Finding footing

[meandb]

First time posting here -- hoping to find some clarity and courage. 
I'm all grown up now with adult children of my own, but still waiting to actually "feel" like an adult.  Have been on a journey the past 2 years that has been life changing - after searching random symptoms and facing some hard evaluation of anger issues in counseling with my husband, I stumbled on Surviving a Borderline Parent.

I
Couldn't
Believe
What I was reading -- it was really as if someone was looking in the windows of my childhood home and documenting the patterns and dysfunction.  My siblings also each have suffered the consequences of the chaos, and we all struggle to navigate this road.

My father does not have an official diagnosis, however I don't either feel I need one as so much of what I've read and processed have been life changing for me.  My husband agrees, we have seen incredible changes in my ability to cope, now that I can anticipate or identify some of the behaviors, have developed some boundaries and have more clarity in quickly identifying fear, obligation and guilt.  I felt like I went to an emotional rehab for months as I read and processed.  I've just completed Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I continue to "crave" any documentation that validates what I am experiencing.

My problem is that I feel as though I'm straddling a ravine - like I have my legs on 2 cliffs.  I have a hard time trusting my judgements (having so long relied on codependent approval).  Of course my love, concern and desire to share relationship (when it's good, it's really good) exists, but I generally feel as though I'm navigating a minefield.  Stress in my father's life seems to light an explosion of paranoia and delusional thought, lashing out.  In times of "calm", his thoughts almost exclusively revolve around his life, what he reads, where he goes, what he values, and wanting to "share", show or prove how significant they are.  There is almost no empathy, no listening, no asking of anyone else's feelings, situations or concerns.  Only talking at you, wanting more, needing more.  His physical health is a collection of multi system diagnoses and challenges, but life is lived on his terms - he takes his medication the way he wants, is completely non-compliant with doctor's recommendations, pushes physical limits and then demands sympathy or accuses family of not caring.

My greater concern is that my mother, greatly effected by his behaviors, has generally decided that her role as a wife means sticking with him unconditionally.  It has nearly destroyed her at times (very volatile fights, suicidal thoughts... .) but she will not leave him, and often it seems she chooses to side with him to keep "peace".  "You know how your father is" - making excuses for him, and even also taking on similar tactics such as using guilt and obligation to pressure family members into decisions.  She grew up in a very emotionally abusive home, and seems almost "comfortable" being abused.  She will lash out or walk out for hours at a time, but ultimately, has little opinion of her own.  It seems easier to defend than deny.  She generally does not know much of what dad says on the phone when she's not home, or what he writes and probably deletes in emails - so she defends his version of the truth, but she is in the dark - but I think she prefers that than facing the truth.  If the truth happens to come out, then she confronts and they fight - and the children (ages 35-50) are ultimately blamed for causing problems in their marriage. 

As I set boundaries and gain security in my own choices, ultimately, I lose my relationship with both parents -- as my mother "sticks" with my dad, she has lost out on relationship with us, with our children.  She is a casualty of his dysfunction, but it is the only way she can survive.  Her finances, her ability to communicate, her friendships - have all been very limited.  (she isn't allowed her own cell phone or email address, bank account etc.)  Offers of help have been presented, but by conviction, she chooses to stay.

Presently, I am emotionally fatigued.  I feel something recently is "broken" in me.  In my mind, I would like to care, to show affection when it would be appropriate (I've always been the sentimental one, the ring leader of family affairs, gifts, events) -- but recently, due to a series of tremendous chaos this fall, I. feel. done.  I have no desire to call, to visit, to interact.  And then I think, what kind of daughter am I?

Can anyone help me move ahead?

[Harri]

Hi meandb and welcome to the board.  I am so glad you found us and posted. 

We get it here and yes, we can help support you as you move through and forward.  It sounds like you have actually done a lot of work on your own already.  It is not easy to see some of our own behaviors and attach them to the past while also knowing we are responsible for who we are today so I think you are doing great.  That does not change the fact that this whole process is incredibly difficult and painful.  Keep reading.  We have so many articles here that we can keep you busy reading and learning for a long time.  The biggest benefit though it to interact here and post in other peoples threads.  It is amazing how much we can learn by doing that so when you feel comfortable, jump in.  Ask questions too.  Talk about whatever comes to mind.  We get it here. 

My greater concern is that my mother, greatly effected by his behaviors, has generally decided that her role as a wife means sticking with him unconditionally.  It has nearly destroyed her at times (very volatile fights, suicidal thoughts... .) but she will not leave him, and often it seems she chooses to side with him to keep "peace".  "You know how your father is" - making excuses for him, and even also taking on similar tactics such as using guilt and obligation to pressure family members into decisions.  She grew up in a very emotionally abusive home, and seems almost "comfortable" being abused.  She will lash out or walk out for hours at a time, but ultimately, has little opinion of her own.  It seems easier to defend than deny.  She generally does not know much of what dad says on the phone when she's not home, or what he writes and probably deletes in emails - so she defends his version of the truth, but she is in the dark - but I think she prefers that than facing the truth.  If the truth happens to come out, then she confronts and they fight - and the children (ages 35-50) are ultimately blamed for causing problems in their marriage.

You and your parents and siblings functioned as a system or a unit.  any change in the normal functioning or the roles you typically take will throw the system off balance.  That results in the others pushing to get everyone back to their usual state or role as a change in one function changes the entire system.  When you look at it like that it helps to understand what is happening.  As you noted, your mom grew up in dysfunction and is as much a part of the present system as your father is.  This is not to point fingers but to put her choices into context.  You will get pushback from everyone, in this case you and your siblings are being blamed.  They have to look outward as looking within threatens the stability of the system.  Does that make sense?

You will also get pushback as you begin to set boundaries.  It is a normal part of the process.  It is very important that you stay consistent in setting your boundaries though otherwise it leads to actually strengthening the unwanted behavior.  I can direct you to site articles on that as well. 

Emotional fatigue, as exhausting as it is, sounds about right given everything you have discovered.  It is a lot to take in so I hope you can slow down a bit and relax.  You found a safe place where people get it.  We've got ya.