Some nights

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

*Sigh*

I'm sure I am not alone in having those nights. Where everything is ok-ish. Nothing too terribly wrong and then its like the walls come down on your head. Like no outside noise can drown out the mental sound of everything. Like things were going pretty good then they took a turn for the worst. When the mental exhaustion seems more than usual. It doesn't even have to be your crap.

For me, tonight, I didn't plan on anything too spectacular. But in the last hour I have come to realize that I'm making the right choice to leave the place I am. Get closer to my family and some healthily functioning people.

It was a pretty good day. A little rain but never a downpour. A new-ish face at work that made me have hope for the future and give me a little spring in my step. Maybe because when they talked to me I felt like I mattered. Like I wasn't a nuisance. The fun way me and my co-workers can tease each other over little things. Coming home and having a little alone time.

And then one decision that changed everything. A quick stop that turned into a mistake. One that lead to the minor breakdown in mental toughness.

I drove past her house. I just was smoking a cig before getting gas in a town that has less streets than most city blocks. A laps in judgment. The river of missing her. And the short drive down a road I never should have been on. Damn.

I got home and my roommates are fighting. I'm sitting here wishing they would stop only because I wish I was across town still able to fight with her for us. I know we weren't in a healthy relationship, but my heart doesn't care. It makes my whole chest ache for her and the love, however fake or onesided it may have been, that I felt with her.

Wishing won't change anything. It won't make those empty promises of the rest of our lives be true. About working through everything.

I was doing ok for a while. I could reach out and hopefully give some encouragement to others. I was hoping I was further past these slumps. I know "running" won't help anything. I know I'll still be where ever I end up. But this place, god these walls, these streets and these people. I'll be gone soon enough. And the sweet relief of the road and the lines, passing them one after another until I reach a place where I know real love is. Where the hugs will be long enough and the laughter will be genuine. No more faking smiles to people looking for gossip to spread. No more holding back in fear that she will have more ammo to use against me when the silence has been long enough for her.

Then the real healing begins

It's only freaking Monday.

[OrionLeonardo]

*Sigh*

I'm sure I am not alone in having those nights. Where everything is ok-ish. Nothing too terribly wrong and then its like the walls come down on your head. Like no outside noise can drown out the mental sound of everything. Like things were going pretty good then they took a turn for the worst. When the mental exhaustion seems more than usual. It doesn't even have to be your crap.

For me, tonight, I didn't plan on anything too spectacular. But in the last hour I have come to realize that I'm making the right choice to leave the place I am. Get closer to my family and some healthily functioning people.

It was a pretty good day. A little rain but never a downpour. A new-ish face at work that made me have hope for the future and give me a little spring in my step. Maybe because when they talked to me I felt like I mattered. Like I wasn't a nuisance. The fun way me and my co-workers can tease each other over little things. Coming home and having a little alone time.

And then one decision that changed everything. A quick stop that turned into a mistake. One that lead to the minor breakdown in mental toughness.

I drove past her house. I just was smoking a cig before getting gas in a town that has less streets than most city blocks. A laps in judgment. The river of missing her. And the short drive down a road I never should have been on. Damn.

I got home and my roommates are fighting. I'm sitting here wishing they would stop only because I wish I was across town still able to fight with her for us. I know we weren't in a healthy relationship, but my heart doesn't care. It makes my whole chest ache for her and the love, however fake or onesided it may have been, that I felt with her.

Wishing won't change anything. It won't make those empty promises of the rest of our lives be true. About working through everything.

I was doing ok for a while. I could reach out and hopefully give some encouragement to others. I was hoping I was further past these slumps. I know "running" won't help anything. I know I'll still be where ever I end up. But this place, god these walls, these streets and these people. I'll be gone soon enough. And the sweet relief of the road and the lines, passing them one after another until I reach a place where I know real love is. Where the hugs will be long enough and the laughter will be genuine. No more faking smiles to people looking for gossip to spread. No more holding back in fear that she will have more ammo to use against me when the silence has been long enough for her.

Then the real healing begins

It's only freaking Monday.

