Finally believe relationship is over - recovery is hard

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been on and off in a relationship with my ex girlfriend who “has” BPD. I am 90% certain she does, and when we first started our relationship she told me her therapist diagnosed her but she stopped going.

Throughout our relationship she showed many signs of it. I was verbally, mentally, and physically abused. She had slapped me twice, and when it was spoken about she seemed to forget one of the events. She cheated on me with her ex girlfriend who she claims has bi polar disorder and has been and out of a mental institution. But to the day I’m not sure if it was all a lie. At the beginning of our relationship she seemed to still be heartbroken from her ex. Still had pictures of her up on social but then archived them when we made things official (after 6 months of not being official) and then she left me multiple times and they unfollowed and re followed eachother on social. Multiple times she’d come back to me either with a sob story or very harsh and cold. She made weird comments about how her and her ex stalked other exes while they were together. Spoke about how her ex said she would want to have sex with me. And she made a joke about a three sum. I continuously let her keep coming back because she needed help and would said how sick she is.

Recently it became very bad, where she had hives and became ill from anxiety and a manic break. This was after i found out she ran to her ex and I ended things. But i went to be there for her because of her safety. She said she’d get help, and never did. I was patient with her and told her she could go at her own pace. But I needed an apology for what she continued to do to me which was cheat. And an explanation but I realize now I would have never gotten one. What’s weird too is her best friend cut her off completely and she never explained to me why?

Recently she had withholding sex and devaluing me - I didn’t react well. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now and working on my reactions. But this relationship has exhausted me. I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop texting and calling her asking for help. She was rude and mean and pushed me. She then used it as an excuse to say that she didn’t feel like this was right and that she wants me and us but she needs more and it’s just not enough. I then had even more panic and sent her text confessing my love and how I felt. I also made a comment about how my roommate said addicts and mentally ill people don’t gangs. When I wrote this I meant that she said that about her father- so that’s why I pushed away from my roommate and our relationship because I didn’t agree. I told my ex this trying to explain myself when she said that comment upset her. I then told her I misinterpreted what my roommate said - and that neither of us believe that. My ex basically just said that she won’t forget it and it hurt her. She said she doesn’t think my roommate or i are terrible people but basically said that no matter what I say she’s going to view herself of not being able to change. I now feel all of this guilt for saying that.

She then stopped talking to me for a week, then sent me a text saying she needed time to think k and sent me a photo from a book in regards to BPD and fear of engulfment. The conversation ended badly - with her basically saying she’s done. I asked for my things (which I already had did a week prior) she’s insisting we do it in person but doesn’t know when she’ll have time and told me she’d reach out when she found out her schedule. She also said she was going to delete my family and friends off of social - but she only deleted me? She also still has my photos on her page. She called me crazy for wanting my things so soon.

I then gave in after the conversation and looked at her twitter likes... she favorited a tweet about how people who  “love  too hard” are unstable and unhealthy co dependents. That really hurt hard, I felt like it was a jab at my panic attack - which lasted 3 days. And how I confessed my love to her. Maybe I was unhealthy and unstable - because of what I’ve endured over the past year. But atleast I am getting help and working on it.

I feel like this relationship is over and she wants to be 100% done - which leaves me in fear that she’ll run a smear campaign. On the other hand I’m also afraid that she’s not deleting my family and friends, photos, and is keeping my things so she does have the upper hand to come back.

I am not sure what to do. I love her and I want her to be and get better and get the help she needs but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m mentally not okay, I lost 20 pounds in a few months for no reason, and I barely sleep. I’m terrified that she’s stalking me. I’m terrified that she’s not. I’m not sure what to feel or think. I keep archiving photos of her on my social media and then I unacrhive them because I’m afraid she’ll say something or smear if I do.

I’m rambling and afraid. This is my first post and doesn’t even cover much of what I’ve gone through. I just would really like some guidance and help.

[ktkb23]

I have been on and off in a relationship with my ex girlfriend who “has” BPD. I am 90% certain she does, and when we first started our relationship she told me her therapist diagnosed her but she stopped going.

