Spending my precious time making him wrong

[juju2]

Ff,  call went ok.  She backs me, whatever I choose.
Didn't tell her how bad i am really doing.

I had a dream that i was mentally impaired.  Was at this college I nvr seen before, playing football, and also baseball.  People were staring at me.
I didnt know why. Also i couldn't tell what team people were on or which game we were playing at any given time.
Then, walking back to the dorm, i looked down, i had no shirt, no bra on, was just flopping around out there, no one said anything.  I was so shocked.
Woke up feeling like a complete idiot.
Totally unaware.

[juju2]

Staying home today, i got a taste of alone I am in this world.

I am lost now, have been for a long time.

[juju2]

So many grand gestures, last year.
I see on relationship sites, to never ever look needy, absolutely no grand gestures, everything I have done. 

People, i did end up sending an amends email,
And I did confirm about vehicle being turned in.
Also, added my spare car to my insurance.  It wouldnt start!... .So in five days i can get roadside to come out and trouble shoot.  Car worked three wks ago.   If it needs repair, i may have to keep the other vehicle for a while more... .i did share this also w him in an email, he offered to give me a jump start.  I said i cant. 

I can't people, i am severely co dependent and i need help... .my story gets worse and worse, and still and all, i think my life is going well!

That nightmare I had seemed so real.

I will get myself together, and idk if there is a cure for my disorder.  I know it is very bad now.

The people in the meetings help.  seeing and hearing everything they have gone thru.  I have a new friend, from the meeting, she shared her horrible story, and how wonderful her life is now. She was in denial for a few years, w an ex.  I haven't told her my story... .

How she did it was with the program, one step at a time.  She thought back then, things would never ever get better.  She says her life is truly great!
She came through it!  Her husb of 17 yrs had an affair, then divorced her, and married his affair partner.  That was 18 yrs ago, and they are still married.  He was an officer, they travelled a lot, and she had a very high lifestyle, it all crashed down... .  crushed her.    She did get remarried, and she is very happily married, which she said, that was impossible to her going thru her previous life... .

[juju2]

From my friends story, i learn that becoming healthy will help me and my life.

It's about changed attitudes, can create a healthy happy life.   Thank God I know there is a pathway.
Have to get back on the pathway, my friends.

I can be strong.  I can be.

[juju2]

Also, over the summer, i met someone, two really nice dates... .he heard my story, and he said, all it is, is you have been in a toxic r/s.   All you need is to have a good r/s, then you won't be depressed, etc... .he really treated me well, and shared good information.   

He had something happen to him, from his past, and he said he had to go back East, for how long, he didn't know... .those two dates and talking in between helped me very much.
You guys help me.

[juju2]

And i sense the changes am going to make, vehicle and his possessions, will make me feel a lot better about myself.   I am truly seeing that,
It looks like.   Not that it will be easy.

[Notwendy]

Juju- it is ok to tell your sponsor how badly you feel. It is OK to share where you are in the group. Both the group and your sponsors are safe places. It's important to let them know where you are.

Improvement is possible. You have seen/heard it yourself. I admit it takes work. I've been working on it for a while. But it is worth it. Imagine not being co-dependent. It may not be perfect all of the time, but it does get better.

Sometimes it takes more than one resource. I have done both counseling and 12 steps. Do whatever you think you need. It's an investment in yourself.

[formflier]

Didn't tell her how bad i am really doing.
 

   

Sometimes it takes time to collect your thoughts... to even know what to say. 

I hope that is/was the issue and that today you are better able to express yourself to your sponsor.  Can you call your sponsor back and be completely open and honest about your feelings?

We are in your corner... .

FF

[juju2]

Yes ff. I can.  Sometimes she gets short w me, she has heard my story so many times.
I couldn't handle it if she was going to be that way, yesterday.    She doesnt get how come i am so involved w this man who is gone... .She is getting too much info, and she believes I can get past this.
She is a lot more healthy than me.

She came over to my house one day and got so upset at all the stuff, she had to leave.
Maybe that was a good thing, cause she may have said something upsetting... .

I have other program friends I can call if i need to.
Am going to a meeting tonite, my home group.

Am using the tools of the program, awareness, acceptance, action... .  each A. can sometimes take a very long time, no one can do any of it for you, that is why advice is a no-no in the rooms.

My first sponsor, 6 yrs ago, said to me, you can learn to work things out, one way is to imagine your best friend came to you with ABC issue.

Try to be objective.   None of us is unique.  Someone has dealt w this exact issue before.

My new friend already helped me w her success story and how long it did take... .you all help me.
A lot.  Yesterday for example.   I was so down I scared myself... .

[juju2]

Hi family.  Am in the e.r.

My colleague heard about my day yesterday, and insisted I get an evaluation.

Am waiting for the doctor.

Has anyone read anything by Rick Reynolds?
Am thinking about getting his book.

Thank you,  Juju

[formflier]

Do I need professional help... .?

I'm glad you are getting an evaluation, although I don't know what that means.  I've been wanting to respond to this quote, but have been trying to be considerate of a best time.

The time seems right.

The truthful answer is there is no way for us to tell if you need professional help.

Professionals are the only ones to determine that.  I'll break that down more specifically... .Psychiatrists and Psychologists, working together as a team are where you want to go.

If there are specific things that you are concerned about the language you need to use with this is please "rule out" that I am dealing with (let's say depression or bipolar or insert label).

