Dating after abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi all,

I haven't posted in quite some time. When I was in a lot of pain surrounding my break up, these message boards were really helpful. I have been in therapy and really focused on healing. Despite facing some harassment from my ex with BPD, I have been doing a good job avoiding her and everything that has to do with her.

I have been in a new relationship for about 6 months. It is much more stable and communicative and I am very thankful for that.

I suffered a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of my ex, as well as sexual assault (I can finally name these things thanks to my therapist). I have a friend who, although her ex did not have BPD, experienced similar forms of emotional abuse and manipulation as I did. She also has a boyfriend now.

She and I were talking about new relationships after abuse and she said something that resonated with me. Essentially it boiled down to the fact that the love with her current boyfriend doesn't feel as strong as the love with the ex.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this. I love my girlfriend a lot but our love doesn't feel as... .powerful maybe? And maybe this is because with my ex, there was the phase of idealization followed by her abuse. Obviously during the idealization, I felt a very strong, almost all consuming sense of love. Once the abuse started, things altered between me feeling worthless and me feeling like I was the only thing that could save her. All of this is unhealthy, and I definitely understand that now.

I do not miss her, I do not miss the relationship, but sometimes I miss that sense of powerful, consuming love. I question if that love centered in chaos and abuse can even be counted as real love, though.

I guess I'm just seeking advice. Should we not feel things as strongly in our future relationships? Is this just something we have to live with and get over? Will nothing feel as immense as that unhealthy love?

Thank you in advanced for your replies.

[sadboi]

hi all,

I haven't posted in quite some time. When I was in a lot of pain surrounding my break up, these message boards were really helpful. I have been in therapy and really focused on healing. Despite facing some harassment from my ex with BPD, I have been doing a good job avoiding her and everything that has to do with her.

I have been in a new relationship for about 6 months. It is much more stable and communicative and I am very thankful for that.

I suffered a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of my ex, as well as sexual assault (I can finally name these things thanks to my therapist). I have a friend who, although her ex did not have BPD, experienced similar forms of emotional abuse and manipulation as I did. She also has a boyfriend now.

She and I were talking about new relationships after abuse and she said something that resonated with me. Essentially it boiled down to the fact that the love with her current boyfriend doesn't feel as strong as the love with the ex.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this. I love my girlfriend a lot but our love doesn't feel as... .powerful maybe? And maybe this is because with my ex, there was the phase of idealization followed by her abuse. Obviously during the idealization, I felt a very strong, almost all consuming sense of love. Once the abuse started, things altered between me feeling worthless and me feeling like I was the only thing that could save her. All of this is unhealthy, and I definitely understand that now.

I do not miss her, I do not miss the relationship, but sometimes I miss that sense of powerful, consuming love. I question if that love centered in chaos and abuse can even be counted as real love, though.

I guess I'm just seeking advice. Should we not feel things as strongly in our future relationships? Is this just something we have to live with and get over? Will nothing feel as immense as that unhealthy love?

Thank you in advanced for your replies.

[JNChell]

Hey there, sadboi. Great topic! I’m happy to hear that therapy has been a great benefit for you. Finding a solid T is invaluable. Also, congrats on your new relationship. The stability and comfort level that you describe sounds so nice. I understand your concerns with how you’re feeling lately. It sounds like your last relationship was a real roller coaster ride. When it was up, you felt amazing and intoxicating highs. When it was down it may have felt lower than you’ve ever felt. Is this accurate to assume?

These intense ups and downs can really do a number on our minds and bodies. These types of relationships can manifest into having addictive qualities. We crave the highs of the relationship, so when we’re at a low point we do what we deem as necessary to reach that high again. Actual brain chemistry is at play with this.

So, you’re involved with who sounds looking like a very lovely person. You’re concerned because you haven’t felt those exhilarating highs thus far. I understand how you’re feeling, but try to  lower your level of concern. Odds are, this is a good sign. One thing that many of us here have in common is that our relationships were explosive and intoxicating out of the gate. It was exciting and passionate. From what I’ve learned about myself from doing work here and in therapy, I will never make that mistake again. I won’t allow myself to jump head first into a warp speed romance and I won’t allow anyone to push me into one. I will take my time in getting to know a person and I won’t waiver from my values and boundaries.

I feel that true love, aside from our children, takes it’s time to blossom. It’s patient and is willing to take its time to get to know the other side. It’s not an instant spark, but a slow burning flame. Maybe try to reassess things right now about how you’re feeling with your partner. Do your values line up fairly well with her’s? Does she respect your boundaries? Do you feel safe with her?

Take your time. Don’t let the intensity of an abusive relationship cloud your vision on what might be a healthy and sustainable one that could very well evolve into an intensely loving relationship. Thanks for reaching out.

[CryWolf]

JNChell Gave an amazing response in my opinion.

The reason that love you received from your ex was so powerful was all due to chemicals in your brain. Your brain would become so high and the sex/touches felt incredible in those moments. But then came the lows... the wild roller coaster rides, the curve balls. You craving the highs again. Then once you got the high again, it felt like a needle stuck in your arm, giving you a fix.

I myself became a junkie for the highs. Once you get in a “normal” relationship, you don’t have the highs and lows anymore. Your brain becomes centered and things feel normal. This isn’t too say you don’t love your new partner or the relationship is boring, but your brain compares it to the dynamics of the relationship with your ex.