[Toohurt]

“ I wish I was across town still able to fight with her for us.“

Hi OrionLeonardo,
 First of all sending you hugs, hugs and more hugs.
This line above, that you wrote is one that tugged at my heart the strongest - this is what hits me hardest and at the most unexpected moments.
The thing is, I believe, that for the most part, we were the ones doing all the fighting, the holding on, the reasoning in these relationships. We were the ones carrying the entire weight of the relationship, so much so that when all of it comes crumbling down, we feel empty, and so broken.
Probably this is why it’s easier for our BPD exes to walk away with the least concern because they hardly invested anything positive in here. They left us with their guilt, their shame, their anger, their complexities, yes. But the love was all ours.
I have been going through similar phases, even though ours was two years of long distance. His allergy to mint, his food preferences, his throaty laugh, the memories hit me at the worst times. Often just when I feel somewhat secure. And then I force myself to think about his current complete disregard for me, his display of outward stability and his claims of being sorted.
I guess all we have to do, is get up, dust ourselves and continue to walk on. Surely peace can’t be too far off this road?

[mama-wolf]

OL, I hope your Tuesday is turning out much better than it seems Monday did.   

I was doing ok for a while. I could reach out and hopefully give some encouragement to others. I was hoping I was further past these slumps.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're in a place where you can help others, and then seeming to hit a setback in your own healing.  As many have tried to help me understand, this process is far from linear.  Most (if not all) of us will go through cycles of our grief and processing... .sometimes experiencing multiple phases at one time.  The slumps will continue to happen, but we'll get better and better at recovering from them.

I know "running" won't help anything. I know I'll still be where ever I end up. But this place, god these walls, these streets and these people. I'll be gone soon enough.

There is something to be said for putting yourself in a new environment that will be conducive to your healing.  I don't know that this would be considered running.  You know you'll still have to work through all that you're going through.  If where you are physically located now proves to be a hindrance to that then it sounds like a very healthy choice to go somewhere else for a while.

mw

[OrionLeonardo]

Thank you both

Toohurt, its interesting how all their little quirks add up to be little reminders now huh? You are right about one thing, its all our love. I don't doubt that. And for it, I am grateful. It gives me a bit of hope that I'm not as far gone as I feel sometimes, like yesterday.

Mamawolf, I'm looking forward to the move. I thought on it a longer time than I thought I needed just to be sure. I go back and forth on excitement and saddness. I know that once I leave we will probably never see each other again. The flip side, we probably shouldn't anyway. I know I can survive this and heal myself. It's not making this easier though. My hope is that once I'm on the road, closing this chapter and starting a new one that I will find peace in knowing I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. She won't leave this place. It was one of our fights. And probably one of the few truths I got told. Lucky us we can just be done and both move on. Me literally and hopefully her on whatever level that is.

I'm very grateful for this place. I really don't know what I would have done left to my own thoughts last night.
My Tuesday has been better. Thank you both again.

[1stTimer]

Hey OrionLeonardo, thanks for sharing that. I'm not sure IF you are a writer but I'll tell you MAN if not you should try channeling some of yourself into writing. That post was almost Salinger-worthy... .

[Mindfried]

What amazes me is all the constant conflict, break ups, false accusations, all words no actions, lack of support, etc, etc, etc that we have all endured in these relationships and no matter how hard we try all we can remember are the good times and the longing we have for these lost partners with broken souls and deep wounds. Maybe they are all disciples of evil that have taken over our hearts, minds, and souls.

[OrionLeonardo]

Hey OrionLeonardo, thanks for sharing that. I'm not sure IF you are a writer but I'll tell you MAN if not you should try channeling some of yourself into writing. That post was almost Salinger-worthy... .

Thank you. I honestly up until this forum only wrote for myself. Maybe compiling my stuff would be a good idea. Who knows, maybe all of this mess was part of my path to becoming the next big author 

What amazes me is all the constant conflict, break ups, false accusations, all words no actions, lack of support, etc, etc, etc that we have all endured in these relationships and no matter how hard we try all we can remember are the good times and the longing we have for these lost partners with broken souls and deep wounds. Maybe they are all disciples of evil that have taken over our hearts, minds, and souls.

