's what he wants but at the same time pulls away when I try to be there for him?
This confuses me... .

[macarena]

How do I show him I care when I feel that's what he wants but at the same time pulls away when I try to be there for him?
This confuses me... .

Hi Faithful,
I understand this is a difficult and confusing time for you... .I think you are doing everything you can. You are available and supportive, you can't do much more.
Have you tried/ thought of trying to suggest therapy to him? How do you think he would take that? It's difficult to find the right words and it's important to be gentle about it, -  when my person was going through a very difficult time, I said something in the lines of "I will always be there for you and you can always come to me and talk to me, but I feel like I don't have the knowledge or tools to help you in a way a professional will be able to help". Considering he admits to "not being okay", do you think it could stir him in the direction of maybe trying to seek professional help?

[FaithfulInLove]

Thanks, macarena.

I want to say something like this to him for a long time and I already tried many months ago.
Yeah, he knows that he is not okay, but I don't think that me telling him he should consider getting help would actually make him do this. He might even feel not taken seriously, so I just think this is not the right moment at all because he just wants someone being there for him, no suggestions of what to do next to feel better.
I feel he is too scared to really seek help and would need someone really Close, who supports him in this and motivates him to go there on a regular base. I'd love to but that is not me at the moment...
If he tells me he doesn't wanna talk about things as it doesn't change anything, it doesn't seem like the right moment to tell him therapy might help.

I'll remember your words for the future and hope the right time will come! Thank you x

[FaithfulInLove]

Last night he said something to me that I didn't hear for so long. That it is still possible that we can work things out.
Also, that it would take "something special".

No, I will not run behind him making a big gesture now - I'm expecting him to come to me, if he thinks we deserve a chance. But it definitely sounds like the chance I've been waiting for since I've joined this forum.

Thank you, pals, for helping me through all this until today... ♥

[Harley Quinn]

What is your understanding of what he meant by "it will/would(?) take something special"?

Did he give any indication of what he'd like to do from here?  How are you approaching things?

Love and light x

[FaithfulInLove]

I am completely clueless, Harley Quinn, so I directly asked him about what he meant with this whole very vague text message. All he said was "Doesn't matter" and I'm not further pushing for it.
He knows how I feel about him and if he feels the same for me, he can come to me. ;)

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing in yourself FIL?  What have you been doing for self care?  Your posts are sounding less anxious and more relaxed I notice.  This is good.  How are you occupying yourself and managing the rumination?

Love and light x

[FaithfulInLove]

It doesn't go too well... .I'm trying to stay busy, but actually what I want is waiting for him... .I'm waiting around a lot, I just don't let it show... .

He hasn't been texting me since last night, left me on read. He seemed slightly angry, in a subtle way, because he wanted to talk last night and I've been busy.

I kind of feel like I should be available for him always but don't think this is good for me at all if I stop making plans again... although I don't feel like having plans because in my heart he comes first... .

I am scared he let's me go fully if he hears about my dating stories... I wouldn't wanna lie if he ever asked me about them directly... .I'm sure he can already tell and it pushes him away... .

Summed up: I'm very anxious!

[hopefulbutlost17]

It doesn't go too well... .I'm trying to stay busy, but actually what I want is waiting for him... .I'm waiting around a lot, I just don't let it show... .

He hasn't been texting me since last night, left me on read. He seemed slightly angry, in a subtle way, because he wanted to talk last night and I've been busy.

I kind of feel like I should be available for him always but don't think this is good for me at all if I stop making plans again... although I don't feel like having plans because in my heart he comes first... .

I am scared he let's me go fully if he hears about my dating stories... I wouldn't wanna lie if he ever asked me about them directly... .I'm sure he can already tell and it pushes him away... .

Summed up: I'm very anxious!

