the "maybe we should quit" trigger

[Euler2718]

So, too late to do this right, but she said " maybe we should quit" an hour before her train and dramatic breakup ensued. I can't even think straight when my abandonment fear is triggered. What have you all done when you hear a phrase like this? I can rehearse in case it happens again I guess. She even gave me a way out, I feel ashamed for giving up on her (you'll notice it was her idea, though).

I hate being repeatedly distanced like this! It's my worst thing ever. Of course, she thought I did nt care, anf I was do numb I thought so too.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Euler2718]

It's funny, that I'm trying to stay with someone who wants to leave. But she DIDNT really want to, she realky meant "I'm scared you don't live me". I feel like the push/pull stuff means you live life knowing your primary relationship (and, by extension, your life) is always in peril. It's like living in a war torn country hoping to avoid car bombs day after day. Pretty difficult.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like she is trying (and failing) to find acceptable expressions of her fears she will lose you.

How frustrating for her, and for you, that her best response to the fear of losing you is to pull the pin on the relationship.

I admire you for recognizing your own attachment anxieties.

What did you say when she said "maybe we should quit"?

[Euler2718]

I said ok, let's quit. The alternative seemed getting abandoned repeatedly and then finally once and for all. Later, I thought maybe it wouldn't have gone that way, I'm unsure now. I just wanted a reasonable amount of "emotional safety". Also, she kept telling me the way I loved her was no good. I've since become aware if deeper feelings (the lack of safety had me shut down with respect to my emotional self).