I agree. It may be they are lost souls and maybe we have been sent to either help heal them or ourselves. I'm going to veer away from disciples of evil only because I feel like thats reserved for rapist and pedophiles. I think damaged people who were never taught coping turn into damaged adults who don't know how to cope. We all have our paths. Many times here I have read about healing and my hope is that both parties can do that. I wouldn't wish evil things on my ex. I know I, for my sake, can't be there on her journey. I wish I could sometimes. I've been doing soul searching and self realizing a lot. The flip side, I wouldn't have been doing those things with her. Sad yet true. My insight into a lot of mental problems in adults is childhood trauma. The intimate relationships are what they can't seem to do. I've noticed that to the outside world, some people with similar issues look like wonderful humans. Kind, caring, compassionate. I know my ex did. Went above and beyond for people outside the home. I don't think she faked understanding their troubles and trying to make them feel better. Yet it was easier with them. They weren't in her space 24/7 or even asking for intimacy.

Would it be so strange to think we ourselves suffer from our own deep wounds? That instead of turning intimacy ugly so to speak we turned it into an over obsession? Is being co-dependent any better than being boarder line or narcissistic?

Food for thought

[Chitchat]

Is being co-dependent any better than being boarder line or narcissistic?

Food for thought

Isn't that precisely the pwBPD's point?

[OrionLeonardo]

Isn't that precisely the pwBPD's point?

I'm sorry. I'm not sure what the pw is... .I would love to know to continue this conversation.

[Harley Quinn]

pw = person with

Just to go back to your original post for a moment... .

I was doing ok for a while. I could reach out and hopefully give some encouragement to others. I was hoping I was further past these slumps.

Hitting the slumps (as is normal and to be expected) and sharing about them IS helping others.  It is proof that they are not alone as they go through the same cycles.  We all go through this, and it will go on as long as it needs to, so be patient with yourself.  The only way out is through, so even hitting the slump is progress. 

How are you doing today OL?  This journey is tough, and one well worth taking - as hard as it is.  Be proud of yourself for not doing the things that you are pulled to do in those moments, as you know that is your emotions taking over and wouldn't be healthy for either of you.  It was a wise move to post. 

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

Hitting the slumps (as is normal and to be expected) and sharing about them IS helping others.  It is proof that they are not alone as they go through the same cycles.  We all go through this, and it will go on as long as it needs to, so be patient with yourself.  The only way out is through, so even hitting the slump is progress. 

How are you doing today OL?  This journey is tough, and one well worth taking - as hard as it is.  Be proud of yourself for not doing the things that you are pulled to do in those moments, as you know that is your emotions taking over and wouldn't be healthy for either of you.  It was a wise move to post. 

Love and light x

Today has been a decent day. Nothing too eventful. I wasn't overwhelmed with thoughts of her so that was good.

Patience, indeed, much needed. Easier said than done some days. I try to remind myself in the slumps that they too are useful, even if its harder to understand why some days.

I'm grateful to everyone who has reached out to me. I'm glad even after my moment of weakness I was able to regroup and let some things out here. It was a much needed outlet.

Thank you Harley 

[OrionLeonardo]

Isn't that precisely the pwBPD's point?

It's probably exactly their point. It's interesting because my ex was very insightful and said some very profound eye opening things to me, about me. It wasn't always mean or to be hurtful. Sometimes it was in normal conversation. I think I had the advantage because I was very aware that I wasn't perfect and that some of those things I did need to work on. Yes, sometimes it was just hurtful things. I feel like the receptiveness on the flip side wasn't equal. If something was pointed out to her, it was like it was an attack. I wouldn't say it makes pwBPD evil. Just unhealthy in dealing with umm self-awareness so to speak. It's easy to look at others and say they do this or that. It's harder to look within and say this is what I did. How would I react? Would I be able to maintain myself if I felt personally attacked?

I learned about projecting over 10 years ago in a very basic level psychology/sociology class. I noticed towards the end of my relationship that happened more than I had been aware of or would have liked to admit. I kept getting sucked in during the times I was being mirrored. They were short lived but gave me the hope to keep going through the tough times. I've noticed since the end of the relationship, I've been exploring so many self awareness avenues. Something I'm confident isn't happening on her side. It's makes me sad for her.

Like Harley just said about hard but necessary journey through this. I know I need to keep my distance from my ex. When I start to feel really anything about any of it I try to remind myself Don't break no contact, wish her well and move on.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing OL? 

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

Hmmm I'm doing ok. Getting ready to move. Only about 48 hours left in this place and then I'll be off on a new adventure.