Throughout our relationship she showed many signs of it. I was verbally, mentally, and physically abused. She had slapped me twice, and when it was spoken about she seemed to forget one of the events. She cheated on me with her ex girlfriend who she claims has bi polar disorder and has been and out of a mental institution. But to the day I’m not sure if it was all a lie. At the beginning of our relationship she seemed to still be heartbroken from her ex. Still had pictures of her up on social but then archived them when we made things official (after 6 months of not being official) and then she left me multiple times and they unfollowed and re followed eachother on social. Multiple times she’d come back to me either with a sob story or very harsh and cold. She made weird comments about how her and her ex stalked other exes while they were together. Spoke about how her ex said she would want to have sex with me. And she made a joke about a three sum. I continuously let her keep coming back because she needed help and would said how sick she is.

Recently it became very bad, where she had hives and became ill from anxiety and a manic break. This was after i found out she ran to her ex and I ended things. But i went to be there for her because of her safety. She said she’d get help, and never did. I was patient with her and told her she could go at her own pace. But I needed an apology for what she continued to do to me which was cheat. And an explanation but I realize now I would have never gotten one. What’s weird too is her best friend cut her off completely and she never explained to me why?

Recently she had withholding sex and devaluing me - I didn’t react well. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now and working on my reactions. But this relationship has exhausted me. I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop texting and calling her asking for help. She was rude and mean and pushed me. She then used it as an excuse to say that she didn’t feel like this was right and that she wants me and us but she needs more and it’s just not enough. I then had even more panic and sent her text confessing my love and how I felt. I also made a comment about how my roommate said addicts and mentally ill people don’t gangs. When I wrote this I meant that she said that about her father- so that’s why I pushed away from my roommate and our relationship because I didn’t agree. I told my ex this trying to explain myself when she said that comment upset her. I then told her I misinterpreted what my roommate said - and that neither of us believe that. My ex basically just said that she won’t forget it and it hurt her. She said she doesn’t think my roommate or i are terrible people but basically said that no matter what I say she’s going to view herself of not being able to change. I now feel all of this guilt for saying that.

She then stopped talking to me for a week, then sent me a text saying she needed time to think k and sent me a photo from a book in regards to BPD and fear of engulfment. The conversation ended badly - with her basically saying she’s done. I asked for my things (which I already had did a week prior) she’s insisting we do it in person but doesn’t know when she’ll have time and told me she’d reach out when she found out her schedule. She also said she was going to delete my family and friends off of social - but she only deleted me? She also still has my photos on her page. She called me crazy for wanting my things so soon.

I then gave in after the conversation and looked at her twitter likes... she favorited a tweet about how people who  “love  too hard” are unstable and unhealthy co dependents. That really hurt hard, I felt like it was a jab at my panic attack - which lasted 3 days. And how I confessed my love to her. Maybe I was unhealthy and unstable - because of what I’ve endured over the past year. But atleast I am getting help and working on it.

I feel like this relationship is over and she wants to be 100% done - which leaves me in fear that she’ll run a smear campaign. On the other hand I’m also afraid that she’s not deleting my family and friends, photos, and is keeping my things so she does have the upper hand to come back.

I am not sure what to do. I love her and I want her to be and get better and get the help she needs but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m mentally not okay, I lost 20 pounds in a few months for no reason, and I barely sleep. I’m terrified that she’s stalking me. I’m terrified that she’s not. I’m not sure what to feel or think. I keep archiving photos of her on my social media and then I unacrhive them because I’m afraid she’ll say something or smear if I do.

I’m rambling and afraid. This is my first post and doesn’t even cover much of what I’ve gone through. I just would really like some guidance and help.

