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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I'm slowly emerging from a dark place  (Read 475 times)
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« on: October 19, 2018, 11:31:37 PM »

this is hard to talk about, even anonymously, because its impossible not to judge, to some extent, how i let myself get here and for all of this time. i do, so i wont blame you, just please dont hit me with it  

for about half of my life now (im 32, this started at 18), ive been living in a shell, mostly in my bed. half of that has been a seven to eight year, on and off mostly dead end journey between doctors in an effort to find out what is wrong and treat it, with a few developments along the way.

i figured it out about a week and a half ago. theyd been suggested before (multiple times and by multiple sources), but i finally looked into and started using some breathing and muscle relaxation exercises. theyre working, and rather miraculously. so for not quite two weeks now, im getting better every day.

this is a long and dark story, that ill be unraveling in installments. bear with me, my memory is spotty in places:

          "it started innocently enough."

i had sleep problems for most of my life as do many members of my family. im naturally a night owl, but my sleep schedule would flip completely upside down, starting around 5th grade, and often for weeks on end. id get some stability from time to time, but it would happen again. i was a star student in elementary school, and it was a big source of pride. when i moved to middle school, there were combining factors of a terrible school, and a lack of will and organization, and i became a failing student who would miss a lot of work, and the anxiety of missed work and projects, and resulting failing grades, built up. i was constantly sleep deprived throughout high school, and it took a toll everywhere. i was always depressed (and usually over some girl), and i finished high school (barely) near the very bottom of my class. leaving on the last day felt as if dragging myself across a finish line.

so senior year, i started taking benadryl nightly, which fyi, is a very poor sleep aid, especially long term.

i got a girlfriend in the fall. my relationship before that had been really toxic, and on and off over two years (sophomore and junior). wed finally fallen out and stepped out of each others lives. when i first learned about codependency, i thought its what i was in that relationship... .i was either a lap dog, or a wounded puppy, always begging for scraps, obsessive, and enmeshed (the stereotype i think comes to mind for a lot of people that they hear and say "thats not me", or at least i did). that summer, apart from her, i came into my own. i fully grieved and got over a relationship for the first time. my life became full, and i really enjoyed it. my confidence skyrocketed. i matured, and could no longer recognize myself in the old relationship. i read the book "Boundaries" too!

with the new school year, it was time to move on and at least explore finding someone new. i connected with a few girls which was exciting and new, though nothing panned out until it did. it was messy at first, i didnt read her well, and then an unresolved previous relationship reared its head, but when she fell for me, she fell really hard, and laid the idealization on pretty thick. if anything, i was guarded, taken aback, and a little uncomfortable. sometimes shed be overcome in the way shed profess her feelings or adoration in peculiar, over the top ways. for example, the first time i kissed her, she started shaking hard, and hugged me tightly for an extended period. she was kind of overwhelming in pushing to spend time together, but also cute in how she went about it.

i hadnt really had a relationship this... .pleasant. or even one where i felt the girl liked me back anywhere near as much as i liked her. she was talented. pretty. sexy. clever. we had fun together. and she seemed to understand me and like me in ways i wanted to be liked. i think i returned that.

so when i fell for her back, i fell really hard. i invested deeply, and felt safe. this felt right. finally.
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« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2018, 02:17:15 AM »

once removed   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Thank you for sharing. This was an interesting reading.   

ive been living in a shell, mostly in my bed.
I think I know a little of what you're saying here. It seemed to me for a long time that I've above-average sleep requirements and I felt it's been a struggle for me too for a few years. I started cataloguing my hours and it wasn't so bad. Part of my anxiety came from uncertainty about my ability to compete with the peers in my field. It seems small to others but it's been quite a long and difficult journey for me too.

for example, the first time i kissed her, she started shaking hard, and hugged me tightly for an extended period.
I understand this a bit. That is quite intense--the shaking! It seems like a movie.

so when i fell for her back, i fell really hard. i invested deeply, and felt safe. this felt right. finally.
I know what you mean. When someone shows us a very strong amount of affection, there's something sometimes that reaches out of us to connect with a similar level. In those situations where deep feelings are expressed and reciprocated--I get that feeling of safe too. It's easy to get that feeling of this is "right" and I've "finally" got this.
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« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 09:49:10 PM »

I hope your sleep issues are almost sorted out. In case u need some encouragement, let me say, romance- wise: 32 is NOT old. I've been stagnant so long, if there's hope for me, then moreso fir you.

