New crisis, possibly no contact

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for how long this is.

I hope you are all doing well. I took a very long hiatus from this board, partially because I've been very busy but also because things seemed to be going better for a while.

I don't even know where to start. I am at a loss. The last few months she has made an effort to be calmer when she talks to us and has been making real strides in being more self aware. We have been paying her rent because she's been making an effort. Her apartment is truly awful and we are in a position to buy a small condo for her to live in, which will be far cheaper for us than paying rent and we won't be burning money. So we are set to close on a place next week.

Right after we put the offer on the place, she told me she's been self medicating with meth. I was very patient and have talked to her a lot about it. She has severe adhd and i do believe it helps on some level, but clearly that isn't healthy in any way. I have made a huge effort to listen to her and see her side and try to talk about things, and keep the lines of communication open. I have heard every reason under the sun why she'd rather do drugs than take meds. I started to see some opening though where she might be willing to get real treatment.

Around the same time, she started having really severe panic attacks where she's convinced she's either having a stroke or a heart attack. I have been through several of these with her. She refuses to get an actual doctor and drinks booze to calm down. I am very ashamed to admit that I bought her a couple of bottles of alcohol. About a week ago we ended up taking her to the ER because she was fully melting down and was convinced she was dying. She walked in and started yelling at hospital staff to help her. They gave her ativan and of course as soon as she felt better she left, without seeing an actual doctor.

Fast forward to this past weekend, she went out of town (to another state) with friends (which is always  a recipe for disaster). I got a call from her saturday night that she was in the ER because she thought she was dying, and had taken too much acid. She was trying to make it seem like not a big deal, because it was 'only' acid. I was immediately furious because she 1) made a huge deal at the hotel and called 911, 2) she is on our insurance 3) is abusing the ER and using it as her personal pharmacy. She was very out of it and I told her to call me back when she was sober several times in order to avoid a conflict. She demanded that we talk about why I was upset and after badgering me I finally said "every time you do something stupid we end up having to f****** pay for it." She was weirdly calm and I got off the phone.

Yesterday she texted me to leave her alone for a few days and that if she's such a financial burden on us there is nothing making us keep her in our lives. I didn't respond. Hours later she called me four times, so I called her back. She asked if I had seen her message. I told her yea, I was respecting her wishes. She picked a fight with me, I told her that we're bordering on boy who cried wolf territory with all the ER visits and that i'm worried something terrible will happen to her and I won't actually believe her. She said she was done talking to me about her mental health issues because she keeps thinking I understand where she's at and then I say 'deeply hurtful' things. She then launched into how we should just "Return" the condo. I said that wasn't happening and that I was getting too angry and I hung up.

She texted me "actually, you can just f*** off. "

Sorry for the rant. I'm at a loss. Truthfully the condo is so cheap that  it is/was a good way to help her without having to do too much. I was going to help her get food stamps and I told her I'm taking her off our insurance.

I know us buying a place for her to live in was a big deal to her, and she had compared waiting for it to waiting to move to live with us when we were her foster parents. So part of me is wondering if she is doing this because she's terrified. On the other hand, she has been saying for the past couple months that I should tell her when i have a problem with her, and that she doesn't want me to be terrified of her emotions. That the worst that will happen is that she'll be mad at me for a bit. And then this happens and she tries to cut me off.

I am so angry I don't want to talk to her. I guess we will probably still buy the condo because we can rent it out for a decent amount if she doesn't live there. But I find the whole thing so unacceptable. I really am at a loss. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation. I tried withdrawing from her last year and I will probably never hear the end of it. But when I try to really connect with her, the outcome is the same.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Man that post was long, sorry!

Yeah, it's done. She has cut off all contact. I am very sad but also relieved. I have been expecting this for two years. We adopted her at 17 and my husband and I had only been married for a year and a half at that point, so we have really just barely started our life together since she moved out. I hope that she finds what she's looking for. If she is happy somewhere then I honestly don't care if I hear from her again. That might sound insane after all the time and energy we poured into her but I truly believe we did absolutely everything we could. I think we stuck by her when others wouldn't have. It sucks that it turned out this way but I always knew it might going into it. I knew what we were signing up for adopting a teenager.

I am grateful for you all.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I think the drugs plus the condo pushed her over the edge. Plus me getting mad at her. I tried explaining that you can be proud of someone for their progress in some areas and mad at them at the same time. Something snapped when she told me to "f*** off" though. I was done sugar coating and not saying how I felt for fear of how she would react.  I don't think anything I said was hurtful. But I think it was the ammo she needed to convince herself to leave. She called me toxic, which I know is her cut off point. Everyone she has called toxic has been cut out of her life. 

If we had done the opposite and cut her off financially, maybe it would have been better but I don't think so. She was horrified and furious that I would take her off or insurance and make her go back to Medicaid. But I can't be paying 20% deductibles every time she wants to call 911 and get a ride to the ER. I don't know. I'm sure I'll blame myself for a lot of this but I also think it was inevitable.

[bluek9]

  Oh my HB,

    I'm so very sorry for all the twists and turns of that damn emotional roller coaster, sounds like you got the ride of your life.   

   I find it appalling and horrid that for us parents just when we give the slightest crack of hope that things may be going smoothly, BAM-CRASH-SLAP DOWN! My goodness, when do we ever get the smallest repreve? I think you are totally right, the thought of you doing more to support her in buying a home FOR HER; sent her over the edge. It is so sad to see in our adult children that when things can be stable, safe, they can't accept it. Running back to the drugs is probably her safe zone**unfortunately.