[once removed]

I’m rambling and afraid.

i hear you. i had a lot of fear myself. take comfort, youve found a support group that gets it and understands.

if youre anything like me, anxiety is likely at an all time high right now. this creates a fight or flight response, and that generates/anticipates threatening things done to/against us, and prepares us to respond.

i lost a lot of sleep too, my sleep schedule went completely upside down. i would encourage you, as soon as possible, to see a doctor and a therapist about it... .the first thing my doctor wanted to do was get me sleeping, in order to ultimately get my body back to baseline. navigating these turbulent waters is exponentially harder when our bodies are deprived of food and sleep, and i understand how hard it is to manage those things at the same time.

was the text she sent you the last time the two of you spoke? how long ago was this? are you wanting to rekindle the relationship?

[ktkb23]

i hear you. i had a lot of fear myself. take comfort, youve found a support group that gets it and understands.

if youre anything like me, anxiety is likely at an all time high right now. this creates a fight or flight response, and that generates/anticipates threatening things done to/against us, and prepares us to respond.

i lost a lot of sleep too, my sleep schedule went completely upside down. i would encourage you, as soon as possible, to see a doctor and a therapist about it... .the first thing my doctor wanted to do was get me sleeping, in order to ultimately get my body back to baseline. navigating these turbulent waters is exponentially harder when our bodies are deprived of food and sleep, and i understand how hard it is to manage those things at the same time.

was the text she sent you the last time the two of you spoke? how long ago was this? are you wanting to rekindle the relationship?

I’m extremely grateful to have come across this site. I haven’t admitted yet to my therapist that I barely have been eating, sleep has always been an issue for me but has gotten progressively worse through this relationship. My anxiety keeps me up and also makes it hard to go through the day.

We last spoke one the phone I called to apologize for how I love bombed her and had a panic attack. And for the comment that upset her. The last thing was said this Monday and it was basically that she will only contact me if it’s a dire emergency or to tell me when we can exchange our things. At this point no, I don’t. She isn’t getting help and has hurt me way too many times I’m losing a grasp on myself. Neither of us are healthy right now. But she was my best friend, someone I wanted to marry. It’s hard for me to let go of the guilt and worry. I want her to get the help she needs. I wanted to be by her side through it, but she made it impossible.

[Chitchat]

It’s hard for me to let go of the guilt

What guilt? 

[ktkb23]

What guilt?  

A lot of guilt for different reasons. I feel guilty that during my panic attack I begged her to stay on the phone/answer my texts because I felt unsafe. She kept saying she couldn’t be there for me and she didn’t want to be needed but I was afraid and in a state of mind I could t escape. During that attack I loved bombed her and asked her questions I know she wouldn’t answer.

I feel guilt for saying my roommate said that people with mental illness and addiction don’t change. I didn’t mean it how it was said. But I do believe without help she won’t change, and she’ll keep hurting people. But now she’s holding that against me saying it’s something she’ll never forget. But it’s not something I believe nor my roommate believes. I blamed my roommate for a lot of feelings I was having.

I feel guilty because I’m the only one that’s aware of her mental state right now. I never told her friends and family and if something happens to her I’ll feel guilty and at fault. Her friends are still contacting me and interacting w me on social media, so I’m assuming she’s told no one about our break up. I don’t think she ever really did.

Despite everything my ex did to me, I feel like I’m the one that messed this all up.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ktk-

I am sorry that you’re in so much pain right now, and suffering so much anxiety.  When we are faced with the chaos and uncertainties of these relationships, it’s often impossible to NOT engage in obsessive and anxious thinking and acting out.  But it’s important to recognize if and when you begin to behave in ways you normally do NOT behave.  That’s when you need to look yourself in the eyes, and calmly say “okay, let’s take back the steering wheel here, and just breathe... .”

You CAN do this.  You can.

I want to clarify something.  When you say that you “love-bombed” your GF, are you talking about telling her you loved her during the throes of your recent panic episode?  According to my understanding, that is NOT love-bombing as it relates to BPD behavior.   You can release your guilt.

You can also release Guilt for needing your GF during a period when YOU were having a difficult time.  A sad part of these relationships is that pwBPD are so often entirely self-focused.  They are incapable of providing empathy or significant support of any type to those around them.  The fact that you occasionally need support (and affection) does NOT make you selfish; and certainly does NOT make you “guilty”.  It makes you human.