When I was in grad school the only way I could shut my mind off was to watch TV until I fell asleep. I've done that ever since. About 5 days ago I started falling asleep to guided meditations. I think I can sleep better. Also, my emotional self is sitting atrophied I can't stand numbing myself with tv anymore. To me it's just not healthy (for me, not sign for anyone else, necessarily). So now the only exception may be during dinner (I haven't decided yet).
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« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2018, 06:16:43 AM »

thanks yall.

In case u need some encouragement, let me say, romance- wise: 32 is NOT old. I've been stagnant so long, if there's hope for me, then moreso fir you.

all of it that i can get, thanks! you are right, but i have a significant amount of catching up to do in pretty much all departments. my work experience has been really shoddy - i recently completed my resume, and its better than id have thought - most people my age have careers or are at least on the track. i still intend to go back to school, and havent been able to for a decade. romance wise, i still have plenty of time, though its ticking, and i lament a great deal in terms of lost opportunities. the dating world and what it can offer has changed a lot since my 20s.

I hope your sleep issues are almost sorted out.

they are, today, totally sorted out, thanks. some time after my uBPDex broke up with me (24ish), i discovered melatonin, and never had a problem again. i cant mess up my sleep schedule to save my life.

Part of my anxiety came from uncertainty about my ability to compete with the peers in my field. It seems small to others but it's been quite a long and difficult journey for me too.

not small to me. there are just so many pressures, i do know im not alone, and that does make me feel better.

That is quite intense--the shaking! It seems like a movie.

it was. i honestly cant do it justice, but her reactions could be kind of unnerving. there was one time she was gushing and telling me how happy she was, and yet her face was void and her eyes glazed over. there are probably simple explanations for these things, but its only something ive ever seen in one other person.

I know what you mean. When someone shows us a very strong amount of affection, there's something sometimes that reaches out of us to connect with a similar level. In those situations where deep feelings are expressed and reciprocated--I get that feeling of safe too. It's easy to get that feeling of this is "right" and I've "finally" got this.

plus, i was 18, and relatively inexperienced. my past few relationships were toxic, and intermittently reciprocated (to simplify, i liked them more than they liked me). this was definitely different, my understanding was very limited, and i thought not only had my luck changed, but that this was what relationships are supposed to be.

thanks for reading yall. the second installment will follow soon.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 09:13:34 AM »

Well, when someone idealizes me like that, I actually DONT feel safe. But I'm 52, and I've been BPD'd before. My reaction to feeling unsafe is to withdraw, which makes them afraid, which starts the downhill slide. If I ever do this again, I hope to find a better way. I told the T that her seeing a therapist (if she came back) was a requirement for going forward.

18 yr olds have little experience. It's dangerous; it would have been good if you had had some "backup" -- I never did either.
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« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2018, 06:29:53 PM »

Hi OR.  I just want to say I am listening.  I haven't judged you yet ;)  So far I can only understand and easily see how someone can be in a situation like yours.  I was and maybe am back in it right now.  The only difference for me was school and work.  Everything else... .well, I am so far behind.  I see a lot of strengths in you that will serve you well no matter what choices you make for the future. 

I am glad you are finding your way out and feeling better.  I will be waiting for the next installment.  Thanks for letting us see you better.  I think you are pretty damn cool.
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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2018, 10:03:10 AM »

I'm glad to know more about you, OR. The impression I've held of you, admittedly with very little evidence, is of a very grounded, emotionally strong, intelligent man, with an undercurrent of sadness.

I, too, am eager to read the next installment.

Cat
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« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2018, 05:48:27 PM »

         
because this is really only the beginning of the story, and since you probably already know where its going, lets cut to the chase:

she dumped me.

we were together for three months. probably around the month and a half mark, she got bored; she wanted to go on fun outings. she was spontaneous and childlike, mostly attractive qualities that i didnt/couldnt really read, or mirror, and more than once stepped on/invalidated. frankly, no regrets about that, but lessons learned about courting.

meanwhile, as she was getting bored, that unresolved previous relationship had reared its head again. for context, im referring to a long term boyfriend she had for a year, and as i would learn, she cheated on him near the end but never told him, eventually dumped him, then got with the guy she cheated with, which didnt last long. they (1 year guy she cheated on and dumped) kissed as we were getting together, but before we were official. she wanted to put the brakes on us; she didnt want him or her friends to know about us (and they probably knew about the kiss) so she wanted to be "unofficial". id been down that road before with no eagerness to do it again, made my intentions clear, and figured id step away, she swung back to me, pushed to commit, and we did. he had not adjusted to the breakup, and wasnt over her. family and friends (all a close circle) had long pressured her to lose me, and get back with him. slowly, the two of them started hanging out together more and more and shed ignore me/not answer my calls when he was around; she didnt want to hurt his feelings. it progressed to cancelling (without telling me) plans with me and id find out she was with him.