That's very different than saying "hey doc... what do you think".  When they "rule out" they will likely do extensive testing.

I've done this.

I have a Dx of PTSD.  Years ago my wife became convinced that I was bi polar (among other things).  Plus, with as much crazy as I had in my life, seemed like a good idea to do a "deep dive" and see what was going on.

MMPI and PAI were some of the tests I did.  Extensive interviews and examinations over a period of time. 

This resulted in a long report that basically said.  FF has PTSD.  FF only has PTSD.  Here is why we believe FF has PTSD.  Here is why we believe FF does NOT have (x, y, z).

Based on this... .these are our recommendations.


My life is so much better.  My understanding of PTSD is that it never gets "cured".  My current Psychologist likes the term "in remission" and she likes the analogy of a hurt knee.  Many people use a brace when they do strenuous things.

I "use a brace" deliberately, when I am in stressful situations, because of a longstanding "injury" (PTSD). 

Hope that makes sense.

Clarity:  I'm not suggesting you have any particular diagnoses.  I am suggesting that being deliberate about sorting out what is going on with you is a wise step.  I imagine your life will be much better as a result.

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f.

Am dx w serious depression.  Am on 2 meds for that, e.r. doc suggested I go in for ofc visit w my primary care.  It's time for my annual physical anyway. And e.r. doc thought it may be my thyroid, he said if its out of whack, can cause depression, among other things.

Thanks for everyone's support these last few days.
Again you all made a difference!

[formflier]

Thanks for being open about your DX with depression.  I had a Dx of PTSD for 3 years (and had done some treatment) before I went through the process of "ruling out" other issues and "confirming" the dx of PTSD.

At the time, it wasn't fun, but it did help me be more confident after that I was going on the right path to care for me.

I hope you will consider a similar pathway, although I can't imagine that being productive without first making sure the thyroid is within some sort of normal range. 

I am blessed that mine has never acted up.  I have some dear friends that have struggled with it over the years.  Years of stability and then out of the blue a period of many months to get it stabilized again... .with the accompanying chaos (instability) while getting it settled.  Not for the faint of heart.

I suppose my closest thing was getting another sleep study done and finding out my sleep efficiencies were in the tank.  It was a process to get them back.

Hang in there... we are rooting for you!

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f.

Am going to see him Wednesday, he is bringing our cat back.  She stayed w him for almost four months.  He has her on some medicine the vet gave, and he wants to show me how to give it to her... .so I will be concluding all connections, end of oct, and the possessions thereafter.  He has reached out to me more, and he asked to call me, the call I got so upset about the bowling... .my sponsor thought the bowling wasn't a big issue.
And at lunch, last wk, he did talk about us getting back together, we would have to go slowly, work on our issues.he said he is ready to break up w that lady... .then I got all crazy during our last phone call, two days ago... .stupid bowling... .idk family.  The psychologist I am going to see, she has exp w BPD, and she is the one we saw for couples counceling... .

Am I overreacting.?  Looking back, it seems like he is trying to move closer, and definitely more forthcoming... .does anyone know what is going on?   Am I on the right track, escalating my detachment.?

[formflier]

Am I overreacting.? 

No... you are not.

One of the things that I've observed about you and give a      to as you work through all this is you are being more clear to us here on the family, sponsors, pwBPD... and others about what is important to Juju2 

Let that continue.  You are developing your truth and letting others react to that... .  Bowling was a big deal to you... that's what matters.

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f.

What is going on, with him keep telling me that he is ready to call the r/s, she is always bit#$ing at him, he isnt going to live this way, etc... .that he want us to see if we can work out, etc, slowly... .
can't just jump in to where we were... .all that sounds good, doesn't it.   The bowling doesnt mean that much to him... .

Really, he is reaching out to me more... .
Do you have any insight.

Thank you,  j

[Cat Familiar]

Juju, you might want to look this over and think how it might apply to you:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63989.0

[juju2]

Thank you Cat.  That's good info.  Appreciate it.

[juju2]

Did something hard.  Emailed him, cannot see him anymore, as long as he is seeing someone else.

He emailed back, sorry you are having such a hard time.  I respect your wishes.

[juju2]

and i am angry at all the stupid hoops I went thru, now one year, and before that, ten years... .

I was my worst enemy, my people.

[Notwendy]

Juju- now that you have done this, I hope you will stick to it. Not about him but for you. Stay true to yourself. You made a decision to not be involved with him while he is seeing someone else as it feels hurtful to you. Respect that about you. You don't want to do things that are hurtful to you.

We can get addicted to drama in a relationship. Emotional ups and downs are like highs and lows. There will be times you feel like you are going through withdrawal. These are times to lean on your sponsor. I am glad you went to the doctor for help.

Be good to yourself. This isn't about him, it's about self love, and self care. Take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

Be good to yourself. You learned from this. If you feel angry that is OK to feel what you feel, but be gentle with yourself. You are your own best friend. 

[juju2]

The person he is with, he told me, has no friends, doesn't go to recovery.   It isn't the person i thought before... .at any rate, i am sure he feels needed, and that was missing in our relationship... .I was more needy.   Than authentically needing.

He said, she gave up everything to be with me... .

[Notwendy]

Juju- keep the focus on you. There is nothing wrong with you. If he needs someone to give up who she is to be with him, you don't want to be that person. Also- he can say anything- that doesn't make it true.

Take care of you. You are your #1 right now.

[Harley Quinn]

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Thanks for your participation and understanding.