All of us have made errors in communication with people, with pwBPD and “nons” alike.  We say things off the cuff.  We make mistakes.  We apologize, ask for forgiveness and we forgive.  That’s all a part of life and growth.  I’m quite certain you have forgiven her for worse than a verbal infraction, true?  So let yourself off the hook.

If I understand correctly, you are still in therapy.  My friend, it’s time for you to be completely honest with your therapist.  She/he needs to truly know what you’re feeling and thinking, and what you’re experiencing.  Please understand, when we are in abusive relationships, we don’t tell the truth for a reason.  It’s time for your truth to be told.  It’s time for you to take care of yourself and begin your journey toward healing.

Take some time to read around this site... .you can begin with reading about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt); and then the Five Stages of Detachment.  All of this is a process, so please be patient with yourself.

So many of us here do understand what you’re feeling.  A key thing though, is for you to REALLY KNOW that you have ZERO control over your GF’s behavior or the fact that she’s broken.  She was like this when you met... .you did NOT make her this way.  No matter what she says or how much she blames you, you have no responsibility in how she became this way.  None.  And you cannot “fix” or heal her.  It is important to note that she is trying to maintain a certain level of “control” over you by not returning your personal items.  You may want to address that issue in more detail here, or with your therapist.

Ktk-  the only person you CAN help is you.  Somewhere in your broken heart there is hope for you.  Move forward with that hope... .that you will take care of yourself, a step at a time.  That you will be a bit stronger each day.  Pull the people who love you around you - reliable friends and family.  And your therapist.  And realize that love =respect.  You deserve both.  In every way.  Please stay with us and continue posting in this very safe place.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

I’m extremely grateful to have come across this site. I haven’t admitted yet to my therapist that I barely have been eating, sleep has always been an issue for me but has gotten progressively worse through this relationship. My anxiety keeps me up and also makes it hard to go through the day.

and sometimes when we are overwhelmed, its hardest to ask for help. give yourself that kindness. you dont have to do this alone, and there are things that can help.

i might recommend some melatonin. i had sleep problems my whole life, and started taking it when my ex dumped me, and my sleep schedule had flipped upside down. it really shut my mind down, and got me ready for sleep mode.

At this point no, I don’t.

okay. then i would think for right now, you, your health, and your grief are priority #1.

so you have a lot of feelings of guilt. stage one of detaching is that we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. stage two is to then probe the feelings - its important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you to both be present with them and to stand a little aside from them. otherwise, our feelings can consume us, and we can get stuck in them.

here, and with your therapist, are good places to do that work.

how are you doing today?

[JNChell]

Hi, ktkb23. Welcome to bpdfamily. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.  The good news is that you’ve found this online community. We’re open 24/7. This place, coupled with a great psychologist, has been a great resource to my healing and sorting things out.

she told me her therapist diagnosed her

This is a rarity around here. Most of our exes are either undiagnosed or are subclinical, meaning that they presented with enough traits to be problematic. I’d have to assume that knowing your ex has been diagnosed gives you a little piece of mind on what you’ve been through.

when it was spoken about she seemed to forget one of the events.

This is another commonality that a lot of us have experienced. Depending on where our SO’s are on the spectrum, they either don’t remember their harmful actions or they are unable to face them due to their core shame. Admission is nearly impossible for them.

I needed an apology

Wanting the apology. So many of us can relate with you on this. I especially want nothing more than an apology from my ex. I can’t simply shut the door on what was because we share a young child. I have profusely apologized to her with no response to my apologies, let alone an apology from her. Again, this is a result of her core shame. She’s simply unable. You and I know how good it feels to apologize when we’ve done something that requires it. Apologizing is an attempt to resolve. My ex was incapable of resolving anything, and I mean nothing at all. Childlike minds can’t participate in resolving adult issues.