[Mindfried]

It's all about passion. Your BPD relationship was filled with passion both good and bad.

[JNChell]

Mindfried, can you elaborate a bit more to offer sadboi a bit more of insight? It helps us all. Thanks for contributing.

[Insom]

Hi, sadboi.    You've gotten some great feedback here.  How are you feeling today?  Thoughts?

[sadboi]

Insom,

I have gotten a lot of great feedback and I really appreciate it. I think I already understood what was happening, but it was helpful for that to be reaffirmed, and to know others experience the same thing.
It is also something I have been kind of ashamed to bring up in therapy, but this has helped me decide to talk about next week.

While I understand my feelings, it is still hard to feel them, and I guess that is the next step. Missing anything about the relationship with my ex also makes me angry with myself, so I need to also work on being kinder to myself about that.

Thank you to everyone who responded, you have really helped me out and I greatly appreciate it.

[Insom]

While I understand my feelings, it is still hard to feel them, and I guess that is the next step. Missing anything about the relationship with my ex also makes me angry with myself, so I need to also work on being kinder to myself about that.

Great observations,  sadboi.  I can relate with how frustrating it feels to miss someone or something you know you don't want anymore.  It takes time to unwind this stuff, so good job working on being gentle with yourself while you go through the process.

How did your last therapy session go?  Were you able to raise any of the issues you've been feeling ashamed to bring up?

[beatrixkiddo]

I think we get so acclimated to the "noise" of the unhealthy relationship as well, that it feels odd when that noise is gone. If that makes sense. I was more than ready when I finally got out. But it really took a while to feel "normal" again. I had a strange sense of shock when the noise stopped. In an odd way, I had gotten used to it. And I had what I knew was an irrational sense of "missing" the noise with which I had gotten used to living. In my case, I had a ton of support to keep me strong. So many people came together, that I couldn't betray that. That in itself helped me stay strong. But I did have an unexplained period of what felt like missing him. But I was able to override it with a strong sense of logic, a great therapist, and the support of so many good friends. As for moving on……... I found comfort in work. I'm self employed. So I threw everything into that. And it paid off in more than one way.

[Clearmind]

I do not miss her, I do not miss the relationship, but sometimes I miss that sense of powerful, consuming love. I question if that love centered in chaos and abuse can even be counted as real love, though.

Bingo! What I thought was love was actually need. My ex mirrored me and I mirrored him - we attached and bonded through our own version of trauma.

My trauma stemmed from childhood. I did a lot of unpacking and delved back into my own childhood and uncovered a lot of contradictions. My relationship style was very much taught from my parents relationship.

I have healed from a lot of that and now I chose very different men to what I did then. It takes time, it takes some insight and it takes some understanding that love is not instant fireworks its slowly getting to know someone on a deep and intimate level - love grows it doesn't smack you in the face in an instant.

[once removed]

it takes some insight and it takes some understanding that love is not instant fireworks its slowly getting to know someone on a deep and intimate level - love grows it doesn't smack you in the face in an instant.

well said!

there are butterflies... .maybe even some powerful initial chemistry. i think sometimes its easy to mistake those things for love and intimacy... .trust, understanding... .

ive hit it off with close friends and partners quickly and never looked back, but by no means did i have the relationship with them then that i do now.

[JNChell]

Clearmind, good post. I was the same. Fulfilling a need. I was trying to fill a void left over from childhood. How would you compare how you feel with a partner now as compared to then, if it’s ok to ask?

[Clearmind]

Clearmind, good post. I was the same. Fulfilling a need. I was trying to fill a void left over from childhood. How would you compare how you feel with a partner now as compared to then, if it’s ok to ask?

With my BPDex we both held each other on a pedestal at various times. I certainly needed rescuing and so did he. It didn’t take much for that pedestal to start to lean. It leaned and righted itself so many times I lost count. That swing became addictive and is what bound us.

I learnt many years after our split that he was diagnosed – I knew by that stage he was likely to BPD.

So now! My husband and I are equal. I am not at all afraid to fall apart if I need to and neither is he. We are unwavering in our support for each other if one feels lousy! I can be upset and he does not feel the need to fix it and he is stoic in not only his support but supports my decision to choose. I don’t revel in the fact he is upset and take advantage. I can perceive if he needs space and he will let me know what he needs – there is no second guessing, baiting or walking on eggshells. We just say it without fear of any recourse. He is a resilient man that doesn’t rely on me for his happiness and I don’t rely on him.

Most importantly we are emotionally available for one another which wasn’t at all present in any relationship I had previously.

We are content in just being and I appreciate and love the small things.

[JNChell]

The pedestal. I went through the same dance. It’s interesting. Part of the vilification of the folks that are discussed here is how they put us on pedestals only to pull them out from under us. What isn’t frequently discussed is how we also place them on pedestals. I did this. In the midst of terrible behavior, I held my ex up high and protected her. I guess that hope was at play. I’m anxious to get past the pull that I feel.

[JNChell]

Also, what you described with your husband sounds like fresh air. The cleanest drink of water and the best smelling sheets. I’m happy for you. It’s nice to see that around here.