Mom with BPD-First time Posting

[Irish1477]

My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. That is my first time ever posting that. I'm at a cutoff point, I want to burn bridges and never see this woman ever again, and never let my children near her, or allow her to poison our relationship like she has done with every relationship I have ever had as I recently have found out. No family member on my mom's side of the family is who I thought they were, who SHE wanted me to think they were. They actually love & care about me. I have avoided everyone in the family because I didn't think any of them knew who she really was, and they believed all of the lies & horrible things she said about my brother & I, so we just kept away from everyone because she slyly made it obvious they were on her side. Because they knew about all of the terrible things we went through as children, and none of them stepped in to help us, none of them ever cared. When I asked her about it as an adult, she shrugged & said she didn't know why none of them stepped in to help.

THEY NEVER KNEW! They knew nothing of the abuse. They didn't know we were abandoned so much, they didn't know about any of it. She lied to us, and to them. One uncle figured out long ago who she was, but didn't think it was his place to tell me, so for my & my brother's sake he kept quiet about the things she had done to protect us. When we finally set down & went over 30 years of her lies we cried for hours over the years we have lost with one another, and all of the lies she told us about each other. Now I am having to go to individual family members to sit down with them & clear the air to find out truths, and what is real, & what is not.

My father did the same. He never told us about the horrible things she did to him, the lies she told us because he didn't feel it was his place. I HATED this man my teenage years, and she fed into it, and fanned the flames with more lies. He finally told us everything. His driving 8 hours to pick us up for his scheduled visits with us for weekends, and we wouldn't be home. Mom never told us he was even coming, I realize now that's why we would take last minute trips out of town to visit my aunt. Then the next weekend she would pretend like he was coming to get us and then he would never show up, of course, because he wasn't supposed to! We would sit there for hours waiting for him, and then cry when he never showed up. She orchestrated the entire thing!

The worst, my mom has adopted my brother's son that he had when he was 17. His son is now 14 & is autistic. She is now divorced for the 3rd time after cheating on that husband that adopted my nephew with her. She has a felony, she says she cannot work, she will not clean the house, nor make my nephew bathe, nor wear clean clothes. My brother & I are chained to her because of my nephew. My brother has changed his life, and is happily married and has been on the right track for years & wants his son back so he can raise him in a healthy environment, but she is unwilling to give him up, even though they live only minutes from one another. She cries & says it is because she can't live without my nephew, but we know it is because she wants the control & sympathy raising an autistic child brings her. She joins different churches & gets sympathy for raising her autistic grandson, meanwhile dogging my brother & telling everyone how horrible of a father my brother is. Even though he has 2 other children with his wife that he is raising & doing a wonderful job at.

I don't really know why I am posting here. Nor pouring out all of this personal information that even my best friend does not know. But, it feels amazing to just get it out & finally know that I am not crazy, she truly is this manipulative. She is not a victim, she is not helpless, and I am not the evil one for calling her out on everything she is doing, and has done to this family. I refuse to sit aside and let it happen any longer. It will not touch my children, and my brother will heal from this, and my nephew will get out of that house & have a chance at life.

[Panda39]

Hi Irish1477,

Wow, what an eye-opening experience you are going through!

I'm so sorry your extended family and dad were cut off for so long.  But what a wonderful thing to be reunited. 

What brought about the re-connection?  Did you reach out?  Did someone else reach out to you?

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  His ex tried to Alienate their children from their dad too.  Sadly Parental Alienation is not that uncommon among BPD parents. It is extremely painful both for the child and the alienated Parent.

I know it’s likely a painful subject but if you are interest I’ve pulled a link on Parental Alienation see below (or not if it’s an uncomfortable topic)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

Has your mom been diagnosed with BPD or are you here like me because the BPD shoe fit?

There’s a lot more I wish I could say but I’m on my lunchbreak and need to get back to work.  I know other members will be along soon with more, but I did want to Welcome you to the BPD Family.

I hope you will spend some time exploring the website and check out the posts of other members, if you’re like me you will be surprised at how much we all have in common.

Also, everything in the box to the right -->is a link to more information, just click on something that resonates to see more.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Irish1477]

My mom is diagnosed, shockingly she is the one who told me about the diagnosis. It was during a time when I called her out on her behavior & was threatening to completely cut ties, and I realize now she was doing what she could to keep us from pulling away. The promise of therapy was short-lived, and we once again fed into her role as the victim, her being the victim of her mental illness.