I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now and working on my reactions. But this relationship has exhausted me. I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop texting and calling her

Good on you for getting yourself into therapy. I hope that it’s helping you. Do you feel like your therapist has been helping you? Yes. These relationships are exhausting, and depending on where the non is with themselves they can be very triggering as well and cause us to behave in ways that we shouldn’t. I have texted and emailed my ex. I couldn’t stop. I wanted answers, or more specifically, closure. I’m beginning to realize that this has been my own unwillingness/denial to accept the situation for what it is. I still doubt my perception of what the dynamics truly were. I believe that this is the result of hope. I don’t want to get too deep here, just talking.

she’s going to view herself of not being able to change.

I would take this to heart. We rarely hear such truths from our exes. It may be momentary, but she has basically shown you an unwillingness to better herself. Becoming better doesn’t have an end, but it does have a start. She can’t push the start button because she sees no reason to. It’s just part of the disorder and you shouldn’t burden yourself with her decisions in life.

I asked for my things (which I already had did a week prior) she’s insisting we do it in person but doesn’t know when she’ll have time and told me she’d reach out when she found out her schedule. She also said she was going to delete my family and friends off of social - but she only deleted me? She also still has my photos on her page. She called me crazy for wanting my things so soon.

Personality disordered people have a pattern when it comes to returning/retrieving property. It’s a way to stay connected. If you want your things back in a timely manner, you’ll have to coordinate it. You’ll have to use some tools to assist you in communicating with her to get this done.

The first one is SET. Here’s a link to read.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

The next one is JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). This will help you to stay out of arguments.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

You also mentioned fearing a smear campaign. With her actions of deleting you and not your friends/family, I’d be weary of this too. If it happens, what do you think is your best course of action? Do you think that you should react to it, which is what she’ll want, or do you think that you should be mindful of JADE? Let us know what you think here.

I’ve went on long enough. I hope that I haven’t dropped too much on you at once, but that you have some things to ponder and think about moving forward. We’re sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did. This is an amazing community. Again, welcome.

[ktkb23]

I want to clarify something.  When you say that you “love-bombed” your GF, are you talking about telling her you loved her during the throes of your recent panic episode?  According to my understanding, that is NOT love-bombing as it relates to BPD behavior.   You can release your guilt.

You can also release Guilt for needing your GF during a period when YOU were having a difficult time.  A sad part of these relationships is that pwBPD are so often entirely self-focused.  They are incapable of providing empathy or significant support of any type to those around them.  The fact that you occasionally need support (and affection) does NOT make you selfish; and certainly does NOT make you “guilty”.  It makes you human.

Yes - I continuously asked her to be my girlfriend again and asked her how she felt etc. of course she didn't give me a response. I then proceeded to just tell her how much I love her and how much my friends and family do. And how they wanted to see us work but also that she needs help in order to do so. I just kept telling her how much she meant to me. And the only thing she took from the conversation was the part where I mentioned her not being able to change. I feel like shes painted me black - although during our last phone conversation she said she doesn't think i'm a bad person but that i'm the "best" person. Shes said over the past year how she doesnt deserve me. But why am I the one sitting here in pain. I know I don't know if she is or not, but last time we spoke she was harsh and cold and seemed like she was done.

[ktkb23]

So many of us here do understand what you’re feeling.  A key thing though, is for you to REALLY KNOW that you have ZERO control over your GF’s behavior or the fact that she’s broken.  She was like this when you met... .you did NOT make her this way.  No matter what she says or how much she blames you, you have no responsibility in how she became this way.  None.  And you cannot “fix” or heal her.  It is important to note that she is trying to maintain a certain level of “control” over you by not returning your personal items.  You may want to address that issue in more detail here, or with your therapist.

At this point i'm not sure if I even want them back. On the phone she basically called me crazy for wanting it back "this soon." and that she would contact me when she found the time to put aside to meet with me. I said that it would be easier just to mail eachother our things and she said that would be too much and she hates mailing things. Even though she said seeing me to exchange things is too much too and a lot of emotional energy to be taken out. So I just don't understand. I don't want to see her. I want to delete her photos off my social media and I want to mail her her ___ so its not in my place anymore. But I feel like if I do either of those things shes going to either try and reel me back in or smear campaign me. I don't think I have the capability of handling either of those things.