so shed become increasingly distant on me, my anxiety skyrocketed, and it showed. i was confused and needy, pressed for answers a few times, trying to get things back to where they were. she tried a couple of times (which would only further confuse me) but her heart wasnt in it. we tried some of those fun outings and they were a disaster (i was awkward, nervous, inexperienced, she was an uptight pill and would change the plans). i remember the distance and anxiety of that christmas/new years break pretty vividly and it still pains me: things like when she had her wisdom teeth out, stayed holed up, and id wait and hear nothing from her while the ex spent time with her. how we talked about it, and i told her i feared shed dump me and go back to him and she told me she couldnt rule that out. things came to a head and we fought. we finally had a brief upswing at the end, and then she realized/accepted that we werent going anywhere, and she wasnt feeling it anymore. some weeks later, she would get back with the ex, whom she wound up cheating on again (and this time he found out and let her have it).

now me being me, i obviously took all of this in stride. the writing was on the wall, right? wed tried those fun outings and they were a disaster. wed be graduating in months, shed be hours away in another town. i couldnt compete with everybodys favorite ex. and after all, wed only been together three months.

i was heartbroken and crushed, devastated, and i probably carry some scars from it to this day (ive written here before about recurring dreams about her that have since subsided). mind you, i always took breakups, or even just sparks that didnt pan out, terribly, disproportionately, and i always wore my heart on my sleeve which never put me in the strongest, most attractive (let alone successful if i wanted to get a girl back), light. i certainly did that in this case before she got back with him (and before i found out) which still makes me cringe. but man, this girl had really liked me, id really liked her, and the rejection, and the fear, went deep. i prayed to god that for my own safety i wouldnt enter a relationship unless it was safe/i was ready, even if it meant remaining single for as long as that took because i couldnt take the pain again. i had trusted this like second nature; it felt like the ultimate rejection, nothing was safe, and it meant that i was, deep down, unloveable.

oh, and i had school... .how was i supposed to sleep? id take some extra benadryl.
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« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2018, 07:12:55 PM »

Hey, once removed. I’m glad to see you posting for some support and feedback. You’re a tremendous help to the folks here. I’ve learned a lot from you in my short time here.

this is hard to talk about, even anonymously

I can relate to you with this. We’re here for very personal reasons. And some of those reasons come from dark places. Anonymity or not, the dark stuff is between ourselves and that dark stuff. We’re facing ourselves at the end of the day and that can be difficult to navigate. It’s commendable to bring it here.

I saw myself in much of what you described about your adolescence and teenage years. I got A’s & B’s throughout elementary school. My first report card from junior high was straight C’s. I was grounded for a week for each one of them. I had 7 classes. My grades and attendance got progressively worse. I pretty much checked out on school. The only reason that I graduated on time is because I was a good athlete (I don’t agree with this) and that I was enrolled in a vocational program that I maintained a 4.0 GPA in. My cumulative GPA upon graduating was 1.66. I barely made the cut. My sister was salutatorian of her class. I’m not sure, but I wonder sometimes if this also played a small part.

i finally looked into and started using some breathing and muscle relaxation exercises. theyre working, and rather miraculously. so for not quite two weeks now, im getting better every day.

It kind of makes one sit back and say “hmm.” when we find that this stuff actually has an impact. Self soothing. I’m on top of this with my Son. It seems to be effective here and there. I just stay persistent with it. I know that it works, because like you, it’s been proven in the field. I’m glad to hear that it’s been helpful for you.

I also had a lot of trouble with girls in high school. I would attach quickly to something that wasn’t there. I did have an 11 month relationship in H.S. We took each other’s virginity. I attribute it to that. We were too young to know what Love was really about, but we loved each other in the best way we knew how at that age. It didn’t end well. I broke it off and it was dramatic. Her brother threatening to fight me. High School drama.

The short lived relationships that I had outside of that experience, I attached really fast. I’m beginning to think that is why they were short lived. I can vividly remember telling a girl that I loved her and becoming tearful because I felt her pulling away. A week later, it was over, and rightfully so. She had a better home base than I did. She wasn’t grasping like I was.

so when i fell for her back, i fell really hard. i invested deeply, and felt safe. this felt right. finally.