This all came about because for the first time she turned her behavior onto my 13 year old son. He became a target, something she had never done before, and I panicked and turned to my uncle out of desperation of what to do. I did it knowing he probably wouldn't believe me, but I needed advice. He opened up to me, and so much truth came out. My mom has a felony for stealing from her company that I knew about because she was arrested and could not hide this fact, but what she didn't tell us was in the process of stealing from her company, she stole my uncle's identity, thinking he would never find out. This was through a payday loan company, and around the same time, my identity, too, had been stolen & multiple loans had been taken out in my name. I never would have believed my mom was capable of doing this to her brother, but there is proof. I have no proof she is the person who fraudulently took out the loans in my name, so I do not bring it up to her, as she will lie & deny the events we have undeniable proof of. It baffles me how she will deny proof, and try to say others are lying & attempt to make herself out to be the victim in every situation.

My mother plays the victim well, and it garners her much sympathy. Few would believe she is as calculating as she is, and as mean spirited as we know she can be. She very seldom loses her anger, she is more liable to cry and appear afraid so everyone feels sorry for her. Then, she works behind the scenes to assassinate your character, and plant seeds & flat out lies so others think poorly of you. I recently learned that she hinted to my uncle that I at one point might have had an affair with my old boss. My husband and I have been happily married for 17 years, and she met my former boss one time in the few years I worked for him. I have no idea where she got that, nor why she would ever tell anyone we might be having an affair other than to smear my name?

[Panda39]

Hi Irish1477,

It always amazes me how much we have in common around here.  My SO's ex also has a felony conviction for fraud.  She was evicted several times, couch surfed for awhile and finally ended up in a hotel.  She wrote a very large very bad check to the hotel In her family her father (might have his own issues) used her brother's social security number and name for some of his "business deals".

Your story is full of stories of your mother telling lies, same with my SO's ex.  I actually discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying". 

I feel your pain the lying is awful.  I see it with my SO's daughters, it's horrible that you can't trust your own mom.  What makes it even more difficult are the times that she does come through, that lack of consistency that keeps you forever distrustful and at the same time hopeful. 

It sounds like you have some contact with your mom because of your nephew, how often are you seeing her?  How do those visits go?  How is your nephew doing in her care? Since the interaction with your son, have you modified how often he sees her?  What does your husband think of all of this? ... .okay that's a lot of questions    I'm just trying to get a sense of where you all are now.

There is a book that you might want to check out sometime... .
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

BPD manifests in different ways. Christine Lawson, in her book Understanding the Borderline Mother, identifies four BPD mother archetypes -waif, hermit, queen, and witch. This workshop discusses the four types and some strategies for coping with them. Learn more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

My SO's ex seems to be a Queen/Waif Combo... .likes to control but when she can't she goes into victim mode.

I'd be interested to hear where you think your mom falls among the various categories.

I'm really glad you feel comfortable talking about all of this here, you truly have found a place where we all "get it".  This is a great place for support, information, tools, and even just a place to vent.

Panda39

[Turkish]

Is her lack of care for your nephew enough to call CPS? I'm not advocating that up front as I realize it's throwing a bomb.  What level of ASD is he? ASD1 is what they used to call Asperger's, which my son is.  Whatever level,  I can well imagine that it is worse of she is his "parent."

[Irish1477]

To answer a few questions: My mom lives 8 hours from me due to a hurricane here that destroyed her home. She now lives near my brother so he can see his son more often, and the cost of living is more affordable. My children have not seen her in a year, but even when she lived her, they only saw her once every few months, she did not make time to come to their games while living 5 miles away, but still played the role of loving 'Nana' to everyone else. It was easier for me for her not to be there, so I never said anything.

My husband & I were high school sweethearts, so he saw first hand my mom abandoning us when she suddenly moved out of state to be a man she met on the internet, and left my brother & I with our 1st step-dad. My step-dad was an abusive alcoholic, who as you can imagine, when off the rails when she left him for another man. I had to send my brother to live with our father because my step-dad targeted him, but I stayed behind to graduate since it was my senior year, and I did not want to leave my husband/boyfriend at the time. It was the first time my brother & I were ever separated. My single biggest regret of my life. It was over 20 years ago, and I still cannot forgive myself. No matter what we went through, we always did it together, and I abandoned him for my own needs. I know that screams parentification. I know it shouldn't have been my responsibility. But, he was, and I will always regret it.

Is her lack of care for your nephew enough to call CPS? I'm not advocating that up front as I realize it's throwing a bomb.  What level of ASD is he? ASD1 is what they used to call Asperger's, which my son is.  Whatever level,  I can well imagine that it is worse of she is his "parent."

My nephew is ASD1, very high functioning, so many of his struggles exist because she uses his autism as an excuse for everything. She will not follow through on discipline at all, and then blames all of his behavior on autism. She lies to him to get him to do anything, he refuses to eat her cooking so she lies & says his dad cooked it & mailed it to him. He cannot tie his shoes, bathe himself, nor wash his own clothes or pick up after himself. He is 14. But, when he comes to our house, we are able to engage him in these activities & he is more than capable of accomplishing them, she chooses not to teach him how to do them. I do not know if it is pure laziness, or having him dependant upon her that is the reason behind it. He has learned that he can cry & she will immediately remove him from all situations & blame the adult, so he has begun to manipulate situations himself.