[ktkb23]

and sometimes when we are overwhelmed, its hardest to ask for help. give yourself that kindness. you dont have to do this alone, and there are things that can help.

i might recommend some melatonin. i had sleep problems my whole life, and started taking it when my ex dumped me, and my sleep schedule had flipped upside down. it really shut my mind down, and got me ready for sleep mode.

okay. then i would think for right now, you, your health, and your grief are priority #1.

so you have a lot of feelings of guilt. stage one of detaching is that we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. stage two is to then probe the feelings - its important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you to both be present with them and to stand a little aside from them. otherwise, our feelings can consume us, and we can get stuck in them.

here, and with your therapist, are good places to do that work.

how are you doing today?

Today, i'm okay. Last night was really hard. I almost went out into the city alone to get drinks - I work from home so I feel trapped inside all the time. And my friends were busy. I had a friend facetime me and stop me from going out and being destructive. I finally fell asleep and kept waking up in hot sweats and i've been having terrible dreams. I'm trying so hard to understand where I went wrong and what I need to fix as a person. Its hard to do that when the only validation I really want is from her. This sounds stuck up - but I know i'm a good person. I know my friends and family love me. And I know what i'm capable of. But physically and mentally I'm not here anymore and I don't know how to get back to that person. I can put on a front for so long but it exhausts me.

[once removed]

But physically and mentally I'm not here anymore and I don't know how to get back to that person.

grief really takes everything from a person, hollows us out. it may not feel good, but its "okay" to be in that place. give yourself permission, if need be.

one of the best pieces of advice that i got in terms of getting that back was to not only get back into my old hobbies and things that i was good at, but to jump into new ones... .rebuilds confidence.

thats going to be like climbing a mountain with a lack of sleep, food, and with anxiety; it was for me. make those your first priority. it makes even the worst grief far, far more manageable.

[ktkb23]

Good on you for getting yourself into therapy. I hope that it’s helping you. Do you feel like your therapist has been helping you? Yes. These relationships are exhausting, and depending on where the non is with themselves they can be very triggering as well and cause us to behave in ways that we shouldn’t. I have texted and emailed my ex. I couldn’t stop. I wanted answers, or more specifically, closure. I’m beginning to realize that this has been my own unwillingness/denial to accept the situation for what it is. I still doubt my perception of what the dynamics truly were. I believe that this is the result of hope. I don’t want to get too deep here, just talking.

she’s going to view herself of not being able to change.

I would take this to heart. We rarely hear such truths from our exes. It may be momentary, but she has basically shown you an unwillingness to better herself. Becoming better doesn’t have an end, but it does have a start. She can’t push the start button because she sees no reason to. It’s just part of the disorder and you shouldn’t burden yourself with her decisions in life.

I asked for my things (which I already had did a week prior) she’s insisting we do it in person but doesn’t know when she’ll have time and told me she’d reach out when she found out her schedule. She also said she was going to delete my family and friends off of social - but she only deleted me? She also still has my photos on her page. She called me crazy for wanting my things so soon.

Personality disordered people have a pattern when it comes to returning/retrieving property. It’s a way to stay connected. If you want your things back in a timely manner, you’ll have to coordinate it. You’ll have to use some tools to assist you in communicating with her to get this done.

The first one is SET. Here’s a link to read.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

The next one is JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). This will help you to stay out of arguments.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

You also mentioned fearing a smear campaign. With her actions of deleting you and not your friends/family, I’d be weary of this too. If it happens, what do you think is your best course of action? Do you think that you should react to it, which is what she’ll want, or do you think that you should be mindful of JADE? Let us know what you think here.

I’ve went on long enough. I hope that I haven’t dropped too much on you at once, but that you have some things to ponder and think about moving forward. We’re sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did. This is an amazing community. Again, welcome.

