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[AB814]

Hello,

I've tried to get past the psychological injuries and abuses by my mother for years. She was and abusive narcissistic with BPD and over time became highly sociopathic.  As you all know the Dr. Jekyll / Mr Hyde rollercoaster ride inflicts it's own brand of pain and fear in the heart of a child.  I was married for 4 years to a pro baseball player who became abusive on the honeymoon and displayed many of the same behavior as my mother.  Fast forward 20 years of being happily single but lonely I dated a man who was even worse than my mother. 

I spoke to a few therapists and the same conversation ensues... ."You can't fix them!"  Walk away... .Gray rock etc... .  But the problem with that approach is that I never heal... .I wanted to understand how to grow through and past this pain in a way that allows me to redefine healthy love in my head and heart so that I would be able to really love a healthy stable person.  The more I read about how the roller coaster impacts the brain's chemical balance in child victims and victims of all ages really helped me understand the need to try to earn their love back that they shower you with from time to time following the discard phases.  And the unpredictability of the mood swings and identity issues etc... .It's just a big mess in my head and my heart.

I understand that stepping away and having boundaries gives the victim clarity and control so they can heal.  But how can I grow past this... .I know it will be a lifelong process but I think my "toolkit" needs an upgrade in this area.  I'm exhausted from the feelings of worthlessness... .overvalue - undervalue... .being there for people who simply don't love me but are using me... .just using me.

People have told me again and again how beautiful I am inside and out.  I've been blessed with success and a grateful forgiving heart.  I want to know how to evolve in a way that will equip me with the desire and ability to have a healthy loving relationship. 

I would appreciate feedback, suggestions, thoughts and input!  I'm ready, willing and able to do the work... .so please help!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome AB814!   

Thank you so much for posting and for joining our online family! How much I can relate to your story with your uBPDm. Mind was similar, the NPD and BPD combo which does a child in so thoroughly. I often share what my T told me, if it was learned behavior it can be unlearned. That has given me hope and maybe for you as well.

I married someone like my mom and didn't know it because it seemed so 'normal' to me. This is something commonly seen amongst the adult survivors of a BPD parent. You are not alone in your struggles.

A book that has helped me a lot to begin to unravel the effects of being parented by a BPD is Surviving a Borderline Parent . Have you read it yet? Also let me encourage you to check out the list to the right hand side of our board------>> >> Anything you click on opens up with more information.

So glad you are here.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you found us as we all support each other while working towards healing. 

As Wools said, if we learned to behave in certain ways (or are drawn to certain behaviors and characteristics) we can unlearn those things.  It takes not just work on a cognitive level but a lot of really hard emotional work as well.  Being willing to feel uncomfortable and even bad and going through some tough stuff emotionally is hard but ultimately worth it and it gets easier over time.  Knowing stuff in your head, like understanding the behaviors and how they affect you is important but that does not heal us emotionally and we can find ourselves making the same mistakes in other areas of our life.

One of the hardest things was learning that I have value, just by being me I am valuable.  I do not need to do things or make myself small so that others can feel better about themselves and I sure as hell do not need to rescue anyone (nor should I).  Those are just a few of the things that I had to learn and am still working on to be honest.  It took looking at my past and seeing how it affects me today to make any significant changes in me and my choices.

The book Wools suggested is excellent as is the Survivors Guide over on the right hand side of the page.

I hope to hear more form you soon.  Feel free to jump into other posts, ask questions etc.

[AB814]

WOW!  Thank you all for your responses to my questions.  What a brilliant group of thought leaders and survivors.  I'm in awe!

Learned behavior!  Yes indeed!  I likened it to living in a war zone so the learned behaviors included helplessness, becoming the parent, endless conversations trying to get her to admit ... .any of her abuse. 

But allow me for a moment to share this... .During one of her 2 hours attacks it went like this:  She would say something horrible and accusatory followed by "and if you don't stop I will never talk to you again!"   I said "how can you say that?"    She said, "say what?"  I repeated it.  Then she said "I didn't say that!  You misunderstood, you're so sensitive" and these were the nice moments. 

When I think about doing that to someone I love I get sick to my stomach.  It is the most abandoning, cruel, evil thing I can imagine. It's like hitting someone in the stomach then completely denying doing it and watching that person feel not only the pain of the punch but the crippling emotional pain of that person who claims to love you not care one bit about your pain that they caused... .denying responsibility and blaming you eventually because you are "too sensitive"   The denial of the infliction of the pain and NEVER owning it is where I think my emotions are stuck. 

How in the world do you heal  from that?  She caused the pain, denied it, blamed me for it and never made reparations for it.  She did this a thousand ways interlaced with the rage filled tantrums for no reason, blaming fits, silent treatments, constant attacks.  She made Joan Crawford look like Glenda the Good Witch!

Full disclosure my mom was sexually abused by her stepfather between the ages of 11 - 16 and her mother was as narcissistic as they come. I'm not excusing it but my mom was filled with unresolved rage that she took out on us... .that was clear. 

How could she intentionally wage war on and ruin the lives of her own children on a daily basis?  That is not love!  That's what I had to accept.  She could not love me and she had to try to destroy me daily because it was done to her and she had no tools to heal. 