Its strange how knowing I'm leaving has put this longing to see her one last time in my awareness. I don't even know what I would say. Probably nothing that would make any difference. I'm ready to be out of such close proximity and yet I'm almost more heartbroken now than ever. I can't stop myself from wishing to hold her one last time. I do know that it wouldn't bring me anything but more heartache. The urge is still there. I resist which from a spiritual standpoint is why I am receiving more urges. I just know I should not give in. I know my words would fall on deaf ears and may even cause more pain for both of us. The one time that saying the struggle is real isn't just some cop out for a silly first world problem.

I'm trying to remind myself that the bond we had and how it was formed is not healthy. That I need to remember the lesson from all of this. Go on and continue my healing and growing into a person who doesn't attract this kind of relationship. I hope when I'm finally on the road the radio is in a forever good song playing place.

Thank you for checking on me. 

[Harri]

Hi Orion Leonardo.  I don't think we have met before but I have read some of your posts.  I just want to stop in and say that I think it is good to recognize that you want to hold her one last time and that you will miss her.  It is even healthier that you know it would not be good to act on those feelings.  I guess what I a saying is hat I see you recognizing your feelings and accepting them without acting on them or pushing them away or even turning them into something else.

That is all very good stuff.  Hard and painful but good.  Keep breathing.

I hope your move goes well.  Take care.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OL,

You've a lot going on and I'm with Harri.  This is hard and painful stuff and I'm sure that with your move everything is feeling especially big and final.  That feeling of finality is tough when it hits us.  What ways can you treat yourself extra gently right now?  Something simple I adopted was to give myself compassion around the open wound by taking a moment to say to myself "I am having a very difficult time right now" and giving myself a virtual hug.  Heck, I even threw my arms around myself sometimes and gave myself a squeeze.  Treat yourself as you would a close friend or family member who is hurting.

Your new adventure sounds exciting and full of promise.  Moving can be stressful even when exciting, as it's a big change and can be hard work.  Do you have sufficient help with the task?  Can you make anything easier for yourself?  Now is the time to ease any load that you can.  We're here if you have a wobble and need to share.     

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

Thank you Harri. The truth will set us free if we are brave enough to swallow it.

And Harley, brilliant as always. Giving myself compassion has never been my strong suit. (And I'm not sure I spelled suit right... .) I suppose just acknowledging the difficult time might ease some of it. I really ought to be packing more and getting things together so I am fully prepared when I want to be. Honestly though, for the last couple of days I have been dealing with some plumbing issues with my roommates father who is probably double my age. The perspective on life has been absolutely needed. He was with his ex-wife for 37 years. Upon hearing his stories and trying to learn from them, I have came to a better understanding that I am on my way. I feel like its like losing weight, when people start saying how great you look at first its hard to believe. He told me I have a good head on my shoulders which coming from someone with that much life experience means I must not be as bad off as I feel some days.

I have tried to remember what I have been learning lately. Last night was difficult for some reason. I couldn't stop all of the replays and fantasy situations from reeling through my brain. I finally fell asleep somehow. This morning when they tried to start again I worked on identifying things I was grateful for instead. I think it worked. I went and drank my coffee, woke up a bit before jumping into the plumbing issues getting resolved.

I think was is bugging me more than anything is I have these pictures from Christmas that I want to delete but they are her family, her sister, kids, nieces and nephews, mom and dad. I don't feel right about just erasing them forever. I have been thinking about it for some time and I really think giving them to her mom is the best bet. She at least fakes nice to me and may appreciate the gesture without trying to start a verbal altercation with me. At least then they will be in the family they belong with instead of on my phone for me to browse through to feel lonely.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OL,

How did the move go?  Did you decide to send the photos? 

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

The move is going pretty well. I haven't sent the photos. Got busy packing instead of dealing with them.

I should be seeing some family today which I am ecstatic about. The things I wouldn't be doing if I were still there... .

I've been redirecting the thoughts of her and that place to gratitude and eagerness for the future. It's been getting easier. I'm glad for the time I have to be alone and process.

[Harley Quinn]

Excellent!  It's wonderful to hear that you're spending time with loved ones who show you your true value.  That's so important as we work through the impact of our relationship and the discard.  We can struggle with our self esteem and many of us had issues in that respect before entering the relationship.  Kindness is something to notice right now - that of others who care about you, that which you do for others and especially that which you give to yourself.  It allows us to enter the soothing emotional system - being - and takes us out of the areas associated with doing - making things happen (stressful) and fight or flight (anxiety).  What other ways do you have of connecting with others in your new home area?  Do you know people there?    