I am making the drive at Thanksgiving to visit my brother (my mom lives in same town), and if her house is in the same condition it was here (disgusting w/food & roaches everywhere), I will be contacting CPS. My mom legally adopted my nephew when he was a toddler, but we have begun talks with her to transfer guardianship to my brother. She is living on foodstamps, refusing to work, and cannot take care of herself, muchless my nephew any longer.

I used to work in the foster care system, I hesitate to make the call, because I know what that can open up. But, honestly, now that she has decided my children are fair game, I worry what retaliation she will take against me. She has always done things behind my back. I am very outspoken, and have called her on her actions to her face, so she quickly alienated me from the family & does everything behind my back, but if her back is against the wall, I fear her targeting my children.

I am at a point where my children (ages 16 & 13) are unfortunately learning who she is, and I will have to warn them about possible retaliation. She has single handedly damaged every relationship I had with my family, and I worry she will try to go after them next. I plan to block her number on their phones, and only allow my nephew to call my son when he is at my brother's house, as my brother will monitor my nephew. If anyone has any advice on additional boundaries, I greatly welcome them. I never thought she would bring my children into this. But, I want to protect my nephew, too, and not make him feel like he is being punished. He, too, is just caught up in this, but in trying to protect my nephew & do what's best for him, I have allowed my son to be exposed to his verbal abuse & their drama. I don't know how to draw a line that protects my son the most, and does what's best for my nephew, too.

Thankfully, my brother & I are allies in this. He has definitely had it the hardest dealing with her, and cannot set boundaries. I have ordered a couple of books that I am going to read, and then leave with him to read when I am there at Thanksgiving. His wife is amazing, and has been great through this process.


 

[Turkish]

I know it's the 3rd Rail to blame parents for autism, but they can certainly make things worse.  My ex's friend has an autistic son and she excuses a lot and lets him get away with a lot.  She also has mental health issues.  My son gets discipline and boundaries when appropriate and also grace when appropriate (like when he gets triggered). My ex has issues and even up to this year wants me to help wipe his backside (he can get obsessive about it and in the bathroom for like half an hour sometimes). She does this with non ASD daughter as well and then D5 threw a tantrum when I didn't help her (after peeing!)... .because mommy still does. 

It's sad that you have to protect your kids from grandma but you are of course doing the right thing. 

[Irish1477]

I know it's the 3rd Rail to blame parents for autism, but they can certainly make things worse.  My ex's friend has an autistic son and she excuses a lot and lets him get away with a lot.  She also has mental health issues.  My son gets discipline and boundaries when appropriate and also grace when appropriate (like when he gets triggered). My ex has issues and even up to this year wants me to help wipe his backside (he can get obsessive about it and in the bathroom for like half an hour sometimes). She does this with non ASD daughter as well and then D5 threw a tantrum when I didn't help her (after peeing!)... .because mommy still does. 

It's sad that you have to protect your kids from grandma but you are of course doing the right thing. 

Absolutely, my nephew cannot de-escalate himself sometimes, and we have always followed the rule with my son to remove himself from the situation when my nephew is overwhelmed & to not take his words personal. But, my mom does not make him accountable for the things he says, and he never has had to apologize his harsh words, nor his mistreatment of anyone. She is doing him a huge disservice, and is the worst person to be raising him. He is such a sweet kid, and I hate putting up any walls that potentially leave him on the other side, but for the moment I do not know how to protect my son from my mother w/o excluding my nephew while he is in my mother's care. How do I keep from being a villian in his life?

[WknOnIt]

Irish1477,

Welcome! I just recently found this board as well. My mom and I have been low contact/no contact for 4 years now. My mom hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD but we tried counseling and two counselors have agreed that she definitely has the traits. I can relate to how you are feeling right now. The lies, deception, anger, rage, making me out to be the "bad guy", alienating my daughter and family.

It is emotionally draining to deal with some of the things we have to deal with. As someone else said in an earlier reply, it is amazing how similar all our stories are. I always thought I was the only one. Now sometimes I swear people are telling my story! Where I am not happy that others have to go through similar pain, I find it comforting to talk to people that understand. As you said, everyone else thinks my mom is amazing and what's up with us not talking. People who have not lived with BPD don't understand.

Have you thought about doing some counseling? I have found that it's helped me to navigate through some of the tough days a little better. I'm working on myself instead of thinking she will change. I finally realized that's not happening!

I hope you find some relief and comfort sharing here. There is a ton of great support and there is a lot of information that I am finding very helpful and enlightening.

WknOnIt