I have read the book walking on eggshells and will now read the survivors guide too.  What I knew of love was abuse.  So I have to redefine it in my head and heart the way God intended it to be... .kind, not jealous, patient etc.

Thank you all again for taking the time to share your thoughts... .Now That Is LOVE!

[Star0009]

Awww you seem so sweet! Your story sounds like my BPD mom and how I've let toxic people into my life, even friends and they ripped my heart out. I know the anger too that comes with a BPD Mom. I'm happy to say I'm finally past lots of the anger with her. I treat her with love but keep low contact. I'm really looking on the abuse now and her behavior not to get mad at her anymore but how can I now build a life that I want from what happened and better myself. I have had lots of anger still related to the other toxic people I have let in my life. What I ave recently learned though is this. I am always drawn to outsiders and those that live on the edge or often want to help those in distress. That is fine but I will no longer do mean or manipulative people in my life. I can't say I'm clean of them but I know the ones in it and I don't get too close and some I'm considering going no contact. Ten years ago after going to my therapist after a lifetime of abuse all I did was cry for the entire hour of the first session. I couldn't get a word out. She quickly suggested my Mom has BPD which se does. My father is a whole other story of abuse but I remember her saying to only let healthy people into my life. This made no sense to me at the time. I thought healthy people are privileged and don't need me. Now I get it. Really I learned mindfulness from her and ten years later I have learned my lesson and grown. I know not to move on from people if we don't connect and to watch each person's actions and how they treat me and see from there where the friendship goes. Its funny I have always wanted a strong group of women friends in my life even more than a guy maybe because I had no motherly support so that is what I'm trying to build more than anything. I know the anger can be so hard and painful but I think you have to realize you get your own body and mind and life now you get to control. At the end of the day we only have ourselves but we can chose to let the right people in.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again AB814,

When I think about doing that to someone I love I get sick to my stomach.  It is the most abandoning, cruel, evil thing I can imagine. It's like hitting someone in the stomach then completely denying doing it and watching that person feel not only the pain of the punch but the crippling emotional pain of that person who claims to love you not care one bit about your pain that they caused... .denying responsibility and blaming you eventually because you are "too sensitive"   The denial of the infliction of the pain and NEVER owning it is where I think my emotions are stuck.

You seem to be in a place of seeing much of what encompassed your childhood, the reality, and
as you said, it can almost make you sick to your stomach. I've had those moments too, especially in the early part of my T and discovery.

Here's a quote from #1. in our Survivors Guide on the right:

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you. This is where you may be now. In a breakthrough crisis, your psyche realigns itself in order to bring the past into harmony with the present. Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

I spoke to a few therapists and the same conversation ensues... ."You can't fix them!"  Walk away... .Gray rock etc... .  But the problem with that is that approach is that I never heal.

I agree that it I also couldn't just let it go and walk away. I had to heal, deeply, and I see within you the desire to heal as well!

 
Wools

[Turkish]

You don't know what you don't know... .until you do and then it might seem like the only world toy know comes crashing down.  I'm glad that you found our family here AB814 

Regarding the conversation you shared,  it sounds hurtful. Yet she might have been sincere from her point of view.  Those kinds of behaviors would drive anyone crazy with frustration and hurt. 

You alluded to Mommie Dearest. How was your mom like Joan Crawford or worse? Did she physically abuse you as well?

[AB814]

Turkish ... .you asked if she was physically abusive. Here are a few of her greatest hits.  I would appreciate any feedback you care to share and any tools for healing... .

One afternoon she was arguing with her mother and ironing.  She started raging and she ripped the cord from the socket and threw the iron at a window just missing my grandmother's head. (what was she aiming for?)  It shattered the window but the blinds were in front of it so that helped contain the damage.

She threw knives and had a knife phobia. She often said she was terrified of what she would do to us with the knives in the kitchen yet during her rages she would throw them at whomever was in her way.

She would push us, twist our arms, jump on top of us trying to beat us up and throw things at us.

She used to tell me that she was afraid that when she was sleeping her brains would fall out of her head through her ear.

She said that she would often think while she was driving about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel into oncoming traffic. And she said that to me when I was in the car with her driving somewhere.

My eldest half sister recently told me that my mom threatened her with a knife, actually held it up to her and told her she would kill her if she told my dad about her asking my sister to get her diet pills.

Humiliate, Devalue and Discard was her constant ritual. Very rarely would she say she loved us (in fact I can't remember her ever saying it to me) nor would she apologize for her abuse (how could she when blaming others was her standard operating procedure).

I had a lock on my bedroom door so I could control her barging into my room in the middle of the night or whenever she liked... .but to no avail.  She would yell and scream and knock incessantly (Hours sometimes) until I opened it.

Her weapon of choice was her mouth however.  She would always cause wars in the home which seemed to make her happy.  She was jealous and undermining with me. She was very beautiful - Sophia Loren type yet always played innocent with stories about how the only person who told her she was beautiful was one of her elementary school teachers and how much it meant to her. People told her she was beautiful all the time and I was there to see it... .but she stuck to her strange story.