I'm sure it must also have been hard for you to take the step when the moment arrived to literally walk away.  How did you feel when you left?  Did your ex know about your move and did you have any contact from her?  I know the milestone moments for me were when I felt most conflicted and torn.  I still loved my ex and wanted him to be well.  I wanted us to be together as we 'should' be and as I had once believed we could be.  Letting go of the dream was very hard.  We can't switch off our feelings and often our head gets in front of our hearts.  Rationally we know we need to move on but it still hurts.  It takes a lot of strength to do what you have in taking yourself out of the equation logistically.  You've taken charge of your path and done what is right for you and that's admirable.    

In order to stay on track with my detaching, something I kept referring back to was the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck and I also found that speaking to other members here in their threads kept me aware of the impact of being in a relationship with a sufferer who isn't treated or at least very actively working through that.  It reinforced my desire to heal and eventually stopped me from looking back through the rose coloured lenses.  In a new home and with a new start you have a great opportunity to forge ahead yet be aware that you may still question your decision at some point.  Grief has a way of doing that to us.  You've taken a big step physically and don't be surprised if it takes some time yet for your emotions to catch up entirely.  Cut yourself some slack.  I'm glad you're processing and focusing on positives.  Give yourself opportunity to fall apart too if that's what you need.  It's OK to not be OK.  

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi OL,

I was doing ok for a while. I could reach out and hopefully give some encouragement to others. I was hoping I was further past these slumps.

Members can help each other at any stage you don’t even have to know what to say it will make that hurt member feel like they’re not alone. Plus it helps you feel better   

[once removed]

Got busy packing instead of dealing with them.

i took all the relationship memorabilia, packed it in a box, and put it away, out of sight, and out of mind.

what about just packing them away (whether you decide to send them to her mom or not)? you might want them later, you might not, but no need to decide now.

[OrionLeonardo]

What other ways do you have of connecting with others in your new home area?  Do you know people there?    

I'm sure it must also have been hard for you to take the step when the moment arrived to literally walk away.  How did you feel when you left?  Did your ex know about your move and did you have any contact from her?

So I took a detour. I was planning on being at a retreat for a while but that didn't line up. I stopped by to see some family on my way to my final destination. It's been nice to be around the love of support they have for me. Where I will end up I have tons of family also. Planning on doing some things for me like some sort of martial arts or continuing reiki and Buddhism.

When I left I was like cool this is behind me. I never told her and I tried to keep it as hush as I could so she wouldn't try and stop me. She hasn't contacted me. I feel slightly torn over that also. I have my moments of severe longing for her to prove that she cares. Other times I know I am going forward and don't need the backward motion all of that would cause. I will look into the link you posted.

I was given the advice to not give her any more energy. I was dumbfounded in the moment. I was also made aware that I wasn't being present so there is that. I took it, told them they were right and did my best to get back to the present.

All is well. I am safe. I am loved. I am going forward.

  Thank you Harley

[OrionLeonardo]

i took all the relationship memorabilia, packed it in a box, and put it away, out of sight, and out of mind.

what about just packing them away (whether you decide to send them to her mom or not)? you might want them later, you might not, but no need to decide now.

I would love to. They are pictures on my phone. I had to e-mail them to get them to my computer so they are in a folder there now. You are right, no need to decide now.

Thank you Once Removed

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OL,

Wondering how you're doing?  Are you still on your detour or in your final destination? How is the grief treating you?  Its great that you've been feeling safe and loved.  Having those core needs met makes for a good solid foundation on which to heal and grow.   

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi OL,

Wondering how you're doing?  Are you still on your detour or in your final destination? How is the grief treating you?  Its great that you've been feeling safe and loved.  Having those core needs met makes for a good solid foundation on which to heal and grow.   

Love and light x

Harley,
 I am at my destination. Things started really lining up since I started my move. The grief was mild up until last night. I'm not sure if I was calling her or she was calling me but I had another nightmare. It was the first one in a while so I suppose that is a good thing. Obviously I'm not 100% over everything. I feel like over all I have been getting most of my core needs met and was doing quite a bit of healing.

How are you doing? All well with you? I hope it is.