Hi FIL,
I can relate to you on wanting to wait and be available. I was like that with my ex for some time (and I'll be honest, I am waiting too, right now). I received some advice last night on here to keep myself busy and less available.  The more available we are to them the more "unattractive" we are.  In the mean time, we need to take care of ourselves and stay busy, if not rumination begins and the anxiety grows.  I have been in your shoes several times with my ex and I have found that keeping myself busy with hanging out with friends, working out, work, or anything has helped. I have slept very well the last two nights since my ex and I "ended" things on Wednesday.  I feel less anxious than I did on that day and trying to keep my mind busy at all times.  Does it bother me that she can switch it on and off and going out with her friends and acting like if she doesn't care, of course it does.  But I can't dwell on that because then I will look "weak" and "unattractive" to her.  When we ended things Wednesday she ended up contacting me later on in the afternoon thanking me for taping her back to where she doesn't feel pain. I kept my responses short. The next day, yesterday, she ended up messaging and calling me twice, then messaging me again for the smallest things.  Her things are still at my apartment and she still has a copy of my keys.  An exchange that can take 2 min but she won't do it... .I know it's difficult to "have fun" and stay busy in this situation but you are not alone. 

How is your anxiety? I know I get wrapped up in it and want to do something and beg and show my ex "hey I know how to fix this or make things work, I know what to do now" but I keep telling myself I can't...

[Harley Quinn]

I am scared he let's me go fully if he hears about my dating stories... I wouldn't wanna lie if he ever asked me about them directly... .I'm sure he can already tell and it pushes him away... .

I'm curious FIL about why you would be dating right now?  What purpose does it serve you?  There are many other things you can do to occupy your time.  I'm a little concerned that it is unfair to other prospective partners to date them if we are completely wrapped up in another.  It is also another thing for you to be anxious about.  What do you think?

Love and light x

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello!

Thanks, you two, for being there!
I really kept myself busy by going out with friends and those dating stories... .

You ask me why I go on dates with others, HarleyQuinn, the answer is: we are broken up for over a year, I am mourning our relationship over a year... .I want to work this out, but I keeping my life/love life on hold for so long... .I don't think it is right, healthy or helpful.

I would love to find someone I can be happy with - while I am still wishing it was him - and I gotta add here:
Last weekend I met someone (by chance) who I can imagine a relationship with. This is the first man I feel anything for since the break up, although I met many amazing men who were treating me well during this time.
I am trying to take my time with this, but it is difficult, as that guy keeps pushing me to say yes to him. He is full of red flags, reminds me of my ex in many ways and I think that's why I feel drawn to him. I think I should be careful here, but actually that new person is nothing I wanna discuss on here right now.

What I would love your help with, is figuring out what to do to safe the connection to my ex. As I'm saying for a year: if I can't save this relationship, I want to save our friendship at least.

Last week he asked me if he could give me a call and I apologised and told him I was busy at the moment, but that we could talk the next day. That was the truth, I've been out with a friend. Since then he didn't text me. I let him be for two days, told him I am hoping that he is okay and it worries me not hearing from him. He left me on read.

I waited another day, then reached out and asked if he was okay. Then he told me yes, he only was busy enjoying his weekend and that's why he didn't text me.
I told him I'd appreciate it if next time if he is busy, he could please just let me know, so I don't worry about him as I'm used to talking with him everyday. I said that he probably wouldn't like it either if I did this to him.
He complained that I was doing that recently and said he apologised, he can't be on his phone always... .(It all feels like a big payback for me being not so available lately!)
I said that yes, I was busy a lot, that I was sorry that I didn't make much time for him lately. I promised I'd always get back to him and if I can't talk, I'd always offer another day to do that and I wished to be treated the same way.

He left me on read and has been on Twitter a lot. I see how passive agressive his behaviour is and how he wants to pay back that I didn't make time for him when he wanted me to... .

Now my questions are:
What's the best way to react on that kind of passive aggressive behaviour/silent treatment?
Because staying silent myself... .kind of feels wrong/could make him feel punished back and make things worse? Should I just tell him to come to me if he feels like it again and stay silent then... ?
And how do I handle the new guy in the picture? If I tell him "By the way I met someone I like a lot", I think he will probably think I am saying this to hurt him... .that I am trying to pay back how much he having his new girlfriends hurt me... .I'd love to be honest to him and actually "warn" him before I jump into a new relationship, but I feel if now in this war of silence, this info would just feel like agressive/hurtful behaviour from me... .