Yep. I don’t know what else to say here other than I understand. Your insight and downright wisdom have walked many a folk to a healthier stance when it comes to identifying and dealing with this stuff.

I’m sure that I missed points that I should’ve picked up on while responding to your post. I felt obligated to try because you help the community in big ways. Thanks for what you do, OR.
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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2018, 12:03:59 AM »

(listening)
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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2018, 09:01:40 AM »

Hey, it seems like the party is here!

Are we a happy bunch?

 
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Che sara, sara.
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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2018, 12:59:32 PM »

What I’m getting from your account is that it was a defining relationship and in an unfortunate way, it caused you to have a deep concern, and rightly so, that relationship partners can be untrustworthy.

I had my own version of this. The first guy I really fell for was still dating his so-called “ex” unbeknownst to me. He had kinda put her on the back burner but apparently still was “friends” with her. He would tell me that he was going to some “cultural event” in his tight knit community and sometimes would mention that he saw her there. (He and his parents had emigrated from their home country when he was a young child and his parents had a large group of professional friends from that country with whom they gathered on a regular basis.)

I had no reason to doubt what he said, but then I got a summer job at a store and ended up working with his other GF. She was no immigrant and was as American as me, and all his excuses about these so-called cultural events were totally bogus. He was making up similar excuses to her when he was with me.

We had quite a time comparing notes and it was rather entertaining, as by that time, we had both become suspicious about his whereabouts.

The unfortunate thing is that it gave me a poor template about relationships and I tolerated things later that should have been a clue to kick some worthless dumba@@ to the curb sooner, rather than later.

I admire your understanding of what you went through and desire to spare yourself of these types of future consequences. But there are lots of worthy people out there who would treat you kindly and respectfully.
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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2018, 05:03:38 PM »

Hey Cat, onceremoved,

Sorry for hijacking the thread. I thought I'd posted in BasementDweller's 'Ex's birthday thread', detaching board, but I do like the story-in-installments format of this thread. Thnx to you both.

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Che sara, sara.
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« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2018, 01:34:52 PM »

I saw myself in much of what you described about your adolescence and teenage years. I got A’s & B’s throughout elementary school. My first report card from junior high was straight C’s. I was grounded for a week for each one of them. I had 7 classes. My grades and attendance got progressively worse. I pretty much checked out on school.

it can really take a toll on ones self esteem, especially if you attach it to your self worth, and how can you not at that age? i dont think i ever thought i was stupid. i did feel like a failure and underachiever, that there was nothing i could do about it, and i came to believe and "accept" what was a self fulfilling prophecy.

What I’m getting from your account is that it was a defining relationship and in an unfortunate way, it caused you to have a deep concern, and rightly so, that relationship partners can be untrustworthy.

thats a very apt summary, Cat. absolutely.

i was also a person who lacked confidence or vision for his life. my circumstances werent my responsibility, i was powerless to bad things "happening to me", or maybe even worse; maybe i was, deep down, unloveable, maybe i was deeply deluded, and perhaps even greater than my fear of trusting others, i seriously doubted that i could trust myself. i attached insecurely, feared abandonment and real intimacy, was poorly differentiated, coped poorly, and i was waiting for someone to save me, see me as loveable for the reasons i wanted to be loved, give me what i couldnt give myself, heal my wounds, and never leave.

and then again, i was 18, immature and naive, with no real sense of how relationships evolve or devolve, unrealistic expectations, relative inexperience compared to my peers. i didnt know what i didnt know. it happens. hopefully we see it at some point as we mature, and we switch gears.

unfortunately, it would take me many years to do that with lots of pain and isolation and loneliness, and a deteriorating body and mental state in between, and thats where the next part of the story picks up. dont worry. the ending, or the new beginning, is a happy one.

thanks for the support, all.
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« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2018, 10:54:42 PM »

I like to think of myself as an over-achieving underacheiver, and where I am (Silicon Valley), there are expectations. My mother kind of shamed me that I couldn't do long division in my head like she could.  I graduated high school with likely a C average.  I had my issues. What's killing is the critic. Inner? Outer? I need to read more Pete Walker. 

I'm glad that you've found out what's going on.  It's never too late to take control of your life. 
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« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2018, 08:55:39 AM »

Excerpt
i finally looked into and started using some breathing and muscle relaxation exercises. theyre working, and rather miraculously. so for not quite two weeks now, im getting better every day.

