Thank goodness I found this site

[devnid]

I have not been able to go through all of the postings yet, but thank goodness I have found somewhere to compare notes and learn. My story:
I have a 27 year-old daughter that has not been clinically diagnosed, but is most likely BPD. I had never heard of this until about 2 years ago when she started accusing me of having the disorder. I did not think much about it in the beginning; I thought it was just another way for her to lash out and try to hurt me, which had been escalating in recent years. She is an only child and her father was fairly non-existent in her life, particularly after we were divorced when she was 8.
She was a great kid, her and I were a good team and I was 'all-in' as a mom. In retrospect, I believe things started to turn when she was in her early 20's. The postings about why daughters seem to hate their mothers so much really resonated, because that about sums it up. I was in the capable, strong and category and it seems that this bothers her.
She had a son 3 years ago and because of her situation, I was very involved with care and financial support for them. This was my first grandchild and of course, I fell in love. Her behaviour got worse and worse, and I did not know what to do. I had gotten to the point where I just became paralyzed when she would start to lash out at me. Unfortunately, on December 10, 2017, she sent me an email stating that I could not be a part of my grandson's life until I got help for my disorder. I was devastated.
I found a therapist and that has helped tremendously. She recommended the 'Walking on Eggshells' book and that has been a great help in understanding what the heck is going on. She did finally attend one session with me and it was evident that, as the therapist put it, "she is not ready to receive any new information." And, although the therapist, of course, would not diagnose without one-on-one time, it seemed to point in the direction of BPD. Particularly since she has been accusing me of having this. Very common.
I was surprised that my daughter agreed to meet me for coffee recently and was cautiously hopeful. A small step I guess, but she is sticking to her guns that I have the problem and she cannot trust her son to be with me until I have been 'fixed'. Could not provide specifics on what it is I need to do to illustrate this, however. It is just so difficult.
I could go on and on, but this should give an idea of what our situation is. Thanks to everyone for posting, it will help me, and well-wishes to you all; it is really tough.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cocopho]

Hi there,
It has been months since posting to the site, but there are similarities that we share. My 35 year old daughter, undiagnosed BPD (as far as I know). Showing symptoms since childhood, I decided early on to stay the course, provide unconditional love and support as best as I could. Also with a Narcissistic ex spouse, highly functional health care professional and substance abuser.
My girl is now a PhD. clinical psychologist, I am proud, but also sad.
Sad because she decided to disenfranchise and go NO CONTACT with me , over one year ago.
Time has served to dissipate some of the pain, also to allow for hope.
The similarity we share? I too was diagnosed by my daughter with BPD.
I went as far as having her meet and talk with my own therapist of many years, to express her concerns. My therapist, a well known and senior person at a major institution, my daughter, a new graduate. She decided my therapist was unqualified when he assured her that BPD was not my matter.
I await her return. Initially, she had convinced my son of my BPD, created a painful rift, a CLASSIC KARPMAN TRIANGLE. He and I were ALWAYS INSEPARABLE, this was not unlike a death for me.
Now, my son and I are again close, she remains No Contact with me.
Waiting and hoping for her to return, will always love her, miss her terribly.
Stay strong
cocopho

[Tinkerbelle]

Hi,
It is amazing but I am in a similar situation. Our 32 year old daughter
Had bulemia from age 14 on and still may be symptomatic at times but alcohol is her current addiction.She has a 4 and 5 year old and unlesd we give her money, babysit on her terms etc. she is not interested in communicating with me.She seems like she hatesme and my husband is the “ good cop”- black and white thinking.

Anyway, sorry to digress. I want to let you know you are not alone, my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I do not know if substances in your daughter’s life but Alanon is helping me a lot. It is so hard to worry about and miss grandbabies.

[devnid]

Thanks for your insight and sharing your experiences. Drugs do not seem to be the issue with my daughter, however, I do believe there may have been a time that this was a problem. Although not severe enough not to function.

She is currently living with her father, which is interesting. He and I have had a cordial relationship and now that has stopped. Based on our (he and I) last conversation, he bought into some of the stories that he has been told. For him to condone her alienating me from my grandson has also been pretty hard to deal with, particularly since he basically abandoned her while she was growing up. So there is that. My guess is that he would just prefer not to deal with any of it, so this is the path of least resistance right now. I doubt he is encouraging her to get help; that is not his MO.

I even started wondering about myself for awhile - thinking that maybe I was a terrible mother and just not acknowledging it to myself. So, I started asking people that were close to us and that I knew would tell me the truth. I contacted a foreign exchange student that lived with us for almost a year (and has continued to keep in touch and visit) and asked her if she witnessed me being and saying some of the things that I was accused of. She was horrified and flatly denied. So, at least I know I really wasn't a monster... .

It is like we lived in 2 different homes, the way she describes it. Kind of a Mommy Dearest thing.

Thanks all for your support. I will keep muddling through, as it appears we all are.
 

[Only Human]

Hello devoid   

I'm also very thankful that I found this site! It's like free therapy. Those of us with children with BPD need all the tools and resources we can get and I consider these boards to be an invaluable tool. I'm glad you're here.

It is like we lived in 2 different homes, the way she describes it. Kind of a Mommy Dearest thing.
 

Our stories of our daughters have a lot of similarities and I remember being flabbergasted at some of the things my daughter said happened that never happened! I also have friends and family to turn to when I begin to doubt myself.

Today I'm focusing on rejecting my daughter's negative definition of me. My sister once told me, "the reason it bothers you so much when she says you are a horrible mother is because there's still a part of you who thinks that about yourself. If she said you were horrible speller, you'd reject that immediately as false."

Hang in there, we are all here with you. We understand your struggle.