I tested with a 165 IQ so I always got straight A's. That coupled with my growing more beautiful over the years triggered almost constant jealousy filled rage fueled tantrums.  She often tried to humiliate me on purpose in front of people by telling vicious untrue stories that characterized me in a horrid light.  She would constantly interrupt my studying at home and start picking on some imaginary thing I didn't do and escalate for hours until she got her bullying narcissistic supply needs met even into the small hours of the morning just to sabotage.  I know now that my success and looks were just a threat to her fragile ego. She attacked and belittled me in the attempt to make herself feel better instead of improving her own self image in a real way (school, job etc... ) 

Both my parents smoked and it always triggered allergic responses so  I was always sick from it. We found out that I was seriously allergic to cigarette smoke when I was around 6-7.  My dad quit immediately for my sake but mom kept smoking.  I left at 18 to go to college (i had two jobs and attended school full time, paid my own tuition and rent) and she was still smoking.

She made our home so toxic, unstable and rage filled that when I was 5 or 6 I packed my little suitcase and told her I was leaving home. She laughed at me then asked me to make sure I have everything in my bag before I left because once i left she said she would never talk to me again and that I could never come home again. 

This is the real ugly issue... .I was raped twice within a period of 3 months when I was 16 years old.  The first time was by my boyfriend's brother who was a police officer.  The second was at the mall when a man followed me to my car and after I got in he opened the door and put a knife to my throat and told me to move over.  Gruesome details aside my boyfriend's brother got me pregnant.   When I finally told them I was raped my father asked me what I was wearing then he said "women who get raped are damaged goods".  My mother said that they just wanted to have sex with me (hard to phathom) Anyway I kept the pregnancy secret because I knew my mother would make me abort it.  Complex emotions everywhere at that time but regardless of how it happened I could not reconcile murdering my child.  So I finally told them when I was 7 months pregnant.  My mother took me to the doctor to get an abortion immediately as I knew she would.  She told me that she had the right to do whatever she wanted with my baby because I was under 18 and she wanted me to abort it.  Well I drew the line there and thank God the doctor said it was too late for the abortion.  I thought I would tell my boyfriend what happened and that he would help me confront his brother and then we could figure out what to do. But my mom found an adoption attorney and forced me to adopt my daughter and give her away.  And all through that time she was nothing but angry at me.  I WAS THE VICTIM trying to do the right thing by not aborting her.  But she tortured me with daily devaluation sessions.   Years later I asked her why she gave her up for adoption... .and my mom said "You had to pay for what you did"  Yes indeed that really happened.

When I turned 32 I had a complete breakdown and decided that I was going to need to evict my mother from my head, stop letting the hornets nest of fear, devaluation and abuse that she created live in my body, heart and soul. And I did. Over the years I was able to own my own head again and create a life that I was proud of on my terms.

My takeaway is this... .I had to stay on my toes and try to manage her abuse and still live my life, make progress.  My mom never graduated college but I have my BA in Economics and an MBA.  By focusing and rejecting her crazy making time suck I was able to go forward.

YET... .I still don't have a healthy relationship or a man/best friend to walk through life with. I cherish my kind, forgiving nature and I believe it's good.  Yet when faced with another man like my mother I crumble and all of the old tactics and defenses come screaming back into the relationship.  I just want out of the old patterns, behaviors and toxic people.

Is it possible to let go of all of the pain?  I am aware that nature abhors a vacuum so the pain has to be replaced with love. The depression I've suffered from the affects of my unsafe and abusive mother scares me.  My head and heart are exhausted and feel like they each weigh a ton!  She will never own the abuse.  My attempts to forgive her feel hollow.  I am able to give love freely and I am willing to receive it freely.  But I can't stop feeling like a refugee who has to wear a mask just to live day to day.

Anyway... .if you read this whole thing THANK YOU!  I'm all ears my friends and so tired of feeling awful!  I'm listening.

[Turkish]

I see why you described this as beyond Mommy Dearest. That's a horrible amount of physical and psychological abuse that you experienced. 

You should be proud of yourself for detaching and extricating yourself from such a toxic environment to accomplish what you have.    on being a Survivor.

On top of what you dealt with,  you were raped, and even worse, shamed by your mother, and additionally traumatized by she shaming you afterwards.  As a father, out turns my stomach to  even think about doing something like that to my daughter.  Even if I were not a father, that was horrible. 

Is it possible to let go of all of the pain?  I am aware that nature abhors a vacuum so the pain has to be replaced with love.

What love are you thinking of here,  towards whom?

[AB814]

Thank you Turkish for your compassion!  I believe we are designed by God to love Him as it states boldly in the new and old testaments.  With that understanding about human nature as the foundation for my opinion, I know love is all that matters. Fear is just the absence of faith and the antithesis of love.  In Greek there are several words for types of love which unfortunately were never quite incorporated into the English language. Eros, Storge, Philia and Agape which circle around romantic, kinship, brotherly and Godly love.

The highest of them is Agape love which is love between people who actively and purposefully place God in the center of their relationship. That is the love I'm referring to when I talk about replacing the fear with love.  Thoughts?