Husband has major BPD

[MBM]

Long story short, I can’t trust him. But I have found out he has BPD. In the past he cheated, he begged for forgiveness for something he says didn’t do. I knew he was asking for forgiveness for what he actually did do (cheating) so I didn’t care if he admitted or not. It was okay because he asked for forgiveness anyway. This was before I knew he had BPD. We are a year after and he has improved as a husband by coming home on time and caring for my feelings when I’m upset over small things (he used to not even care about that)

Well recently, he got caught lying again. Out til 7am with the friends he promised to stay away from. I have confronted him, and now is ignoring me and have created lies to his family that I have cheated on him and that I threatened him to take him to court for our child. These are all lies, however I’m trying to make sense as to where he came up with these stories. The only assumption is to make me look bad because I confronted him being out til 7am with the guys I do not like? He brought up divorce and accused me of bringing it up, he also said he’s “happy to give me one” (I never asked for one, didn’t even say the word divorce once to him) He hasn’t talked to me in a week, won’t look at me in the eye, and sleeps on the couch. I told him if he wants one, he can file papers... but I would not like a divorce. Almost feel like that’s a scare tactic... but I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling lost, hurt, betrayed he created lies... (haven’t even told him I know about that) I love him so much, I just need help.

If he really wanted to leave, he could... .but he’s here, ignoring me & being brutal. Advice? If more info is needed... just ask.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WileyCoyote]

 
Welcome MBM!
  You are in the right place talk with people with similar experiences.  Have been able to find some time to read any of the lessons and basic tools?  You can find them on the right hand side as well as in the upper drop down menu.

I want you to know you are not alone, or the only person dealing with things like this.  I can identify with the frustration of a SO trying to force their own thoughts on you as if they are your own.  The classic You are thinking X!  No I'm not.  Yes you are. exchange.   It can really put you off balance.  I could get confused for a moment when my wife would say "Well just divorce me like you want to!  I know you want to!"   When the word divorce or breakup has never left my lips in our 10 years together (maybe it should have ).   If I tried to work through or talk about something difficult (real life stuff... .finances... school choices for the kid... her quitting her job without warning... .etc... )... .it meant I wanted a divorce.   Ugh.

I would urge you to be cautious here, as pwBPD can really project their things onto you.   He cheated... .and he probably has thought about divorce and taking your kid from you, to punish you for making him cheat (nonsense).  Now keep in mind I am just guessing here.  He is prepping other people for what he imagines you will tell them when the "inevitable in his mind" divorce happens.  Try not to engage or even defend yourself to those people.  It won't go well.  You are better off letting your actions speak for themselves.


And remember:  What can you do to support him?  Take care of yourself and show him how a healthy person faces the world.  Let him work through his stuff, or not.  His choice.  

You said recently you found out he had BPD?  How did that happen?

If he is diagnosed, is he in any sort of treatment or therapy right now? Or has he ever been?

Most importantly... what about you?  What are you doing to take care of yourself?