Therapy has been helping. My therapist has previous relationships with BPD - so it's nice to know he understands. But I also feel like it might be too close to home for him. I have been in CBT therapy, I feel its helping but I also feel like I need more help - which is why I came here. My therapist told me to steer away from researching on my own, but I feel like I need to. I'm not sure if its healthy for me or not. I also have a family history of severe anxiety and maybe some other disorders that were never diagnosed. I'm weary that my mother might be Bi-Polar. I also have a past sexual trauma that I have yet to get through. So therapy has been about my ex, my mom, as well as myself. Which is overwhelming to deal with all at once.

It breaks my heart to think she doesn't want to get better. Especially after her last really bad breakdown a few months ago, she reached out to a therapist but it was too expensive so that scared her I think. I'm not sure if I should even get my things back at this point. I just feel really hurt and seeing her might make it worse for me.

I'm not sure how to handle/what to do if she starts to smear campaign me. I think I should be mindful - and ignore it. I think she might also understand that it will be really hard to smear campaign me. Again not trying to sound pompous but I have a reputation of being outgoing and open about myself and my life. So to make me out to be a bad person would be incredibly hard. The only way I see her doing that is to her friends - which I don't think she's done yet since they all still have kept in contact with me. Which leads me to believe she hasnt told them anything.

Thank you for the links - I will look through them now. And thank you for the support, it feels good knowing I have an outlet here.

[ktkb23]

grief really takes everything from a person, hollows us out. it may not feel good, but its "okay" to be in that place. give yourself permission, if need be.

one of the best pieces of advice that i got in terms of getting that back was to not only get back into my old hobbies and things that i was good at, but to jump into new ones... .rebuilds confidence.

thats going to be like climbing a mountain with a lack of sleep, food, and with anxiety; it was for me. make those your first priority. it makes even the worst grief far, far more manageable.

I've never been this exhausted. I can actually feel my brain in a place it's never been in before. I need to start eating atleast I know thats something I can do - and love to do. It just feel like a zombie, I don't even have enough energy to get out and buy groceries, but it would probably feel really good once I do.

[JNChell]

ktkb23.

But I also feel like it might be too close to home for him.

This is a good observation. Are you saying that you feel like your therapist might be bisaed based on his own experiences? That you’re not getting treatment from a neutral base?

It’s ok to look around. It’s also ok to ask your therapist questions that will help you decide if they’re biased. The therapist that fits your situation is your decision. If it doesn’t feel right, reassess.

My therapist told me to steer away from researching on my own, but I feel like I need to.

I don’t think that your therapist is giving you good advice here. You should be able to research all you want and take your findings back to your sessions to discuss them. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I think that it would be in your favor to possibly interview other therapists to find one that helps you and understands what you’re trying to do.

It breaks my heart to think she doesn't want to get better.

I really feel what you’re saying here. I wish that something would click inside of my Son’s mom. I’m realizing, through having to interact with her, that it won’t. It makes me very sad. Especially in times like this when my Son is currently riding my legs like a horse.

I'm not sure how to handle/what to do if she starts to smear campaign me. I think I should be mindful - and ignore it.

You already know what to do.

We’re always here, ktkb23. Glad to speak with you.

[once removed]

My therapist told me to steer away from researching on my own, but I feel like I need to.

i can see why. the internet is full of so much misinformation and urban legends, it can very easily obscure the big picture and that hurts more than it helps. i remember going around seeing "BPD" everywhere, and over pathologizing the simplest things with no real understanding of what constitutes a personality disorder. it can make therapists nervous, and their job harder.

I'm not sure if its healthy for me or not.

just remember what i mentioned about using it responsibly, and know how to vet your sources. a lot of the generalizations and stuff youll read are just noise. its good to ask questions.

I also have a family history of severe anxiety and maybe some other disorders that were never diagnosed. I'm weary that my mother might be Bi-Polar. I also have a past sexual trauma that I have yet to get through. So therapy has been about my ex, my mom, as well as myself. Which is overwhelming to deal with all at once.

we have a Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board id encourage you to explore - its not limited to family members with BPD, but other mood and impulse disorders as well.

