He reached out, yet again.

[Toohurt]

I’ve posted my story earlier, in quite some detail and a quick re cap would be how my ex, rather unceremoniously, for the umpteenth time, broke up after coldly blaming me for all his problems (alcoholism, cheating) but still rather magnanimously saying that in case I needed to reach out, he’s there, as a friend.
Surpringly, inspte of my saying so, he didn’t block me on his WhatsApp. Yesterday, after more than a week of silence, he messaged, asking me how my session with my therapist went. (It was yesterday morning, and I literally doubled over in shock that he remembered ?) I replied curtly that it went fine, to which he asked me how I was doing, and I said fine again. Not sure if the narcissist in him took over by then, because he wrote ‘good’ and that was that.
Just yesterday I said to my therapist that each time I’m about to feel centred and focused he reaches out, and lo and behold, there he was.
I’ve found myself thinking and re thinking yet again, why did he, was it out of concern, does he care, was it just a hooking me in mechanism, to make himself appear like the good guy, and honestly I don’t want to go down this abyss again.
Just wanted to get it all out of my system.

[spero]

Hi there toohurt, how would you like to understand this phrase below, would you just be trying to make sense of his behaviour? and move on or set boundaries? If you'd like i could perhaps shed some light. Though as any other posts. These are just my own possible analysis as i am not a trained psycho therapist in anyway.

I’ve found myself thinking and re thinking yet again, why did he, was it out of concern, does he care, was it just a hooking me in mechanism, to make himself appear like the good guy, and honestly I don’t want to go down this abyss again.

Yours,
Spero

[Toohurt]

Thank you for getting back to me Spero - it’s an immense help hearing back from people who have been through similar situations and just understand you.
I would love to hear your insight into this chaos that I feel right now. The place I’m at right now, i want to understand his behaviour (as much as possible) set boundaries, firm ones, as I make my exit.
Thank you once again for reaching out.

[spero]

Hi Toohurt,

So here is what i think a person who has BPD might do. If he is undiagnosed, it would be more difficult to pinpoint motivations so what I write. Is mostly out of experience of my uBPDexGF who has probably some degree of comorbidity with narcissism.

People who have BPD as i understand, some not all, have to a certain degree stunted emotional developement. This is unfortunate and they may not see relationships like most people would. An example would be seeing your children perhaps, if someone treats them bad, they would "unfriend" the person for a while because they feel hurt. But the moment they are feeling okay again, they might want to "re-friend". It is perhaps in this perspective and paradigm of how he chooses to breakup and patch back with you. Unforuntately, he doesn't have the capability to understand the reality that adults with properly developed attachments would find this extremely hurtful and conflicting. 

Him reaching out and being there as a friend, i would put it is more of him trying to feel accepted by you, as much as it sounds weird, that deep desire to feel, "the need to be needed itself" is a need. So he may not see you as a person per se, but as a source which would supply "his need for personal acceptance". That perhaps comes from his own lack of self, being needed by someone feels that deep need of being "loved and accepted" and perhaps in his childhood he might not have experienced that from his family.

When we respond to such needs, the need itself is "temporarily fulfilled" and therefore once it is temporarily filled for the time being, he may revert to being cold, because he may not see relationship with people as people, but rather as objects. I think it would be to a greater degree of showing concern to you as a motivation for him to receive his supply of "the need to be accepted" which temporarily alleviates how he feels deep inside. So, i won't say he intentionally and maliciously hooks you in, but if you see him as a child, it would probably change your perspective slightly. His primary motivations are perhaps driven by that deep primitive need to escape the emptiness he feels inside as a result of BPD/NPD.

Now, back to the part where he reverts to being cold. I would think that its a defence mechanism, not so much against you, but for himself. Because for him to feel even slightly would overwhelm things. That coldness is a form of detachment, because they fear attachement and perhaps in that sense have an "avoidance" style of relationship. But that suppression of how one feels would eat away him away, its like a damn waiting to burst. And when it does the tantrums, the self-half, the shouting, anything done at that point is to stop the pain and distress of how he might be feeling at that time. The behaviour may appear manipulative and it is right to say that they think about themselves. But, if you have children, and you know when they are young, don't they only think about themselves and their own needs and how to meet their own needs? Plus also having that expectation that when a tantrum is thrown, someone would soothe them, just like a small child or baby. That perhaps is some level of how i understand them to be.

Of course they are responsible, of course they need to own their behaviour. But they may not have the tools unless they go through therapy, and their reailty is usually distorted, in their distress, they might make something up so that they can be consistent with how they feel, and not consistent with what reality might actually be. It is unfortunate that some reinforce their own maladaptive behaviours by pushing others away and then concluding that everyone leaves them. This is only the possible aspects after reading your post and it isn't the full diagnosis. But this is perhaps how your ex is thinking. Just my two cents, I hope that helps with the part of trying to understand.

The saddest thing personally for me is, hoping that my uBPDex would improve but where she is right now would be tremendously difficult, to unlearn many processes. She may have had a good thing, but she could not differentiate what was good and bad. It takes a long time for someone who has consistently be in a bad place to even recognise that and want to improve. She had constructed for herself a narrative that she didnt deserve what was good, and people would eventually give up on her. So she kept acting out to convince herself that what she thought was true. She was... in such a dark place that she hated goodness, and would not accept it.

Well i hope this helps gives some perspective and well, sorry for the slight rant about my own ex. Take good care, toohurt.

Yours,
Spero.

[Toohurt]

Spero,
 
What do I say?
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I had tears streaming down as I read all that you wrote.
I’m in a strange, unfamiliar place at the moment, where my whole sense of self seems to be going through an upheaval. I’m hurting for him and for me and it’s agonising.
I want you to know that you taking the time out and putting in this effort to help me get some form clarity means the world to me right now.
As much as I replay everything my therapist says in my head when I sense myself slipping, the helplessness, the why wasn’t I able to help him or pull him through, or what part of him was real, what bits do I hold on to, can just be exhausting sometimes.
But I guess all of them is real. Whatever glimmer of love they showed was also them, and then the rage, the inflicting of pain on us is also them.
I suppose us nons are in for defeat right from the start, the rules were never meant to favour us or even make sense to us.
All my love, and lots of light your way Spero. You made today easier for me.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Toohurt. I was scrolling through some back pages and noticed that we haven’t heard from you in a bit. You seemed to be hurting when you last posted. How are you feeling now?