   Never apologize for how long it takes to get a vent out. At least here we can do that, vent. I'm glad you shared, you have always meant so much to me HB, always touched me with your story and struggle. You have gone from anger to sad to relived, that right there is enough to ware anybody out.

    I can vividly recall for myself having my own meltdown on my D just a few weeks ago. I was terrified about how she would take it. Like I should really worry about that after all she put me through. Anyway I hear you about that. Sometimes the sugar coating just has to be done with.
     
  My heart goes out to you HB   so here is the best I can offer right now   
I mean besides saying I understand and I'm there with you. I think what you did was good, you gave your best effort. Cutting her off the medical was a good thing, you can only take so much.
DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF. I know we all do, but you can only own what you need to. Love you HB take care

[Feeling Better]

HB, I am so very sorry that all your effort and hard work has culminated in this and my heart goes out to you   

You have been an inspiration to all of us here and I have huge admiration for you and all that you have tried to do for your daughter. If only she could truly recognise what you have indeed done for her. If only any of these BPD offspring recognised the truth, not their perceived truth, that is something I have pondered over many times over the past few years. If this really is “it” this time, I am deeply sorry for you. Even though it is hard to bear you know that you always did the very best for her that anyone could have done, you most definitely gave it your best shot. And so yes, I agree with you, it sucks!

I hope with all my heart HB that she doesn’t cut you out of her life. I hope that things settle. I hope that you can work something out.

I'm sure I'll blame myself for a lot of this but I also think it was inevitable.

Yes, I’m sure you will blame yourself, it’s something we all do, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t, but whatever, please try not to be too hard on yourself and remember that you couldn’t have given or done anymore than what you already have x 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Bluek9, Feeling Better,

Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words. You are both lovely people and I'm glad that we've connected in this corner of the internet.

My therapist had the idea for me to get a new phone number and put my old one on a prepaid line on an old phone to have as a Daughter phone.  I panic and dread looking at my phone every time I pick it up after the last few years of crises and especially after this weekend. This way I'll check the other phone a couple times a week and she can still reach us if she needs to.

If she does contact us I'm also going to ask her not to call us until she's in treatment for all of her various mental health issues. We definitely will not be bailing her out of anymore things or giving her money.

I hope she gets herself together. I'm also grateful to have a break.

Thank you again for your support

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Ugh. She tried to friend my two best friends on Facebook. The only reason I can imagine she'd do that is to tell them how awful I am. That's just bats****. That made me really upset.

[Yepanotherone]

Oh HB I’m so very very sorry my lovely that you’ve had such a horrible time of late . This is your time now tonstep off that rollercoaster and give yourself a break . I also wanted to share a wee story about a friend of mine . She was introduced to me 3 years ago through a work colleague when we were going through the worst of it with my BPD DD . We met for coffee 3 years ago and have kept in touch since . She shared her story of woe with me and the struggles she had with her own DD and had given me advice and support along our journey.

At the time when we met for coffee , she was no contact with her daughter who was 27 and had been for some years . From high school years she had gone through hell with her DD . Her DD has been an aspiring very talented athlete then trouble started at age 16 . Typical BPD behavior including drug abuse with meth . Her daughter has literally given them a life of hell ; they have done everything they could : therapeutic residential schools , rehab centers , family therapy : you name it . Her daughter had lived in the streets on and off since the age of 18 when she decided her mom was the devil incarnate , got deeper into drugs and  prostitution , and her mental health issues included bipolar /BPD and drug induced psychosis. They’ve had their lives threatened, House burgled and held at gun point in the past by her DD’s drug dealers . At one point my friend had to hire a private detective to locate her daughter after she got word that her DD was on the borders with Mexico and about to be sex trafficked out of the country . You name it , my friend went through it . She was in tears when telling me her story . At that point she said she would sometimes see her daughter on the street , she would beep her car horn  and wave  and her daughter would merely respond with a rude hand gesture . My friend told me she would never get over the devastating loss of her DD and it was so very painful seeing what her DD had become .

Fast forward three years to now : somehow things have turned around . for whatever reason , her DD has had a complete turn around . She moved back home , she got a job , she’s clean from her drug abuse , she’s compliant with treatment and they have just returned from a 4 week family vacation to Italy . They have had a fabulous time and going on the pictures on Facebook , her daughter is a different person . I messaged my friend to ask how things are going and she’s been telling me she simply cannot believe she has her daughter back . Shes 30 now and has likely burned herself out with leading such a wild crazy life for over 14 years .

There is hope HB . Never give up that hope x

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Yepanotherone,

What a crazy story and how amazingly wonderful that her daughter has turned around. That must feel miraculous, I can't imagine.

Thank you for sharing. I am hopeful. My daughter was making a lot of progress for a while. I know this happened because of her deep shame about everything. We tried really hard not to make her feel ashamed but it's also not fair or possible to not be mad at someone when they are so affecting your life. She had very little regard for how much she affected us at times. Other times she felt awful and couldn't stop apologizing. It's hard to walk the line between those. She so desperately needs dbt. She is very bright and researches a lot about psychology despite refusing to see a therapist. I think some part of her knows she has BPD. She has not been diagnosed.

Last week we had a long discussion about a documentary following Jake Paul and how a counselor was talking about people with antisocial personality disorder. It deeply upset her that this therapist was vilifying people with antisocial pd. She mentioned the word borderline for the first time ever to me. I made sure to say that people with borderline are deeply emotional and compassionate.

I wish it weren't like this. I wish she were still excited about moving into the condo we were going to buy. We were considering getting her a dog so she would be less lonely. There is an excellent therapy place waking distance from there and I had hoped we could get her to go there. She wanted to start online school. I think the prospect of having responsibility and having to try to do well was too much for her.