I'm not sure how to handle/what to do if she starts to smear campaign me.

why do you think this might happen?

[ktkb23]

ktkb23.

But I also feel like it might be too close to home for him.

This is a good observation. Are you saying that you feel like your therapist might be bisaed based on his own experiences? That you’re not getting treatment from a neutral base?

It’s ok to look around. It’s also ok to ask your therapist questions that will help you decide if they’re biased. The therapist that fits your situation is your decision. If it doesn’t feel right, reassess.

My therapist told me to steer away from researching on my own, but I feel like I need to.

I don’t think that your therapist is giving you good advice here. You should be able to research all you want and take your findings back to your sessions to discuss them. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I think that it would be in your favor to possibly interview other therapists to find one that helps you and understands what you’re trying to do.

It breaks my heart to think she doesn't want to get better.

I really feel what you’re saying here. I wish that something would click inside of my Son’s mom. I’m realizing, through having to interact with her, that it won’t. It makes me very sad. Especially in times like this when my Son is currently riding my legs like a horse.

I'm not sure how to handle/what to do if she starts to smear campaign me. I think I should be mindful - and ignore it.

You already know what to do.

We’re always here, ktkb23. Glad to speak with you.

I feel like he might be too biased, but at the same time I like that he can share similar personal stories. He even mentioned he usually doesn't, but he saw way too many similarities with his situation and mine. He even stayed up texting me till 5am last weekend when things were bad.

It must be hard that you had a child with an ex that suffers with this. Has your ex looked for help? I'm so weary because I want to believe someone with BPD can get help and move forward but it seems like it requires extensive therapy and help. Does this mean unless she gets help, she'll continue this pattern?

But I also feel this pull from myself because apart of me wants her back. And I still feel like i'm going to marry her and she is the love of my life. That part of me for some reason still has hope - not now but for the future. I kind of hate that I feel that way.

[ktkb23]

i can see why. the internet is full of so much misinformation and urban legends, it can very easily obscure the big picture and that hurts more than it helps. i remember going around seeing "BPD" everywhere, and over pathologizing the simplest things with no real understanding of what constitutes a personality disorder. it can make therapists nervous, and their job harder.

just remember what i mentioned about using it responsibly, and know how to vet your sources. a lot of the generalizations and stuff youll read are just noise. its good to ask questions.

we have a Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board id encourage you to explore - its not limited to family members with BPD, but other mood and impulse disorders as well.

why do you think this might happen?

I can see how research can make a therapists life harder - he may get some progress with me and then I might regress while researching the wrong things. I think being on here and just listening to stories and having support is a lot more beneficial than researching elsewhere.

I think she might smear campaign me because of how I love bombed her, and how I said she won't change (but didn't mean that) It's weird because when she did end things she told me and made it a point to tell me not to make her out as a monster and that she's still young and learning. That really pissed me off, because i've never been someone to paint her like that. but she claims coming to my apartment with my roommate that she was made out to be a monster. My roommate just knew how hurt i've been and how no redemption or no help on her part has been sought, so she didn't agree with the idea that I was seeing her.

I'm afraid she's going to paint me as someone who "loved too hard" and was obsessive. I feel pathetic because of how many times she hurt me. I'm also weary because she smeared her ex, but then would turn around and talk about her like she was the best thing in the world. This went on throughout our whole relationship, and everytime she left she went back to her ex. But she mentioned how her ex was depressed (is depressed) and is bipolar. and how when they were together they basically laid in bed and stayed depressed - I did the opposite in our relationship. Until the end when I started to lose it because of how much emotional exhaustion i've been experiencing. Once I started to fall under she ran.

I just am afraid shes going to paint me as someone i'm not - but then again I feel like it will be difficult because many people know my character. I want to delete photos of her and move forward but i'm afraid that will trigger her, and im not prepared at the slightest