Wow, om, this is fantastic!  I love how one small positive change has the potential to shift an entire trajectory.  It sounds like getting more sleep is having a positive ripple effect on your entire system.  It's been a little over a week since you initiated this post.  How are you feeling today?
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« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2018, 04:39:42 PM »

It's been a little over a week since you initiated this post.  How are you feeling today?

thanks for asking Insom. i feel good. after many false starts over the years (ill elaborate as i go), and enough progress over the last few weeks, im confident this is no fluke. it is somewhat slow going, but theres still some improvement every day.
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« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2018, 04:48:49 PM »

three years later, i would be in a worse place. time had flown, my future was up in the air, but i couldnt get off the ground.

the night of the breakup, i had made a choice that would effect me, and slowly turn my body into a prison, for the next 13-14 years.

a regular dose of benadryl is 25 milligrams, and a maximum dose is 50. in order to effectively tranquilize myself and my racing mind, i began taking somewhere between 100-200.

of course, you could take 1000 milligrams of benadryl and it wont insure that you sleep. i noticed though, that when i would wake up in the morning, for a solid fifteen minutes or so, i couldnt feel the intense pain, anxiety, and dread that i was living with over the breakup. in my desperation, that was enough for me.

the timeline begins to get foggy (and it was so many years ago that i expect i will get a lot of it out of order from here out), but this was in january. i spent the next month trying to get her back until a friend clued me in that i needed to stop chasing, and around that point, i found out shed gotten back with her ex. we moved into the last trimester, and that was more or less the last we saw of each other. some days i was too depressed and sleep deprived to shower or even brush my teeth. i started skipping classes or days. i ended up with something like 12 unexcused absences. honestly, i dont even have regrets about that part, im just still kind of stunned i got away with it.

for most recently graduated young adults, the summer after your senior year is full of plans that involve saying goodbye to friends and family, for leaning toward a major and deciding which classes you want to take, and in many cases getting a steady job to sustain and obtain your future.

i was exhausted from the pain of the breakup, the anxiety and feelings of failure over how i had done academically, though at some point, after a time out (i cant remember if i took a year off but i think probably just some months), i did obtain a job, and i did go to community college, and even nabbed some As, which renewed my confidence.

but mostly that summer was one of isolation, loneliness, stagnation, feelings/pressures of inadequacy comparing myself to my peers, and the process of grieving my relationship, painfully ripping myself from my ex, and resulting abandonment fears.

by now, i was regularly taking 200 milligrams of benadryl, maybe 250-300 at times. was it helping with sleep? it was probably making it worse, because i spent a lot of that summer and the ones to come with my schedule entirely upside down. i would often cope with breakups through writing poetry/prose. i had begun to combine the benadryl with pot, and i by no means expect this to sound rational to anyone reading when i say that the combination started to have an interesting effect on my writing, one that i liked and leaned into, so that became my excuse, and id do it late into the night. the well inevitably dries up, though.

i dried up with it. all i was getting out of it anymore was a lot of heavy nervous tension. i would become irritable and withdrawn while on it, and of course id be hungover with the effects of that when id wake up late the next day. meanwhile, my peers were moving on with their lives. those friendships from high school faded away. the friends that remained got jobs and relationships and were around far less. i got a case, seemingly over night, of social anxiety (its possible i always had it on a certain level and the normalcy/structure of school kept it at bay, but this came on fast and intense). if i did run into anyone, id freeze up and have nothing to say, then spend a while agonizing over how painfully awkward id been. i told myself all of this was temporary, that id get my sleep schedule on track, quit the benadryl, catch up with friends, and get my life back on track.

the opportunity came one night when i heard a sudden, urgent voice in my head (and mind you, i was sober at the time). you ever have one of those, where a distinct voice alarms/warns you, one you know isnt yours but leaves you wondering where the heck it came from? its only happened to me once, maybe twice.

"You can stop all of this right now. In fact, if you do, I'll make it really easy on you. No withdrawal, and you'll lose any urge very quickly. I'll even give you a boost in your life, you'll see. If you don't, you have a very dark road ahead of you."

but thats crazy, i was probably spooking myself, i could just as easily stop tomorrow, and who listens to unidentified voices anyway? i dont know why i didnt. i will probably always wish that i had.
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« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2018, 09:46:22 PM »

How long ago was The Voice?
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« Reply #19 on: November 07, 2018, 12:37:56 PM »

i was 18.

the timeline for those following:

great summer pre senior year
started taking benadryl for sleep senior year
met a girl in the fall
got dumped mid winter
started abusing benadryl
started deteriorating physically and mentally

all of that took place at 18. the story picks up with what happened next, and spans the next 3-6 years when i met and dated my uBPD ex.
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